Dear Caleb,
"It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on"
This seems to be the song of the month for me.
'It's coming on Christmas but I do not feel it so,
There are twinkles of lights that light up the snow.
But my heart is hurting and there is that nasty void,
Other families like us our happiness has been destroyed.
How I wish that we all had a river to skate away on,
To be with our loved ones instead of feeling withdrawn.
There are presents that won't be opened songs that will not be sung,
Memories that will not be made music that will not be strung.
Yet those of us left behind we will use this time differently,
In prayer, in hope wishing and praising God intently.
How I wish it wasn't so,
But we know that with time things will show.
And we will be together again sooner then we think,
For our Savior has come and he will be back in a wink.'
Caleb, I will try to be happy for our little family. Please watch over all the sweet children that are there with you now. There are so many families that are hurting and missing them so. And as for your sweet little sister about to join our family any day, tell her I am trying to be patient so you guys can have more time to play.
Love You, Merry Christmas, Love Your Mommy
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
It is time....
Dear Caleb,
Today is the start of the due date range for your new little sister- that is soon to join our family.
I sense that you are giving her all the important advice that she will need, knowing that she will be coming to join our broken hearted family. I feel that she will not come until I am ready. I never thought I would see the day, when I could say, that I would be okay with having more children after the accident- that is such a hard thing on my heart. You know what Caleb, these past 3 years I have being fighting accepting the future, and clinging, longing for the past. In doing this, I just realized that I am not allowing room for new memories to be stored, because there is literally no room in the inn. Only wall to wall memories of our past with our perfect 2 boys and 2 girls little family: all our outings, laughter, being together... I have not been okay with making more room. I figured your siblings and father would understand, and forgive me for not being the mom that they used to know. To continue to just BE instead of trying to become a new person, because being the old me is unfortunately not an option, so I was content with just to BE.
During these Holiday Seasons as families get to gather together, I felt some emptiness because our family is not complete like others, and in my mind I would think, "That's not fair." Then I came across a very profound quote from an apostle, Elder Russell M Nelson, "Somethings just don't seem fair. Whether things seem 'fair' relate to the limits of one's perspective." Paul in the bible taught, "If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable." My perceptive in this mortal life is indeed limited. And if I enjoy the knowledge of Christ and apply it only in this mortal life, surely it would not be enough to help me to find eternal happiness here and now. We all must pass through the portals of mortality to receive eternal happiness and life: Mortal Birth, Mortal Existence, Mortal Death- which comes from applying the knowledge of Christ into the next life, which is the best life to come!
Russell M Nelson said, "The holy cause in which we are engaged did not begin in 1820 in the state of New York. It did not begin in Bethlehem. It did not begin in the Garden of Eden. The underpinnings of the everlasting gospel were in place even before the world was."An I can attest to this by looking back on our past. There have been several, even multiple events that happened, which paved the way to help us today... watching friends loose beloved children, watching them rise from heart ache, our miscarriage in 2007, becoming acquainted with grief, learning the warning signs of depression and what to do, dream of loosing my father- all lead up to much needed preparation, that we would need to draw from after the accident. I recently came across this statement from Virgina H Pearce, "When I see how carefully Heavenly Father has prepared and planned for my present circumstance, how can I be frighten about my future? Surely He is putting into place today all that I will need to face the unknown times ahead."
As much as I just want to BE, I know that God sees a stronger me, and sees something more that I can become, and doesn't want me to just stay where I am. It amazes me at how well He knows me, because that is exactly what I would do and was planning on doing. A former apostle of the 12, Neal A Maxwell said, "Even believers if malnourished as to the doctrine, can become wearied and faint in their minds and surrender to circumstance." I desperately wanted to surrender, it is such hard work to keep living this mortal life with a broken heart, it hurts and never stops. I was reminded today at church that Faith pushed into action is Hope. Hope is the verb of Faith, it places a burning desire within oneself to move forward to Christ, to keep moving and not give up.
So our Father in Heaven is sending me a reason to move forward with our family, since I can not seem to find it on my own, to help me not give in and just BE. This baby girl wants an eternal family, she too wants her shot at mortality to prove herself worthy to have eternal life. And as her soon to be Earthly mother I need to help her accomplish her goal in this. I can not deny to extend my hand to her. I need to love her, teach her, help her and guide her to Christ and Home to our Father. The weight is indeed on my shoulders. And Caleb, "I AM READY!" And I gladly continue and accept this mission that our Father feels that we are capable of handling. Not that I will not have tears anymore, because I will. Not that I won't have my bad days, because I will. Not that I won't still miss and long for the past, because I will. But I need to make room for new memories for this new child to join our family. I need to be a mom that she can depend on and be there for her. I need to be able to release some memories from my inn, so there will be room for more. Because Caleb, with a sad heart but a heart full of Hope I need to say, "It is time...."
Thank You Caleb for being there with her, preparing her, loving her, teaching her the gospel- you are serving your extend mission well. And when it's time for her to join our family in mortality, we will add to what you have already started and shared with her. We are honored that God has found us worthy to serve with you on your mission.
We love you Buddy Boy! Merry Christmas to You and ALL those Heavenly Angels that surround you at this time.... For surely there is peace on earth ONLY because of ALL our Angels above.
Love Your Mommy
Today is the start of the due date range for your new little sister- that is soon to join our family.
I sense that you are giving her all the important advice that she will need, knowing that she will be coming to join our broken hearted family. I feel that she will not come until I am ready. I never thought I would see the day, when I could say, that I would be okay with having more children after the accident- that is such a hard thing on my heart. You know what Caleb, these past 3 years I have being fighting accepting the future, and clinging, longing for the past. In doing this, I just realized that I am not allowing room for new memories to be stored, because there is literally no room in the inn. Only wall to wall memories of our past with our perfect 2 boys and 2 girls little family: all our outings, laughter, being together... I have not been okay with making more room. I figured your siblings and father would understand, and forgive me for not being the mom that they used to know. To continue to just BE instead of trying to become a new person, because being the old me is unfortunately not an option, so I was content with just to BE.
During these Holiday Seasons as families get to gather together, I felt some emptiness because our family is not complete like others, and in my mind I would think, "That's not fair." Then I came across a very profound quote from an apostle, Elder Russell M Nelson, "Somethings just don't seem fair. Whether things seem 'fair' relate to the limits of one's perspective." Paul in the bible taught, "If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable." My perceptive in this mortal life is indeed limited. And if I enjoy the knowledge of Christ and apply it only in this mortal life, surely it would not be enough to help me to find eternal happiness here and now. We all must pass through the portals of mortality to receive eternal happiness and life: Mortal Birth, Mortal Existence, Mortal Death- which comes from applying the knowledge of Christ into the next life, which is the best life to come!
Russell M Nelson said, "The holy cause in which we are engaged did not begin in 1820 in the state of New York. It did not begin in Bethlehem. It did not begin in the Garden of Eden. The underpinnings of the everlasting gospel were in place even before the world was."An I can attest to this by looking back on our past. There have been several, even multiple events that happened, which paved the way to help us today... watching friends loose beloved children, watching them rise from heart ache, our miscarriage in 2007, becoming acquainted with grief, learning the warning signs of depression and what to do, dream of loosing my father- all lead up to much needed preparation, that we would need to draw from after the accident. I recently came across this statement from Virgina H Pearce, "When I see how carefully Heavenly Father has prepared and planned for my present circumstance, how can I be frighten about my future? Surely He is putting into place today all that I will need to face the unknown times ahead."
As much as I just want to BE, I know that God sees a stronger me, and sees something more that I can become, and doesn't want me to just stay where I am. It amazes me at how well He knows me, because that is exactly what I would do and was planning on doing. A former apostle of the 12, Neal A Maxwell said, "Even believers if malnourished as to the doctrine, can become wearied and faint in their minds and surrender to circumstance." I desperately wanted to surrender, it is such hard work to keep living this mortal life with a broken heart, it hurts and never stops. I was reminded today at church that Faith pushed into action is Hope. Hope is the verb of Faith, it places a burning desire within oneself to move forward to Christ, to keep moving and not give up.
So our Father in Heaven is sending me a reason to move forward with our family, since I can not seem to find it on my own, to help me not give in and just BE. This baby girl wants an eternal family, she too wants her shot at mortality to prove herself worthy to have eternal life. And as her soon to be Earthly mother I need to help her accomplish her goal in this. I can not deny to extend my hand to her. I need to love her, teach her, help her and guide her to Christ and Home to our Father. The weight is indeed on my shoulders. And Caleb, "I AM READY!" And I gladly continue and accept this mission that our Father feels that we are capable of handling. Not that I will not have tears anymore, because I will. Not that I won't have my bad days, because I will. Not that I won't still miss and long for the past, because I will. But I need to make room for new memories for this new child to join our family. I need to be a mom that she can depend on and be there for her. I need to be able to release some memories from my inn, so there will be room for more. Because Caleb, with a sad heart but a heart full of Hope I need to say, "It is time...."
Thank You Caleb for being there with her, preparing her, loving her, teaching her the gospel- you are serving your extend mission well. And when it's time for her to join our family in mortality, we will add to what you have already started and shared with her. We are honored that God has found us worthy to serve with you on your mission.
We love you Buddy Boy! Merry Christmas to You and ALL those Heavenly Angels that surround you at this time.... For surely there is peace on earth ONLY because of ALL our Angels above.
Love Your Mommy
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
It's Coming.... and I can't stop it!
Dear Caleb,
Thanksgiving is coming.
This baby is coming.
Christmas is coming.
Starting a New Year is coming............
And I can't do anything about it!
I feel myself falling, and pulling away again into my own world. But I have been down this path SOOO many times. Becoming selfish and thinking only about myself, and avoiding everyone does not get me anywhere, but more unhappy and our family environment more unpleasant. I can not keep doing that to our family, but it is naturally what I WANT to do. I want to hide, I want to hibernate, I want to sleep forever until that blessed day of our Savior comes.
The most irritating thing is that we just celebrated these Holidays and here we are again doing it all over! It's like that book 'The Cat Comes Back' these emotionally exhausting holidays KEEP coming back like that darn cat! Too bad I can't just kick it out my door like a cat and seal it shut to take care of the problem. Because your siblings are still here experiencing mortality and these holidays come with that territory unfortunately. And your new sister I suppose she will re-teach me joy and happiness all over again, because I do not feel it during this time of year. I run on a very short, short supply of contentment.
Why is it Caleb that whatever we do NOT want we seem to get? The biggest antidote that I have discovered for myself is that when I do not want others to talk to me, be around me, or help me.... it is in that every moment when I need to push my self to reach out to others. Because that brings a little bit of life in myself. Kind of when we do not feel like praying or even feel worthy of praying to God above, it is in that very moment when we need to pray the most.
So, your little sister is breech, specifically frank breech with her head up and bottom down. I have started breech work outs to try to get her to turn. And one day while I was lying upside down at a diagonal on an ironing board rubbing my belly in a circular motion, while listening to calming music, I thought this is so stupid! How is another child suppose to help me, and Why the heck is she breech?? It was in that very moment that I heard, "Because you need it." I thought WHAT? I need a breech baby, and I need to do these stupid exercises? And it dawned on me that, because I have not had enough time to adjust to this pregnancy, the Lord has blessed us with a breech baby give us time to bond before she comes into mortality. I unfortunately have avoided this pregnancy like a plague, not wanting to accept yet another life changing turn in and for our family. But she is moving now, and I can not ignore the life that is in me, and it may not be what I expected, but the Lord only gives what we need. Whether we want it or not, so as frustrating as that can be to get what we do not want, to continue to taste bitter after bitter..... our day of tasting the sweetest of sweets is coming, as long as we can keep swallowing the bitter and push forward through the grace that comes only through Jesus Christ.
So our family may have been in the line too long for the most challenges while we were in Heaven. But if anything we are not quitters, we are finishers. It will be difficult to face these events coming up, so we will tackle one at a time.... and NO MORE then that, because that is ALL we have strength to do.
Love you Caleb,
Love Your Mommy
Thanksgiving is coming.
This baby is coming.
Christmas is coming.
Starting a New Year is coming............
And I can't do anything about it!
I feel myself falling, and pulling away again into my own world. But I have been down this path SOOO many times. Becoming selfish and thinking only about myself, and avoiding everyone does not get me anywhere, but more unhappy and our family environment more unpleasant. I can not keep doing that to our family, but it is naturally what I WANT to do. I want to hide, I want to hibernate, I want to sleep forever until that blessed day of our Savior comes.
The most irritating thing is that we just celebrated these Holidays and here we are again doing it all over! It's like that book 'The Cat Comes Back' these emotionally exhausting holidays KEEP coming back like that darn cat! Too bad I can't just kick it out my door like a cat and seal it shut to take care of the problem. Because your siblings are still here experiencing mortality and these holidays come with that territory unfortunately. And your new sister I suppose she will re-teach me joy and happiness all over again, because I do not feel it during this time of year. I run on a very short, short supply of contentment.
Why is it Caleb that whatever we do NOT want we seem to get? The biggest antidote that I have discovered for myself is that when I do not want others to talk to me, be around me, or help me.... it is in that every moment when I need to push my self to reach out to others. Because that brings a little bit of life in myself. Kind of when we do not feel like praying or even feel worthy of praying to God above, it is in that very moment when we need to pray the most.
So, your little sister is breech, specifically frank breech with her head up and bottom down. I have started breech work outs to try to get her to turn. And one day while I was lying upside down at a diagonal on an ironing board rubbing my belly in a circular motion, while listening to calming music, I thought this is so stupid! How is another child suppose to help me, and Why the heck is she breech?? It was in that very moment that I heard, "Because you need it." I thought WHAT? I need a breech baby, and I need to do these stupid exercises? And it dawned on me that, because I have not had enough time to adjust to this pregnancy, the Lord has blessed us with a breech baby give us time to bond before she comes into mortality. I unfortunately have avoided this pregnancy like a plague, not wanting to accept yet another life changing turn in and for our family. But she is moving now, and I can not ignore the life that is in me, and it may not be what I expected, but the Lord only gives what we need. Whether we want it or not, so as frustrating as that can be to get what we do not want, to continue to taste bitter after bitter..... our day of tasting the sweetest of sweets is coming, as long as we can keep swallowing the bitter and push forward through the grace that comes only through Jesus Christ.
So our family may have been in the line too long for the most challenges while we were in Heaven. But if anything we are not quitters, we are finishers. It will be difficult to face these events coming up, so we will tackle one at a time.... and NO MORE then that, because that is ALL we have strength to do.
Love you Caleb,
Love Your Mommy
Saturday, November 3, 2012
My Boys in Costumes
Your costume was the one that I bought for you back in 2009, it would have been the one you wanted the year of the accident. You are even holding your red power ranger trick or treat candy bucket. And what you would have been this year?? Well, it pains my heart to not know.....
Thank You Caleb for sharing your blue power ranger costume with Montey this year. He wouldn't take
it off for a whole 2 days.
Sweet Little Montey said something that touched my heart and made we want to smile and cry at the same time.
He said," Mom when Kabub coming? After Halloween, after Christmas??"
How I wish I could say, "YES!!!" But I had to answer truthfully and say, "We don't know when, but we do know that he will be coming soon with Christ." I wanted to cry because it hurts my heart to not know when we will see you sweet face again. But it made me smile because your little brother is so mindful of you and desires the same thing the rest of us do... which is to be with you.
Hope you were pleased with us trying to make this Holiday work. Now on to the next medium and BIG Holidays left for this year, I have to admit I am not looking forward to it. I really hate this empty seat business....
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Pushing Forward with Tears of Hope
Dear Caleb,
I can always feel the heaviness when we get close to the 24th, it's a way I have learned that my body says it's time to post and down load some emotions to help me feel a little lighter.
There has been a shift in my thoughts which started last month, but started full swing the other week, General Conference Weekend. It is always exactly what I need every 6 months to keep my mind and heart focused on the eternal perceptive of things and not on this temporary life.
Just before General Conference your Daddy had a work meeting in Spokane, WA. I went along with him. This year seemed to be the year to revisit all the places that we previously lived or something. While he was in a work meeting, I had some great pondering and much needed scripture reading time.
I was reading in 1 Nephi chapter 21. And I came to verse 4 which states something that I have been doing without really knowing, it said, "I have labored in vain, I have spent my strength for naught (nothing) and in vain. " I instantly felt guilt because by doing nothing but just getting through day to day with nothing to show for is pretty much the same thing. I do not want to have to admit to the Lord of this error track that I have been on mentally and emotionally. As difficult as it has been to put heart into everything I do, including trusting to love again, because to truly LOVE hurts... I know it is a risk that I need to take because our family needs me not just physically as a mom because I am doing that fine but being there emotionally and mentally with Love as a whole person, not half here and half there. This baby sister that is coming is going to need a whole mother, not a half mother that is unable to feel and give love. I have been this way because it is what all us mortals do at times when found amidst the trials as we say in verse 14, "The Lord has forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me..."
In verse 5 was the Lord's rely to me and for our family,"I will not forget thee o house of (the Mathison's) Behold I have engraven you upon the palms of my hands, thy walls are continually before me." And one literal wall besides the accident has been this pregnancy. I do not feel so qualified or worthy to raise yet another child, but in the eyes of the Lord we prepared you, Caleb, enough to be granted eternal life, so for him I can see how he would feel that we may be seem as such to be given another. So with this wall of being given another child, came this answer, "And now, saith the Lord that formed me from the womb that I (Tanya) should be his servant, to bring (a child) again to him... Yet shall I be glorious in the eyes of the Lord, and my God shall be my strength." And in 20-23, "The children whom thou shalt have after thou hast lost the first shall again in thine ears say: The place is too (estranged) for me give place that I may dwell" as to say the Lord is just asking us to teach them of heaven, trust in Him, and let them go. "Then shalt thou say in thine heart: Who hath (given) me these, seeing that I have lost my (first born) and am desolate, captive, and removing to and fro?" "Thus saith the Lord God: Behold I will lift up my hand (to the Mathison's) and set up my standard to (your family) and (you) shall bring thy sons in your arms and thy daughters shall be carrier upon (your) shoulders. "And (you) shall bow down to (me your Lord God) with your face towards the earth and lick up the dust of (my) feet, and thou shalt know that I am the Lord, for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me."
Caleb, Wow was all I could say and feel after reading these vereses exactly the way that I typed them to you. It is truly time to turn my thoughts and whole heart over to the Lord. He has lifted his hand to our family and has given us his standard, The Gospel. And we WILL bring the other children carrying them to Christ if we must. We need to stay in a humble mind set as to bow down and kiss the earth, meaning to pray, to be close to our Savior. To remind us that he is our 1 and ONLY Chance to help our dreams of an eternal family to become our reality someday. For he has promised that NO one will be ashamed for those that wait for him to come, for we know the time is very very soon.
And to finish this amazing moment of receiving specific guidance in what I was to do next for myself, and to help our family, I turned on the tv, and there was a movie playing. The Young lady said, "Since the accident I have not known what I wanted?" I sat there with my jaw open thinking that is exactly what I have said so many times. And the young man answered her with, "What do you want?" I mentally took a step back and said to myself, "What do I want? What do I want in this life, in the next life? What do I want??" Almost immediately I responded with I want to be together again. After the young girl gave her answer the young man said, "So the weight is back on your shoulders, it is up to you to make your dream come true." Caleb, it is time to push my sleeves up and get to work serving with you. Which includes accepting this new child as part of the missionary work. The work will not be easy, but it will all be worth it to have no empty seat in our eternal family. This is our dream that we are willing to fight for.
So Let The Reign of The Service of The Mathison's Begin, because I do not ever want to have to say to the Lord that I have labored in vain, with nothing to show for with our faith in our Savior Jesus Christ.
*"The Lord Always Fulfills His Promises."-Isaiah 49
How we love you Kabub.
How we ache for you.
How we long to be with you.
How we promise to help you on your mission.
How we will NOT stop the tears of hope.
Love Your Mommy XOXO
I can always feel the heaviness when we get close to the 24th, it's a way I have learned that my body says it's time to post and down load some emotions to help me feel a little lighter.
There has been a shift in my thoughts which started last month, but started full swing the other week, General Conference Weekend. It is always exactly what I need every 6 months to keep my mind and heart focused on the eternal perceptive of things and not on this temporary life.
Just before General Conference your Daddy had a work meeting in Spokane, WA. I went along with him. This year seemed to be the year to revisit all the places that we previously lived or something. While he was in a work meeting, I had some great pondering and much needed scripture reading time.
I was reading in 1 Nephi chapter 21. And I came to verse 4 which states something that I have been doing without really knowing, it said, "I have labored in vain, I have spent my strength for naught (nothing) and in vain. " I instantly felt guilt because by doing nothing but just getting through day to day with nothing to show for is pretty much the same thing. I do not want to have to admit to the Lord of this error track that I have been on mentally and emotionally. As difficult as it has been to put heart into everything I do, including trusting to love again, because to truly LOVE hurts... I know it is a risk that I need to take because our family needs me not just physically as a mom because I am doing that fine but being there emotionally and mentally with Love as a whole person, not half here and half there. This baby sister that is coming is going to need a whole mother, not a half mother that is unable to feel and give love. I have been this way because it is what all us mortals do at times when found amidst the trials as we say in verse 14, "The Lord has forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me..."
In verse 5 was the Lord's rely to me and for our family,"I will not forget thee o house of (the Mathison's) Behold I have engraven you upon the palms of my hands, thy walls are continually before me." And one literal wall besides the accident has been this pregnancy. I do not feel so qualified or worthy to raise yet another child, but in the eyes of the Lord we prepared you, Caleb, enough to be granted eternal life, so for him I can see how he would feel that we may be seem as such to be given another. So with this wall of being given another child, came this answer, "And now, saith the Lord that formed me from the womb that I (Tanya) should be his servant, to bring (a child) again to him... Yet shall I be glorious in the eyes of the Lord, and my God shall be my strength." And in 20-23, "The children whom thou shalt have after thou hast lost the first shall again in thine ears say: The place is too (estranged) for me give place that I may dwell" as to say the Lord is just asking us to teach them of heaven, trust in Him, and let them go. "Then shalt thou say in thine heart: Who hath (given) me these, seeing that I have lost my (first born) and am desolate, captive, and removing to and fro?" "Thus saith the Lord God: Behold I will lift up my hand (to the Mathison's) and set up my standard to (your family) and (you) shall bring thy sons in your arms and thy daughters shall be carrier upon (your) shoulders. "And (you) shall bow down to (me your Lord God) with your face towards the earth and lick up the dust of (my) feet, and thou shalt know that I am the Lord, for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me."
Caleb, Wow was all I could say and feel after reading these vereses exactly the way that I typed them to you. It is truly time to turn my thoughts and whole heart over to the Lord. He has lifted his hand to our family and has given us his standard, The Gospel. And we WILL bring the other children carrying them to Christ if we must. We need to stay in a humble mind set as to bow down and kiss the earth, meaning to pray, to be close to our Savior. To remind us that he is our 1 and ONLY Chance to help our dreams of an eternal family to become our reality someday. For he has promised that NO one will be ashamed for those that wait for him to come, for we know the time is very very soon.
And to finish this amazing moment of receiving specific guidance in what I was to do next for myself, and to help our family, I turned on the tv, and there was a movie playing. The Young lady said, "Since the accident I have not known what I wanted?" I sat there with my jaw open thinking that is exactly what I have said so many times. And the young man answered her with, "What do you want?" I mentally took a step back and said to myself, "What do I want? What do I want in this life, in the next life? What do I want??" Almost immediately I responded with I want to be together again. After the young girl gave her answer the young man said, "So the weight is back on your shoulders, it is up to you to make your dream come true." Caleb, it is time to push my sleeves up and get to work serving with you. Which includes accepting this new child as part of the missionary work. The work will not be easy, but it will all be worth it to have no empty seat in our eternal family. This is our dream that we are willing to fight for.
So Let The Reign of The Service of The Mathison's Begin, because I do not ever want to have to say to the Lord that I have labored in vain, with nothing to show for with our faith in our Savior Jesus Christ.
*"The Lord Always Fulfills His Promises."-Isaiah 49
How we love you Kabub.
How we ache for you.
How we long to be with you.
How we promise to help you on your mission.
How we will NOT stop the tears of hope.
Love Your Mommy XOXO
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
October Memories Made in 2009 (Part 1)
Oct 1st- Liahona remembers how Caleb would always send his webkinz on webkinz vacations, which is why he would never have a lot of webkinz dollars.
Oct 2nd- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always help her log on to her webkinz. And he would help her earn webkinz cash.
Oct 2nd- Liahona remembers at bedtime her and Tamara would talk to Caleb through the floor vents because they couldn't leave their rooms or be in the halls. Tamara would always say, "What did you say?" over and over again. Then Caleb would repeat himself until he would say "Get Liahona" and then he would tell her.
Oct 3rd- Tamara remembers Caleb wanted to always light the candles. He started up his first match to light his first candle when he was 8 with mom in the room.
Oct 3rd- Liahona remembers that Caleb always wanted to do fireworks with the extra bob-cat firecrackers that were not used in the 4th of July. (July 2009 He started to light his own fireworks with Dad.)
Oct 4th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always help her with her Conference Bingo, in helping her find the church words on her paper that were said in the talks.
Oct 4th- Liahona remembers that Caleb would always pull her up the hill when sledding and he would push her going down the hill and then jump on the back of the sled.
Oct 5th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would play store and restaurant with her and Liahona.
Oct 5th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would often clear out his throat.
Oct 6th- Mom remembers when listening to cds in the van, Caleb would memorize which songs were his favorite and would say play number 10 or 22. (He had a great memory.)
Oct 6th Tamara remembers how much Caleb LOVED to hear the Tornado Warning Sirens.
Oct 6th- Mom remembers how Caleb did not like cds, or tapes of music skipping. And if I was in a different room he would come running to say, "Mom the cd is skipping!" And I would calmly say, "It's OK, I'll fix it, Thank You."
Oct 7th- Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would sneak out in the halls at night and play games together.
Oct 7th- Liahona remembers that Caleb would find all and any sticks and used them as guns.
Oct 8th- Mom remembers that Caleb would often be afraid to flush the toilet because he thought they would always overflow.
Oct 9th- Liahona remembers Caleb's most recent PBS show that he liked to watch was Pinky Dinky Doo.
Oct 10- Mom remembers that Caleb recently started to be modest when going to the bathroom, by closing the door instead of leaving it open like everyone else.
Oct 10- Dad remembers that Caleb would prefer Italian dressing on his salad instead of Ranch.
Oct 11- Tamara remembers when playing out in the snow with her siblings and when she would get cold Caleb would come over and hold her hands tight and blow hot air onto her hands with or without mittens on.
Oct 11th- Dad remembers playing many indoor soccer games with Caleb. One goal would be the wall at the end of the hallway and the other in the front living room gas fireplace.
Oct 12th- Mom remembers how much Caleb loved to play "DING."(A made up game from Mom's childhood with her siblings.)
Oct 12th- Dad remembers how Caleb would get Dad's attention when playing an indoor soccer game by kicking the ball several times at the wall (goal) while counting a goal for each time the ball hit the wall... "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... I have 9 goals NOW!"
Oct 12th- Mom remembers that Caleb loved to dance and sing along to Robber Song from Mickey's Mousercise cd.
Oct 13th- Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to stand in the van doorway as the door closed and then he would jump off at the last moment and say, "AHHH!"
Oct 14th- Dad remembers how Caleb would get very nervous in elevators and would prefer to take the stairs instead it he could. He would get a look of panic when entering, during, and exiting the elevator. (Side note: Would often grab his private part because of nerves. )
Oct 14th- Liahona remembers that Caleb didn't like to go on escalators. They would scare him and he would whine and cling to the wall not wanting to go up until Mom or Dad would pry off his hands and help him get on and help him get off.
Oct 15th- Mom remembers how much Caleb LOVED to help his little brother. He was always aware and concerned with keeping him safe. He would almost always be the first one to notice if something was not good with Montey; example, Like putting things into his mouth that could make him choke.
Oct 15th- Dad and Liahona both remember how much Caleb LOVED to eat onions in his food, in salads, in all dinners... =)
Oct 2nd- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always help her log on to her webkinz. And he would help her earn webkinz cash.
Oct 2nd- Liahona remembers at bedtime her and Tamara would talk to Caleb through the floor vents because they couldn't leave their rooms or be in the halls. Tamara would always say, "What did you say?" over and over again. Then Caleb would repeat himself until he would say "Get Liahona" and then he would tell her.
Oct 3rd- Tamara remembers Caleb wanted to always light the candles. He started up his first match to light his first candle when he was 8 with mom in the room.
Oct 3rd- Liahona remembers that Caleb always wanted to do fireworks with the extra bob-cat firecrackers that were not used in the 4th of July. (July 2009 He started to light his own fireworks with Dad.)
Oct 4th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always help her with her Conference Bingo, in helping her find the church words on her paper that were said in the talks.
Oct 4th- Liahona remembers that Caleb would always pull her up the hill when sledding and he would push her going down the hill and then jump on the back of the sled.
Oct 5th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would play store and restaurant with her and Liahona.
Oct 5th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would often clear out his throat.
Oct 6th- Mom remembers when listening to cds in the van, Caleb would memorize which songs were his favorite and would say play number 10 or 22. (He had a great memory.)
Oct 6th Tamara remembers how much Caleb LOVED to hear the Tornado Warning Sirens.
Oct 6th- Mom remembers how Caleb did not like cds, or tapes of music skipping. And if I was in a different room he would come running to say, "Mom the cd is skipping!" And I would calmly say, "It's OK, I'll fix it, Thank You."
Oct 7th- Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would sneak out in the halls at night and play games together.
Oct 7th- Liahona remembers that Caleb would find all and any sticks and used them as guns.
Oct 8th- Mom remembers that Caleb would often be afraid to flush the toilet because he thought they would always overflow.
Oct 9th- Liahona remembers Caleb's most recent PBS show that he liked to watch was Pinky Dinky Doo.
Oct 10- Mom remembers that Caleb recently started to be modest when going to the bathroom, by closing the door instead of leaving it open like everyone else.
Oct 10- Dad remembers that Caleb would prefer Italian dressing on his salad instead of Ranch.
Oct 11- Tamara remembers when playing out in the snow with her siblings and when she would get cold Caleb would come over and hold her hands tight and blow hot air onto her hands with or without mittens on.
Oct 11th- Dad remembers playing many indoor soccer games with Caleb. One goal would be the wall at the end of the hallway and the other in the front living room gas fireplace.
Oct 12th- Mom remembers how much Caleb loved to play "DING."(A made up game from Mom's childhood with her siblings.)
Oct 12th- Dad remembers how Caleb would get Dad's attention when playing an indoor soccer game by kicking the ball several times at the wall (goal) while counting a goal for each time the ball hit the wall... "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9... I have 9 goals NOW!"
Oct 12th- Mom remembers that Caleb loved to dance and sing along to Robber Song from Mickey's Mousercise cd.
Oct 13th- Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to stand in the van doorway as the door closed and then he would jump off at the last moment and say, "AHHH!"
Oct 14th- Dad remembers how Caleb would get very nervous in elevators and would prefer to take the stairs instead it he could. He would get a look of panic when entering, during, and exiting the elevator. (Side note: Would often grab his private part because of nerves. )
Oct 14th- Liahona remembers that Caleb didn't like to go on escalators. They would scare him and he would whine and cling to the wall not wanting to go up until Mom or Dad would pry off his hands and help him get on and help him get off.
Oct 15th- Mom remembers how much Caleb LOVED to help his little brother. He was always aware and concerned with keeping him safe. He would almost always be the first one to notice if something was not good with Montey; example, Like putting things into his mouth that could make him choke.
Oct 15th- Dad and Liahona both remember how much Caleb LOVED to eat onions in his food, in salads, in all dinners... =)
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Caleb Mathison Memorial Scholarship
Here was your banquet that was held in your honor at BryanLGH College of Health Sciences in Lincoln Nebraska in September.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Swirling Emotions of September
Dear Caleb,
Well we went back to the land of Nebraska, where our hearts have been since we moved away from there, for an event held in your honor.
Your scholarship has been endowed and we were able to hand out the first award to the first chosen recipient. It went well, your Dad did a great job, yet it was a very difficult thing to accomplish. I thought maybe perhaps this visit would be a good healing trip, but I was wrong. However, what it did do was give me a nice slap on the face to reality. I know things don't stay the same for too long, and I shouldn't have expected it to be the same as we left it, but I kind of hoped that it would... Dad kept reminding me as we saw change after change, construction after construction, that we should be grateful that none of those things took place while we lived there. And I have to agree, that would have been hard to see, and now there is officially no going back to the past, but only forwards. When we came home I felt like for the first time in years I had both my body and heart together in one place. Before I was physically here in Washington, but my heart was in Nebraska. That has been a huge challenge with wanting to be in two places at once, so I suppose you can say that I have mentally and emotionally made the journey home.
It is interesting to think about things that used to be hard for us to handle only now seem like a piece of cake: To be young and poor college students, having 5 pregnancies, 4 children under the age of 7, moving 11 times, never seeing your father because he was either in school or at work, not having a lot of extended family support because we always lived far away from them.... I would take all of that back hands down, compared to what we get to live with now til the end of our mortal lives. The weight is 100 times worse and heavy to carry. I compare it a lot to the 10 Commandments that God gave to the children of Israel. There was a time that I struggled at some of these, but now they are easy to me. I do not have a hard time Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy, I do not steal, I do not lie, I do not commit adultery... I have no problems keeping these Commandments they have become a piece of cake to me. But there is yet another commandment that is found in the scriptures. "Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life." (3 Nephi 15:9) Now, being asked to endure to the end... that is something I fear is beyond what i can do. This is a very overwhelming thing that I now get to live with in facing to accomplish everyday. It is a tiring and daunting task at times. Sometimes I just want to lie down and let the world just move around me as I just stay still. I can not keep up at it's pace, I seem to get trampled every time I try. I just do not move to way I use too. I just do not think the way I use too. Sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing, or a hindering thing to our family? I have yet to really figure it out.
This new baby girl will not know what I used to be like, what our family used to be like, what you are like physically, and it hurts my heart. I have grasped the idea that it is okay that others do not understand how difficult it is to me, for us to be raising another child after temporary loosing you. It is not the typical kind of pregnancy, it has been different, very very different. Emotions are way high, and we are trying to kick our anxieties to the curb, but that natural man in us is the true enemy, which always gets the best of us. We have 3 months left til she arrives. And I have to keep reminding myself that obviously the Lord trusts us enough to be given yet another one of his precious little children to bring into this world, and he truly is the one who knows all things. So if he trusts me as a mother for this child, why can't I trust myself? I am trying to borrow all the confidence from God, from others that so willing share their excitement and confidence with us having another child; that I am hoping through time I will start believing it too, and feel emotionally that I can do this again along with dealing with depression. It is a very scary undertaking, all I have is my trust in God that he really knows what he is doing because I would still like to think otherwise.
How I wish I could take back all the cake trials of the past... I actually miss them. These current ones are beyond my own strength, Caleb what are we to do without you and yet gaining another one????? Our hearts are broken, how can one keep loving with a broken heart? It hurts to love because the agony of seeing you leave for a time is the real temporary torture where no ease seems to come until we are all together again. I suppose I will just keep trying to trust in God's new direction, in his new path for us, though it was never what I had ever anticipated. I am tired of feeling like a circus attraction, but our family is forever changed and keeps changing so I suppose I need to start dealing with all the eyes and comments til the end... I suppose such is life anyways.
Love You Caleb,
Love Your Mommy
Well we went back to the land of Nebraska, where our hearts have been since we moved away from there, for an event held in your honor.
Your scholarship has been endowed and we were able to hand out the first award to the first chosen recipient. It went well, your Dad did a great job, yet it was a very difficult thing to accomplish. I thought maybe perhaps this visit would be a good healing trip, but I was wrong. However, what it did do was give me a nice slap on the face to reality. I know things don't stay the same for too long, and I shouldn't have expected it to be the same as we left it, but I kind of hoped that it would... Dad kept reminding me as we saw change after change, construction after construction, that we should be grateful that none of those things took place while we lived there. And I have to agree, that would have been hard to see, and now there is officially no going back to the past, but only forwards. When we came home I felt like for the first time in years I had both my body and heart together in one place. Before I was physically here in Washington, but my heart was in Nebraska. That has been a huge challenge with wanting to be in two places at once, so I suppose you can say that I have mentally and emotionally made the journey home.
It is interesting to think about things that used to be hard for us to handle only now seem like a piece of cake: To be young and poor college students, having 5 pregnancies, 4 children under the age of 7, moving 11 times, never seeing your father because he was either in school or at work, not having a lot of extended family support because we always lived far away from them.... I would take all of that back hands down, compared to what we get to live with now til the end of our mortal lives. The weight is 100 times worse and heavy to carry. I compare it a lot to the 10 Commandments that God gave to the children of Israel. There was a time that I struggled at some of these, but now they are easy to me. I do not have a hard time Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy, I do not steal, I do not lie, I do not commit adultery... I have no problems keeping these Commandments they have become a piece of cake to me. But there is yet another commandment that is found in the scriptures. "Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life." (3 Nephi 15:9) Now, being asked to endure to the end... that is something I fear is beyond what i can do. This is a very overwhelming thing that I now get to live with in facing to accomplish everyday. It is a tiring and daunting task at times. Sometimes I just want to lie down and let the world just move around me as I just stay still. I can not keep up at it's pace, I seem to get trampled every time I try. I just do not move to way I use too. I just do not think the way I use too. Sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing, or a hindering thing to our family? I have yet to really figure it out.
This new baby girl will not know what I used to be like, what our family used to be like, what you are like physically, and it hurts my heart. I have grasped the idea that it is okay that others do not understand how difficult it is to me, for us to be raising another child after temporary loosing you. It is not the typical kind of pregnancy, it has been different, very very different. Emotions are way high, and we are trying to kick our anxieties to the curb, but that natural man in us is the true enemy, which always gets the best of us. We have 3 months left til she arrives. And I have to keep reminding myself that obviously the Lord trusts us enough to be given yet another one of his precious little children to bring into this world, and he truly is the one who knows all things. So if he trusts me as a mother for this child, why can't I trust myself? I am trying to borrow all the confidence from God, from others that so willing share their excitement and confidence with us having another child; that I am hoping through time I will start believing it too, and feel emotionally that I can do this again along with dealing with depression. It is a very scary undertaking, all I have is my trust in God that he really knows what he is doing because I would still like to think otherwise.
How I wish I could take back all the cake trials of the past... I actually miss them. These current ones are beyond my own strength, Caleb what are we to do without you and yet gaining another one????? Our hearts are broken, how can one keep loving with a broken heart? It hurts to love because the agony of seeing you leave for a time is the real temporary torture where no ease seems to come until we are all together again. I suppose I will just keep trying to trust in God's new direction, in his new path for us, though it was never what I had ever anticipated. I am tired of feeling like a circus attraction, but our family is forever changed and keeps changing so I suppose I need to start dealing with all the eyes and comments til the end... I suppose such is life anyways.
Love You Caleb,
Love Your Mommy
Sunday, September 23, 2012
September Memories Made in 2009
Sept 1st- LIahona remembers how Caleb would play the throw game and would pick up Montey and throw him onto a pillow on the couch. Montey would laugh so hard he would want to have Caleb do it again.
Sept 2nd- Mom remembers how Caleb would take the time to play soccer with Montey, teaching him how to kick the ball back and forth with Caleb.
Sept 3rd- Mom remembers how Caleb would encourage Montey to play rough with him, and to wrestle with him and to play fight and hit him, especially on Caleb's stomach when he was lying down.
Sept 4th- Tamara remembers how Caleb always loved to eat candy and always wanted treats.
Sept 5th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would match her Barbie movies with her. (that is if all his computer time was up, and he was bored with nothing else to do.)
Sept 6th- Mom remembers how the movie 'The Spiderwick Chronicles' would scare Caleb, and he doesn't scare too easily. So he would tough through it if his sisters wanted to watch it. Or he would act like he didn't want to watch a movie, if that was the chosen one for the day.
Sept 7th- Mom remembers the last time going to the movies on a Mother-Son outing. And both being scared of the movie 'Coraline.'
Sept 8th- Liahona remembers going sledding together as a family on the mountain and Caleb slid down right into the whole 'of which they called the snake pit' and just laughed and giggled when he came out. What a great sport, to laugh in the face of danger. =)
Sept 9th- Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to play with his turtle Alex.
Tamara remembers how he saved two turtles from being run over by dad as he was mowing the lawn. And how she found the third which she named Max. And Liahona named her's Peter.
Sept 10th- Mom remembers how Caleb loved black olives. The only one in our family.
Liahona remembers how Caleb would put the olives on all his fingers and go Arrr and chase her and Tamara.
Sept 11th- Tamara remembers how she would chase Caleb and try to kiss him! And he would run away from her, yelling for Help and Liahona would try and help him.
Sept 17th- Liahona remembers how Caleb would play tease Tamara by taking one of her babies and say, 'Tamara I have your baby.' She would say 'Hey' and run after him to get it. (Sometimes he would give it to Liahona and Liahona would pass it back to Caleb.)
Sept 18th- Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to play fighting computer games.
Sept 19th- Liahona remembers that Caleb's favorite action figures to play were his star war guys,( yet he didn't play with them very much because he always said he didn't have enough guys to play with. And always wanted more battle droids.)
Sept 20- Liahona remembers when she would play tug-of-war with Caleb, she would always win. And he was always a good sport at first but with each loss he would get more mad and yell 'That's not fair' and stomp off.
Sept 21th- Mom remembers how Caleb had the most sensitive nose ever. He was always complaining about how something was always SO smelly.
Sept 22nd- Liahona remembers how Caleb was afraid of elevators and going upstairs where you can see down through the cracks.
Sept 23rd- Tamara remembers sometimes Caleb would be mean to her, but would apologize and say he was sorry. Then they would play together again.
Sept 24th- Liahona remembers using the mickey mouse walkie talkies and playing on the mountain with Caleb. And they would take turns hiding on the mountains and the other would find them, as the one hiding would give them directions to their hiding spot.
Sept 25th- Mom remembers how her and Caleb would use a secret code with saying I love you. We would blink three times back and forth at each other to say we loved one another. (This started when he was a young toddler.)
Sept 26th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always play magnetics with her and Liahona.
Sept 27th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always share his cars with her.
Sept 28th- Liahona remembers when going hiking summer or winter time as a family or with friends, her and Caleb would always jump into the holes where the trees used to be. Liahona would say 'Wheee' and Caleb would say 'Arrr' when falling into the holes.
Sept 29th- Dad remembers how Caleb did not like germs. And how we wouldn't ever have to remind Caleb to wash his hands because he would always remembers to do it himself, all on his own.
Sept 30th- Tamara remembers that Caleb's favorite kind of chips were Bar-B-Que flavor chips.
Sept 2nd- Mom remembers how Caleb would take the time to play soccer with Montey, teaching him how to kick the ball back and forth with Caleb.
Sept 3rd- Mom remembers how Caleb would encourage Montey to play rough with him, and to wrestle with him and to play fight and hit him, especially on Caleb's stomach when he was lying down.
Sept 4th- Tamara remembers how Caleb always loved to eat candy and always wanted treats.
Sept 5th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would match her Barbie movies with her. (that is if all his computer time was up, and he was bored with nothing else to do.)
Sept 6th- Mom remembers how the movie 'The Spiderwick Chronicles' would scare Caleb, and he doesn't scare too easily. So he would tough through it if his sisters wanted to watch it. Or he would act like he didn't want to watch a movie, if that was the chosen one for the day.
Sept 7th- Mom remembers the last time going to the movies on a Mother-Son outing. And both being scared of the movie 'Coraline.'
Sept 8th- Liahona remembers going sledding together as a family on the mountain and Caleb slid down right into the whole 'of which they called the snake pit' and just laughed and giggled when he came out. What a great sport, to laugh in the face of danger. =)
Sept 9th- Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to play with his turtle Alex.
Tamara remembers how he saved two turtles from being run over by dad as he was mowing the lawn. And how she found the third which she named Max. And Liahona named her's Peter.
Sept 10th- Mom remembers how Caleb loved black olives. The only one in our family.
Liahona remembers how Caleb would put the olives on all his fingers and go Arrr and chase her and Tamara.
Sept 11th- Tamara remembers how she would chase Caleb and try to kiss him! And he would run away from her, yelling for Help and Liahona would try and help him.
Sept 17th- Liahona remembers how Caleb would play tease Tamara by taking one of her babies and say, 'Tamara I have your baby.' She would say 'Hey' and run after him to get it. (Sometimes he would give it to Liahona and Liahona would pass it back to Caleb.)
Sept 18th- Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to play fighting computer games.
Sept 19th- Liahona remembers that Caleb's favorite action figures to play were his star war guys,( yet he didn't play with them very much because he always said he didn't have enough guys to play with. And always wanted more battle droids.)
Sept 20- Liahona remembers when she would play tug-of-war with Caleb, she would always win. And he was always a good sport at first but with each loss he would get more mad and yell 'That's not fair' and stomp off.
Sept 21th- Mom remembers how Caleb had the most sensitive nose ever. He was always complaining about how something was always SO smelly.
Sept 22nd- Liahona remembers how Caleb was afraid of elevators and going upstairs where you can see down through the cracks.
Sept 23rd- Tamara remembers sometimes Caleb would be mean to her, but would apologize and say he was sorry. Then they would play together again.
Sept 24th- Liahona remembers using the mickey mouse walkie talkies and playing on the mountain with Caleb. And they would take turns hiding on the mountains and the other would find them, as the one hiding would give them directions to their hiding spot.
Sept 25th- Mom remembers how her and Caleb would use a secret code with saying I love you. We would blink three times back and forth at each other to say we loved one another. (This started when he was a young toddler.)
Sept 26th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always play magnetics with her and Liahona.
Sept 27th- Tamara remembers how Caleb would always share his cars with her.
Sept 28th- Liahona remembers when going hiking summer or winter time as a family or with friends, her and Caleb would always jump into the holes where the trees used to be. Liahona would say 'Wheee' and Caleb would say 'Arrr' when falling into the holes.
Sept 29th- Dad remembers how Caleb did not like germs. And how we wouldn't ever have to remind Caleb to wash his hands because he would always remembers to do it himself, all on his own.
Sept 30th- Tamara remembers that Caleb's favorite kind of chips were Bar-B-Que flavor chips.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Tender Mercies of Comfort From Make A Difference Day
Dear Caleb,
We enjoyed serving with you on This Make A Difference Day this year.
As we received each package that came, smiles and joys were brought to our faces and filled our home.
It was so beautiful to see these packages with your name on them. It brought many tears to my eyes and filled my heart with so much love, because we can not give you gifts and packages, but we were able to give and deliver these 70 plus bears to other children in need at the Seattle Children's Hospital. It was a very special experience, which we were grateful to be given to accomplish for you and with you.
Our 24th and 25th this year was extra emotional for we flew out to be with very special friends from Nebraska. We have so much love for this family; we spent Thanksgiving with them, had a few game nights together, enjoyed their company at church and activities... It was one of the very few homes that you never complained to go when I did my visiting teaching because you enjoyed being there and playing with their children.
Their Dad almost always seemed to be home, and I always thought that we were interfering with family time but they were always so gracious to let us in. I now know that this was there gift to have that time to be together, to build those earthy memories, for Heavenly Father knew what the future had yet to reveal. After our accident he was diagnosed with an extremely aggressive illness and our hearts were instantly drawn towards each other. We were both fighting deep grief, and here we are still in this same battle together. He is serving with you on this extended mission way from his family also. Seeing their family was such a tender moment. I could feel their broken hearts. I could feel their grief. There was a very familiar heaviness that I remember that I had first felt after the accident. Grandma said it's because we have become acquainted with grief. Once you have felt it, there is no way to ignore it's familiarities. It pulls you in, and allows the broken hearts to connect with each other, to communicate on a deep level then you ever could have before.
It hurt me to watch this family ache from loss, because I knew that I could not do anything about it. No words, no things, no anything could take away that bitter sting they were and are feeling... except for that one, our Savior Jesus Christ. How I wanted to take that pain away from them, to take their broken hearts, so they could smile again... because we are already there and know the ache. It's easier for me to handle my own grief and pain because it's mine and I can go at the pace I need to carry it, but to watch my friends, that pained my heart. But from this unfun, unpleasant experience brought about so much knowledge and understanding to them creating and molding them into such admirable individuals. They were so in my eyes from the begin, but now, wow there are no words to describe what the Lord has done. They have learned to become strong, it wasn't something that just was given from day one, they did it together to FIND their strength. And that ultimate strength as we have learned only comes through Christ and his blessings through his atoning sacrifice, making it possible for us to be made clean and to return to our Father in Heaven.
Our Make A Difference Day was taken to a much higher level this year. It's a day to honor loved ones, special and dear friends. We are determined to serve ever more valiantly so that not only will we be able to reunite with you, but our friends will be able to reunite with their daddy as well. Our two families are so determined to serve with you and their Daddy with such strong conviction to help prepare the way for the Second Coming of our Savior Jesus Christ, because he will be bringing the healing in his wings to mend our tender broken hearts
What would we do without our friends that stand by us? That feel on deep levels to connect with our broken hearts? It is just another way that the Lord gives in helping us see his hands, in blessing us with friends that know and feel. How are hearts are very grateful and thankful for his promises.
Love You Caleb,
=)Love Your Mommy
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Make A Difference Day Update
(Teddy Bears have been Delivered and Received, because of everyone's donations over 70 children will be blessed with cuddly animals to bring them warm fuzzies in their hearts and put smiles on their faces.)
We cannot thank you all enough!!
Love, The Mathison's
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Make A Difference Day Successful
We cannot thank you all enough for your teddy bear donations. Especially to you 21 families who were able to take the time to send a few our way. We received a total of 71 which was way over our hopeful goal of 50.
We are excited to deliver these to the children at the hospital.
For those of you who would have liked to donate teddy bears but were not able to this year and decided to do a family or individual service please feel free to share with us your success. Our hope is to touch as many lives as possible for good with the Love of Christ this Friday and Saturday the 24th and the 25th.
Thanks again everyone for serving with us, we could not make it through these days without your continued Love and Support.
=)Love The Mathison's: Eric, Tanya, Caleb, Liahona, Tamara, Montey, and the new baby to come.
Dear Caleb,
Here is your trophy that you earned this year for your hard missionary work that we are so proud of. It is of you four kids plus the new baby holding hands in a circle of unity of serving together. And each of your siblings with their medallions stating, "Team Angels 2012."
Hooray for us Team Angels. Here we are trying once again to Make A Difference with you again.
Loves To You,
Love Your Mommy
We are excited to deliver these to the children at the hospital.
For those of you who would have liked to donate teddy bears but were not able to this year and decided to do a family or individual service please feel free to share with us your success. Our hope is to touch as many lives as possible for good with the Love of Christ this Friday and Saturday the 24th and the 25th.
=)Love The Mathison's: Eric, Tanya, Caleb, Liahona, Tamara, Montey, and the new baby to come.
Dear Caleb,
Here is your trophy that you earned this year for your hard missionary work that we are so proud of. It is of you four kids plus the new baby holding hands in a circle of unity of serving together. And each of your siblings with their medallions stating, "Team Angels 2012."
Hooray for us Team Angels. Here we are trying once again to Make A Difference with you again.
Loves To You,
Love Your Mommy
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
And The Third Year Begins....
Dear Caleb,
What do I say, how do I even begin to start?? It has been very tough starting up a new year; tough in a different sense. The first year was a blur because I could not grasp the reality of this new change for our family. The second year was bitter because I lived in denial, refusing to accept this new change, because I did not want to move in anyway unless it was the way we were used to moving. And this spring prior before the start of the third year, has been extremely tough because it is the awaking to this reality, and that this is real and is to stay. I still do not like it, but I have realized that I need to stop shrugging it off like it will go away like some cold or illness, and start a new mind set of what to do next to help our family and especially myself. I have started up my two online grief therapy groups again, plus a local therapy counseling, and of course my continued personal therapy blog to you... It has been that rough this spring/summer. I feel silly for needing so much help, but I have come to accept and admit that I really can't handle and deal with all my mental, emotional issues on my own, because I have tried just sharing how I am really feeling to random people and unfortunately many are unable to just listen and understand on such a deep level. Perhaps it makes them feel too uncomfortable to have me vent to them, I do not know, but if I did not experience deep grief for myself I too wouldn't know what to say or do... so thinking of others I try to save every one's ears around me and I hold my true thoughts to myself.
It is still very difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact that just three years ago our perfect little family dynamics changed. One of the biggest things that I have come to better understand of myself is to KNOW that I was never in control of our life then, and I am not in control now. Things happened for a reason that only a Loving Father in Heaven will truly know why.... so I can stop asking, and just do more trusting. Our family has been blessed in numerous ways since then, so we continue to try to show our love to him as he continues to cradle our broke little family in his ever loving hands. So to say that I would never wish losing a loved one to my greatest enemy, would not be truthfully, because why would I not want others to feel the immense blessings being poured down from above in feeling the love that God has for them. In this journey, life has NOT been what I thought it was going to be like as a little girl or as a newlywed, however, it can only get better because God is in control. If I was in control I would be screwing things up constantly. As when I have attempted this to take control- I've noticed that I only seem to make things more unpleasant for every one around me as I pursue my career of being miserable. Elder Richard G. Scott in the Quorum of the 12 Apostles recently said in Spring General Conference this year, "Sometimes we unwisely try to face life by depending on our own experience and capacity. It is much wiser for us to seek through prayer and divine inspiration to know what to do." And for the sake of our family life, it is time for those records to be changed. I have only myself to be upset at for setting expectations in this life, thinking that I knew what to expect and what the outcome would always be like. How critical it has become for me to look for God's approval in ALL things. And to stop placing all my eggs into one basket just to have my heart be crushed because of natural human error of thinking that I know best.
In four months our little family dynamics will be changing again. There have been an overwhelming flood of paralyzing emotions that have washed over my body. Elder Richard G. Scott said, "Yielding to emotions such as anger, hurt or defensiveness will drive away the Holy Ghost. Those emotions must be eliminated, or our chance for receiving revelation is slight." Through therapy and pondering on my own I have come to realize that yes some of these fears and anxieties are from myself, for I am naturally flawed as a human, but MUCH of these bombarded unwanted thoughts have leaked in through the adversary. That sneaky brother who is full of misery himself has done a great job trying to pin all these on myself, making me think that I am worse off than I really am. Why would I be afraid of being a mother? I am one, and it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. Why would I be afraid to have another baby? I have had 5 other pregnancies; 4 children and they have all been healthy and happy. As long as I can get my depression under control, and my energy level up I can do this again. And I have 4 months to get myself up to notch of where I can be a more functioning mother full of light and love. And only these positive ways come from God where all good things flow, so of course it makes sense that Satan does not want me to achieve this- in becoming a more effective and efficient mother, because that would be against what he has been trying to do, and that is to pull us apart. He goes after the heart of the family, and if he wins the heart, he wins his objective to divide and tear apart the family, but I am SO on to him and he is NOT, NOT EVER gonna win my heart!! So Caleb, you have nothing to worry about here with your family, we are safe and looked after, cradled in the arms of a Loving Father above... but then again you already knew that. :)
One of the greatest things that has been brought back to my mind from therapy, was my sacred personal experience that touched my mind and heart as I was in the back of the ambulance on the way to be with you. Though everything was spinning faster then my mind could keep up, though everyone kept telling me that everything was going to be alright.... it was in that loud ambulance with things clanking and motors roaring, where I was touched by the spirit. Richard G. Scott said, " Two indicators that a feeling or prompting comes from God are that it produces peace in your heart and a quiet warm feeling." For a moment it was as though everything was quiet and still. My body felt as though I had been washed over with warmth and I could not feel the intense pain anymore. My mind was at ease with all the uncertainty, and my heart was filled with so much love and I heard in my mind and felt in my heart the words, "Everything will work out. Everything will work out." I pondered over and over those words in my mind. From those words I knew that things would not be okay. I knew that you would not be okay. I knew that everything would not be alright. Because I was told before hand I knew that I didn't need to fear, that I didn't need to worry because I was promised that Everything WILL work out. I have since forgotten that promise until now. Human emotions truly get in the way of the Holy Ghost communicating with us. I have found my new anchor, my renewed source of strength. Because I know that God keeps his promises, and that ours is as good as gold, for everything WILL work out. I am so grateful for a Loving Father in Heaven to put my trust in, who is capable of fulfilling all that he promises to us, he children. For what parent wouldn't want to bless their children with things that will give them happiness. I can really say now Caleb, that our Father in Heaven does really love me, and only wants to see us happy because that is truly where he delights, when he can see our smiles that he created. So every time we smile we say I love you Heavenly Daddy, thank you.
We love you Caleb, We are proud of you our Angel. Thank you for ALL the service that you are rendering to aid and assist our family, we feel your determination, strength and love from above. "Our Father did not put us earth to fail, but to succeed gloriously."-Richard G. Scott
With Eternal Love and Beyond,
Love Your Mommy
What do I say, how do I even begin to start?? It has been very tough starting up a new year; tough in a different sense. The first year was a blur because I could not grasp the reality of this new change for our family. The second year was bitter because I lived in denial, refusing to accept this new change, because I did not want to move in anyway unless it was the way we were used to moving. And this spring prior before the start of the third year, has been extremely tough because it is the awaking to this reality, and that this is real and is to stay. I still do not like it, but I have realized that I need to stop shrugging it off like it will go away like some cold or illness, and start a new mind set of what to do next to help our family and especially myself. I have started up my two online grief therapy groups again, plus a local therapy counseling, and of course my continued personal therapy blog to you... It has been that rough this spring/summer. I feel silly for needing so much help, but I have come to accept and admit that I really can't handle and deal with all my mental, emotional issues on my own, because I have tried just sharing how I am really feeling to random people and unfortunately many are unable to just listen and understand on such a deep level. Perhaps it makes them feel too uncomfortable to have me vent to them, I do not know, but if I did not experience deep grief for myself I too wouldn't know what to say or do... so thinking of others I try to save every one's ears around me and I hold my true thoughts to myself.
It is still very difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact that just three years ago our perfect little family dynamics changed. One of the biggest things that I have come to better understand of myself is to KNOW that I was never in control of our life then, and I am not in control now. Things happened for a reason that only a Loving Father in Heaven will truly know why.... so I can stop asking, and just do more trusting. Our family has been blessed in numerous ways since then, so we continue to try to show our love to him as he continues to cradle our broke little family in his ever loving hands. So to say that I would never wish losing a loved one to my greatest enemy, would not be truthfully, because why would I not want others to feel the immense blessings being poured down from above in feeling the love that God has for them. In this journey, life has NOT been what I thought it was going to be like as a little girl or as a newlywed, however, it can only get better because God is in control. If I was in control I would be screwing things up constantly. As when I have attempted this to take control- I've noticed that I only seem to make things more unpleasant for every one around me as I pursue my career of being miserable. Elder Richard G. Scott in the Quorum of the 12 Apostles recently said in Spring General Conference this year, "Sometimes we unwisely try to face life by depending on our own experience and capacity. It is much wiser for us to seek through prayer and divine inspiration to know what to do." And for the sake of our family life, it is time for those records to be changed. I have only myself to be upset at for setting expectations in this life, thinking that I knew what to expect and what the outcome would always be like. How critical it has become for me to look for God's approval in ALL things. And to stop placing all my eggs into one basket just to have my heart be crushed because of natural human error of thinking that I know best.
In four months our little family dynamics will be changing again. There have been an overwhelming flood of paralyzing emotions that have washed over my body. Elder Richard G. Scott said, "Yielding to emotions such as anger, hurt or defensiveness will drive away the Holy Ghost. Those emotions must be eliminated, or our chance for receiving revelation is slight." Through therapy and pondering on my own I have come to realize that yes some of these fears and anxieties are from myself, for I am naturally flawed as a human, but MUCH of these bombarded unwanted thoughts have leaked in through the adversary. That sneaky brother who is full of misery himself has done a great job trying to pin all these on myself, making me think that I am worse off than I really am. Why would I be afraid of being a mother? I am one, and it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. Why would I be afraid to have another baby? I have had 5 other pregnancies; 4 children and they have all been healthy and happy. As long as I can get my depression under control, and my energy level up I can do this again. And I have 4 months to get myself up to notch of where I can be a more functioning mother full of light and love. And only these positive ways come from God where all good things flow, so of course it makes sense that Satan does not want me to achieve this- in becoming a more effective and efficient mother, because that would be against what he has been trying to do, and that is to pull us apart. He goes after the heart of the family, and if he wins the heart, he wins his objective to divide and tear apart the family, but I am SO on to him and he is NOT, NOT EVER gonna win my heart!! So Caleb, you have nothing to worry about here with your family, we are safe and looked after, cradled in the arms of a Loving Father above... but then again you already knew that. :)
One of the greatest things that has been brought back to my mind from therapy, was my sacred personal experience that touched my mind and heart as I was in the back of the ambulance on the way to be with you. Though everything was spinning faster then my mind could keep up, though everyone kept telling me that everything was going to be alright.... it was in that loud ambulance with things clanking and motors roaring, where I was touched by the spirit. Richard G. Scott said, " Two indicators that a feeling or prompting comes from God are that it produces peace in your heart and a quiet warm feeling." For a moment it was as though everything was quiet and still. My body felt as though I had been washed over with warmth and I could not feel the intense pain anymore. My mind was at ease with all the uncertainty, and my heart was filled with so much love and I heard in my mind and felt in my heart the words, "Everything will work out. Everything will work out." I pondered over and over those words in my mind. From those words I knew that things would not be okay. I knew that you would not be okay. I knew that everything would not be alright. Because I was told before hand I knew that I didn't need to fear, that I didn't need to worry because I was promised that Everything WILL work out. I have since forgotten that promise until now. Human emotions truly get in the way of the Holy Ghost communicating with us. I have found my new anchor, my renewed source of strength. Because I know that God keeps his promises, and that ours is as good as gold, for everything WILL work out. I am so grateful for a Loving Father in Heaven to put my trust in, who is capable of fulfilling all that he promises to us, he children. For what parent wouldn't want to bless their children with things that will give them happiness. I can really say now Caleb, that our Father in Heaven does really love me, and only wants to see us happy because that is truly where he delights, when he can see our smiles that he created. So every time we smile we say I love you Heavenly Daddy, thank you.
We love you Caleb, We are proud of you our Angel. Thank you for ALL the service that you are rendering to aid and assist our family, we feel your determination, strength and love from above. "Our Father did not put us earth to fail, but to succeed gloriously."-Richard G. Scott
With Eternal Love and Beyond,
Love Your Mommy
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Half Way There!
26 Bears in Counting towards Our Make A Difference Goal of 50...
Thank you so much you wonderful families that have taken the time
to Help Our Family Make A Difference, we are grateful for the opportunity
to deliver these to the Children's Hospital here in Seattle next week.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
3rd Annual Make A Difference Day
Hi Our Wonderful Friends and Family,
Our 3rd Annual Make A Difference Day is coming up this month on the 24th and 25th, and we are wanting to do something different this year, but we are going to need your help if you can.
We are starting a Teddy Bear Drive, hoping to collect at least 50 new teddy bears to give to the Children's Hospital here in Seattle on Caleb's Angel Anniversary the 24th-25th.
I can imagine the added joy and smiles that these sweet cuddly teddy bears will bring to the children who are needing something to hug and squeeze to escape the unfun realities that they are facing at the hospital.
Here are the hospital guidelines with donations:
Restrictions
For safety and infection control reasons, please donate only new items that are washable, nontoxic, and not easily broken.
Then please mail them to us at our address, so we can deliver them all at once.
(If you do not have our address you can either email us at mathisonfamily@gmail.com or you can send us a friend request on facebook and we will send it to you.)
We would be more than appreciated if you could help us out. If you are unable to financially at this time, that is okay. Instead, we ask if you could do some sort of service to just help Make A Difference with us on the 24th-25th.
Thanks again everyone for supporting us and helping us out again this year... It's a tough knot to swallow this year, but then again when is it not!?
**Please forward this along to your friends and family. All help, Any help would be so appreciated.**
=) Love The Mathison's
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
A Push From The Lord
Dear Caleb,
These past 5 months have been a challenge for me, both physically and emotionally. I have been very unwell with intense cramping and aching. On a scale of 0- 10 the pain would peek as high as an 8. With a constant steady pain as low as a 3. Something just seemed wrong and not right. In April I went in to the doctors to get lab work, blood work and ultra sounds done, but all came back in the somewhat normal range with nothing out of the ordinary. So they placed me on some meds to ease the intense cramping labor pains that I have been tortured with. For 2 months I was on them but the pain was still there, but the edge of the pain for the most part was gone. So last week I went to the doctors again, because I just left like something was not right. I thought perhaps there was a cyst or a tumor of some sort, but when we went in all they found was a little heart beat. They said we were pregnant and that we are 4 months along due this year December the 31st. Can You Believe That? The odds of me becoming pregnant with no ovulation and cycle for 5 months, plus on meds that prevent pregnancy, plus 2 months ago NO test/ lab/ ultrasound results came back with any sign of a baby... and yet here we are 4 months pregnant?!?! It is almost like a Mary and baby Jesus story. This is a complete shocker, this freak miracle pregnancy. Usually having a baby is a thing a joy, and excitement with anticipation, but it is causing so much anxiety and fear in my heart and mind. My first fear was to loose a child, then after the accident it was to have another child. I do not feel that I am worthy enough to raise another sweet child of God, I do not feel that I am the mother that I should be to raise such a precious thing. I already have my four, and I am so scared that I may make this child feel like an outsider.... I fear that I may not love this child as much as I do with my others..... I fear that I do not know how to move forward with this new chapter that I was NEVER expecting to come! I am all nerves, I feel numb to this pregnancy and I am not sure what to do. Lately I have been thinking of Mary, and her beautiful example of just accepting the will of the Lord, to carry the son of God. I am trying to be more like her with having perfect faith, in trusting the will of God for our family. Because obviously going the dog route of trying to have a nice healthy distraction to pull us from the bitter to the joy didn't work, so he is pushing us to something more bonding for our family- A baby.
Last month I started therapy and I mostly did it for the sake of my marriage to your daddy and for your siblings. I am tired of always bringing them down and holding them back. And I got pretty scary and I knew that I needed to do something soon, or else our family would in jeopardy, and I have already hurt our family enough, so I figured what harm would it be to just try it out?? Perhaps it just might help me, So Why Not??? And each time I have gone I have gotten at least one new strong perspective that changed the old thinking in my mind on a topic, an idea, or even a thought -to something of truth of eternal value to help our family. I have been at wits ending thinking how can this new child even fathom what we have gone through and been through together? This child will have no pictures of itself with you, no memories... the only way is for us to teach them of you their older brother in heaven. They will have no tangible things of personal connection... only of what we share. As I expressed this fear to my therapist she stated such a truth that has hit home, but still makes me swallow knots; This child may not have the past with our family of six with you, but it has our families future with seven (six present).
Daddy and I have mentioned if anything we are excited to have 4 children to raise again, because it has been awkward going from 4 to 3- just having 3 seems too easy, and we miss having 4. We know that this pregnancy is ONLY possible because of the loving Eternal Father above knows what our family needs to heal together, and will keep us moving forward together. I have much work I need to do before this miracle baby comes to join our family in December. I have much I need to work on with trusting this new path, this new way that makes me swallow these knots of anxiety and fears. I have so much I need to work on, on feeling that I can do this. However, it does bring me comfort to know that the Lord trusts me enough to raise another one of his children, that he is not upset at me, or disappointed with me, but has all firm confidence in my capabilities to under go such a task.... but I have yet to trust in myself again. I am scared Caleb, I am scared. Please tell this baby to please be patient with me.. please, please let it know that for the sake of our future family I am going to try to do my best... please, please tell it NOT to forget you. I NEED it to remember you, I need it to know how special you are because I will not have any personal connection for this child of you here on earth.... PLEASE, please keep helping us. How terribly we miss you! So greatly we long to be together again, yet I have hit reality and realized that it will be much longer then I want, but I know with each passing day we are closer to you. Thank goodness for that.
Love You Buddy Boy,
Love Your Mommy
These past 5 months have been a challenge for me, both physically and emotionally. I have been very unwell with intense cramping and aching. On a scale of 0- 10 the pain would peek as high as an 8. With a constant steady pain as low as a 3. Something just seemed wrong and not right. In April I went in to the doctors to get lab work, blood work and ultra sounds done, but all came back in the somewhat normal range with nothing out of the ordinary. So they placed me on some meds to ease the intense cramping labor pains that I have been tortured with. For 2 months I was on them but the pain was still there, but the edge of the pain for the most part was gone. So last week I went to the doctors again, because I just left like something was not right. I thought perhaps there was a cyst or a tumor of some sort, but when we went in all they found was a little heart beat. They said we were pregnant and that we are 4 months along due this year December the 31st. Can You Believe That? The odds of me becoming pregnant with no ovulation and cycle for 5 months, plus on meds that prevent pregnancy, plus 2 months ago NO test/ lab/ ultrasound results came back with any sign of a baby... and yet here we are 4 months pregnant?!?! It is almost like a Mary and baby Jesus story. This is a complete shocker, this freak miracle pregnancy. Usually having a baby is a thing a joy, and excitement with anticipation, but it is causing so much anxiety and fear in my heart and mind. My first fear was to loose a child, then after the accident it was to have another child. I do not feel that I am worthy enough to raise another sweet child of God, I do not feel that I am the mother that I should be to raise such a precious thing. I already have my four, and I am so scared that I may make this child feel like an outsider.... I fear that I may not love this child as much as I do with my others..... I fear that I do not know how to move forward with this new chapter that I was NEVER expecting to come! I am all nerves, I feel numb to this pregnancy and I am not sure what to do. Lately I have been thinking of Mary, and her beautiful example of just accepting the will of the Lord, to carry the son of God. I am trying to be more like her with having perfect faith, in trusting the will of God for our family. Because obviously going the dog route of trying to have a nice healthy distraction to pull us from the bitter to the joy didn't work, so he is pushing us to something more bonding for our family- A baby.
Last month I started therapy and I mostly did it for the sake of my marriage to your daddy and for your siblings. I am tired of always bringing them down and holding them back. And I got pretty scary and I knew that I needed to do something soon, or else our family would in jeopardy, and I have already hurt our family enough, so I figured what harm would it be to just try it out?? Perhaps it just might help me, So Why Not??? And each time I have gone I have gotten at least one new strong perspective that changed the old thinking in my mind on a topic, an idea, or even a thought -to something of truth of eternal value to help our family. I have been at wits ending thinking how can this new child even fathom what we have gone through and been through together? This child will have no pictures of itself with you, no memories... the only way is for us to teach them of you their older brother in heaven. They will have no tangible things of personal connection... only of what we share. As I expressed this fear to my therapist she stated such a truth that has hit home, but still makes me swallow knots; This child may not have the past with our family of six with you, but it has our families future with seven (six present).
Daddy and I have mentioned if anything we are excited to have 4 children to raise again, because it has been awkward going from 4 to 3- just having 3 seems too easy, and we miss having 4. We know that this pregnancy is ONLY possible because of the loving Eternal Father above knows what our family needs to heal together, and will keep us moving forward together. I have much work I need to do before this miracle baby comes to join our family in December. I have much I need to work on with trusting this new path, this new way that makes me swallow these knots of anxiety and fears. I have so much I need to work on, on feeling that I can do this. However, it does bring me comfort to know that the Lord trusts me enough to raise another one of his children, that he is not upset at me, or disappointed with me, but has all firm confidence in my capabilities to under go such a task.... but I have yet to trust in myself again. I am scared Caleb, I am scared. Please tell this baby to please be patient with me.. please, please let it know that for the sake of our future family I am going to try to do my best... please, please tell it NOT to forget you. I NEED it to remember you, I need it to know how special you are because I will not have any personal connection for this child of you here on earth.... PLEASE, please keep helping us. How terribly we miss you! So greatly we long to be together again, yet I have hit reality and realized that it will be much longer then I want, but I know with each passing day we are closer to you. Thank goodness for that.
Love You Buddy Boy,
Love Your Mommy
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Happy 11th Birthday Caleb
HAPPY 11th BIRTHDAY OUR SWEET CALEB!!! Our gifts for you. We sang Happy Birthday then released 11 balloons into the air to you.
Thank You Caleb for the presents that you gave to your sisters and brother.
Thank You Caleb for the presents that you gave to your sisters and brother.Saturday, June 16, 2012
Come To Yourself
Dear Caleb,
I am writing you early this month because I have been emotionally unwell this Spring and had a moment where I felt well enough to do so, not sure what next week will be like because I have also been sick for 4months now. We and the docs are not sure exactly of what is going on, only time will tell. Being patient to wait things out is very annoying. I think I have had it up to my eye balls of enduring to each end.
Yesterday we had to re home Sadie, our doggie. I feel like such a failure again to your siblings. We took her in last Fall- just to give us a nice healthy distraction from the unpleasantness of reality, and she was simply the best dog for us, but not our neighborhood. Re homing her broken my heart to see your siblings so heart broken.... it's so irritating, it's seems to be our lot in life- all this heart breaking. I felt like we were doing something good and helpful to bring her into our home and lives, but then just to give her away and re home her- ugh! Why can't I do anything right. I just want to help our family, but I seem to keep hurting it.
We have watched a couple of movies that have really touched me. One- 'We Bought a Zoo.' There is such a pull in my heart to find our families new mindset and focus that pulls our family together again, I really want our own little zoo. How I have been so much like the father whenever we move I seem to always see you. Certain aisles that sell things from: sporting goods, to Pokemon cards, to koi fish... makes me want to cry. So no matter how many times we move which have been 2 times since the accident, I will only see what I want to see. The trick is using what I see in a positive and healthy way to promote success in our family and in a way to move forward so that we can be together again. On an average we move just about every year or two, and it's been 2 years this spring and I just want to move again. We have moved 11 times total with almost 12 years since our family began. And I am starting to ask myself, why do I want to move? To tell you the truth it's my outlet now of running away. I just want to get way, move away, try to start fresh but our past, our history always follows. And honestly I don't know why I like to move so much because I strongly dislike introducing our family because it is not the same, nor will the new people ever see it as we once did. The other movie was 'Madagascar 3'. They had been seeking and wanting the life of their old home at the zoo, but once they finally got there things were different, looked different, felt different as they looked through the front gate of the zoo. They realized that while they were away from their so beloved home, they gained knowledge, understanding, and even a stronger sense of what life should be about- to be together and to enjoy the new way of thinking, in daring to go a different direction then what they once thought and called 'normal.'
I started crying in these movies thinking- I want that for our family, but how do we get there? I want our zoo, I want us to dare to move in a different direction- but it is SOOOO scary and hurts my heart to think that we might be able to do this without you. But I feel that we are ready and that it is time. Time for me to take a huge step forward and to stop holding our family back. I have kept things as similar as possible thinking that this would be healing to help keep you with us in our lives, perhaps I have gone too far in some ways, but I have never been down this road before so how would I know of what would be the appropriate way to move anyways??
I currently was listening to a talk that was given at General Conference by Robert D. Hales called, 'Coming to Ourselves.'( http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/coming-to-ourselves-the-sacrament-the-temple-and-sacrifice-in-service?lang=eng) He said, "The Savior told His disciples about a son who left his wealthy father, went to a far country, and wasted his inheritance. When a famine arose, the young man took the lowly job of feeding swine. He was so hungry that he wanted to eat the husks meant for the animals.
Away from home, far from the place he wanted to be, and in his destitute condition, something of eternal significance happened in the life of this young man. In the Savior’s words, “he came to himself.”1 He remembered who he was, realized what he had been missing, and began to desire the blessings freely available in his father’s house."
I realized that this is what I need to do, I desperately need to Come to Myself. He goes on to say, "Throughout our lives, whether in times of darkness, challenge, sorrow, or sin, we may feel the Holy Ghost reminding us that we are truly sons and daughters of a caring Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we may hunger for the sacred blessings that only He can provide. At these times we should strive to come to ourselves and come back into the light of our Savior’s love.These blessings rightfully belong to all of Heavenly Father’s children. Desiring these blessings, including a life of joy and happiness, is an essential part of Heavenly Father’s plan for each one of us. The prophet Alma taught, “Even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you.”2
Caleb, I do not know where the next step lies, but I know one thing and that is that I need to do a better job trusting in the very God that promises the very blessings that I long for- An Eternal Family. I hope that we learn what he is trying to teach us, I hope we can succeed, but I fear that we are such a long ways from obtaining this very desire that consumes my soul everyday.Happy 11th Birthday next Saturday- We Desperately Love You, what more can we say....
Love Your Mommy
Thursday, May 24, 2012
The Unraveling of Spring
Dear Caleb,
I'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down
I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now
I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry
In these two and three quarter years I felt that this has been our families motto, "WE'll GET BY, WE'LL SURVIVE." No matter how many knots we have to swallow, no matter how many tears we fight from falling. We are going to turn this heartbreaking experience into something good. You are worth fighting for, and no one can stop us now... we are on our way, we are pushing forward through these aches and pains.
Last month your little brother Montey turned 4. Two weeks ago little Tamara turned 8. Spring is such a hard knot to swallow. It is painful to my heart to see your siblings growing without you, especially when they catch up to you. It was so difficult on me when Liahona turned 8 and at that time it seemed forever away until Tamara would be there, and now here she is. It was so hard on both me and her as she would be turning 8 as well. She said in the past that she never wanted to turn 8 because that's your age she would say, and now in a few months she too will physically be older then you. I feel uncertain about my emotions with all this aging without you aging with us, and I seem to be a bit bipolar about it too. I go from being an emotional mess trying to hold back tears as I watch your siblings grow older each year; to the next day crying out with joy in prayer that we are one day closer in being together again. I try to remind myself that age is irrelevant; it is just the natural processes of life that we all go through. And that you will always be their older brother, that they will always look up too, no matter the physical age.
It has almost been 3 years now, with this whole new living life without you and it still doesn't seem real to me. I am using my eyes, but they don't see how they used too. I am using my ears but they don't work like they used too.
There is a song that we came across awhile ago that really summed up how I have been feeling, interesting enough it was on the movie Alice in Wonderland. I have always thought that movie was weird and a bit frightening as a child. There is a song called 'Almost Alice', the words hit very close to home for me. It starts off by saying:
Trippin out
Spinning aroundI'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down
I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now
Can't stop me now
This is almost exactly how it felt from the beginning, we fell down hard and we kept trying to get up again but no matter our trying to move forward, our lives were upside down and nothing was going to stop or change that for our family.
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry
In these two and three quarter years I felt that this has been our families motto, "WE'll GET BY, WE'LL SURVIVE." No matter how many knots we have to swallow, no matter how many tears we fight from falling. We are going to turn this heartbreaking experience into something good. You are worth fighting for, and no one can stop us now... we are on our way, we are pushing forward through these aches and pains.
I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet again,
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end
Get back on my feet again,
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end
I often get stuck in Wondering about the what ifs, the if only's, a place I like to call Wonderland.
It's very hard to get back on my two feet if I stay there too long. I start to question what is real, what is really going on? What does an all Loving God want me, and our family to learn from all this. As I struggle to get out of my Wonderland, I am reminded that this pain and heart ache, the bigger sense of life, this immense love for you Caleb, is REAL. And the spirit reconfirms to me again and again that this is not so pretend, but what we call temporary. And this is the stand that we as a family will take to the end. THIS IS TEMPORARY!
This aching and grief has been bitter, and yet a joy in the eternal sense, having been taught the bigger sense of life, of what is real, and what is pretend 'Temporary." Our hearts rejoice within us because we will see for ourselves that truly God is loving, that his promises are indeed real. We ache to be with you and to have our family together again. The push is strong and great, and we are thankful for that, for that is what keeps us heading forward. How thankful we are to have been blessed to know the bitter, for we look forward to receiving that sweet joy of peace and rest from all our sorrows and cares someday.
See You Soon, Love Your Mommy
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
May Memories (Part 1 made in 2009)
May 1st Liahona remembers how Caleb would pray in a stink bug position on his knees with his head on the ground.
May 2nd Liahona remembers how Caleb had a hard time saving his money. Once he earned it he would want to spend it.
May 2nd Liahona remembers how Caleb loved the song from the totally Zany cd called, 'Zero, Zero."
May 2nd Mom remembers how hard Caleb would try to sing the Primary songs at church. he would sing a couple of words then he would stop and stick his tongue out of his mouth to take a break when he didn't know the words, then he would sing some more. And he would also swallow gulps in between singing with the parts that he knew the best.
May 3 Liahona remembers how her and Caleb had an underwear party. They would gather all their clean underwear together and throw them up like fireworks and pretended they were strange people and would say, "Oh, Free underwear," as they would grab some.
May 3 Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would play parade. And would pretend to be on floats, going down the road. And they would pretend to be BIG animal balloons as they walked wide and put blankets over themselves.
May 3 Liahona remembers playing the Question game with Caleb. One would keep asking "Who, What,Why, When, Where?" As the other person would keep answering the Questions that were asked.
May 4 Liahona remembers when watching super why with Caleb, and each time they would get a new letter to make the super words they would try to sound out the word with just those letters.
May 4 Liahona remembers how in a race,Caleb would always beat her, she would always beat Tamara, and Tamara would always beat Montey.
May 4 Tamara remembers when on a family walk how a grasshopper jumped on Caleb's shoulder and stayed there for awhile to enjoy the free ride. She remembers how Caleb was kind of happy and kind of scared at the same time.
May 5 Mom remembers how Caleb taught Montey how to do love chest bumps as they jumped into the air into each others bodies.
May 5 Liahona remembers on Super Why a PBS kids show, that when her and Caleb and Tamara would watch it they would pretend to fly around as the Super Reads flew around in their jets.
May 6 Mom remembers how it took Caleb a long time to get used too and be okay with Rudy (our friends dog.) Yet he would still be a bit cautious with Rudy around.
May 6 Liahona remembers sitting next to Caleb at CiCi's Pizza at his soccer party. And sat next to him while he played a racing car game.
May 7 Liahona remembers how Caleb would sit on his legs when sitting on a chair, especially on the dinning room chair eating breakfast lunch and dinner.
May 7 Liahona remembers when we first got to Nebraska Caleb said, "It's so flat. Why is it so flat?"
May 7 Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to bite his straws from his drinks that he would get at resturaunts.
May 8 Mom remembers when driving through the neighborhood Caleb and Liahona would play I spy a flower on the door, by saying, "Flower," each time they found one.
May 8 Liahona remembers how Dad would have her and Caleb race each other as they would tie their shoelaces. She remembers how most of the time Caleb would always win, and sometimes she would win. Dad said they needed to do this to help them learn how to tie their shoes.
May 8 Liahona remembers playing hide'n' go seek with Caleb and he hid on the counter in the kitchen, standing next to the fridge.
May 8 Dylan remembers picking off the fuzzes with Caleb that was on Dylan's sweater.
May 9 Mom remembers how Caleb liked to play board games.
May 9 Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to play the game Life.
May 9 Tamara remembers that Caleb liked playing the game Disney Monopoly.
May 9 Mom remembers that Caleb did not like to play the Disney Character game because he would often loose to his mom , and he liked to win.
May 10 Mom remembers that Caleb liked playing the game Balloon Lagoon. But he did not like doing the part where the frogs had to bounce into the lily pad.
May 10 Dad remembers how Caleb liked to play Settlers of Catan on Sunday Evenings after church.
May 10 Dad remembers how Caleb liked to play Sea Fairs of Catan (just learned) on Sunday evenings too with Mom and Dad.
May 10 Mom remembers how it would often be Caleb bringing up the idea of playing a board game.
May 11 Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to play checkers and chess. He was very good at these games.
May 11 Liahona remembers how Caleb liked playing checkers and chess and other games on webkinz .
May 12 Liahona remembers for PE, her and Caleb would take turns using the Pedo-Meter that snapped onto their pants to count how many steps they took, and would have to make it a certain number to show before they were done.
May 12 Mom remembers that Caleb would rather do PE for school than anything else. He loved being active and being outside.
May 13 Mom remembers how Caleb loved to read and sing the Hymns and Primary songs from the songbook at bedtime after being tucked in for the night.
May 13 Dad remembers how quick Caleb was to obey even when he didn't want to do what he was told.
May 14 Liahona remembers playing the animal game ___ vs ____ like: Tigers vs Polar Bears. They would have to try to get the other animal on it's back or tummy and count to 3. Then they would win that round. And they would start another round.
May 14 Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to put olives on his fingers.
May 15 Mom remembers how Caleb loved singing and talking into the fan.
May 15 Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would talk ti each other through the floor vents.
May 15 Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would sit on the stair railing/ wall on the stairs from the OR home.
May 15 Liahona remembers playing lego land with Caleb. They would be lego people and they would color pictures like cars, stop signs, green lights, flowers around the house. They would carry the coloring of a car when they were in it. And would stop at the red lights, go at the green lights, And some times they would loose pieces as they crashed.
May 15 Mom remembers how Caleb would try to guess a webkinz code and try to adopt a new webkinz, but obviously it would never work.
May 15 Liahona remembers catching a butterfly with Caleb and put in in Caleb and Dylan's bug zoo.
May 15 Dad remembers how he played spear war with the kids and with the Draper kids with using ears of corn.
May 15 Dad remembers how Caleb liked to be the first when hiking.
May 15 Dad remembers how Caleb liked to use a hiking stick to walk with and whack things with while on the way.
May 15 Mom remembers how Caleb liked to drag his walking stick on the ground to make snake trails.
May 15 Liahona remembers taking turns with Caleb when tickling each others backs they would use their hands cars to draw on each others backs. One specific orange car was known as the 'tickling car.'
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