Christmas Is here again

Dear Caleb,

I am greatly missing you this Christmas Season, I hate to say that I dislike Christmas because I don't, it's just so hard to be happy. I am trying really hard to not be a downer when I am around others and seem like I'm a baa humbug. But with all the memories: getting out your Christmas train, putting up your special ornaments.... it's just so piercing to my heart. It hurts and I just want to cry all the time; it just doesn't seem possible to be happy during this time without you here. The ache is oh so terribly bitter during these Christmas times. Times that you just loved so much and looked forward too with your count down paper chains.

I've been listening to Christmas music with your siblings as we would drive around, trying to perk me into the mood but even the Christmas music sounds different to me again this year. And there are three songs specifically that keep bringing tears to my eyes and I get lost in the words. The first song is called, 'Christmas All Over Again' It says, "It is Christmas time again, decorations are hung by the fire, everyone is singing and all the bells are ringing out, and it's Christmas all over again." I am once again just going through the emotions of Christmas, everyone I see seem happy, and yet I keep thinking to myself, 'It's Christmas time again, here we go again' followed by a sour stomach every time. The second song is called, 'Somewhere in my memory.' It says, "Somewhere in my memory finds the joy of Christmas, living in my memory, all of the music, all of the magic, all of the family at home with me." I am trying so hard not to compare all present Christmas's to the ones that we shared with you. But it is just so hard to find all that joy and laughter and magic without you here with us. And the third song is called, 'Where are you Christmas.' It says, "Where are you Christmas why can't I find you, why have you gone away? Where is the laughter you used to bring me, why can't I hear music play? My world is changing I'm rearranging, does that mean that Christmas changes too?"

Caleb I know that the real reason of Christmas has not changed. I know that the only way to find pure joy has never changed either. It is the same and has been and ever will be forever. And it is through Christ our Lord, who was born in a lowly manger in Bethlehem. It is only because of him that I can hold my head high as tears stream down my cheeks; it is through him that saves, it is through him that will allow us to be together again.

This Christmas, I am brought back to my thoughts on Mary, the Mother of Jesus. How brave; how strong; how faithful and valiant she must have been- to carry the weight of knowing that her precious son would only stay for a short while, and then return home above. I have written a poem about her; It's called, 'Mary's Tribute.'

"I look to Mary with amazing awe,
As she was faithful in what she heard and saw.

How could one be so firm and true,
Knowing that her son's life would soon be due.

To carry such a constant ache in her heart,
I'm amazed that it never tore her apart.

She stood so valiant and oh so strong,
And never complained or thought God was wrong.

How I want to be more like her,
That obeyed God's will to become an accomplisher."

Caleb, sweet Caleb, I want to give you a present of my heart which is better then any physical gift of toys and things. I want to promise to you that I will try to be more like Mary: one who is strong, one who is focused always on God's will, one who finds progress through Christ. I cannot bear to disappoint you again, nor our family. I will kept pushing our family moving forward towards you. Thankfully we are not alone in this bitter work, we have the best loving supporting family on our side- God our Eternal Father and in his living, resurrected son Jesus Christ. Because of them we can do this, we will do this, there is no other way then God's way, so we will hold on tight as we follow his lighted path for us- with our aching hearts and tear stained faces. Because we know that we are promised everlasting joy if we but endure to the end, so we move with faith and trust- knowing that all WILL be made right!

We so dearly love you our Kabub. Merry Christmas Buddy Boy.
Love Your Mommy