The Unraveling of Spring

Dear Caleb,

Last month your little brother Montey turned 4. Two weeks ago little Tamara turned 8. Spring is such a hard knot to swallow. It is painful to my heart to see your siblings growing without you, especially when they catch up to you. It was so difficult on me when Liahona turned 8 and at that time it seemed forever away until Tamara would be there, and now here she is. It was so hard on both me and her as she would be turning 8 as well. She said in the past that she never wanted to turn 8 because that's your age she would say, and now in a few months she too will physically be older then you. I feel uncertain about my emotions with all this aging without you aging with us, and I seem to be a bit bipolar about it too. I go from being an emotional mess trying to hold back tears as I watch your siblings grow older each year; to the next day crying out with joy in prayer that we are one day closer in being together again. I try to remind myself that age is irrelevant; it is just the natural processes of life that we all go through. And that you will always be their older brother, that they will always look up too, no matter the physical age.

It has almost been 3 years now, with this whole new living life without you and it still doesn't seem real to me. I am using my eyes, but they don't see how they used too. I am using my ears but they don't work like they used too.

There is a song that we came across awhile ago that really summed up how I have been feeling, interesting enough it was on the movie Alice in Wonderland. I have always thought that movie was weird and a bit frightening as a child. There is a song called 'Almost Alice', the words hit very close to home for me. It starts off by saying:

Trippin out

Spinning around
I'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now

Can't stop me now

This is almost exactly how it felt from the beginning, we fell down hard and we kept trying to get up again but no matter our trying to move forward, our lives were upside down and nothing was going to stop or change that for our family.

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry
In these two and three quarter years I felt that this has been our families motto, "WE'll GET BY, WE'LL SURVIVE." No matter how many knots we have to swallow, no matter how many tears we fight from falling. We are going to turn this heartbreaking experience into something good. You are worth fighting for, and no one can stop us now... we are on our way, we are pushing forward through these aches and pains.

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet again,
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end

I often get stuck in Wondering about the what ifs, the if only's, a place I like to call Wonderland.

It's very hard to get back on my two feet if I stay there too long. I start to question what is real, what is really going on? What does an all Loving God want me, and our family to learn from all this. As I struggle to get out of my Wonderland, I am reminded that this pain and heart ache, the bigger sense of life, this immense love for you Caleb, is REAL. And the spirit reconfirms to me again and again that this is not so pretend, but what we call temporary. And this is the stand that we as a family will take to the end. THIS IS TEMPORARY!

This aching and grief has been bitter, and yet a joy in the eternal sense, having been taught the bigger sense of life, of what is real, and what is pretend 'Temporary." Our hearts rejoice within us because we will see for ourselves that truly God is loving, that his promises are indeed real. We ache to be with you and to have our family together again. The push is strong and great, and we are thankful for that, for that is what keeps us heading forward. How thankful we are to have been blessed to know the bitter, for we look forward to receiving that sweet joy of peace and rest from all our sorrows and cares someday.

See You Soon, Love Your Mommy

Guardians Of Our Heart

Dear Caleb,

 I can tell that it is the 25th, because my emotions are very tender. Easter was such a beautiful time and ever so special, as we were able to set aside a day to remember the very blessings that we desire- which was made possible that very day from our Saviour Jesus Christ. The promised blessings to be granted eternal life, the joy and longing in our heart to be together again. The aching is still one of much sorrow, but the bitterness is lifting, as we align our hearts to the will of our Father. It is not an easy thing to do, and with all actuality it is easier said then done, but the blessings that our promised to those that endure and at least try... we will see that it will all be worth it at the end.

I love the words in Psalms 34:18, "The Lord is nigh unto then that are of a broken heart." When I am bowed down with grief and physical pain that reminds me of unpleasant circumstances, it is through the small tender mercies of the Lord that I am told that I am loved and not forgotten, nor forsaken. And I often stop and ask myself, "Why does he who is so perfect love me, when I am so far from perfection?" It amazes me that this loving God allows us to be the guardians of our own heart. That it is given to us of our own free will to open our heart to his spirit. His love is overflowing for us, however, he will not force his love upon us, nor force us to partake of his goodness.  We literally choose what we let in and what we let out.

I know that God is good, and that he is Faithful, so why do I at times let in anger and fear to run amuck in my heart. I often tell myself, "Tanya you have faith in Jesus Christ, everything is going to work at in the end, just keep it together..... just hold on...."

I recently met with the Bishop in our ward. Such a wonderful man of God he his, filled with the spirit and wisdom of the Lord. We talked much about Faith, and he asked me, "What is the first thing that comes to our minds when we talk about Faith"? I said, "Faith in Jesus Christ". He said, "Yes, Faith in his atonement and all that he came to do, but that is only part of it". I was puzzled at first, but then he continued and said, "The other part is Faith in ourselves." Faith that we will do what a loving Father in Heaven has for us to do, and knows what we can accomplish. I had such an overwhelming feeling that filled my body, where the spirit spoke to my mind and heart and said, "Tanya you need to have faith in yourself!" I can easily say that I have faith in Jesus Christ, but if you ask me if I have faith in myself?? Now, this is much more difficult for me to answer.

Did the Bishop know that I needed to hear those very words? NO. But, God did. God used a very special person that I knew and trusted to help me hear these very words to be reminded of his love for me. How beautiful that moment was to know that God knew specifically of my inner struggles of feeling adequate to the task of continuing my life in mortality. The fears I live each day feeling that i do not measure up to what my family needs or deserves from a wife and mother. The fear of letting them down again constantly haunting my mind and causing me to fear and loose faith in myself over and over again.

Too often have I crowded my heart of my own free will with things of fear and doubt that have kept me from truly feeling more of the love that God tenderly has for me. It is only myself that has kept me from being closer to him, and to you Caleb. I used to think that there was a physical veil that separated us from one another, but as it is said in 2 Corinthians 3: 15, "But even unto this day... the vail is upon their heart." If I can keep my heart aligned with Jesus Christ, PLUS with having faith in myself, I know that there will be nothing to separate us. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come. Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8: 35, 37-39)

I love you Caleb, may our hearts stay strong til we meet again.

Love Your Mommy