5th Month

Dear Caleb Boy,
We have been making a family memory journal about you since the day after the accident. I was wanting to get 365 memories before the New Year so I could make 'A Memory a Day' calendar for us to enjoy throughout this whole next year ahead of us, taking you with us into our new journeys. We have 484 entries written down in your honor, and it keeps growing everyday. How grateful we are to know that these memories are ours forever, and no one can ever take them away from us. As we re-read them, we can't help but laugh and giggle as we remember with you, the great and funny things that you did, that brought us all so much joy. The pain is still very painful at times, but we don't allow ourselves to go there, or else we could get too deep over our heads, which would just make things harder with the healing and pressing onward. Of which in the scriptures we are reminded of that very thing when the Prophet Joseph Smith spoke to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 1842 in Nauvoo Illinois, "Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad. Let the earth break forth into singing. Let the dead speak forth anthems of eternal praise to the King Immanuel, who hath ordained, before the world was, that which would enable us to redeem them out of their prison; for the prisoners shall go free." We have so much trust and love in the Savior that we know that what he promises will indeed come to pass, and is indeed true. Perhaps people may say, "But to put your trust completely in the hands of God, is weak. For we are strong and we can carry our own weight. For is it a silly thing to fully put your trust in something, or someone you can't see? " To them we can say, that it surely does NOT make one weak. After the accident my body hurt incredibly after the wreck. And on top of it, my body felt to be as heavy as lead, and I literally could NOT get out of bed on my own. Our bodies are weak, as to our flesh. But yet I still had duties and responsibilities as a mother to my 3 other children and as a wife, and just as being me. For all the strength of my own was NOT enough, I am humble enough to admit that. Lying there in my bed powerless, but knowing that I could not stay there, I knew that I had to do something. I have only heard that the power of prayer was a very strong source of strength, however I am also humble to admit that I didn't fully understand what that meant. UNTIL now! I started to pray harder than I have ever prayed before, pleading for help to move, the strength to be able to handle the demands of being a mom, a wife, and just me. Somehow in small forms, little by little each day I managed to survive yet another day, with just enough energy to climb into bed to just start yet another day..... The aches and pains were terribly strong, and from moving throughout the day they seemed to make the pains stronger once I laid down on my bed. But throughout the day as I kept moving, they didn't seems to hold me back, in doing my duties, and fulfilling my responsibilities. Then it hit me one day, the strength that came was indeed NOT my own, for I could not do all my duties that needed to be done each day, I just wanted to lay in my bed and sleep forever... on my own it was physically impossible. So what have I learned from all of this? That all that extra strength that came to my aide at the time I needed it was completely from the Lord, through my pleading prayers, little by little my he allowed me that ease and help to bear my earthly burden. This challenge is defiantly the hardest that I have ever had to endure. The constant physical reminders of each day from the loss of your sweet presence, pulls at our very heartstrings. Though now the pain is strong, our JOY WILL be even GREATER then.
The other Saturday, I finished our journey that we had started Caleb. I drove out to the crash site and found the scout store there in Walton. It wasn't too far, and yes we were heading in the right direction, and because we did not make it to our destination, I wanted to finish it for us. It was one of the hardest days I have had since the wreck. As I walked into the scout store I had so many negative emotions that flooded my mind, as I tearfully gathered the pocket knife and scout shirt that we were planning on getting for you, and placed everything on the counter to purchase all my tears came pouring out, leaving the poor lady speechless. I attempted through my sobs to explain our journey that was never finished, and that I was here finishing our journey. And then she handed me my items and said have a nice day. I balled all the way out to the car, in the car, and all the way home. Then after a long 5months our Neon was finally released from those that were investigating the wreck. I have been thinking long and hard about whether or not to go see the car in person once it was released, and I realized that I did NOT need that for my personal healing, and how this would actually make it worse for me instead of helping me heal. Eric and a wonderful family friend John, went to gather our belongs from the car. There are 2 big bags full of items that were from inside the Neon, including your shoes and mine. Dad said finding your shoes was one of the emotionally hardest parts to have had to deal with there. We were unable to get back any of your personal belongs from the wreck. And I really wanted your red soccer shirt back and your favorite army shoes that you were wearing. Now we have your favorite lucky shoes back, of which I am so glad to have. We are hoping to get special new soccer shirts in your honor from the company that made them for Capital Soccer Association league that you played on.
You know Caleb, all and all we are doing Okay, you can't blame us for not doing any better, and most likely that's all we will ever be for the rest of our mortal lives. In which we are ever so grateful for the promised blessing of being an eternal family. That you will always have your place in our little family, the Oldest big brother. Even though we miss you more each day, we are grateful to know that we are ONE DAY closer to you as each passes by. We love you! Love Your Mommy

Our Family Memories:

We remember for Montey that Caleb would not only wrestle with him, but would often encourage it.

Tamara remembers how Caleb would go crazy happy when onions were being served with dinner. And how he would pick them out of his salad and eat them plain.

Liahona remembers how Caleb taught her how to drink from the refrigerator waterspout without using a cup. And how they both enjoyed getting a drink of water this way.

Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb taught her how to play Pokémon and do the math to keep track to see who would win.

Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb likes to play darts. And how he would often get competitive and disappointed when he threw a bad shot, but then he would get very excited and proud of himself when he threw a good shot, especially when it was better than dad.

Our Fourth Month....

Dear Caleb,

We are very grateful that we are one more day closer to you, as crazy hard as this has all been... We cannot wait for that day to see your sweet face and give you our hugs and kisses that have been placed on the shelf for now. There have already been so many placed on the shelf that the shelf can barely stay up. Dad and I have hit rock bottom many times when we allow ourselves to view life through our mortal eyes. Our arms ache for your sweet hugs, and long for your sweet touch. We ever so miss you, our sweet Buddy Boy. Life hurts and there is nothing that anyone can do about it. In which we are very so grateful to be reminded of the Reason of this Season, the birth of Our Savior Jesus Christ. It is only through and of him that we can even have the strength to move from one day to the next. As hard as it will be, to have to Celebrate this time without your sweet physical presence, we know that your spirit will be ever so near. Oh how you loved this time of year, playing in the snow, playing Christmas with your sisters, and getting so anxious that your joys make us smile ever so big. We are reminded more and more that to live our earthly life with even the least bit of joy, that we must live and view life with our spiritual eyes. If there has been anything for us to gain and understand from all of this right now, it would be that you have shown us that there is just a Better way to live our mortal lives down here on earth. I have talked to others that have lost children and they said that for them "It was a reminder for them to turn around and come back to God." I struggled with that for awhile, I couldn't understand how that would we for us. Being a faithful Christian and church going people, always having family prayer and scripture study, doing all that we could to stay close to the Lord by keep the commandments that have been taught to us through the scriptures.... I just didn't understand what this was all suppose to mean to us. What were we suppose to learn from such a tragedy? Then one day it hit me like a load of bricks, it wasn't that we were straying from the Lord and that it was suppose to turn us around back towards the Lord. It was the fact that "Yes" we were living a good life, but there is just a BETTER way to do it.

In the talk 'Good, Better, Best' by Elder Dallin H. Oaks Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, "The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives."
"We should remember that it is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best."
"We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families."

Caleb, Thank you for showing us that there is a better way for us to live our mortal lives here on earth, by living with and through our spiritual eyes. We could not continue our earthly journey without this small insight that has opened our minds and hearts to a big and brighter view. Thank goodness for our Savior and the truth that he truly has come to save us all and show us how we can return back home. That there is a real purpose on life, and that all of our work, effort, and experiences are not in vain, but for a wise and eternal purpose.
We love you so much Caleb. We know that you will be near us at this Christmas Season. Thank you, for staying close.
Love, Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers: How Caleb loved the Nebraska summer rain-less storms with the thunder and lighting.
Liahona remembers: Playing water spray tag with Caleb. If you got sprayed 3 times then it was your turn to be the sprayer. They would run around in their swimsuits to play the game, (even in the winter time.)
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How Caleb was the only one who could remember our garage door code number.
Dad (Eric) remembers: How hyper Caleb would get as he tried and worked hard to get on and off his new bike that he got for his 8th birthday. And how he got better with not crashing into things and falling over when stopping.