Feelings Of A Tender Heart

Dear Caleb,

The feelings of my heart have been so tender this past month. As a family we have fulfilled our promise to you and your siblings, to take you guys to Disneyland, once daddy finished his school in Nebraska. It was one of the most difficult trips to go on. I prayed that we would feel the Lord's hand to help make this trip go well, and that we would feel of your excitement and joy. It was suppose to rain the whole time we were there, but weeks before, I prayed for a miracle that the rains would hold long enough for us to do all that we came to do. It poured rain as we got there and got to our hotel, and all night long. But once we woke up the sun was shinning, and all day long we were able to do day 1 of our family outing with nice weather. I kept saying "Thank you Heavenly Father", after I would say, "It is such a nice day." On day two, it was sunny again and we got finished with everything at 3pm in the afternoon and then the rains came down. It was not a coincidence, as some would think. I knew that Heavenly Father was helping us to have nice weather, for it was his was of telling us that he loved us, and wanted us to have a successful and happy trip as a family, as we are trying to build those memories as a family again. Tears filled my eyes as I expressed again in my heart, of my Gratitude for his hand, in keeping the weather good- just long enough for us to do all that we came to do. I was filled with so much joy in my heart, as I was able to recognize this tender mercy that the Lord had given to our family. This trip was healing for us, even to the point that when the rain did come, it did not ruin the rest of the evening. We just put on our ponchos and played some more as a family. This was the biggest highlight of the whole trip for me Caleb. Seeing and Having the help of an All knowing Father in Heaven helping us, even when we are on vacation. To be reminded that he is aware of what we need, even before we ask for it. I feel that with everything that I am truly indebted to him, and almost guilty, for I think am I really worthy of such love? I feel I owe him and you and the family so much, after everything. I am so cautious with my actions, I do not dare bring more upon our family, and yet I still fail to live my expectations each day. I so easily get upset with myself if I can't make the best of each day, with being better, and keeping that eternal perspective in all that I do, say, and act.

I cannot let my heart fail me, as my mind does oh so much. My current prayer is that I plead to Father that he will help my heart to not fail me, that my faith and focus will stay strong. That I will not be distracted or allow myself to be comforted by the things of this world. The only true and lasting comfort is in the arms of our Savior, our brother who knows the very pain and heartaches that we carry because he has felt them. The word enduring is not one for the faint of heart. Some days I think to myself, "I am gonna crack, I am gonna crack...." Trying to keep it together day after day after day, can be so wearing on the heart. A well loved apostle of the Lord, Neal A. Maxwell said this about enduring, "By taking Jesus' yoke upon us enduring, we learn most deeply of him and especially how to be like him. Even though our experiences are mirco compared to his, the process is the same." No one every 'wants' to have change whether it be big or small, it can be a scary thing; even the Lord was scared when that bitter cup was held up to him- but unlike us, he was willing to partake. The Apostle Paul said in Hebrews 12:11, "Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yielded the peaceable fruit of righteousness." I look to my Savior now, he is happier beyond measure. Those moment of grief and pain were but a moment and now he will have eternal joy and rest. Caleb, so why does this 'small' moment seem so long already, when we still have much left to do here? Everyday, it is the same, I see myself and my life but I feel like I am watching it- it does not seem real. This alternate life without you with us is so awkward. I don't know how to act, I don't know what to think, I don't know how to just be. I am just not getting it, it is so confusing of what to do next, I am completely dumbfounded of how to move with this world, and with it's pace.

I was reading more of Elder Maxwell's talk about enduring and this comment really stood out to me, he said, "If certain mortal experiences were cut short, it would be like pulling up a flower to see how the roots are doing. Put another way, too many anxious openings of the oven door, and the cake falls instead of rising. Moreover, enforced change usually does not last, while productive enduring can ingrain permanent change." I know it's not my time, that would be the easy way out, nor would I get to learn all that is entrusted to me to learn. For those reasons I know that to be here with your dad and siblings is where I need to be, but this enduring.... I'll tell you it is some bitter work. Of which I hope someday will change to sweetened joy, that I may only cry evermore with tears of joy and happiness.

Elder Maxwell also said, "Endurance is more than a pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstances; it is not only acceptance of the things allotted to us, it is to 'act for ourselves' (Alma 29:3,6) by magnifying what is allotted to us." It is easy to go up and down with the emotions, cuz that just naturally happens on it's own, but to accept it and to turn it into a positive, now that is the tricky part. I'll have to be honest with you Caleb, I have yet to find out how to make that work? How do I magnify with what has been given to us? I am determined though, to figure it out. This will not be wasted time, but it will be full of purpose, of which I hope comes soon. I think others see that we are at point A and soon with 'time' we will be at point B and things will get easier, but Elder Maxwell said this truthful statement, "True endurance represents not merely the passage of time, but the passage of the soul- and not merely from A to B, but sometimes all the way from A to Z." We have our eyes on that Z like no other. We know that it is going to be a long one, and we are holding on tight for the long hold.

Even as Elder Maxwell said, "...When we are being tossed about by the surf of circumstance, even when a seeming under tow grasps us, somehow in the tumbling, we are being carried forward, though battered and bruised." I literally do not know how we manage to move forward, as people tell us, "Wow, I could not do that, how do you keep moving forward?" The only answer that comes to my mind is, that we truly are being carried, because we literally could not do it on our own.

But from all this experience it has given me quite the sense and desire to find others who's hearts are broken and downtrodden like mine. I have felt the sense of the magic peace of healing that comes from mourning with those that mourn, and comforting those that stand in need of comfort- for it helps comfort my own tender heart. Just like Elder Maxwell said, "When, for the moment, we ourselves are not being stretched on a particular cross, we ought to be at the foot of someone Else's- full of empathy and proffering spiritual refreshment."

All this sorrow and ache has caused my mind to be opened and broadened, giving my heart much yearning for that greater joy, that I would have not been able to have space or room for in the past. But now, it has caused me to have much, much, much more to be looking forward to: to learn, to experience, to receive the greatest joy there in- Eternal Life, and being an Eternal Family. Some days I think, the Lord must really trust our family to be given this, but I know that just as Christ was given his bitter cup to drink from, so must we. I am just hoping that we can say like Christ our Savior on the cross, "It is finished." Christ was the best finisher, the best example of accepting the bitter cup, and acting appropriately after. Even with our much, much smaller scale of our cup, I hope that as a family we can say, "It is finished. We did all that you Lord, had for us to do and learn. It is done." I am so grateful for the scriptures to be reminded after all that happens in our lives that, 'The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?' (D&C 122:8) I know that we are not, and never will be, so we drink and partake with honor- and carry it boldly for the Lord, to show our Love and Respect for him and what he has done for us. For he, our Brother, has made it possible for ALL TO BE MADE RIGHT. Caleb, I know this to be true will all the fiber of my being.

We love you so much Caleb, this work is tough, but as a family- We Can Do It.
Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers at bedtime after scripture and prayer how Caleb started the game, hide from dad. And dad would find them and then carry them all to bed.

Liahona remembers how Caleb loved to play out in the rain.

Mom (Tanya) remembers how self motivated Caleb was, when he wanted to do something, like; ride his bike. he would quickly accomplish it.

Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb loved to watch the wipe out show with him.

8 Months Old

On February 23, 2001, You were 8 months old.

.You loved to crawl around our apartment in Spokane Washington. Dad was in Nursing school, and took much of his time, plus he worked at Holy Family Hospital after school and doing night shifts on the weekends. We walked to friendship park a lot near the apartment, you loved the swings. Our apartment was on the first floor and we had a nice patio where you liked to pick up rock after rock and throw them, and even try to eat them.

.You loved to play in the little water pool that I filled with different things, like: dirt, rice, shredded paper, flour (but never with water because I was too afraid you would drown). And you did quite well for the most part keeping these things out of your mouth. You just love the feel of different things and I didn't mind letting you get dirty and explore this world.

.You were a super fun baby at this age. You didn't have colic and scream all the time, but you still woke up at night often.
.But the biggest thing that you loved to do was pull out all my books on our small book shelf. That would keep you entertained for hours, as long as i kept reshelving it after you pulled everything out.