A Push From The Lord

Dear Caleb,
These past 5 months have been a challenge for me, both physically and emotionally. I have been very unwell with intense cramping and aching. On a scale of 0- 10 the pain would peek as high as an 8. With a constant steady pain as low as a 3. Something just seemed wrong and not right. In April I went in to the doctors to get lab work, blood work and ultra sounds done, but all came back in the somewhat normal range with nothing out of the ordinary. So they placed me on some meds to ease the intense cramping labor pains that I have been tortured with. For 2 months I was on them but the pain was still there, but the edge of the pain for the most part was gone. So last week I went to the doctors again, because I just left like something was not right. I thought perhaps there was a cyst or a tumor of some sort, but when we went in all they found was a little heart beat. They said we were pregnant and that we are 4 months along due this year December the 31st. Can You Believe That? The odds of me becoming pregnant with no ovulation and cycle for 5 months, plus on meds that prevent pregnancy, plus 2 months ago NO test/ lab/ ultrasound results came back with any sign of a baby... and yet here we are 4 months pregnant?!?! It is almost like a Mary and baby Jesus story. This is a complete shocker, this freak miracle pregnancy. Usually having a baby is a thing a joy, and excitement with anticipation, but it is causing so much anxiety and fear in my heart and mind. My first fear was to loose a child, then after the accident it was to have another child. I do not feel that I am worthy enough to raise another sweet child of God, I do not feel that I am the mother that I should be to raise such a precious thing. I already have my four, and I am so scared that I may make this child feel like an outsider.... I fear that I may not love this child as much as I do with my others..... I fear that I do not know how to move forward with this new chapter that I was NEVER expecting to come! I am all nerves, I feel numb to this pregnancy and I am not sure what to do. Lately I have been thinking of Mary, and her beautiful example of just accepting the will of the Lord, to carry the son of God. I am trying to be more like her with having perfect faith, in trusting the will of God for our family. Because obviously going the dog route of trying to have a nice healthy distraction to pull us from the bitter to the joy didn't work, so he is pushing us to something more bonding for our family- A baby.
Last month I started therapy and I mostly did it for the sake of my marriage to your daddy and for your siblings. I am tired of always bringing them down and holding them back. And I got pretty scary and I knew that I needed to do something soon, or else our family would in jeopardy, and I have already hurt our family enough, so I figured what harm would it be to just try it out?? Perhaps it just might help me, So Why Not??? And each time I have gone I have gotten at least one new strong perspective that changed the old thinking in my mind on a topic, an idea, or even a thought -to something of truth of eternal value to help our family. I have been at wits ending thinking how can this new child even fathom what we have gone through and been through together? This child will have no pictures of itself with you, no memories... the only way is for us to teach them of you their older brother in heaven. They will have no tangible things of personal connection... only of what we share. As I expressed this fear to my therapist she stated such a truth that has hit home, but still makes me swallow knots; This child may not have the past with our family of six with you, but it has our families future with seven (six present).
Daddy and I have mentioned if anything we are excited to have 4 children to raise again, because it has been awkward going from 4 to 3- just having 3 seems too easy, and we miss having 4. We know that this pregnancy is ONLY possible because of the loving Eternal Father above knows what our family needs to heal together, and will keep us moving forward together. I have much work I need to do before this miracle baby comes to join our family in December. I have much I need to work on with trusting this new path, this new way that makes me swallow these knots of anxiety and fears. I have so much I need to work on, on feeling that I can do this. However, it does bring me comfort to know that the Lord trusts me enough to raise another one of his children, that he is not upset at me, or disappointed with me, but has all firm confidence in my capabilities to under go such a task.... but I have yet to trust in myself again. I am scared Caleb, I am scared. Please tell this baby to please be patient with me.. please, please let it know that for the sake of our future family I am going to try to do my best... please, please tell it NOT to forget you. I NEED it to remember you, I need it to know how special you are because I will not have any personal connection for this child of you here on earth.... PLEASE, please keep helping us. How terribly we miss you! So greatly we long to be together again, yet I have hit reality and realized that it will be much longer then I want, but I know with each passing day we are closer to you. Thank goodness for that.
Love You Buddy Boy,
Love Your Mommy