It's Coming.... and I can't stop it!

Dear Caleb,

Thanksgiving is coming.
This baby is coming.
Christmas is coming.
Starting a New Year is coming............
And I can't do anything about it!

I feel myself falling, and pulling away again into my own world. But I have been down this path SOOO many times. Becoming selfish and thinking only about myself, and avoiding everyone does not get me anywhere, but more unhappy and our family environment more unpleasant. I can not keep doing that to our family, but it is naturally what I  WANT to do. I want to hide, I want to hibernate, I want to sleep forever until that blessed day of our Savior comes.

The most irritating thing is that we just celebrated these Holidays and here we are again doing it all over! It's like that book 'The Cat Comes Back' these emotionally exhausting holidays KEEP coming back like that darn cat! Too bad I can't just kick it out my door like a cat and seal it shut to take care of the problem. Because your siblings are still here experiencing mortality and these holidays come with that territory unfortunately. And your new sister I suppose she will re-teach me joy and happiness all over again, because I do not feel it during this time of year. I run on a very short, short supply of contentment.

Why is it Caleb that whatever we do NOT want we seem to get? The biggest antidote that I have discovered for myself is that when I do not want others to talk to me, be around me, or help me.... it is in that every moment when I need to push my self to reach out to others. Because that brings a little bit of life in myself. Kind of when we do not feel like praying or even feel worthy of praying to God above, it is in that very moment when we need to pray the most.

So, your little sister is breech, specifically frank breech with her head up and bottom down. I have started breech work outs to try to get her to turn. And one day while I was lying upside down at a diagonal on an ironing board rubbing my belly in a circular motion, while listening to calming music, I thought this is so stupid! How is another child suppose to help me, and Why the heck is she breech?? It was in that very moment that I heard, "Because you need it." I thought WHAT? I need a breech baby, and I need to do these stupid exercises? And it dawned on me that, because I have not had enough time to adjust to this pregnancy, the Lord has blessed us with a breech baby give us time to bond before she comes into mortality. I unfortunately have avoided this pregnancy like a plague, not wanting to accept yet another life changing turn in and for our family. But she is moving now, and I can not ignore the life that is in me, and it may not be what I expected, but the Lord only gives what we need. Whether we want it or not, so as frustrating as that can be to get what we do not want, to continue to taste bitter after bitter..... our day of tasting the sweetest of sweets is coming, as long as we can keep swallowing the bitter and push forward through the grace that comes only through Jesus Christ.

So our family may have been in the line too long for the most challenges while we were in Heaven. But if anything we are not quitters, we are finishers. It will be difficult to face these events coming up, so we will tackle one at a time.... and NO MORE then that, because that is ALL we have strength to do.

Love you Caleb,
Love Your Mommy

My Boys in Costumes

Here you are Caleb all dressed up with your brother Montey for Halloween. Tears flowed again as we prepared for this Holiday that you loved. I got out the Halloween decorations that we purchased back in  2008 and used for your Halloween Party, but haven't used since. Your sisters shared their memories about that party as we looked and set up all the decorations in place around our home.

Your costume was the one that I bought for you back in 2009, it would have been the one you wanted the year of the accident. You are even holding your red power ranger trick or treat candy bucket. And what you would have been this year?? Well, it pains my heart to not know.....

Thank You Caleb for sharing your blue power ranger costume with Montey this year. He wouldn't take
it off for a whole 2 days.

Sweet Little Montey said something that touched my heart and made we want to smile and cry at the same time.

He said," Mom when Kabub coming? After Halloween, after Christmas??"

How I wish I could say, "YES!!!" But I had to answer truthfully and say, "We don't know when, but we do know that he will be coming soon with Christ." I wanted to cry because it hurts my heart to not know when we will see you sweet face again. But it made me smile because your little brother is so mindful of you and desires the same thing the rest of us do... which is to be with you.

Hope you were pleased with us trying to make this Holiday work. Now on to the next medium and BIG Holidays left for this year, I have to admit I am not looking forward to it. I really hate this empty seat business....