Living "IN" Easter

Dear Caleb,

The only way that I can live from day to day is by living "IN" Easter- meaning, making everyday Easter in my heart. Easter isn't just some nice annual holiday that we celebrate from year to year, but it is REAL and of MUCH worth! Easter and Spring General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints always comes at the time when I am needing it the most. Just in time to buoy me up and prepare my heart for the ringer of Spring birthdays and dates that have been hard in the past.

Patience is something that I am not very good at. And with the promises from God about Easter time, it is hard for me to wait and see with my own eyes the fulfillment of these things. The words patience and endure to the end places a sick feeling in my stomach. I know that timing is always in the Lord's hands, but we too have a job to do, and work to accomplish in the mean time. We cannot just sit around waiting and dreaming above, that is counter productive. But oh how much easier that way is, but a way  of not much fulfilment. I know that we are still required to keep moving and caring for the needs of our family here and now. So the real hard work really begins.

Getting out of bed isn't the hardest thing of the day anymore. Figuring out how to survive the roller coaster of emotions isn't a huge hinderment on our family and my marriage life anymore. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever come to stand where I am today... Saying that I have survived living my worst nightmare and I am still standing. Never did I think that it would ever be possible to come out on top, and feel like I could talk without the waterfall of tears being its companion . If you asked me if I ever thought it would be possible to be happy again, I would have answered you straight forward with, "NO WAY, there is no way!"

Only as of February could real smiles finally be seen and laughter to be found coming from me, the once overly depressed, broken hearted, aching, grieving Tanya. Guilt and Anger are the counter-productive components of this new heart that can finally sing the song of Redeeming Love, which tries to break the smile and laughter from time to time. If my heart, my eyes, my focus gets even the slightest bit away from living "IN" Easter, a zing of an panic attack tries to invade and destroy my inner peace.

We have come so far, we have struggled so much, we have felt so deeply, that we know that we are on the right path, and we can not stop now. Moments still come with thoughts that say, "You have done enough, stop, you do not have to finish." But I know those are not the thoughts of God, for we have done a lot, but it is not finish until we meet again. Then, and only then will this great and difficult work that we have been asked to do will be complete.

So until then... We will just keep living "IN" Easter. Love you Caleb.
Love Your Mommy