New Year? No Thanks!

Dear Caleb,

Well it's that time again to start things ALL over again for the 6th time without you. While others get to anticipate bubbly and fun ideas for the new year like: getting fit, loosing weight, trying a new talent, picking up an old talent, learning a new language... I get the same things year after year. It never changes, the dates, the holidays... it's all the SAME, and I am growing very tired of it all and it is making me more and more restless! I have already done this all 5 times, I already know what is coming, what to expect, and the results are always the same... Painful on my body and soul, and it is getting old and I am ready for change- Something to be different... ANYTHING!

I do not like where we live, I do not like our house, I do not like our yard, I do not like that there are no jobs, I do not like that we are having to do another year without you, I do not like that I am so much like the green eggs and ham book. There is just so much in life that I just do not like and very very little that I do. So since my circumstances and surrounds are not changing or going away anytime soon this will be my New Years resolution:

Instead of saying I do not like where we live, I will tell myself, I like living where I am because it is peaceful.

 Instead of saying I do not like our house, I will tell myself, I like our house because it is safe and warm.

 Instead of saying that I do not like our yard, I will tell myself, I like our yard because at least it's another place for us to enjoy being together.

 Instead of telling myself that I do not like that there are no jobs, I will tell myself, at least we have a job where we can take care of ourselves and pay our bills.

Instead of telling myself that I do not like that we have to do a whole new year again without you, I will tell myself, at least we are one year closer to you.

There you have it Caleb my New Years resolutions. I suppose if change isn't going to be coming like I have been waiting, hoping, dreaming for, then I will be the change- for each negative thought I will stop and change it to something realistic and more upbeat.

Love you, Love Always Your Momma

Breath Of Heaven Hold Me Together

Dear Caleb,

I barely made it through the Fall, everything Fall just brings on my falling emotions. I am glad that it is over, for now. Winter brings a bit different feelings then Fall. There are far more distractions during this season of Christmas and it helps with holding off my anxieties for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but it is coming and so are my emotions. I am not ready to do another Christmas without you. But regardless if I am ready or not, it comes just the same. After we open presents we gather around your tree and help you open your presents, and it is always such a tender moment on my heart. Thinking what would you really like? How would you really react. Would you jump in excitement? Or would you run to give hugs and say thank you? Every year I have to buy you something, it just makes me feel more complete, well as possible as one could get at this time.

My mind keeps replaying the song from Amy Grant, 'Breath Of Heaven' over and over again. It always fills my heart and eyes with tears as I tell myself, that if anyone knows what it truly feels like to loose a child, it would be Mary. As she raised Jesus from a babe and watched him grow, truly he had to grab a big piece of her heart. Then as he grew older to watch him come across many challenges, to say that she just had a broken heart would be a huge understatement. I wonder the depression that tried to sneak into her heart. I wonder the thoughts that went through her mind every time she had to gasped for air and would cry out 'God this is your Son, please help him.' For Jesus to be her first born she had to have a very strong emotional attachment that would link her heart to his. But knowing that Jesus was still by her side must have given her hope in spite of the challenges that surfaced in her son's life.

Then when Jesus's life was in peril on the cross, She was still faithfully by his side as he was suffering to his last mortal breath. Watching him lay still without any complaints, her heart had to plummet lower then the dust. Knowing that her deep loving connection could not bring him back or save him from the peril of pain and anguish that he was evidently in. Just as all mothers would, she probably wanted desperately to switch spots with him to let him live a full life. And probably said many tenders prayers, 'God this is your Son, please help him.' For no mother wants to see their child suffer pains of any kind.

Yes, Mary would know my grief and deep heartache at this time. We do not hear much about Mary after the passing of Jesus Christ. Other then many fell into a very deep depression. We are only mortal beings, seeing and feeling in mortal ways, because we are human and that is to be expected. Those 3 days must have felt like an eternity as they suffered with deep heartache and grief, being the evidence of their deep love they shared for Jesus Christ.  I feel that though this time must have been extremely difficult beyond what any words can describe, it had to be an essential part for them to go through, because they had to wait and wait and wait in order to be ready for what was yet to come.

And what was to come? The beautiful spring morning when Jesus Came Back Home being raised from the grave- To give all of our hearts hope, something to look forward to as we try our darndest to pass through the tsunami waves of life shattering dreams and broken hearts, when the pain just hurts more then what we think our little mortal bodies can handle. And until that day when our loved ones come back to us, we are given A Gift, That the Breath of Heaven can Hold us Together.

I wished that my grieving and waiting period was only 3 days as well, but I am not as lucky.
My prayer is that I can hold myself together until we are with you again.
Always Thinking Of You Caleb, Merry Christmas.
Love Your Mommy