My One Last Bitter Cry

Dear Caleb,

I have just finished my second round of Mother's Day without you, and your Dad and siblings tried so hard to make it such a nice day, with hugs and kisses, cards and gifts... but once again it was a bitter and very difficult go around. I was relieved when they didn't have the primary children sing to us mother's at church. Instead they had the Dad's, which sounded so lovely that it took away my tears and made me laugh, which was perfect. However, I did choke up a few times because it wasn't just the Dad's that got up to sing, it was all the primary boys too. I thought I could See you standing next to your Dad, and could hear your sweet voice singing. Your voice is still so familiar to me that I can hear you sing when your favorite songs are played... and this was one of those. They sang the song, "Mother, I Love You."
"Mother I love you, Mother I do.
Father in Heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you, I love to hear you.
Singing so softly that you love me too.
Mother I love you, I love you, I do."
This was one of those sweet songs that you would sing around the house. It always made me smile when I would hear you singing this song as you cleaned your room, took a bath, or played outside. So I wanted to thank you Caleb for letting me hear your voice again as you got up to sing with your Daddy.

Our church building has the exact same floor plan as our church building in Nebraska. So throughout the meeting, when the tears would start to swell, I went to the same place that I did last year on Mother's Day... in the kitchen to be alone to cry. I cried such bitter tears from my broken heart. I thought I could handle going to church this time on Mother's Day but I was wrong, I was still carrying my guilt and disappointment in myself for not being a better mother to protect you, as mother's are suppose to do.

The whole week leading up to Mother's Day, my body started throwing yet another tantrum- which placed me in another huge depression wave! Making my limbs heavy so I could hardly get out of bed, fatigue kicked in and lasted throughout the whole day. I was getting up to 12 and half hours of sleep in a day- with going to bed as early at 6:30pm and sleeping in til 8:30am. I just wanted to sleep all the time- I had no energy to do anything, nor did I feel like doing anything but cry and sleep.

I was reading the words from Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the 12 apostles he said, " It is our actions and our desires that cause us to become something. Desires dictate our priorities, Priorities shape our choices, and Choices determine our actions." The day before Mother's Day I was talking to my sister April, I was telling her that I was tired of being so tired all the time. I knew that I needed to do something for I was caught in a terrible depression. My sister said that I needed to get my blood flow going, and try to get my body moving. I told her working out was the last thing that I would want to do, especially when I had no energy to do it. But she lovingly persisted that, that is what would help pull me through this tsunami depression wave.

Dallin H Oaks from his talk on Desire from this April Conference, continued to say, "The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving and our becoming. This is a power of an overriding desire on priorities and on actions." I knew that if wanted to beat this depression wave- for me, for my marriage, for my family, that I had to move fast. So, I made to choice to get my body moving, forcing to sleep less, staying active during the day with little or no naps, and try to get my body up and moving to workout in our garage gym with Daddy before he goes off to work each morning. I feel like crying every time I sit on my cycling bike and rower, it is so hard on my body, but I know it is what I need to do to keep from giving in.

After a day of bitter tears on Mother's Day, I got on my knees to say my morning prayer, and I received this amazing clear perspective that I was ready to give the Lord the rest of my heart that i have been holding back from being healed-I was ready to Forgive myself. To say that I have truly trusted in him would be wrong. I wasn't completely trusting is his will, I still was wanting to hold back a small piece; wishing, hoping that somehow by chance, we could have everything back the way it was, hoping to get our miracle, which some people seem to get. But by doing this, it has only caused more pain and heartache. I finally felt that I was at a breaking point and tired of carrying this 10% which has been greatly sore on my heart and body.
I said to Heavenly Father, that I felt that I was ready to give the rest of this trial into His loving hands: the weight of guilt that I have been carrying the for so long, the idea of just being so upset with myself for not being a better mom, the frustrations of not doing better in protecting my son, and the feelings that I am not deserving of any love- of which I have been punishing myself since the accident. For me to take on this load of being responsible, was only a loving gesture of a loving earthly mother- but it was not mine to do. It was a gift from Father in Heaven to help us to see things more clearly. The responsibility, honor, and glory goes to the one who is All knowing, and Has no end, and knows what is the best thing for us. Caleb the most amazing thing happened once I was able to finally express and mean it, that I was ready to forgive myself, I was immediately relieved from my severe body aches and pains, and a smile was on my face the whole day. It had finally made sense in my mind that if this truly WAS Heavenly Father's path for us to learn to come unto him, then he MUST have the way for us to come up on top at the end. I am afraid that I have taken this life way too seriously, yes life is important, but we don't live for this life, we live to qualify for the next.

I am feeling better equipped to handling these next difficult months June your birthday and August your angel anniversary. Though this has not been what I expected life to be for our family nor our lot in life, yet, however, it has been exactly what our family has needed to pull together- to sift out the dross of our lives, and to focus on the promised blessings of eternal life and to become an eternal family.

Though our hears are still broken, we take great comfort in knowing that because of Christ All will be made right.
I am still having a very difficult time answering the question, "How are you doing?" If I say, "Fine, or good", I am lying to myself. If I answer honestly, "Terrible, unhappy," people look at me like I am a weirdo. So I do not answer about me, I answer with the "H"ope that we have in Christ. I say, "Because of Christ I am well, How about you?" I feel it is the only right answer to testify of my love for him, and his hand that we have literally seen in our lives- for without him we would be nothing.

Caleb thank you for serving so faithfully on your mission, it is truly a blessing to our family. We hope our actions show you our love by serving with you- by bring much glory and honor to our Father in Heaven, expressing our gratitude for his many tender mercies that he has given to us as a family.

We Love You More Than Words Can Express, Our Buddy Boy!
Love Your Mommy

Tamara remembers how Caleb liked to play line tag with her and Liahona. He even taught Grandpa Brooks how to play Line Tag with them when he came to visit while he was in Chicago for work.
Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to make his own books and would say, "Who wants to check out a book?" And how he would also try to sell his books for .5, .10, and .25 And how he always wanted to make his own library.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb would get upset if we had water to go with our dinners instead of juice. He would say, "Is that water? I don't want water!"
Dad (Eric)remembers how Caleb liked playing church. He would make a talk, get songs to sing, scriptures out to read and sacrament prepared. Then he would gather everyone together and he would conduct give the prayer have everyone sing, give the talk, read from scriptures, pass out the sacrament, and have everyone sing another song.

11 months old

On May 23rd, 2002
You were 11 months old.

You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......

(Soon to be filled in.)