"darkness is past and the true light now shineth"

Dear Caleb,

This Spring Time is moving like a wave of green a little bit more each day. I have forgotten how much I love to hear the birds singing, cooing, and chirping about. Spring is Life, Spring is Growth, Spring is Change- all which signifies exactly where I am right now, and I find solace in that. Especially with the incident that happened on the 15th of this month.

We were eating out at the Olive Garden, trying to spend some nice quality family time, when our little Cumorah started choking. As a child I had developed a HUGE fear of choking, which I carried into my marriage as a newly mother with little children. I would cut up your food into tinee tiny bits, until you where 3 years old, including your other siblings as well. Many people thought I was a little "off" and laugh at what I was doing, but I just preferred to prevent anything from happening when it came to choking.  There is still a rule in the home that no one is allowed to choke.

Fear and Panic sunk in when I saw our sweet little baby in such peril. Your father acted immediately and attempted several times trying to help clear her air flow, as her skin color grew paler and paler. Everything seemed to be in slow motion again, and sounds began to fade. It was in that moment where I had recognized that I had been there before... it was in the ambulance after the car accident on my way to be with you at the hospital, where I was told that it is going to be alright. As I watched your father attempt at what would be the last chance, before Cumorah limped unconscious, I felt very strongly again that it was going to be alright. Whether it would be your Father to rescue her, or you Caleb, I knew that it was going to be alright, and that she would soon be out of pain, and free from her discomfort.

In James 4: 13-15 I read, "Go to now ye that say, Today or Tomorrow we will go into such a city and continue there a year and buy and sell and get gain. Whereas ye know not what shall be on the marrow, For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appeareth for a little, and then vanisheth away, For that ye ought to say, 'If the Lord will, we shall live and do this or that'." In that moment I thought perhaps Cumorah fulfilled what she was told to do- to bring us joy and happiness again in our family. To teach us how to laugh, how to smile, how to just enjoy being together again, and that it is ok to make new memories. I thought perhaps she too was only ours for but a vapor that appeareth for a little and then vanisheth away.

But then your father dislodged the contents to allow a passage for air flow to begin again. As our dinner sat in front of us getting cold, our whole family sat in silence still in shock of what just took place. As I held our baby girl ever so limp, and still struggling to develop a breathing rhythm again with so pale of skin color- I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I could feel her heart beating and feel her warmth against mine. My thoughts and emotions encompassed me as I prayed many prayers of gratitude, and was no longer interested in eating my dinner that lay before me.

Perhaps this was another test to see how I would handle letting go of another child, Perhaps it was a test on a grief stricken mother's heart, Perhaps.... But whatever the reason, we got to go home TOGETHER. Something that we didn't get to do with you, and I count this a HUGE blessing. Going home without your child is a very bitter terrible gut wrenching feeling. But we were spared from reliving the past at this time. And I got to kiss her goodnight instead of goodbye. How horribly difficult our last moments were with you in the hospital, so much ache. But we were spared from reliving the past at this time. We counted this whole evening a joyous one on our hearts. So grateful that Our Loving Heavenly Father was mindful of what we needed in the very moment that we needed it.

"Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you; because the darkness is past and the true light now shineth." 1John 2:8 That darkness from grief and sorrow has past and the light, the love, and peace has replaced it. We know that we can continue in moving forward because of that light which has been evident in our lives and keeps shining.

We Love You Caleb, Thank you for always being on standby. How VERY Much We LOVE You!
Love Your Mommy