Guardians Of Our Heart

Dear Caleb,

 I can tell that it is the 25th, because my emotions are very tender. Easter was such a beautiful time and ever so special, as we were able to set aside a day to remember the very blessings that we desire- which was made possible that very day from our Saviour Jesus Christ. The promised blessings to be granted eternal life, the joy and longing in our heart to be together again. The aching is still one of much sorrow, but the bitterness is lifting, as we align our hearts to the will of our Father. It is not an easy thing to do, and with all actuality it is easier said then done, but the blessings that our promised to those that endure and at least try... we will see that it will all be worth it at the end.

I love the words in Psalms 34:18, "The Lord is nigh unto then that are of a broken heart." When I am bowed down with grief and physical pain that reminds me of unpleasant circumstances, it is through the small tender mercies of the Lord that I am told that I am loved and not forgotten, nor forsaken. And I often stop and ask myself, "Why does he who is so perfect love me, when I am so far from perfection?" It amazes me that this loving God allows us to be the guardians of our own heart. That it is given to us of our own free will to open our heart to his spirit. His love is overflowing for us, however, he will not force his love upon us, nor force us to partake of his goodness.  We literally choose what we let in and what we let out.

I know that God is good, and that he is Faithful, so why do I at times let in anger and fear to run amuck in my heart. I often tell myself, "Tanya you have faith in Jesus Christ, everything is going to work at in the end, just keep it together..... just hold on...."

I recently met with the Bishop in our ward. Such a wonderful man of God he his, filled with the spirit and wisdom of the Lord. We talked much about Faith, and he asked me, "What is the first thing that comes to our minds when we talk about Faith"? I said, "Faith in Jesus Christ". He said, "Yes, Faith in his atonement and all that he came to do, but that is only part of it". I was puzzled at first, but then he continued and said, "The other part is Faith in ourselves." Faith that we will do what a loving Father in Heaven has for us to do, and knows what we can accomplish. I had such an overwhelming feeling that filled my body, where the spirit spoke to my mind and heart and said, "Tanya you need to have faith in yourself!" I can easily say that I have faith in Jesus Christ, but if you ask me if I have faith in myself?? Now, this is much more difficult for me to answer.

Did the Bishop know that I needed to hear those very words? NO. But, God did. God used a very special person that I knew and trusted to help me hear these very words to be reminded of his love for me. How beautiful that moment was to know that God knew specifically of my inner struggles of feeling adequate to the task of continuing my life in mortality. The fears I live each day feeling that i do not measure up to what my family needs or deserves from a wife and mother. The fear of letting them down again constantly haunting my mind and causing me to fear and loose faith in myself over and over again.

Too often have I crowded my heart of my own free will with things of fear and doubt that have kept me from truly feeling more of the love that God tenderly has for me. It is only myself that has kept me from being closer to him, and to you Caleb. I used to think that there was a physical veil that separated us from one another, but as it is said in 2 Corinthians 3: 15, "But even unto this day... the vail is upon their heart." If I can keep my heart aligned with Jesus Christ, PLUS with having faith in myself, I know that there will be nothing to separate us. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come. Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8: 35, 37-39)

I love you Caleb, may our hearts stay strong til we meet again.

Love Your Mommy

April 2010 Memories Part 1

April 1st- Liahona remembers how talented Caleb was to make really cool sounds with his mouth like a machine gun. She remembers how caleb would try to teach Mom, but Mom could never do it. And it would make everyone laugh.
April 1st- Laihona remembers how Caleb always wanted to so camping in the backyard. She remembers sleeping in it once in our backyard. And another time dad was washing it off and there were spiders in it and Caleb was squishing them.
April 1st- One our 1st family campout in the backyard dad got out the small BBQ and we roasted marshmellows on it. Caleb said, "Where;s the playground?" And dad said "the trampoline." And Liahona and Caleb said "Okay" and went to go jump on the trampoline then Mom and Dad came too. We had a nice family jump for 30 mins or so. Then at night Mom told us a story, then we all went to sleep. In the morning mom gave us pop tarts for breakfast. They asked if they could sleep in the tent again? And mom and Dad said No because we needed to take Montey and Dad had to do an evening shift for school. So we all helped Dad take it down.
April 1st- Mom remembers at night after the kids would get tucked into bed, if Caleb or Liahona wanted something they would sent Tamara out to ask because she would get introuble and not them.
April 2nd- Mom remembers how Caleb did not like having anything close to near his night light because he thought that everything would catch on fire.
April 3rd- The girls remember how excited Caleb would get about Easter and the Easter bunny. And how he would want to play easter with the plastic eggs.
April 3rd- Dad remembers how Caleb would not move things around or pick things up when he was trying to find his easter basket. He would just walk about looking around here and there and he would get really upset if he was the last one to find his easter basket like last year 2009.
April 3rd-Mom remembers how Caleb would eat almost al of his candy once he found his easter basket in the morning before breakfast. THen throughout the week he would get his sisters to share their candy with him because his candy would be the 1st to be all gone.
April 3rd- Liahona remembers when in OR Tamara was sitting in timeout Mom would ask her do you want to come off time out and she would say No(meaning yes) And her and Caleb were sitting on the bottom stairs giggling cuz she kept saying No, instead of Yes. THen finally she said Yes that we was ready to come off time out.
Then another time when she was scratching people she went to time out and Mom said do we scratch and she said Yes, then Liahona dn Caleb laughed because she kept saying Yes instead of No. THen she finally said No that we don't scratch and she came off time out.
April 4th- Liahona remembers how she would race with Caleb home to beat Mom and Dad when we would take family walks or from visiting the Cosby's house.
April 4th- Tamara remembers while playing conference bingo how Caleb would help her find the words so she could color them in to get her special bingo treats.
April 4th- Mom remembers how Caleb would make Conference paper chain count down.
April 4th- Mom remembers how much Caleb loved to play conference bingo to earn his treats and would get a little upset if he was the last one to get black out bingo.
April4th- Mom remembers that Caleb's favorite part of the sound of music was at te end when the German soliders were after the Vontrap Family.
April 4th- Mom remembers how Caleb liked having conference doughnuts. He liked the chocolate doughnuts with vanilla pudding inside the best!
April 4th- Mom remembers how excited Caleb would get for conference.
April 5th- Liahona remembers how Caleb would call the quick disney clips 'Brain O' Brain' instead of it's real name 'Brian O' Brian.
April 5th- Mom remembers when Caleb would get mad he would gnash his teeth together and squeeze people.
April 5th- Mom remembers when Caleb would get excited he would jump up and down and somtimes would grind his teeth together.
April 6th- Mom remembers how Caleb would speak high pitch baby talk to Montey. And would say, "Hi Montey, you want to get out?" as he took Montey out of his crib.
April 6th- Dad remembers how good Caleb was with setting up the comupter games, game cube, tv cords in order to get things to turn on and work. He would rarely need adult help.
April 7th- Liahona remembers how Caleb would make fun of how she would turn her game controller in stead of keeping it straight out in front of her.
April 7th- Liahona remembers how Caleb like to skid and slide in his cart on corners whilf playing mario cart, he was really good at it too.
April 7th- Dad remembers how Caleb would always get that extra boost at the beginning of Sonic and Mario Cart gamecube games.
April 7th- Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would play charades with their vitamins. They would look to see what their vitamin guy was doing and would act it out to see it they could guess each others vitamin characters actions. EX: If Liahona's was playing soccer she would say it's a sport and pretend to kick a ball. And Caleb would then guess until he said soccer. Then they would switch.
April 7th- Liahona remembers her and Caleb secret to the battle games, how they would place a banana right at the doorways.
April 8th- Liahona remembers how Caleb taught her to drink through the straw of the cup while you fill it up at the water spout on the fridge.
April 8th- Liahona remembers how frusterated Caleb would get when Mom would tell him the word that he was stuck on at reading time, because he wouldnot want help. He would say ,"MOM" and grunt out irritation.
April 8th- Liahona remembers how Caleb taught her on the rollercoaster game how to make it night and day and how to get fireworks.
April 9th- Mom remembers how Caleb would always beat her on mario cart and come in 1st.
April 9th- Dad remembers how Caleb would get a little hyper and upset when dad would come in first place on mario cart, when he would come in second place right behind dad.
April 9th- Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would come in 1st and 2nd when they would play mario cart together. And how sometimes she would come in 1st and beat caleb. He would say, "Oh I was suppose to come in 1st. Well at least I came in 2nd." and he wouls say after Liahona came in 1st, "I want to play a battle not."
April 9th- Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would collect small flat pieces of bark an would paint them, And use them for their cars to surf on.
April 9th- Liahona remembers sleeping at a hotel as a family and that Caleb fell off the bed. Mom woke up to the noise and said Caleb are you Ok, but he did not answer. So mom just picked him up and put him back in bed. Then asked him in the morning if he was ok from falling off the bed last night. And he said he didnot remember Abd that he was just fine.
April 9th- Dad remembers playing in the backyard with Caleb playing catch. But Caleb only wanted to play a game of one on one baseball. And after Dad said No for 10 mintues while playing catch back n' forth, dad finally gave in and played a one on one baseball game. And Caleb said "YEA!"
April 10- Liahona remember how her and Caleb would get out a chair and put cups of water on it to sell.
April 10- Liahona remembers that when her or Caleb would go toot toots they would say, "Now I have  lots of energy." And they would run down the hallway.