Dear Caleb,
I can tell that it is the 25th, because my emotions are very tender. Easter was such a beautiful time and ever so special, as we were able to set aside a day to remember the very blessings that we desire- which was made possible that very day from our Saviour Jesus Christ. The promised blessings to be granted eternal life, the joy and longing in our heart to be together again. The aching is still one of much sorrow, but the bitterness is lifting, as we align our hearts to the will of our Father. It is not an easy thing to do, and with all actuality it is easier said then done, but the blessings that our promised to those that endure and at least try... we will see that it will all be worth it at the end.
I love the words in Psalms 34:18, "The Lord is nigh unto then that are of a broken heart." When I am bowed down with grief and physical pain that reminds me of unpleasant circumstances, it is through the small tender mercies of the Lord that I am told that I am loved and not forgotten, nor forsaken. And I often stop and ask myself, "Why does he who is so perfect love me, when I am so far from perfection?" It amazes me that this loving God allows us to be the guardians of our own heart. That it is given to us of our own free will to open our heart to his spirit. His love is overflowing for us, however, he will not force his love upon us, nor force us to partake of his goodness. We literally choose what we let in and what we let out.
I know that God is good, and that he is Faithful, so why do I at times let in anger and fear to run amuck in my heart. I often tell myself, "Tanya you have faith in Jesus Christ, everything is going to work at in the end, just keep it together..... just hold on...."
I recently met with the Bishop in our ward. Such a wonderful man of God he his, filled with the spirit and wisdom of the Lord. We talked much about Faith, and he asked me, "What is the first thing that comes to our minds when we talk about Faith"? I said, "Faith in Jesus Christ". He said, "Yes, Faith in his atonement and all that he came to do, but that is only part of it". I was puzzled at first, but then he continued and said, "The other part is Faith in ourselves." Faith that we will do what a loving Father in Heaven has for us to do, and knows what we can accomplish. I had such an overwhelming feeling that filled my body, where the spirit spoke to my mind and heart and said, "Tanya you need to have faith in yourself!" I can easily say that I have faith in Jesus Christ, but if you ask me if I have faith in myself?? Now, this is much more difficult for me to answer.
Did the Bishop know that I needed to hear those very words? NO. But, God did. God used a very special person that I knew and trusted to help me hear these very words to be reminded of his love for me. How beautiful that moment was to know that God knew specifically of my inner struggles of feeling adequate to the task of continuing my life in mortality. The fears I live each day feeling that i do not measure up to what my family needs or deserves from a wife and mother. The fear of letting them down again constantly haunting my mind and causing me to fear and loose faith in myself over and over again.
Too often have I crowded my heart of my own free will with things of fear and doubt that have kept me from truly feeling more of the love that God tenderly has for me. It is only myself that has kept me from being closer to him, and to you Caleb. I used to think that there was a physical veil that separated us from one another, but as it is said in 2 Corinthians 3: 15, "But even unto this day... the vail is upon their heart." If I can keep my heart aligned with Jesus Christ, PLUS with having faith in myself, I know that there will be nothing to separate us. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come. Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8: 35, 37-39)
I love you Caleb, may our hearts stay strong til we meet again.
Love Your Mommy
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