Dear Caleb,
The Car Accident on the 24th , and The Very Early Wee hours of the 25th when they declared of your passing, creates 2 VERY DIFFICULT days for us to always reflect upon every single year. But it is all that we have of you. These measly little 8 years that we got to spend time together... is not enough in my mind and it hurts. I suppose I am very selfish mother because Oh how I wanted MORE... More right NOW, not later. I am not a very patient person and this trial is driving and pushing me to my limits. But the funny thing is, that when I get there to my breaking point, I seem to be granted an extra dose of patience through the grace of Jesus Christ- when I go to him in tears from a broken heart of a Mother. My pleas and prayers saying "... I can not carry this or move another step it hurts, please help me..." And literally beyond my own limitations and abilities I am given an extra boost which carries me until I can start moving again on my own. And when people continue to see that I am still trudging along, they often ask, "Is it getting easier?" or "Is it getting better?" The answer is No! How can it suddenly be all better with carrying a broken heart and having such a deep void in your life that you can never fill! It is not that it is getting better or getting easier. The answer is I am getting more functional. I have been faced with my worse nightmare and I am surprisingly able to keep moving forward. Why is this you say? It is literally ONLY through the grace of Jesus Christ that one CAN keep moving. Not that I want to, because I do not want to. I do not what this path, I do not want this road, I do not want to have to carry such a heavy broken heart.... but I will. I trust that God knows what he is doing. I trust that he knows our family well enough to give us such a heavy burden to carry. It is not that every is ok right now because it is not. I do not have to be ok with that we are living our nightmare, but I know that because of Christ, we WILL be ok, and that everything will turn out alright.
I am often reminded of my analogy that came to me in explaining this very thing. A car with a flat tire can still move and function. It is just at a more cautious and much slower pace then before. One must take stops often and be fully aware of the car as a whole, being patient and only going and moving within its limitations. Is the burden of the flat tire suddenly GONE? Never! It is physically there. This is what it is like. We carry on because our backs through time have been shaped and formed to carry on. Is the heartache of the accident and the damage suddenly GONE? Never! You are still not with us and it is a burden that we will have to carry. Though it is not better, or easier, it is functional. We are aware that we have to move at a slower pace, being patient taking stops to breathe to carry on. We need to be fully aware of ourselves as a whole to not push harder or faster then what the limitations bring. We are a family standing together amidst the challenges that we have been called to carry, and we testify that it is functional ONLY through Jesus Christ, who brings us strength beyond our own abilities- because it is not that we are born strong, we have to learn to become such and choose to hang on even against all odds.
This weekend will be tough, I will not lie. I STRONGLY dislike this time of year, but we have faced this battle before and we will do it again. I am sorry that we have to be separated at this time, but I know that we will be with each other again soon.
Love You Eternally, Love Your Mommy
