~~We LOVE The Gospel Of Jesus Christ~~

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Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas in Nebraska

(Remember to pause the music off on the left side bar before you push play on this video.)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Looking forward to the JOY (newly revised)

Dear Caleb,
So here we are again another Christmas without you physically with us. It has been a month of emotions for me. So full, that I have yet to figure out what to do with them. Last month, shortly after Thanksgiving we went to the Christmas play 'The Forgotten Carols ' written by Michael McLean. I remember going to this play when I was about 11 years old, the music has always been some of my favorite Christmas songs. But this time while listening I heard something new. Something that touched my heart ever so powerfully and spoke to me as though I heard you talk to me. It was in the song about Joseph the Carpenter, and how he might have felt being imperfect raising the Son of God, who was perfect. In this song Joseph was contemplated how he did with raising the Son of God, hoping that he did OK. And then the song says that Joseph heard the Lord say, "You have done just fine." Caleb I have battled over this more than anything, hoping that I did even the slightest bit of good raising you. And I heard you tell me those same words, "You have done just fine."

As I was looking for a Christmas movie I came across this one notebook. I started to thumb through it and I came to a page with your testimony on it- something that we never got to hear you bear in person. As I read it I could hear you share these words with us:
"I know that Jesus has died for me. He loves children I know I sow the movie. I love Jesus becaese he creatid me. He loves us to! Some times you want to watch church movies on sunday. You better love your family. Missrnares come to your house. On Sunday you go to church. Some times you have mettings. " (written exactly how Caleb wrote it)

I am very much like that Joseph the Carpenter song, I am flawed and so imperfect. I am glad that the Lord has blessed you and helped you come home, inspite of my imperfections with you being my 1st born. I was so unprepared and felt so inadequate to raise such a perfect child as yourself, Thank you for being so patient with me. You have taught us oh so very much.

My thoughts have turned a lot to Mary during this Christmas month. If anyone would know the heartache of loosing a firstborn son, it would be Mary. For her to be content with what she was allotted, is an amazing example for me. I am still trying to be content, but it is so very difficult for my heart to accept all that IS. But I know as imperfect and flawed that I am, I can be like Mary, and be content with the Lord's help. Of which I am so grateful for this Christmas season to grant me this strength.

Caleb something happened to me this Christmas season. I have been given a more broad perspective to see life with. In the past I have been so upset knowing that I had to keep living without you, feeling ever so guilty that you left alone on my watch. When I should have left too, but only I was giving extended time on this life. Though pieces of those feelings will always be burried deep down inside me, i have felt a new sense of life now. I have come to realize that I am on borrowed time! And I haven't done well with it so far, and I am determined to use it more wisely. I cannot have joy and happiness like I use too, it was to trivial. My joy and happiness comes from and goes much deeper than ever before. To be with your 3 siblings here is a pure, inexpressible joy in my heart- to know that we are receiving your help daily is healing to my aching heart. We have felt your presence and heard your voice often. What a blessed gift these moments have been to us. Your Daddy is such an amazing man, to have his extended patience for me, is beyond what I could have ever hoped for. He has been a big help with helping me to appreciate life again- instead of staying in the past with being full of bitterness and anger. My broke heart will always be there, but I have so much Joy within knowing that when Christ comes he will bring healing in his wings, and all will be made right. Christ came once, and I am grateful to know that he will come again, and oh how that time is coming soon as the Scriptures say. We rejoice with much rejoicing this Christmas. And we look forward to that wonderful JOY that is coming!!

Merry Christmas Caleb. We love you.
Love, Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers making a book path with Caleb. They could only walk where there were books. And sometimes they would stop along the path and read a book. Then they would set it back down and continue walking on the path.

Liahona remembers when listening to the "Move IT" song from Madagascar her, Caleb and Tamara thought the part that says, "I like to Party, party" was "I like to potty, potty."

Mom remembers how Caleb liked climbing on the outside of the stair railing and would be scared when he was up high at first, but soon got brave to do it over and over again with little fear.

Dad remembers how Caleb loved exploring the campgrounds that we camped at.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

6 months old

On December 23 of 2001, you were 6 months old. We were still living in Cheney Washington, dad was doing his prerequisites to get into Nursing school. He was working at a Nursing home, and got his nursing assistant certificate, which was just the beginning of getting his feet wet as he got closer to become an RN.

Things you were doing at this age was:
(still trying to find the book, will fill in soon.)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Caleb Mathison Memorial Scholarship

Dear Family and Friends,
We are full of appreciation for all your love and support that you have given to us this past year. It has been a long and difficult road- a road that was not made to be passed through like other trials, but one that we get to live with for the rest of our lives. This trial has been very tearing on our hearts, making it difficult to heal.
Eric's dear classmates from BryanLGH started a Scholarship Memorial Fund in honor of Caleb. Our wish is to help get this scholarship endowed, to help keep Caleb forever in the memory and hearts of all who knew and loved him. Once we get his scholarship endowed we will be able to award and bless the life of 1 person each year from the BraynLGH School of Health Sciences. In helping us get this scholarship endowed, it will bring more healing to the hearts of the Mathison Family; in achieving a permanent memorial for our son, Caleb, to always be there in Nebraska- the place we have grown to love. As you help us get this scholarship endowed, it is ALL of us who will be giving and blessing the lives of many in the long run.
We do not want this to be a financial burden to anyone, especially at this Holiday Season. We just ask that if you could, please send $5, $25, $50, $100, whatever to help us in our Holiday Wish. Through the help of Eric's classmates, co-workers and many other great people, we have reached 1/3 of our goal. We could greatly use your help as we work together in accomplishing to endow this scholarship to reach 100%.

It is to be sent directly to this address:
BryanLGH Foundation
1600 South 48th Street
Lincoln, NE 68506

Make checks out to the BryanLGH Foundation,
and include a note stating that the donation is directed toward The Caleb Mathison Memorial Scholarship.

We can not begin to express what our tender hearts feel for all of you.
All we can say is "Thank You" from the bottom of our hearts, and may you feel the tender mercies of love back.
Love, The Mathison Family

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Full of Thanks

Dear Caleb,
Today is November 24Th, and tomorrow is Thanksgiving. We are on our second round of Holidays without you physically here with us. Each one is such a low blow for me, it is just a "nice" reminder of what we currently don't have right now; A complete family. Our family of 6; with our 2 boys and and 2 girls together. It makes it hard to be thankfully for the now, but it makes me VERY thankful for the THEN. We are super excited and anxious for the THEN; so much more, that we seem to have very little patience for the now.

"I take pleasure in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."( 2Corinthians 12:10) We have felt the weakness of the body; for without Christ we surely have no strength, no joy, and no hope. Elder Dallin H Oaks said that, "The healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ is available for every affliction in mortality." Caleb, we have felt this healing power, and as you know we are not a family that lies. It is a real power, a real strength that can come to us if we just have faith. Elder Oaks said, "Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to him who loves us best. Sometimes a 'healing' cures our illness, or lifts our burdens. But sometimes we are 'healed' by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us." Caleb, I never thought that by being given strength would be considered a healing power until now. It is a different healing than what I was hoping for to be honest. I wished that I had enough faith to bring you back, even just for a second to tell you how much my heart feels for you, and to whisper how sorry I am for the way that we parted. If I were as ready as you were, I would be with you, but I apparently am not, seeing that I am still here. Because of that, I know that I have much to work on. Hoping to do better each day to be worthy to come home and be with you someday. In 2 Corinthians 12:7, Paul came to the Lord 3 times asking to be healed from a "thorn in the flesh" that greatly bothered him. The Lord did not remove it, but gave him strength to live with it. Helping him to always remember that in our weak moments if we look to the Lord they will become our strengthens because of his grace and love for us.

Elder Oaks says, "At times we may despair that our burdens are too great, when it seems that a tempest is raging in our lives, we may feel abandoned and cry out like the disciple in the storm, 'Master carest thou not that we perish?' At such times we should remember his reply: 'Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith' ?" Caleb, it is irritating how much I let my mind dwell on doubt, when I know better. Every fiber of my being tells me that I know how much we are known and loved by the Lord. It is only then when I have stepped away with doubt, that makes me feel abandoned from his loving arms. And when I can't take the feeling of feeling so utterly alone I drop to my knees in tears pleading for strength, and it is in that moment when I turn to him, that I feel his supporting arms still stretched out for me.

Elder Neal A Maxwell said, "Some have trials to pass through while still others have allotments that are to live with. Paul lived with his 'thorn in the flesh'. Varied as our allotments may be, we can still keep the commandments of God." I have come to understand, that we will either shrink away from the Lord, or we will swell with joy in the Lord; as we continue to push forward with the allotments that we have been entrusted to us to grow. Keeping the commandments is not just merely something that we do, it has a stronger purpose; for it is something that we DESIRE to do. We need the strength from the Lord, and it is a small sacrifice to show the Lord that we are deserving of it. Caleb, I often wonder how Mary lived with the 'thorn in her flesh' with knowing everything that she did about Jesus. In Luke 2:19 It says that she "Kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." Elder Neal A Maxwell said that Pondering often precedes contentment. Her thorn was great but she was able to find peace with it and be content. Caleb, my goal during these Holiday seasons it to be more like Mary, with being content. Finding and Keeping that contentment through Christ, as I strive to do my part in keeping the commandments, and choose to finish this work that we have been called to do.

We love you greatly Caleb, our buddy boy. Happy Thanksgiving. Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers how much Caleb loved gum.

Liahona remembers playing battleship with Caleb downstairs during a bad thunderstorm/ tornado warning in 2008. She also remembers how her and Caleb went to go wake up Tamara to bring her downstairs as mom watched the news. She remembers how Caleb woke up Tamara by lightly pinching her arms up and down.... which always worked.

Mom (Tanya) remembers when Caleb was little how he liked to watch Elmo's World with Mr. Noodle.

Dad (Eric) remembers how much Caleb loved to eat grapefruit.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

5 Months Old

When it was November 23rd of 2001 you were 5months old. It was starting to get really cold in Cheney Washington. I remember one sunday it was snowing and we went to chruch at our 11am time, and there was another ward there. We couldn't figure it out for a long time, as we sat waiting for someone from our ward, when we over heard someone talking about Daylight Savings time ended the night before. And your father and I looked at eachother and realized that we were an hour early for church, so we went home.

Things you were starting to do at this time were:
(still trying to find book, will fill in soon.)

Monday, November 22, 2010

Pies for You

Hi Caleb, Tamara and I made theses pies out of playdough for you. They each say "To Caleb." We love you, Love Liahona



I, made this too, it says "We love Nebraska."

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Another Post....

Dear Caleb,
Here we are, another month has gone by. What can you say to that? I look forward to posting and writing to you of how we have succeed as a family in surviving yet another month without you physically here with us. But after posting all my feelings and thoughts, I dread knowing that we get to start a new one. Some days I think, how long is this going to go on, my mortal emotions just can't take this kind of beating. Though the flesh is incredibly weak, I gain much strength knowing that my spirit has been the one to carry me along. I am dragging and struggling with my mortal weakness, from lack of strength. I can not help but look to the Savior for help, and for much needed strength that he gives to my spirit; for surely I could not continue without it.
It is Autumn Time, I miss having you ask if we could find a park with lots of leaves to rake up and jump in. I miss seeing your face light up when we would play in the leaves as a family, and having Daddy throw you in the big, high, neatly raked up leaves. Halloween is coming up this week, and my heart is sad that I will not be able to do your face paint. I have been asking myself what would you have wanted to be for Halloween this year? And the sad thing is that I can't answer that question. I don't know what you would be nor of what you would be into. I have found myself asking other little 8-9 year old boys to see what they are planning on being, and watching to see what they are into; helping me to feel connected to you still in someway.
Our Hearts are broken, but they still just barely work. Thanks to our Savior who has promised us that all will be made right. We know that our dream of becoming an eternal family will come true someday, we look forward to that more than anything else in the world. Nothing is more important to us, than to be together again. Our hearts take courage in that and make us rejoice for that day; this is what allows our hearts to still work for us.
If it weren't for knowing that we can receive personal revelation I would have given up by now. But we have, and because we have, we know that the Lord is very mindful of our little family. Personal meaning Individual, and Revelation meaning Wisdom to make known. The Lord has blessed with with Individual Wisdom to make known of what we are to do, and of where we need to go from here.
President Packer of the 12 Apostles made this very profound comment that has greatly helped me keep a better prospective, that has kept me from being drawn into the bitterness with it’s magnet.
He said, “Do not expect to be free entirely from trouble and disappointment and pain and discouragement, for these are the things that we were sent to earth to endure.” This includes those who are righteous and living good lives, we are not excluded from gaining wisdom and knowledge. I have learned that it is an honor to be taught by the Lord. He knows what we need to grow and to learn, to become better and wiser people. This Caleb, is why we are still here without you, you have flown through what you needed to learn, and yet we are lagging behind you. We hope to make you proud and be able to be to found worthy to come home and be with you; to be a complete family again. We are going to make the best of this experience. We are finishers, we will finish what has been given to us to learn and to teach us. We will not loose our focus nor of the foot steps that we need to follow you in.
Oh how we love you. Oh how we long to have this awkward void be filled again, life is not the same, nor will it ever be without you. But we have much to look forward too, in being with you soon. We Love You! XOXOXO
Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers how Caleb would always tuck his legs into his pajama shirts.

Liahona remembers when Caleb's last tooth came out he said in a very calm voice, "Hmmm my tooth came out." As he showed it in his hand calmly to Mom.

Mom (Tanya) remembers after Caleb and Liahona watching an episode of Curious George they did the science project shown, by making your own water popsicles. They would get a cup of water and put a spoon inside for a stick. Then once the water water was frozen they would eat their popsicles throughout the day, or when they just needed a nice ice drink.

Dad (Eric) remembers when playing soccer or football in the house 1 goal would be the glass from the fireplace and the other would be the back wall at the end of the hallway.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

4 Months Old

On October 23rd of 2001, You were 4 months old. And morning sickness was my name, being 3 1/2 months pregnant with your Irish Twin Honi. I lived for nap times, and took naps with you almost as often as you took them. But you were still very colic and cried much throughout the day and night. Often thinking what were we doing wrong, but we did not know that you were a colicy baby, so we just made due with what we could. Being poor college students we did not have insurance as we couldn't take you in all the time. Had we have known that we could of had help, maybe we would have but we didn't know, and we all did the best we could.
Things that you started to do at this age was:

Friday, September 24, 2010

Fall Has Come Again Without You

Dear Caleb,
Fall used to be my favorite season, but now it just seems to feel bitter to me; leaving a sadness taste in my mouth. It's hard to focus on the now when I want the then again. It's also hard to focus on the now, when I want the then of the future to come, too. Sometimes I feel like being suck in the now is a hard thing to do, to endure, to survive yet another day; just to get up and do it all over again. Sometimes it is more difficult then I could have ever imagined it to be, then other days seem to shine a glimmer of hope- calling out to me, "You can do it, you are going to make it." It is a very difficult thing to shake off the natural mind to not think of all the "what if's" and the "if only's." Why do I do that to myself, and put myself in that ringer again and again, I do not know. Maybe to still keep the pain fresh, as to helping me feel close to you, or maybe because I am still wanting to be in denial and not feel the full weight of guilt from everything... But honestly it really doesn't matter the reckoning and reasoning because I will never know the answers that i have been seeking, until later. And believe me, I intend to find out all those what if's and if only answers when I get there.
There was a lady who spoke in sacrament meeting the other Sunday that said something that has made the biggest difference to my mind and my heart. It has been my sole motivation and personal focus to get my sluggish body moving everyday, helping me to see that this everyday "now" IS truly important. She quoted a general authority, but did not mention who it was, which said, "Get Up, Load Your Handcart, and Go to Zion." As she said these words my heart felt as though i had been struck by lighting, I could not move, nor hear anything but those words over and over again as she sat down. The "Get Up" part has been the most difficult part of my whole day, "Why" I would ask myself while lying in bed each morning, "Why do I want to get up to do another day? What's the point?" Until I heard this simple 9 word sentence I could not answer anything else but, I had too, it was my duty as a Wife and Mother. But now I think of the Mormon pioneers; they literally had to Get Up each time they would stumble and fall, after taking time to bury their loved ones along the way... they had to Get Up each time or else they too would not make it to their journey's end to Zion. I cannot just Get Up like I use too. In order for me to Get Up now it requires much faith and trust in the Lord, as the Pioneers had to have with each step that they took. Trusting that as long as I am moving and showing that I can move forward with faith, that I too will be able to reach my journey's end, to be with you again Caleb. Every morning they had to reload, reorganize, and put all their belong back into their handcarts; to prepare for another long journey. I may not have a physical handcart to prepare, pack up, and organize for a long trek, but I have my own physical and spiritual handcarts; my body and mind. These are the things that I need to take care of, that I may do better in preparing myself for each new day; the long trek that I have been given to walk that day. And the purpose for the Pioneers to prepare their handcarts was to Go to Zion. A place where they could rest from their cares and worries, and place to rest their weary, aching bodies. Which just so happens to be my purpose as well, to establish a home, a place of Zion; where we can rest from our worries and cares as a family, knowing and trusting in the Lord that all will be made right, that we will see and be with you again Caleb. In St John 16:22 brings my heart much strength to know that this is indeed true, "And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again,and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you."
We greatly look forward to that day, so until then we will, "Get UP, Load Our Handcarts and Go To Zion."
Love You Buddy Boy, Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb would wash walls by taking a baby wipe or clorox wipe and hold it out on the wall and run up and down/ back and forth, down that halls to get them clean and do his PE at the same time.

Liahona remembers playing fish for treats with Caleb. One would sit on top of the refrigerator and would tie a treat to a long string and lower it down to the other person, then they would switch. (She confessed that they would do this during quiet time, while mom helped Montey go down for his naps.)

Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb was like a monkey and would climb up on the counters to get snacks, lunch, breakfast for him and his sisters.

Dad (Eric) remembers how much Caleb loved to be a helper and wash the cars with him.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

3 Months old On: September 23, 2001

Dear Caleb, You turned 3months old this day of this month, in the year 2001.
* You were full of life.
*With being tongued tied from birth but not getting it clipped until 1month old, you finally started to learn to eat better, until.....
*Mother realized the month before that she was expecting again and milk supply stopped. You were put on Soy Milk Formula.
You downed the first several bottles given, you loved that stuff. Mainly because it flowed faster than your mom and you were in heaven... and started gaining that Husker Weight.=)
*You loved going on walks in the stroller.
*And that summer we spent lots of our time out doors.
*We would push you to the library, to the store, to the park, and just around the Eastern Washington Campus, there in Cheney Washington.
* WE spent much of our time visiting with good friends that lived on the 1st floor, the Drees' and with the Porters across the parking lot.
*You loved having dad throw you high up in the air and catching you. This would make my heart skip many beats being so overcome with fear and wanting to protect you, my precious little baby boy from anything that would remotely hurt you. I had to look away most of the time and just pray that your father would always catch you, and of course he always did. =)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Your Angel Day

Hi Caleb,
Here are the pictures from Your Angel Day. From our order of 25 butterflies and releasing them. With each butterfly that was released by your siblings, cousins, aunts, uncle, and grandparents they said something nice to you; "I miss you," "I love you," "We wish you were here,".....






We are now trying to build your dream of a bug farm, from the 4 butterflies that we kept and are now laying eggs. We hope to start our own butterfly farm and send them your way often. We love you. =) Love Your Mommy

Monday, August 30, 2010

Aug 23 2001 (2months old)

On The 23rd of Aug of 2001 you were 2months old. WE lived in Cheney Washington. Your father was attending Eastern Washington University, doing his prerequisites in Nursing. We lived in the Anna Maria Apartments on the second floor and we were waiving goodbye to Dad one morning from the balcony on a cold fall day. And the unthinkable happened, the sliding door locked on us. I was so scared and didn't know what to do, it was early in the morning and no one was outside, being so cold. I started to yell and cry out for help, which seemed like forever, actually was only 15mins before someone came by. Thankfully the front door was unlocked from Dad going to school that they were able to let themselves in and rescue us freezing people. I was so embarrassed and yet so overjoyed by the help that I was just so pleased that the Lord sent us someone to help us get back inside that my embarrassment quickly went away. I remember Thanking this guy over and over again.

What you were like at this age:
*You Caleb were very colic at this age.
*You only wanted to be held, or carried in your snugglie. And if we couldn't do that you had to be in your swing. Staying in motion and movement was something that would only make you happy and content. We had no crib for you so you slept on a gym mat with a sheet over it right next to our bed, which was also your baby changing table too. (What can we say, we were super poor college students. But it worked because the apartment was very small too. With it only being a 1 bedroom apartment made it awfully squishy but it worked for us.)
*You loved dancing with mom and dad to classical music. A special baby cd that we got from the hospital that you were born at.
*Realized that were prego with your Irish Twin, Liahona and couldn't produce enough enough for three, so my body stopped producing milk for you. It took us about a week and a half for us to realize that you were extra crabby because you were hungry...=( Daddy and I have always joked about that was the cause of you always being a little smaller. =)

Friday, August 27, 2010

A Trophy For You



Hi Caleb,
Here is your Trophy that you have earned. We thought about what we needed to do, to remind us of all your hard work that you are doing on the other side of the veil. And we decided to award you with this trophy, which will be displayed in your bedroom. It says, "Caleb Luccas Mathison Team Angels 2010. And your siblings have a dog tag necklace with the same image and same inscription "Team Angels." It will be that constant reminder for us, thought we are on different sides of the veil, we are still part of the same team. Together we are "Team Angels." We are so proud of you Caleb! We hope to make you proud of us, to show you how much we love you, and how much we are willing to fight to earn the great reward to be an eternal family soon.- Love Your Mom

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Year 1 (Mom)

Dear Caleb,
I am sitting here this night of the 24th, being unable to sleep. My head is swirling with events from last Aug 24th that we spent with you. My body is heavy again as lead. Most likely I will have a hard time getting out of bed tomorrow morning. We tackled our first Make A Difference Day as a family. Then ended our day with watching a few of our family videos with songs, followed by a family prayer. The weight of this temporary separation is very heavy on all our hearts, we were all in tears as we watched our memories with you from the past; even Montey noticed everyone was crying and started to mope and pretend to cry. Your presence is missed ever so greatly. In recent days I have been thinking that I just can't do yet another day, especially once the month of Aug came; I have not been able to shut off my emotions. They have been running non-stop. My eyes hurt from crying, my heart hurts from aching, and my body is suffering as a whole in trying to keep it together and stay afloat. Yesterday I did the impossible, I thought, and wrote down everything that my brain was able to retain from our family outing to the accident on the 24th to the 25th of last year. It was incredibly hard to allow my mind and body to relive those events. And even a year later, those motions are still so very strong. After two long hours and 4 1/2 pages long I completed it. I vowed that I was never going to write those memories down because why in the world would I want to remember those un-fun moments? The strength that the Lord rendered to me was amazing; there was no way that I could have bore that pain again without the Lords help. Then helping me to type while I managed to down pour on the computer with my eyes, it was simply a miracle all in itself. But it is done, it has been written, and completed. And the funniest thing of all, I feel like it is okay for me to talk about the accident. That I don't have to stay all silent like it never happened, hoping that magically it would all go away....because the thing is, is that it did happen. I think that I have finally gotten a grip on reality, an un-fun one, but thankfully just temporary. I have realized that I have been afraid to be happy, or show in any way that I could have fun without you here with us, because I didn't want to think that I could do that without you. I did not want you to feel hurt or sad thinking that we had forgotten about you because we would happy or smiling or laughing. You complete our family, and I know that you will never be forgotten with us, that you will always have your place in being the oldest sibling, the big, protective brother. I was reading with your father in the Book of Mormon, in Mormon 9:14 it says," And then cometh the judgment of the Holy one upon them; and then cometh the time that he that is filthy shall be filthy still; and he that is righteous shall be righteous still; and he that is happy shall be happy still; and he that is unhappy shall be unhappy still." I then realized that if I wanted to be happy when we are reunited at the great millennial day then, I must be happy now. If I do not allow myself to find even a little piece of that happiness now and hold on to it, I may not even be happy then. But my goal is to be happy then, so I know now what I must do now. While I live here upon this earth, I know that I must live worthily to be able to receive that added light and happiness and pure joy hereafter. I can not allow the un-pleasant "what if's" pull me and my mind away from trying to find that piece of happiness now. Elder Steven E Snow gave a talk in conference about Getting on with our lives. He said, " Most of us do not seek our welcome dramatic change. But change is an essential part of life's experiences." Then he posts a question that states, "What about the changes which thrust upon us unexpectedly, of changes that we have no control over? How do we deal with such unexpected setbacks in life's journey?" He gave a very profound answer that I have been holding on too ever so tightly. He said, " First, You need to follow the prophets. Second, You need to keep an eternal perspective. Third, Have Faith. And Fourth, Be of Good Cheer." Caleb, I have done these all but the fourth one, I know what I need to work on, to help us to enjoy the true peace and happiness later that will soon come. Our Prophet Thomas S. Monson has said, "Even when you have felt the truth of the atonement and the kindness of the Lord to deliver you in your trials, it may still test your courage and strength to endure." It is a hard road that we are on, but we will not fail you Caleb. Our love for you is great! Love Your Mommy

Year 1 (Dad)

Dear Caleb,
This last year without you has been very difficult. It has been difficult because there are so many things about you that I miss. I miss those early 5:30am mornings when you would surprise me by waking early as I was getting ready to leave for work or school. I miss how the two of us would eat breakfast together on those early mornings while you would tell me all the exciting things you planned on doing that day. I miss the games of baseball and soccer in the backyard. I miss seeing your excitement and smile when I would arrive home each day. That amazing smile of yours could quickly erase the stresses and worries of any day. Caleb it is amazing how one person can influence the life of another in so many ways. This year has been difficult because there are so many questions that do not have answers. Many of the “why?” And “what if?” questions have surfaced time and time again bringing with them feelings of doubt and despair. Elder Russell M. Nelson once said “my advice to each of us is not to torture ourselves with ‘what if’ questions. They bring neither clarity nor comfort.” I know this statement is true but it is a very difficult thing to do. We are faced with these questions each and every day. I do not know why your life on this earth was so short. I do not know why your life had to end the way that it did. I do not know how long it will be until I can see your amazing smile once more, or until I can play games of catch or soccer with you once again. Or until I can tell you once again how much I love you. But this I do know, I will see you again. You are my son and your early departure and death cannot destroy that. We are an eternal family and so I will look forward to that glorious day when we will be reunited and once again be a complete family. Until that day comes I will do all I can to live in a way to be found worthy to arrive in the place where you are.
Caleb, this last year has changed my perspective and priorities. So many things that I thought were important just don’t seem to matter so much any more. I am amazed at how many lives you have touched in your short eight years on this earth. I am also amazed at how many people have touched our lives during this last year. We have received so much goodness and kindness from other people. There are truly some amazing people in this world. You have taught me how important it is to tell others how much you care for them because the opportunity may never arise again. Thank you Caleb for teaching me these things. Thank you for being such an obedient son. Thank you for the fun times we shared. I truly enjoyed our time together and anxiously wait for that time to come again. I love you.
Love, Your Dad.

Memories:
Tamara remembers how much Caleb loved gum; all gum, any gum.

Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to try new weird things; like dipping his carrots into ketchup.

Mom remembers how Caleb started the pop mix drink of half root beer and half sprite to drink at on our pizza dinner Friday night family parties.

Dad remembers how much Caleb had always loved the wind, even as a baby. He would stick out his arms and wave them around as though he was flying.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Make A Difference Day

To All Our Family And Friends,

We are requesting your help in our 1st Annual Make a Difference Day on Aug 24-25. Our Goal to is to get as many people as we can to help make this Tragic, unfun day; into a purpose and reason to be happy. By making a difference with us, as we make memories with Caleb on his Angel Date. With him serving and working hard on the other side of the veil, this is our chance to help in his great efforts to build and strengthen Zion here. We would love for you to share your accomplishments on how you were able to "Make a Difference," on here on Caleb's blog. Please email us your address and we will like to send you a little something from our family for Caleb to say, "Thank You." Or you can leave it with your post. In case you are thinking I would love to do something but I don't know what to do? Here are some ideas for you, to help do something to make this world a better place:

Give someone the benefit of the doubt,
Smile when you get cut off in traffic instead of cursing,
Let someone go in front of you in the line,
Pay for someones meal behind you in line,
Hold the door open for someone,
Send off special letters or packages anonymously to someone who needs a special cheer,
Visit a nursing home and sing them some songs,
Donate money or time to a special charity cause,
Sign up for a charity marathon or just go to help out,
Make a personal goal to work on something to be a better person,
Call up an old friend to see how they are doing,
Write that letter to that long lost friend or family member that you have been meaning to do for sometime now,
Call a children's hospital and see how you can help as a volunteer,
Slow down your pace in life and try to recognize those who you can help..... and reach out and help us "Make A Difference."

What we hope to accomplish as a family: To buy many BIG bags of lollipops and attach a piece of paper to each that say, "The Mathison Family and Friends Annual Make A Difference Day 2010." And knock on all of our neighbors doors to share love and kindness to others. Starting out with something simple but just as profound, since the kids are still little. Wanting to help them know that they too can help and serve and make a difference with Caleb too. And as they get older we hope to make it more elaborate and give more of our time.

Thank you for taking on this challenge with our family, it will give us much strength to bear such a difficult day knowing that we have many friends and family standing with us to help us Make A Difference with Caleb.
Much Love to you all, The Mathison Family

Sunday, July 25, 2010

1 Month old On: July 23, 2001

Here you are on July 23rd, when you were a whole one month old. You were so tiny and cuddly.


*We loved watching and holding you. We couldn't believe that we were actually parents; a baby of our very own to love and care for.
*You loved to be motion, whether it was being rocked, or swinging in your swing.
*You noticed your hands. And often attempted to try and reach for objects.
*You have the hardest time latching on because you were tongue tied, and we had to the doctors to get it clipped for you to eat better.

Catching up from June 23rd, 2001 when you were born:



*You first smiled at a day old, showing off your amazingly, cute smile.
*You got to come home with us being 1 day old. Wearing this cute light blue turtle outfit from baby gap.
*You could kick vigorously and tried to turn over at 1 week old.
*At one week old you raised your head for a whole minute. Right then we knew that you were a super amazing baby boy.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

11 Months of a broken heart.....

Dear Caleb,
Where does the time go. It does not feel like 11months, if feels like our temporary parting was just yesterday, as the ache and hurt is still strong. And yet at the same time, it feels as though it has been forever already without seeing your sweet smile in person. We miss you more than any words can describe. It is frustrating being separated from those that you love, even if we do know that it is just temporary. Liahona was baptized last month. On the same day that you were last year. I cannot believe that it was only just last year that we were helping you to follow the ways of our Savior, into the waters of baptism. Now our two Irish twins have both been baptized. For a long time I have been very nervous to allow Liahona to be baptized. Thinking that once she too got baptized, that she would be leaving us here and join you. I have been preparing my heart for anything, as we all are anxious to be with you again. I know that whatever happens, that you are there to greet her or us, and that we will be alright. WE still have each other, and I am grateful for that. I have been thinking much about, how it would be all the more difficult, if we were not able to do our part, and make righteous choices which would enable us to be together for all eternity. Just those thoughts alone make me cringe; to even think about being separated for all eternity. The pain is intense enough now, I do not want to experience a pain exceeding what we already are carrying. I desire for our family to be complete again, to put away all this pain and ache, to be filled with pure and firm everlasting joy. This is why I know we must all do what we can to be like our savior and to follow his example. I am glad that Liahona made this decision to be like her savior and to be baptized. She is doing her part and helping our family in staying spiritually strong.
Caleb I have to admit that I am conflicted on understanding how to be happy and have joy here on this earth without you with us. I have pondered and prayed about the scripture in the Book of Mormon found in 2 Nephi 2:25, which says, "Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy." I thought that I knew what this "joy" meant. Now I am not sure if I really understood it completely. I used to think that this "joy" would be going to some place extravagant, or doing something so exciting and new. Though this may bring some people "joy," to me it is not the lasting "joy" that I am looking for. I do not want these kinds of "joys." I want the eternal "joy" that can not be obtained yet, here on this life. I want the millennial peace of rest, the sweet reunion of our family, and all our sorrow to be wiped away with this eternal "joy." Caleb I challenged myself to read the bible when you were born, and on the 23rd of this month I finished it. It took me 9 long years to read it but I finished it, I have you to thank for urging me forward. As I was reading from the great words of Micah in chapter 4 verse 9 and 10, I heard these words speak to me. Telling me how I can maintain a happiness here on earth, in spite of our temporary separation. These were the words that I heard, "Now, Tanya why do you cry out loud? Is there no King in your heart? Is Jesus Christ our counsellor perished? Pains have taken you, like a woman in childbirth. Be in pain if it is to help you labor to build Zion and bring forth good, O daughter of Zion. Just like a woman in childbirth brings forth much good and delivers a child. Make the Pain worth the Reward." As my motherhood nightmare continues, with ache beyond description, I am glad to be reminded by the Prophet Micah that my Lord and King Jesus Christ is indeed in my heart. And he can and will help our family to be reunited again, as long as we prove ourselves worthy of such a great blessing. My heart proclaims the same words that are found in Romans 1:16, "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ." And from Isaiah 12:2, "I will trust and not be afraid: for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song, he also is become my salvation." Caleb I am not afraid to stand as different from the world, I welcome it. I am not ashamed to be called a peculiar person, that is a compliment. Our Prophet, Thomas S. Monson told us, " We must learn to finish our assignments as the Lord did his. We must ask ourselves shall we falter or shall we finish? On the answer await the blessings of joy and happiness here in mortality and eternal life in the world to come. The marks of a true finisher, will be as a lamp to our feet in the journey through life. Ever beckoning us onward and lifting us upward is he who pleaded...come follow me." My brain tells me, give up, you can't survive this, you are too weak. But by heart, tells me push on, push on and use this pain to push us closer to our eternal "joy" that we long for as a family. We will not fail you, as a family we are strong, no matter which side of the veil we are on. We are one and we will make our dream become our reality someday, and shake of this temporary separation, and become an eternal family because Us Mathison's, we are Finishers!
We love you our buddy boy. Don't give up on us, we still desperately need you, Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers that Caleb said that he never wanted to have a pet tarantula.
Liahona remembers setting up a water station with Caleb and trying to sell water to mom and dad and Tamara for 10cents a cup.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb liked to drag his walking stick on the ground to make snake trails when hiking.
Dad (Eric) remembers how quick Caleb was to obey even when he didn't want to do what he was told to do .

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Pictures for Caleb

hi caleb these are pictures that i made for you on the computer.love liahona


Friday, June 25, 2010

10months in counting.....

Dear Caleb,
Well, the Frog House of which you called our home in Nebraska has sold. It sold in less than 5 days being on the market. I felt as though we were forced to move out, and that our home was no longer ours. It was very hard putting away all your toys, and clothes in boxes. I could not throw a single thing away; I had to keep all your drawings, writings, wrappers, and rocks…. I couldn't get myself to part with anything of yours, even your baby items that Montey is not using anymore. It was the hardest part of our move. As I was packing and cleaning I couldn’t help but think of the modern day Pioneers as they had to move from place to place by force from the mobs that would come and attack them just because of their belief in their God. Though no mobs were attacking us and forcing us to move, this was still a very unwanted, very hard move for us. As I was sweeping my kitchen floor for the last time I kept thinking about the words from Bathsheba Smith, “My last act in that precious spot was to tidy the rooms, sweep up the floor, and set the broom in its accustomed place behind the door. Then with emotions in my heart...I gently closed the door and faced unknown future; faced it with faith in God and with no less assurance of the ultimate establishment of the Gospel in the West and of its true enduring principles, than I had felt in those trying scenes in Missouri." Though our trying times have been there in Nebraska, our hearts have been made stronger, our focus more sure, and our hearts more true. Your sisters and I said our goodbyes to very thing: to the bedrooms, to the walls, to the yard, and the frog pond. We all started to cry, I kept saying, “It’s okay to cry, because we are going to miss our Nebraska home.” I pulled them in and hugged them as we looked out at the frog pond one last time. I could not stall and throw any temper tantrums anymore, because this is actually real. Our hearts are broken all over again, and it feels that we have lost you again. Liahona said to me, “Mom I feel closer to Caleb in Nebraska.” I leaned over and said to her, “I know, me too.” Caleb those beautiful memories we have with you in Nebraska are engraved so deep on our hearts, we are grateful for our June roses in these Decembers of our lives, this is what keeps us strong, and keeps us moving forward to be with you again someday. A day of which we hope is soon.
Driving in the Van away from Lincoln Nebraska was completely difficult. Looking at the capitol building that we loved to go visit and play hide’n’seek at would soon be no more. I kept getting the feeling that what I came to accomplish was never fulfilled. What did I do and learn these past 3 years here in Lincoln. Your father came with a goal and accomplished his, but what about me? I was feeling so uneasy about not knowing any good that came from me living there for 3 years. Then it came to me. We accomplished the amazing with our homeschool studies as a family, it truly pulled us together, and made our bonds strong. A blessing that I will forever be grateful unto the Lord for guiding us in this way. …a way that I plan to continue, for the accomplishment of the success and benefit for our family. For the families that pray together stays together, and that is our goal as a family. Though I may have done this one thing correct, there was still some uneasiness about what I did not accomplish. Before we left Nebraska we drove out to your corner to say our Nebraska goodbyes, and to weed and care for your spot one last time. Emotions were very HIGH, it was very hard on our hearts to be leaving apart of our memories of you behind. I am frustrated that I failed at caring for you when you trusted me most of all. This is what I failed to accomplish here in Nebraska, not being able to help and stop this unwanted situation. My mind is still feeling the effects of everything; I cannot remember anything from the accident. And my short-term memory is shot; I can’t remember much throughout the day. It is irritating to have an 80-year-old memory in a 29-year-old body, but it is what it is. Though I physically failed at being that protective mother to keep you out of harms way, this is something that will forever be heavy on my heart, until it will be my turn to join you. Thankfully, together we did succeed as a family to obtain the spiritual focus on our journey here on earth. We taught you who you are; a child of God, why we are here; to be more like our Savior, and where we go hereafter; back with our loving Father in Heaven. So we succeeded Spiritually here in Nebraska teaching you things of much importance in a world that can be difficult to follow and obey what we know to be right and true. Thank you Caleb for helping our family to be stronger, and keeping us on the path that we know to be true with all our hearts. How grateful we are to know that the gospel of Jesus Christ makes it possible for families to be together, not just in this life but for all eternity. Knowing these things as a child did not make this challenge easier for our family. We had to make the choice and choose for ourselves to either believe what we were taught or nor. Thankfully the promise of the Holy Ghost to always be with us and guide us is real, the promptings of the still small voice can teach us all things, even to know what direction we need to take when we are confused and blinded with very heavy emotions; as what we were. But as a family we have accomplished the impossible it feels like. Starting there in Nebraska, taking us to Washington……we will not fail you anymore Caleb. We do not dare to fail you anymore; we love you and hope to be with you again someday, so we know we too must do our part.
Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers how Caleb liked playing with his legos.

Liahona remembers how Caleb loved playing with his lego computer games.

Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb loved to help out with his baby brother.

Dad (Eric) remembers how excellent Caleb's memory was with directions. He always knew where we were going.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Birthday Wishes

Dear Caleb,
Today marks your 9th birthday. Ending the 2 weeks that both you and Liahona were both 8 years old together. You will always have your place as the big brother no matter how old your siblings continue to be. We are so grateful for such a great and wonderful example that you set for them to follow.
As I woke up this morning I was thinking of the glorious day of your birth. You came at 2:00am in the morning to join our family, at the Madision Memorial Hospital in Rexburg Idaho. When both dad and I were still in school at Rick’s College, which was the last year that that school would be known as that name, and was changing to BYU-Idaho.
The 22nd of June 2001 was your actual due date, I started contractions at 2:00am that morning with just minor cramping. We didn’t think much of it, thinking that it would just be false labor, so we just continued with our day. In the late afternoon they started to get stronger. I had a visiting teaching appointment scheduled with a dear friend, Crystal, and as we visited with her I was timing the contractions. They were now 5 mins apart. When we were done with our fun visit, I went home and told your father. He thought that if it were false labor they would stop if we changed our physical movement. And since I was just sitting at my visiting teaching visit; he wanted us to go for a walk. It was a very nice day, pretty warm, so we went for a pleasant walk. I remember taking pictures with your Dad on our walk and he took some of us as I stretched after the walk. Once we got back it seemed to have worked the contractions stopped. But it didn’t last too long, only about 20 minutes before they came back, but twice a stronger. We timed them and they were about 3 mins apart at that time. We started to get a little anxious, not really knowing what to do so your father called your Grandmother Mathison. She told us that we should call our doctor and head to the hospital. So we called the doctor, and Dr. Crouch told us that same thing, “Get to the Hospital.” It didn’t seem like a huge problem to us, so we were taking our time getting our stuff together as I paced around the apartment. It felt weird to be going to the hospital, not knowing what to expect. It was scary yet very exciting at the same time. Knowing that soon we would be parents with a little baby of our own to take care of and to love. We got to the hospital at 6pm and the main entrance was closed so we had to find and enter into the Emergency Entrance.
As we checked in I was pacing a lot more. The policy there at the hospital was that I had to be wheeled up to the maternity level, I did not like that. Sitting down hurt much more then standing. And the person was going so slow, that it was making me a little unhappy. I just wanted to get up to my room and get some medicines to take the edge of the pain away. We had the most wonderful Nurse; of which I am sad to say cannot remember her name. We were only dilated to a 2 when we arrived and they wanted me to be at least dilated to a 4 before they would give me any pain meds. She was very nice and got us all situated, and out of my way as I continued to pace the room’s floor, practically running over her and your father. Your father learned quickly that all of our Lamaze classes were just a waste of time, and a joke because it did not work for us. I was just expecting some nubane IV drug, when the anesthesiologist came into the room to give me an epidural. My contracts were a min on top of each other at that point and I just wanted anything, however, thankfully I was close to being at a 4 so they prepared to administer the epidural just so I would calm down. Eric had to do all the read of what could happen and his eyes widened very wide. Asking me if I was sure that I wanted to do this? I remember saying, “Anything that will make this pain stop I am all for it.” So he signed all the papers and listened to and answered all the questions that I was asked because I would NOT answer them, nor acknowledge that they were even there in the room, because I was focused on one thing and one thing only…. The Pain.
Once the epidermal was in I remember apologizing to everyone. I felt bad that I couldn’t seem to be myself with all the physical pain that came on so fast, but once the meds were in it was all good. I remember trying to take a nap, but waking up shortly to your father watching hockey, the Stanly Cup. We were progressing well until midnight hit. When we were finally at a 10, my contracts slowed down tremendously to every 15mins. So the doctors were going to use the vacuum with you to help get you out, but I refused. Two hours pushing with contractions every 15mins, you finally came 24 hours later, 2:00am today, 9 years ago.
Happy Birthday Caleb. I would do this all over again just to bring you back here to be with us again. Because not having you here is MUCH more difficult and Much more hard. We love you and miss you more than our words can describe. We tried to do things that you would have wanted to do, to show you our love….. but it obviously wasn’t the same without you here.
Happy 9th Birthday!! Love your Mommy, Daddy, Sisters, and Baby Brother

Monday, May 24, 2010

9months... it's been a Very Hard Labor!

Dear Caleb,
Nine months........ I remember getting so anxious for you to arrive and join our family. I remember playing on a co-ed soccer team with your dad while being very pregnant with you thinking that it would help me go into labor, so we could get you here sooner, but of course it didn't work... You came exactly on your due date.

Montey just turned 2, Tamara just turned 6, this next month is going to be even harder... You and Liahona, My Irish Twins, will both be 8. Liahona had to make a very hard decision just recently, she had to decide to either be baptized here where you were, or to wait to have friends and family join us when we move. And though the choice was hard, she was slightly disappointed that she had to choose between the two. Yet from all of this, it has caused her to be more wise and mature for her age than most 7 years are suppose to be. She decided that she would wait, so that family and friends could come and be with her at this very special and important time in her life, plus she said it would be easier for you to come too.

The first of May Dad accepted a job offer in Washington to start work in July. We have been looking and searching since Dec of last year. Funny how the Lord tests our faith in him to the very last minute before we receive an open door. So we have an opening of a whole month and a half to figure out where we were going to move too, pack, clean, move, and have dad take his BIG Certification Exam. Just one of these alone could cause one to be full of stress. And we have 5 BIG things right on top of each other, but it is no big deal to us. We actually won't start packing until June 1st. Which will only give us 2 weeks to pack everything up. The moment we moved here, I would have told you that I was going to start packing January of 2010, four months before Dad even graduated. Now, we can't bear the thought of moving and leaving all of our fond memories with you. It hurts. The pain is too deep to even describe. It is our last temper tantrum that we will get to throw by delaying everything because we will have to face the inevitable soon... Oh Too Soon!

It amazing how one trial as ours can cause such deep pains, that cause such huge ripples, that cause such a HUGE change in oneself, and in our family. The struggles and pains will most likely always be there, but to know that life from here on out will only be but a cake walk for us Mathison's. Packing, Cleaning, Finding a place across the country, Moving, starting a new job in a new place.......... seriously NOT a big deal. Does not even compare to what we have already been through as a family.

Though I am not a direct descendant of the amazing Mormon Pioneers, I gain much strength from these strong individuals as they accomplished the impossible. They traveled by wagons and handcarts walking about 1400 miles from the Midwest into the West. They faced so many hardships of sickness, fatigue, persecution, and having to face loosing many of their loved ones. Having to bury them and leave them behind... and so much more. "I KNOW THAT WE ARE IN GOOD COMPANY." I am proud to carry the name Mormon in their behalf, carrying their legacy and banner of "H"ope and eternal perspective that will not die with me, nor my children. WE KNOW WHO WE ARE. WE KNOW WHY WE ARE HERE. AND WE KNOW WHERE WE GET TO GO HERE AFTER. And how blessed we are to know such things. So what one pioneer did was not just for their family, but for us all, to build and gather to Zion. A place of one heart and one mind. Now it is our turn, as the gathering is still in full effect, it is everyone Else's' job to STRENGTHEN it! Keep the banner waving, letting everyone know where they truly can find peace and "H"ope which will not ever come from here, but from our Loving Father in Heaven. I know these things to be truth...Oh how grateful I am.

Caleb we will see you soon. We pray for that day to come quickly. Keep up the great work you are doing. We can't thank you enough. Love you Buddy boy. Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to bite on his straws from the drinks that he would get at restaurants.

Liahona remembers how Caleb said, "All of our friends and cousins have vans. I want a van because they can go faster."

Mom(Tanya) remembers how observant Caleb always was. One time while driving in the van as a family he said, "Mom, all the girls are on one side and all the boys are on the other side."

Dad(Eric) remembers how Caleb liked to use a hiking stick to walk with on our family hikes. And how he also liked to use it to whack things that were in his way.

Friday, April 30, 2010

"8" and still aching...


(Computer crashed, unable to post on the 24th.)

Dear Caleb,

Dad just got back from a long school conference, then before that he was in the NW looking for a job. Dad graduates, this next week, 10 long years. It actually breaks my heart to see that we will be moving into a new chapter of life without creating new memories with you. It makes us all the more thankful for our June roses, in these the December of our lives. I do not want to move away from this home, this city, this area that have so many memories of you. But as the Work of the Lord moves on, so will we.
But we do not move on being naive by not understanding, nor in despair, which is the opposite of Hope. WE move on not with lowercase "h" hope, which is only just an approximation of wishes of positive optimism of the future. WE move on WITH the uppercase "H" Hope, which is the Ultimate Hope! It is the assurance that ALL things WILL turn out well, through Jesus Christ. Our "H"ope is strong. Our "H"ope is an anchor to our soul. In our dark difficult nights, such blessed "H"ope helps us to hold on, and not give into despair, when it has been oh so hard to hold on too anything. We do not dare set ourselves against "H"ope to despair. Which is to deny the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, it is to say that Christ... cannot save you Caleb; That Christ cannot heal my broken heart; That Christ cannot bless our family; That the future is closed to any possibilities to receive help in bringing our family back together; That things will never get better; That the dawn will never come.
We KNOW that all of these are FALSE thoughts! There IS "H"ope, there is "H"ope because of Jesus Christ. However the darkness of the night may be or seem, the DAWN WILL ALWAYS COME! We have felt strength from beyond our own capacity of our mortal beings. There is someone who cares for us, hurts for us, and is there to helps us. If only, we can just look beyond what our mortal eyes can see.

Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a song called "Spring Is Coming."
We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the ground
The sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brown
Now the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stone
And silently seed rise beneath ice and snow

And my heart's heavy now
But I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells me

Spring is coming, Spring is coming
And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear
Spring is coming, Spring is coming
It won't be long now, it's just about here

Caleb, because our of Ultimate "H"ope we will not let you down. We KNOW that we will see and be with you again, a time that is coming soon! We have no other earthly goals nor mortal desires that is stronger than for us to be together again. This is what we are working for, this is what we "H"ope for, which can only be fulfilled through our Savior. Our hearts rejoice to know that our dreams CAN become a reality through our most loving and merciful Lord. What would be the point of heaven if we couldn't be with our families forever? I am grateful to know of the truthfulness of these things, for my heart receives much strength to move forward towards you because of it's push. We love you, Buddy Boy. We ARE doing our part to be together again soon. Love you so very much, Love Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb liked to be silly.
Liahona remembers when Caleb was cold as he got out from the pool at the Y, he would chatter his teeth together really fast.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb liked having Mom drive through the BIG puddles after a rain storm.
Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb loved the color red, and how he liked red heads too. =)

Friday, March 26, 2010

7 Long Ones

Dear Caleb,
There are many dates coming upon us this Spring of which will be very hard to get through. We are not looking forward to have them come without you "physically" here with us, to celebrate together. Montey will be 2 next month. Remember how grouchy he was for his 1st birthday? And how he didn't even want cake and ice cream because he just wanted a nap? Remember how you helped him blow out his candles with your sisters and dad? Montey is still not sleeping through the night. I often wonder at night if it would still wake you up, and cause you to loose sleep... though you never were bothered by it. You were such a happy loving brother that you would often bet me to help Montey at night if I didn't get in there fast enough. I often wonder if I would still have to pick you up at night and put you in the girl's room on the floor so you could get a descent night's rest every once in awhile. I know Montey misses his Brother, and sleeping buddy.
And the Girls,............ they still long for their fun energized silly brother to play with again. There isn't a day that has gone by without a memory being added to your memory journals. It's always, "Remember when Caleb did this"...., and "Remember how Caleb did that".....
And for your dad,............. I know he aches like crazy inside. Yesterday Liahona earned all her school stickers on her chart and it was her turn to go out with dad. They went bowling, something that you loved to do. She sat in the car with him, and I know that he must have reflected on the time that the two of you would go out golfing together. I know he misses you terribly!
And as for me, your mother,...........It literally kills me with internal pain inside. I may look fine on the outside but if you really sat down to talk to me, the wall would just break down with how much this just hurts to have your presence gone from us. I try so hard not to be bitter, angry, and jealous of others; I have had a lot of repenting to do from my lack of strength. If you would have asked me if I thought I would have gotten this trial, I would have told you... "Oh that happens to other people, not me." And yet here I am, in the worst nightmare that I never thought I would be given, nor ready. But who is ever READY for such a trial. I have come to realize that because many do not have this hard trial to face with loosing a personal loved one with learning about the gift of eternal life; that the Lord created animals for us to love. To take into our homes, join us as part of our families, and then see them go. Helping us understand in a small measure of the pain of loss, and to think and ponder about what it would be to lose a loved one. Hopefully teaching and preparing us to always be willing to do what the Lord asks of us, because really HE "IS" the one who knows EVERYTHING. And I am so glad he does Caleb, SO GLAD! Because of my insignificant knowledge and understand of this, I have no choice but to further put my trust on my Savior Jesus Christ.
Easter time is coming and because it hits so close to home it's just another one of those hard dates coming up. I am so grateful for my Savior coming down and fulfilling the Work of Our Father in Heaven, to help us all to be able to come back and live with him again. What if he didn't do all that for us? Say for a minute that there was no Savior? That Jesus's death and crucifixion were not part of the plan for us on this earth. That would make our lives that we live here on earth, all lived in vain, all the knowledge that we obtained, the skills, the talents acquired, all our family ties.... all for nothing, for we would not live again, so once we die that's it our bodies would remain in our earthy graves forever. But this I know, as you know too, that both Death and Resurrection "ARE" part of the plan, the plan to bring true happiness. And because Jesus did come and did die for us, we can be eternally blessed through his infinite atonement, for there is no life lived in vain who have HOPE in Christ.
I am so grateful to know that life is Short and Temporary. For the whole purpose of life is for us to acquire all the knowledge, skills, talents needed to because more like our Savior Jesus Christ, to live with our families and loved ones again. Thank goodness there is a purpose, that there is a way, that we are given this chance to prove ourselves worthy to come home. We are doing our best Caleb, we will NOT fail you, we will be an eternal family someday, hopefully sooner for all our sakes. Love you Our Buddy Boy! =)Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers: How Caleb liked to eat hot cereals for breakfast like: malt'o meal, and oatmeal. He liked the oatmeal packets the best, because they were used on our special family camping trips.

Liahona remembers: How Caleb loved the Primary song called, "I want to be a Missionary Now."

Mom (Tanya) remembers: How Caleb would move his finger up and down really fast over his lips. And would make a really high pitched sound for as long as he could hold his breath, making his face turn Red....(which his mother didn't like.)

Dad (Eric) remembers: How Caleb loved March Madness, and voting for which team would win.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

For Our Caleb- 6th Month

Dear Caleb,

This video was made by your Daddy. It's a great piece of work in which honors you, our sweet Caleb, of whom we will always be grateful for your love and great example. From this video we can feel of your wonderful spirit, and all the great things you accomplished in your life. We are very so proud of you. You fought a good fight, and finished your life with flying colors. A parent cannot be anymore proud, then we are!! We love you Caleb! And we are ever so grateful that the time is coming near for us to be with you again, very soon.
Love Your Mommy and Daddy

Memories:

Tamara remembers: How Caleb liked to play 'Lord of the Rings' with Dad on his Game Cube.

Liahona remembers: Ridding and sitting in the back of the van, and Caleb was between her and Tamara. Once Tamara fell asleep and her head hung down in front of her, and Liahona asked Caleb to help push her head back up to one side of the head rest, and he did. Then her head hung back down over and over again, and Caleb would help the sleeping Tamara out again and again.

Mom remembers: That Caleb has the most beautiful ice blue color eyes she has ever seen.

Dad remembers: During the spring, how Caleb liked to have pinecone fights. And during the winter, how Caleb loved to have snowball fights. Competition was a big fun game for Caleb.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

5th Month


Dear Caleb Boy,
We have been making a family memory journal about you since the day after the accident. I was wanting to get 365 memories before the New Year so I could make 'A Memory a Day' calendar for us to enjoy throughout this whole next year ahead of us, taking you with us into our new journeys. We have 484 entries written down in your honor, and it keeps growing everyday. How grateful we are to know that these memories are ours forever, and no one can ever take them away from us. As we re-read them, we can't help but laugh and giggle as we remember with you, the great and funny things that you did, that brought us all so much joy. The pain is still very painful at times, but we don't allow ourselves to go there, or else we could get too deep over our heads, which would just make things harder with the healing and pressing onward. Of which in the scriptures we are reminded of that very thing when the Prophet Joseph Smith spoke to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 1842 in Nauvoo Illinois, "Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad. Let the earth break forth into singing. Let the dead speak forth anthems of eternal praise to the King Immanuel, who hath ordained, before the world was, that which would enable us to redeem them out of their prison; for the prisoners shall go free." We have so much trust and love in the Savior that we know that what he promises will indeed come to pass, and is indeed true. Perhaps people may say, "But to put your trust completely in the hands of God, is weak. For we are strong and we can carry our own weight. For is it a silly thing to fully put your trust in something, or someone you can't see? " To them we can say, that it surely does NOT make one weak. After the accident my body hurt incredibly after the wreck. And on top of it, my body felt to be as heavy as lead, and I literally could NOT get out of bed on my own. Our bodies are weak, as to our flesh. But yet I still had duties and responsibilities as a mother to my 3 other children and as a wife, and just as being me. For all the strength of my own was NOT enough, I am humble enough to admit that. Lying there in my bed powerless, but knowing that I could not stay there, I knew that I had to do something. I have only heard that the power of prayer was a very strong source of strength, however I am also humble to admit that I didn't fully understand what that meant. UNTIL now! I started to pray harder than I have ever prayed before, pleading for help to move, the strength to be able to handle the demands of being a mom, a wife, and just me. Somehow in small forms, little by little each day I managed to survive yet another day, with just enough energy to climb into bed to just start yet another day..... The aches and pains were terribly strong, and from moving throughout the day they seemed to make the pains stronger once I laid down on my bed. But throughout the day as I kept moving, they didn't seems to hold me back, in doing my duties, and fulfilling my responsibilities. Then it hit me one day, the strength that came was indeed NOT my own, for I could not do all my duties that needed to be done each day, I just wanted to lay in my bed and sleep forever... on my own it was physically impossible. So what have I learned from all of this? That all that extra strength that came to my aide at the time I needed it was completely from the Lord, through my pleading prayers, little by little my he allowed me that ease and help to bear my earthly burden. This challenge is defiantly the hardest that I have ever had to endure. The constant physical reminders of each day from the loss of your sweet presence, pulls at our very heartstrings. Though now the pain is strong, our JOY WILL be even GREATER then.
The other Saturday, I finished our journey that we had started Caleb. I drove out to the crash site and found the scout store there in Walton. It wasn't too far, and yes we were heading in the right direction, and because we did not make it to our destination, I wanted to finish it for us. It was one of the hardest days I have had since the wreck. As I walked into the scout store I had so many negative emotions that flooded my mind, as I tearfully gathered the pocket knife and scout shirt that we were planning on getting for you, and placed everything on the counter to purchase all my tears came pouring out, leaving the poor lady speechless. I attempted through my sobs to explain our journey that was never finished, and that I was here finishing our journey. And then she handed me my items and said have a nice day. I balled all the way out to the car, in the car, and all the way home. Then after a long 5months our Neon was finally released from those that were investigating the wreck. I have been thinking long and hard about whether or not to go see the car in person once it was released, and I realized that I did NOT need that for my personal healing, and how this would actually make it worse for me instead of helping me heal. Eric and a wonderful family friend John, went to gather our belongs from the car. There are 2 big bags full of items that were from inside the Neon, including your shoes and mine. Dad said finding your shoes was one of the emotionally hardest parts to have had to deal with there. We were unable to get back any of your personal belongs from the wreck. And I really wanted your red soccer shirt back and your favorite army shoes that you were wearing. Now we have your favorite lucky shoes back, of which I am so glad to have. We are hoping to get special new soccer shirts in your honor from the company that made them for Capital Soccer Association league that you played on.
You know Caleb, all and all we are doing Okay, you can't blame us for not doing any better, and most likely that's all we will ever be for the rest of our mortal lives. In which we are ever so grateful for the promised blessing of being an eternal family. That you will always have your place in our little family, the Oldest big brother. Even though we miss you more each day, we are grateful to know that we are ONE DAY closer to you as each passes by. We love you! Love Your Mommy

Our Family Memories:

We remember for Montey that Caleb would not only wrestle with him, but would often encourage it.

Tamara remembers how Caleb would go crazy happy when onions were being served with dinner. And how he would pick them out of his salad and eat them plain.

Liahona remembers how Caleb taught her how to drink from the refrigerator waterspout without using a cup. And how they both enjoyed getting a drink of water this way.

Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb taught her how to play Pokémon and do the math to keep track to see who would win.

Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb likes to play darts. And how he would often get competitive and disappointed when he threw a bad shot, but then he would get very excited and proud of himself when he threw a good shot, especially when it was better than dad.