Dear Caleb,
Here goes my re-post from last month.
Here we are, in year 2012. Who would have thought? We are coming up onto our 3rd year of holidays without you. Christmas was very difficult, but it wasn't until after the holidays and waiting up for the new year that developed the biggest knot in my throat. I kept thinking why would I want to wish anyone a happy new year. It certainly wouldn't be a happy one for us. I thought of past new years when I had all sorts of excitement for the year: things I had planned, goals I had made. Yet, for us, I already knew what lay ahead... more emotionally difficult days. I kept thinking this is just going to be another groundhogs year... where we are starting everything all over again. How could one be happy with that, and why would one want to celebrate it's arrival???
Depression threatened again at my doors and almost prevailed. But thank goodness for the tender mercies of God, I was given the strength to fight off yet another nasty depression. There is nothing more despairing then feeling engulfed by the one who is miserable and wants us all to be miserable like him.
So what helped me this time you ask? It was literally the hand of God scooping me up and carrying me back to higher grounds. I started working out again, not for new years resolutions as in the past, those were pure self fish reasons. Working out for me is different now, it's a time where all is quiet around me, and it allows my mind to be opened; to listen to thoughts and ideas that come to my mind from the spirit. I was told something amazing that pushed my mind from being in despairing to immediately feeling to rejoice and to look forward to the new year ahead. Being excited in a way that I have never before been. And it suddenly made me realize why I was never successful with my new years resolutions in the past. When my goals were for pure self fish reasons, the motivation would not stay long to obtain the goal. Thinking inwardly does not get anyone anywhere. It is only when we think of others, outside of ourselves, which transpire our resolutions to goals being fulfilled.
The majority of my strength for these 2 1/2 years have been: remembering , reading, and learning more about the legacy of the Mormon Pioneers. It has blessed me, and strengthened me is so many ways. Situations yes were different, but the lessons taught by grief, pain, heart ache are the exact same. So the thoughts came to me telling me, "It's time for you to stop being self fish and thinking inwardly. It is time to think of others, not only of past pioneers but also of the Modern Pioneers today. For it is through serving others that you will find real and lasting joy this year as you fulfill your goals." So what makes one a pioneer? When someone says that word we immediately think of people ridding in wagons, pulling hand carts, and walking by foot to settle foreign places. Though we may not be doing those things, were are being guided in a similar way. We are people who are ridding the new waves of time. People being pulled into the unknown. People who are walking in difficult circumstances. We truly are Modern Day Pioneers.
I think of my Friend, Jamie Gibson Hartley who has bravely carried the challenging trial of Epidermolysis Bullosa (EB), a rare, genetic skin condition distinguished by blisters, open wounds, scarring, chronic pain, and cancer. And what has she given to God? Her heart. She sings like an angel. She learned to paint, and all proceedings of her music and art work have gone to the research for EB. Such an Angel of God!
I think of my close Nebraska friends, Trent and Holly Rasmussen. Trent with such faith and strength, has undergone 23 chemotherapy rounds in battling Sarcoma Cancer. His wife Holly is the perfect example of selflessness, being by his side in every moment as needed. So Inspiring!
I think of a special family, as I recall when they lost job after job, and yet they did not loose trust in God. But instantly turned to him for help. And when told where to go get a job, they did not question.. they moved. Such Faith!
I think of a personal friend, being so positive in every moment, though struggles to do the simplest things after suffering with a stroke. Amazing Example!
Yes, each trial is different, all have hard days, weeks, months, even years; but they all teach the same thing. It is to turn to God in all things. Our journeys are made to be shared to make us look outwardly, and not to turn inwardly where they do no good.
Image the people that each of these my Modern Pioneer Friends are touching each day. The hearts they are turning to God and to Jesus Christ. They are changing the world a friend at a time, a neighborhood, a community, wherever they go. Now if only we all, no matter what religion, or church we go to, what if we too shared our stories.... imagine!!
This is the year of missionary work! This is the year of Miracles!
Caleb, your book that I was inspired to write is almost done. It was reject a few months ago, but I feel we are getting closer. Closer in sharing our journey with others. Closer in doing our part this year, with helping to turn hearts to Jesus Christ.
How we love you. Happy New Year to you.
=)Love Your Mommy
Friday, February 24, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
February Memories
(Part One of the Memories of the month of February made in 2009.)
Feb 1st: Mom remembers that for school Caleb loved walking around the house to discover things for Math while on a scavenger hunt.
Feb 1st: Liahona remembers when making cookies with Caleb hey would crush up the egg with the spoon as they would take turns to stir the cookie dough.
Feb 1st: Liahona remembers when eating Popsicle with Caleb during the summer they would roll up the plastic and make funny faces with it.
Feb 1st: Tamara remembers how funny Caleb was.
Feb 2nd: Mom remembers that Caleb said he would like to go to public school when he was 16, so he could drive himself.
Feb 3rd: Mom remembers that Caleb like strawberry chunks from the jam on his toast and sandwiches.
Feb 3rd: Liahona remembers that when Caleb would color pictures, he would draw people with guns and blood on the walls, people and floor.
Feb 3rd: Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would slide down the stairs in sleeping bags.
Feb 4th: Liahon remembers that on the back of Caleb's workbooks, and lapbooks and stories he would write The End!
Feb 5th: Mom remembers after tucking in Caleb and doing our special handshake, I would give him a thumbs up and smile at him as I would exit the door, and wait ti see his smiling face and his thumbs up at me before I closed the door.
Feb 5th: Liahona remembers on one children's music cd, that Caleb loved the racing song.
Feb 5th: The girls remember when at the WIC appt with Mom, while playing with the real fire man boots, how Caleb's shoe got stuck inside. He said, "Aaah, my shoe." And we all laughed! =)
Feb 6th: Tamara remembers playing on the WIC teeter totter with Caleb.
Feb 6th: Mom remembers holding Montey on one side of the teeter totter because Caleb wanted to play on it with his brother.
Feb 7th: Tamara remembers how nervous Caleb got when crossing the jungle bridge under the waterfall at the Omaha Zoo. And that he would hold on Really tight to the ropes as he crossed to the other side. And getting so proud of himself once he crossed.
Feb 8th: Dad remembers how silly and goofy Caleb would be.
Feb 8th: Tamara remembers that Caleb would always share.
Feb 8th: Liahona remembers that Caleb would always play her games with her that she wanted to do.
Feb 9th: Mom remembers that Caleb liked the spiral Mac'n'cheese the best bought at Hyvee grocery store.
Feb 9th: Mom remembers how Caleb talked her into buying pokemon mac'n'cheese.
Feb 9th: The girls remember going on a field trip to the 'Great Harvest' bread store. And how Caleb was the 1st to be spun in the mixing bowl, and how he was scared.
Feb 9th: Mom remembers how excited Caleb was to grow his wheat that he got from Great Harvest.
Feb 9th: Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would always fight over the straw-bowl to use in the morning.
Feb 10th: Dad remembers that Caleb was scared of catching the medium to bigger toads at first, but then over came that fear and could chase after and catch them with no problem.
Feb 10th: Liahona remembers how a big toad peed on Caleb. And how Caleb said, "Eeww, he peed on me."
Feb 10th: Liahona remembers driving cars in the dirt with Caleb before the yard grew grass. And how they would step on pokey things.
Feb 10th: Tamara remembers driving cars with Caleb on the grass as it finally grew in.
Feb 11: Liahona remembers when playing at the park with homeschool friends Grayson and Nicky and Caleb and Tamara. How her and the homeschool friends kept encouraging Caleb to climb up the slide with sharp turns, but still would not.
Feb 11: Liahona remembers in Oregon how her and Caleb were at the Schnell's house playing and they were trying to open a vitamin jar but they couldn't and only Margaret could. But then once they read Caleb could then Liahona could next.
Feb 11: Liahona remembers on Ella Enchanted while watching it with Caleb, how he would always miss the Orge Bum part, and would say, "I didn't see it." And would get upset because Liahona would see it everytime the movie was on and he would always miss it.
Feb 12: Tamara remembers Caleb just being very crazy and silly sometimes.
Feb 12: Dad remembers how Caleb loved sloppy joes, baked beans, and corn on the cob.
Feb 12: Dad remembers how much Caleb enjoyed watching him play church basketball.
Feb 12: Liahona remembers how Caleb could almost walk on his hands in a handstand.
Feb 12: Liahona remembers how Caleb would hold Montey's shoulders and shake his head at Montey while making silly faces in his face.
Feb 1st: Mom remembers that for school Caleb loved walking around the house to discover things for Math while on a scavenger hunt.
Feb 1st: Liahona remembers when making cookies with Caleb hey would crush up the egg with the spoon as they would take turns to stir the cookie dough.
Feb 1st: Liahona remembers when eating Popsicle with Caleb during the summer they would roll up the plastic and make funny faces with it.
Feb 1st: Tamara remembers how funny Caleb was.
Feb 2nd: Mom remembers that Caleb said he would like to go to public school when he was 16, so he could drive himself.
Feb 3rd: Mom remembers that Caleb like strawberry chunks from the jam on his toast and sandwiches.
Feb 3rd: Liahona remembers that when Caleb would color pictures, he would draw people with guns and blood on the walls, people and floor.
Feb 3rd: Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would slide down the stairs in sleeping bags.
Feb 4th: Liahon remembers that on the back of Caleb's workbooks, and lapbooks and stories he would write The End!
Feb 5th: Mom remembers after tucking in Caleb and doing our special handshake, I would give him a thumbs up and smile at him as I would exit the door, and wait ti see his smiling face and his thumbs up at me before I closed the door.
Feb 5th: Liahona remembers on one children's music cd, that Caleb loved the racing song.
Feb 5th: The girls remember when at the WIC appt with Mom, while playing with the real fire man boots, how Caleb's shoe got stuck inside. He said, "Aaah, my shoe." And we all laughed! =)
Feb 6th: Tamara remembers playing on the WIC teeter totter with Caleb.
Feb 6th: Mom remembers holding Montey on one side of the teeter totter because Caleb wanted to play on it with his brother.
Feb 7th: Tamara remembers how nervous Caleb got when crossing the jungle bridge under the waterfall at the Omaha Zoo. And that he would hold on Really tight to the ropes as he crossed to the other side. And getting so proud of himself once he crossed.
Feb 8th: Dad remembers how silly and goofy Caleb would be.
Feb 8th: Tamara remembers that Caleb would always share.
Feb 8th: Liahona remembers that Caleb would always play her games with her that she wanted to do.
Feb 9th: Mom remembers that Caleb liked the spiral Mac'n'cheese the best bought at Hyvee grocery store.
Feb 9th: Mom remembers how Caleb talked her into buying pokemon mac'n'cheese.
Feb 9th: The girls remember going on a field trip to the 'Great Harvest' bread store. And how Caleb was the 1st to be spun in the mixing bowl, and how he was scared.
Feb 9th: Mom remembers how excited Caleb was to grow his wheat that he got from Great Harvest.
Feb 9th: Liahona remembers that her and Caleb would always fight over the straw-bowl to use in the morning.
Feb 10th: Dad remembers that Caleb was scared of catching the medium to bigger toads at first, but then over came that fear and could chase after and catch them with no problem.
Feb 10th: Liahona remembers how a big toad peed on Caleb. And how Caleb said, "Eeww, he peed on me."
Feb 10th: Liahona remembers driving cars in the dirt with Caleb before the yard grew grass. And how they would step on pokey things.
Feb 10th: Tamara remembers driving cars with Caleb on the grass as it finally grew in.
Feb 11: Liahona remembers when playing at the park with homeschool friends Grayson and Nicky and Caleb and Tamara. How her and the homeschool friends kept encouraging Caleb to climb up the slide with sharp turns, but still would not.
Feb 11: Liahona remembers in Oregon how her and Caleb were at the Schnell's house playing and they were trying to open a vitamin jar but they couldn't and only Margaret could. But then once they read Caleb could then Liahona could next.
Feb 11: Liahona remembers on Ella Enchanted while watching it with Caleb, how he would always miss the Orge Bum part, and would say, "I didn't see it." And would get upset because Liahona would see it everytime the movie was on and he would always miss it.
Feb 12: Tamara remembers Caleb just being very crazy and silly sometimes.
Feb 12: Dad remembers how Caleb loved sloppy joes, baked beans, and corn on the cob.
Feb 12: Dad remembers how much Caleb enjoyed watching him play church basketball.
Feb 12: Liahona remembers how Caleb could almost walk on his hands in a handstand.
Feb 12: Liahona remembers how Caleb would hold Montey's shoulders and shake his head at Montey while making silly faces in his face.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Healing Twinkle Within
Dear Caleb,
Oh Caleb, where do I start? I posted on the 24th, but I had to delete it. I received a beautiful piece of wisdom in December, and felt that I was suppose to tell you about it. But a curve came in our road, and I felt that I couldn't live up to it. I did not want to have people think that I was a hypocrite for me not following the further light and knowledge that I was given. Perhaps I will post on it another time.
Since the beginning of this new year, I have emotionally been going down hill, fighting Satan with this depression tsunami... I have failed so many times to get out of his reach and he got a hold of my heart many times. Filling it with fear, anger, and failure sunk in, making myself feel miserable.
"I feel like yelling;
I feel like screaming;
I just want to sleep and keep on dreaming.
For each step I take forward;
Is about 100 steps backward.
Some days I just can't take this;
It's a blur, a blah, an abyss.
Memories of the past haunt my mind;
I buckle under pressure and only come to find.
That even though I may feel like I am losing;
It is only but a small chapter closing.
Allowing me to see the bigger side;
Pulling, pushing me forward so that we may all be alive.
To stop, to give up, is to but die;
To move forward, onward is not goodbye.
I've got to keep my focus;
On my Savior and not hocus pocus.
It is only through my older brother;
That I am able to stand no matter the weather.
This is so hard, but I will hold on tight;
I will just look up to God in the heavens of light."
Three weeks ago really pushed my limits to an unknown level. Your father was called to be Scoutmaster in our church ward. Emotions and Words were swirling in my head and out loud. I know that your father will do well, I just worry about me being able to support him. I feel we are walking into that unknown bitter darkness again... and oh I am just praying that light will be coming soon. Your father told me that he needed to get all the necessary things to help him with this calling, so you know what that meant. Yup, he headed for the Scout store. I was a mess. I was angry. I was scared. I was so full of ache. As he started to drive away, I bursted into tears. I txted him pleading for him not to go, but to come back. Being the loving father that we both know him to be, he did just that. As he came through the front door I threw my arms around him and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
Later that very day, we actually drove as a family to the Scout store. I drove us. It was so hard, and yet I could feel God's love at the same time. It was so amazing to my mind, to my heart, to my whole being. While we were waiting for your father to get all the things he needed, the spirit spoke to me. I heard, "Caleb does not need cub scouts, but you do." And I was inspired to purchase a few things... well okay a lot of things. Let's just say it was a very expensive grief transaction. Caleb your siblings and I will be finishing what you began. We will be going through the Wolf Book, the Bear Book, and the Weblos Book before you turn 12. As we left I felt so lifted, and for the first time felt that it was okay to say the words Cub Scouts. And I actually felt excited to open those books.
On a grief level of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, before this outing I was at a 10. Now I can proudly say that I am at a 6. Slow progress is in the works. My spirit is so willing to just do and learn all that God our Father in Heaven has for me, for us. But my body, oh my weak, weak, weak mortal body is kicking and screaming. I know that I probably would not have made it over this huge hurdle, if it were not for these loving pushes from above. And I would not have felt of the momentous healing twinkle within myself, if I was not pushed towards my fears, towards my anger, towards where my heart aches the most and shivers when anything scouts is mentioned.
I honestly don't know how we are going to make this work. The only thing that I do know, is that we will, because we have the best support group from above. We so love you our sweet Ka-bub. Please don't stop pleading and petitioning for prayers to help us on this short journey while we are away from you.
Love Your Mommy
Oh Caleb, where do I start? I posted on the 24th, but I had to delete it. I received a beautiful piece of wisdom in December, and felt that I was suppose to tell you about it. But a curve came in our road, and I felt that I couldn't live up to it. I did not want to have people think that I was a hypocrite for me not following the further light and knowledge that I was given. Perhaps I will post on it another time.
Since the beginning of this new year, I have emotionally been going down hill, fighting Satan with this depression tsunami... I have failed so many times to get out of his reach and he got a hold of my heart many times. Filling it with fear, anger, and failure sunk in, making myself feel miserable.
"I feel like yelling;
I feel like screaming;
I just want to sleep and keep on dreaming.
For each step I take forward;
Is about 100 steps backward.
Some days I just can't take this;
It's a blur, a blah, an abyss.
Memories of the past haunt my mind;
I buckle under pressure and only come to find.
That even though I may feel like I am losing;
It is only but a small chapter closing.
Allowing me to see the bigger side;
Pulling, pushing me forward so that we may all be alive.
To stop, to give up, is to but die;
To move forward, onward is not goodbye.
I've got to keep my focus;
On my Savior and not hocus pocus.
It is only through my older brother;
That I am able to stand no matter the weather.
This is so hard, but I will hold on tight;
I will just look up to God in the heavens of light."
Three weeks ago really pushed my limits to an unknown level. Your father was called to be Scoutmaster in our church ward. Emotions and Words were swirling in my head and out loud. I know that your father will do well, I just worry about me being able to support him. I feel we are walking into that unknown bitter darkness again... and oh I am just praying that light will be coming soon. Your father told me that he needed to get all the necessary things to help him with this calling, so you know what that meant. Yup, he headed for the Scout store. I was a mess. I was angry. I was scared. I was so full of ache. As he started to drive away, I bursted into tears. I txted him pleading for him not to go, but to come back. Being the loving father that we both know him to be, he did just that. As he came through the front door I threw my arms around him and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
Later that very day, we actually drove as a family to the Scout store. I drove us. It was so hard, and yet I could feel God's love at the same time. It was so amazing to my mind, to my heart, to my whole being. While we were waiting for your father to get all the things he needed, the spirit spoke to me. I heard, "Caleb does not need cub scouts, but you do." And I was inspired to purchase a few things... well okay a lot of things. Let's just say it was a very expensive grief transaction. Caleb your siblings and I will be finishing what you began. We will be going through the Wolf Book, the Bear Book, and the Weblos Book before you turn 12. As we left I felt so lifted, and for the first time felt that it was okay to say the words Cub Scouts. And I actually felt excited to open those books.
On a grief level of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, before this outing I was at a 10. Now I can proudly say that I am at a 6. Slow progress is in the works. My spirit is so willing to just do and learn all that God our Father in Heaven has for me, for us. But my body, oh my weak, weak, weak mortal body is kicking and screaming. I know that I probably would not have made it over this huge hurdle, if it were not for these loving pushes from above. And I would not have felt of the momentous healing twinkle within myself, if I was not pushed towards my fears, towards my anger, towards where my heart aches the most and shivers when anything scouts is mentioned.
I honestly don't know how we are going to make this work. The only thing that I do know, is that we will, because we have the best support group from above. We so love you our sweet Ka-bub. Please don't stop pleading and petitioning for prayers to help us on this short journey while we are away from you.
Love Your Mommy
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