Healing Twinkle Within

Dear Caleb,

Oh Caleb, where do I start? I posted on the 24th, but I had to delete it. I received a beautiful piece of wisdom in December, and felt that I was suppose to tell you about it. But a curve came in our road, and I felt that I couldn't live up to it. I did not want to have people think that I was a hypocrite for me not following the further light and knowledge that I was given. Perhaps I will post on it another time.
Since the beginning of this new year, I have emotionally been going down hill, fighting Satan with this depression tsunami... I have failed so many times to get out of his reach and he got a hold of my heart many times. Filling it with fear, anger, and failure sunk in, making myself feel miserable.

"I feel like yelling;
I feel like screaming;
I just want to sleep and keep on dreaming.
For each step I take forward;
Is about 100 steps backward.
Some days I just can't take this;
It's a blur, a blah, an abyss.
Memories of the past haunt my mind;
I buckle under pressure and only come to find.
That even though I may feel like I am losing;
It is only but a small chapter closing.
Allowing me to see the bigger side;
Pulling, pushing me forward so that we may all be alive.
To stop, to give up, is to but die;
To move forward, onward is not goodbye.
I've got to keep my focus;
On my Savior and not hocus pocus.
It is only through my older brother;
That I am able to stand no matter the weather.
This is so hard, but I will hold on tight;
I will just look up to God in the heavens of light."

Three weeks ago really pushed my limits to an unknown level. Your father was called to be Scoutmaster in our church ward. Emotions and Words were swirling in my head and out loud. I know that your father will do well, I just worry about me being able to support him. I feel we are walking into that unknown bitter darkness again... and oh I am just praying that light will be coming soon. Your father told me that he needed to get all the necessary things to help him with this calling, so you know what that meant. Yup, he headed for the Scout store. I was a mess. I was angry. I was scared. I was so full of ache. As he started to drive away, I bursted into tears. I txted him pleading for him not to go, but to come back. Being the loving father that we both know him to be, he did just that. As he came through the front door I threw my arms around him and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
Later that very day, we actually drove as a family to the Scout store. I drove us. It was so hard, and yet I could feel God's love at the same time. It was so amazing to my mind, to my heart, to my whole being. While we were waiting for your father to get all the things he needed, the spirit spoke to me. I heard, "Caleb does not need cub scouts, but you do." And I was inspired to purchase a few things... well okay a lot of things. Let's just say it was a very expensive grief transaction. Caleb your siblings and I will be finishing what you began. We will be going through the Wolf Book, the Bear Book, and the Weblos Book before you turn 12. As we left I felt so lifted, and for the first time felt that it was okay to say the words Cub Scouts. And I actually felt excited to open those books.

On a grief level of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, before this outing I was at a 10. Now I can proudly say that I am at a 6. Slow progress is in the works. My spirit is so willing to just do and learn all that God our Father in Heaven has for me, for us. But my body, oh my weak, weak, weak mortal body is kicking and screaming. I know that I probably would not have made it over this huge hurdle, if it were not for these loving pushes from above. And I would not have felt of the momentous healing twinkle within myself, if I was not pushed towards my fears, towards my anger, towards where my heart aches the most and shivers when anything scouts is mentioned.

I honestly don't know how we are going to make this work. The only thing that I do know, is that we will, because we have the best support group from above. We so love you our sweet Ka-bub. Please don't stop pleading and petitioning for prayers to help us on this short journey while we are away from you.

Love Your Mommy