~~We LOVE The Gospel Of Jesus Christ~~

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Tuesday, September 24, 2013

When The Stars Do Not Align

Dear Caleb, Our mission call to serve in this new area, from our 12th move, is going alright. There's only been one welcoming opportunity, in the right setting, to share our family's journey. It sort of feels lonely to not have my "knowing" friends around physically to support me from day to day. But on the flip side, it sort-of feels nice to have a fresh start, of showing my positive thoughts, feelings and actions when it comes to our journey. However, that is a very high expectation, one that I feel can never truly be accomplished in this life with a broken heart, but I know that I can at least try- who knows, I might get close and surprise myself. All my life prior to 2009, I wore my emotions, everything on my sleeve. If one star was out of alignment: one insult, one thing I forgot, one failure in myself, one person that I disappointed... my day would be RUINED! And there was no shaking it, until the fresh new day arrived. I would go from what would look like a happy chipper person, to a wickedly mean lady all in a matter of a few seconds. When the stars would not align, I would also go into a panic attack disorder of sorts, allowing all my emotions to imprison me in my mind of failure and disappointment. But life is full of disappointments and it is a learning curve in how we deal with them as they come in waves. Yet those small anxieties are often ones that I laugh at now, for I have learned that there are bigger waves in the ocean. When those stars fall out of alignment, they make no difference to me or to my mind. I no longer allow those moments to control my actions; it is not a big deal for me these days. After you were called on your mission to serve, all my stars fell, and has fallen for years. No stars were shinning or glistening to a happier tune. I have been numb and tone deaf of any chance of a new star peaking through the gray and gloomy clouds of my heart. Thinking that all was lost to never see a shinning star reappear, in helping to place a smile on my face or warmth on my heart- I have been shown that there is always ONE. It isn't one of the normal that we would expect, it is ONE of a more brilliance and yet somewhat familiar. It is the ONE that will never dim nor disappear, unlike all of our other stars that we try to align. This ONE was created in a different way, in a different form. While all my stars have been gone, there has remained ONE that shines true. And it is in that ONE star that grants me hope and contentment of peace when all my stars have fallen, leaving me to feel without strength. And in those quiet moments when I need to see it the most, it comes out, and it says to my heart, "Fear not for I am with you, be not afraid." This is when I am renewed and filled with light and truth. Being lent with the ability to see and feel- to be taught further in the direction of which we are to go. I will admit that this journey is one of a tender and sensitive road. The path is long, the turns are sharp, and the cliffs... well they can seem a bit welcoming. But we know the direction and it is for an eternal home, to become an eternal family. This is a daily fight that we are living. A life that is needed of such a gentle and careful touch, only the Master he, Jesus Christ, knows how to reach. Now it is up to us to continue to let him lead. How much we love you Caleb. How much our hearts yearn for that glorious day to come. How much we are trying to keep up with you, please forgive us for our lagging behind. How wise you have always been. Love Eternally, Love Your Momma