Odds were Not in the Positive but it is never Hopeless

Dear Caleb,

Sometimes I still feel like I have to put on a show when people ask "How I am doing", but it is becoming less of an act. A smile and a laugh still feels foreign at times, but it is becoming more real and something that I am starting to call my own. It is a choice that I still literally have to choose and make everyday, it hasn't come fully natural yet- but it is getting closer. Just like choosing to get out of bed is still a choice that I have to make as well, but thanks to your little busy, demanding, baby sister it has forced me when: days, nights, weeks, months, years have been hard. The bottom of the line is, even with 5 years next month, from carrying all this grief and anguish, is that- One has to make that continuous choice to try and rise above it. Because if you give in, and it is SO very easy to do that- but if you give in, it is VERY difficult to climb out on your own. Lives, families, relationships get pushed to their limits and trying to salvage them after all that was said and done.... well the odds are very bleak- but NOT Hopeless!!! Your Daddy and I have been on a very rough road, but nothing is impossible to fix from what was lost- Time! Time is what was lost, almost 5 years of our marriage, of our family, of me being a mother to your siblings.... Almost Five Whole Years have been lost in grief, because I couldn't nor wouldn't dare to see anything else. The Pit was Dug, the Hole was Deep, the Odds were Not in the Positive, however, it is never Hopeless. Your Daddy and I are a standing witness to that. Our family is a standing witness that even with families with holes and broken hearts can rise together and keep moving forward. It is POSSIBLE, and there ARE families and marriages that can make it, despite ALL the odds. We choose to not let this ruin our eternity together, which all starts with the choices that we make right now!

Whether one is: Religious, Spiritual, Hopefully, One with Nature.... it is important to know that in the moment of turbulent times these things do not fail us, We Fail Them. The moment that we stop being true to ourselves and true to our hearts, giving into pain, anger, disappointment- that is when we allow ourselves to sink beneath the tsunami waves of the world. The Pits are Dug, the Holes are Deep, and the Odds are Not in the Positive, however, there is always Hope- it is NEVER Hopeless!! There were moments when I thought perhaps my Religion failed me, because why was I unhappy, and full of bitterness. My Religion was suppose to be a happy one, because I was taught that "Men are that they might have joy," but where was my joy?? For sure my religion has failed me I thought. Then I would almost instantly think of you Caleb, telling me, "Mom, everything is going to be OK."  And I stop and ponder on what if I 'give in' to hopelessness of the grief, anger and disappointments; loosing my chance to be with you forever, and having to live forever with this whole in my heart, that would be the complete opposite of what I am anticipating for Our Forever Family. That is when I make the choice again, to push up my sleeves and start 'feeling again' by climbing out of the Deep Pit that I Dug Myself into- for it is never Hopeless!

Much Anticipation from remembering the events of next month has already begun. Knots and Chills have resurfaced, along with me wanting to pull inwards. Trying to make your Angel Day a positive one for your siblings is truly hard for me, but I want them to have something good to focus on- and watching them be happy helps me stay calm. So we have decided to do our Teddy Bear Drive again, and donate to a local hospital in hopes to lift spirits and create smiles for the children. There is enough heartache and sorrow in this world, and it is time to pull out more from myself and do what I can to help heal hearts and bring comfort to others- even if it is just something small and insignificant as a Teddy Bear. Our goal was 50 when we did this 2 years ago, and we got over 70. I think our goal this year will be 100... Just think of all those smiles- I am looking forward in helping to bring more healing and love to this world that is full of pain and hurts.

We LOVE You Caleb... Ow my heart... Five years next month is so LONG... it hurts!
And yet is just feels like yesterday, gosh we dearly miss your sweet face Caleb.....
Sure wish Christ would just come to end our misery in this Endless Trial we are given to bear.
Love You Caleb, Love Your Mommy