Dear Caleb,
I am greatly missing you this Christmas Season, I hate to say that I dislike Christmas because I don't, it's just so hard to be happy. I am trying really hard to not be a downer when I am around others and seem like I'm a baa humbug. But with all the memories: getting out your Christmas train, putting up your special ornaments.... it's just so piercing to my heart. It hurts and I just want to cry all the time; it just doesn't seem possible to be happy during this time without you here. The ache is oh so terribly bitter during these Christmas times. Times that you just loved so much and looked forward too with your count down paper chains.
I've been listening to Christmas music with your siblings as we would drive around, trying to perk me into the mood but even the Christmas music sounds different to me again this year. And there are three songs specifically that keep bringing tears to my eyes and I get lost in the words. The first song is called, 'Christmas All Over Again' It says, "It is Christmas time again, decorations are hung by the fire, everyone is singing and all the bells are ringing out, and it's Christmas all over again." I am once again just going through the emotions of Christmas, everyone I see seem happy, and yet I keep thinking to myself, 'It's Christmas time again, here we go again' followed by a sour stomach every time. The second song is called, 'Somewhere in my memory.' It says, "Somewhere in my memory finds the joy of Christmas, living in my memory, all of the music, all of the magic, all of the family at home with me." I am trying so hard not to compare all present Christmas's to the ones that we shared with you. But it is just so hard to find all that joy and laughter and magic without you here with us. And the third song is called, 'Where are you Christmas.' It says, "Where are you Christmas why can't I find you, why have you gone away? Where is the laughter you used to bring me, why can't I hear music play? My world is changing I'm rearranging, does that mean that Christmas changes too?"
Caleb I know that the real reason of Christmas has not changed. I know that the only way to find pure joy has never changed either. It is the same and has been and ever will be forever. And it is through Christ our Lord, who was born in a lowly manger in Bethlehem. It is only because of him that I can hold my head high as tears stream down my cheeks; it is through him that saves, it is through him that will allow us to be together again.
This Christmas, I am brought back to my thoughts on Mary, the Mother of Jesus. How brave; how strong; how faithful and valiant she must have been- to carry the weight of knowing that her precious son would only stay for a short while, and then return home above. I have written a poem about her; It's called, 'Mary's Tribute.'
"I look to Mary with amazing awe,
As she was faithful in what she heard and saw.
How could one be so firm and true,
Knowing that her son's life would soon be due.
To carry such a constant ache in her heart,
I'm amazed that it never tore her apart.
She stood so valiant and oh so strong,
And never complained or thought God was wrong.
How I want to be more like her,
That obeyed God's will to become an accomplisher."
Caleb, sweet Caleb, I want to give you a present of my heart which is better then any physical gift of toys and things. I want to promise to you that I will try to be more like Mary: one who is strong, one who is focused always on God's will, one who finds progress through Christ. I cannot bear to disappoint you again, nor our family. I will kept pushing our family moving forward towards you. Thankfully we are not alone in this bitter work, we have the best loving supporting family on our side- God our Eternal Father and in his living, resurrected son Jesus Christ. Because of them we can do this, we will do this, there is no other way then God's way, so we will hold on tight as we follow his lighted path for us- with our aching hearts and tear stained faces. Because we know that we are promised everlasting joy if we but endure to the end, so we move with faith and trust- knowing that all WILL be made right!
We so dearly love you our Kabub. Merry Christmas Buddy Boy.
Love Your Mommy
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
A Thankful Heart of Contentment
Dear Caleb,
I want to thank you for the beautiful gift you gave me the 2 days before Thanksgiving, as I was going into Montey's room for another night-tare moment during the night. As I walked past your room and started to walk into Montey's room, in the corner of my eye I saw you playing on your floor with your toys that were left out from your sisters the day before. You were wearing your long t-shirt pajamas and had them pulled over your legs, as you were playing, and I thought to myself, "Oh look Caleb is up playing so quietly with his toys... boy he's such a sweet and considerate child." I took only 2 steps into Montey's room when I realized what I had just saw and what I had just said. I stopped moving forward and quickly ran back towards your room.... but this time you were not there, just your toys that you were playing with. The day before Thanksgiving as we were picking up our home, I told your sisters how you were here, and how important it is for us to leave out some of your toys, because you like to come home to play with them. They all agree that they will do this for you.
Well Caleb, I have finally been able to see glimmers of sun beams shining through these never ending stormy, gloomy clouds. But before this, I was feeling myself fall deeper, and deeper into a depression. I have been unhappy with myself, causing things to be unhappy at home. I was getting so tired of being the problem and causing all the problems. So many people have told me, that you would want me to be happy- but with all honesty I had NO idea how to do that or even know where to start. The idea of living a happy life got knocked out of me like one feels when being punch in the stomach... it just makes it hard to breath and move. I have been going through the emotions as one would live their life; wake up, get out of bed, feed the kids, do school with the kids, make lunch, finish school, do chores, make dinner, go to bed. But I have not truly being 'living.' My mind was set to a certain channel, that I have been living to die. I have given up on almost everything: going, doing, and being what I use to do and be. I have just been letting life hit me as it comes, instead of trying to enjoy the moments of what time I may still have left with our family here on earth.
There was a family, the Jaques family, that came across the plains with the Martin Handcart Pioneers- my feelings are almost identical . On October 17, 1864 John Jaques wrote about the passing of his daughter Rose. "At about 8 o'clock in the morning our poor little darling died. This was a heavy blow to us, as she was a lovely and sensible child and we had fondly hoped that she would live to be a help and comfort and companion to her mother. We both felt that were it not for our boys, we could cheerfully have gone down to the grave with our dear little daughter. When will the resurrection come, that we may have our darling back again?" After Rose was buried two days later, her father felt that all life's beauties had gone with her. "How desolate the house seemed," he wrote, "and the garden and the trees and vines. All their charms seemed to have gone into the grave with our poor darling."
It amazes me that even about 150 years later, the feelings of loss are the same. Everything has been gray, gloomy in my life, everything has been half empty, nothing has brought even a remoteness spark of life back into my limpless life since you returned home. I haven't even allowed myself to try, for all guilt sets in when I think that I might be able to change my thinking to half full. Until just recently......
Right before the Martin Handcart company finally made it to Salt Lake Valley on Sunday November 30, many were still at church. President Brigham Young, the second Latter-day Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, dismissed all to go home and to prepare their homes to help the people that were coming. Brigham Young said, "You know I would give more for a dish of pudding and milk, or a baked potato and salt, were I in their situation of those peoples who have just come in, than I would for all your prayers, though you were to stay here all afternoon and pray. Prayer is good, but when baked potatoes and pudding and milk are needed, prayer will not supply their place on this occasion; give every duty its proper time and place..."
From those words, it got my squeaky, rusty wheels turning again. Helping me to notice that I have only been doing what John Jaques' mentioned, just praying and asking to know when the resurrection will come, so that we may be with you again. Though praying is good as Brigham Young said, yet, everything must be given it's proper time and place; especially with taking better care of the gift of life- for that is what it is, a Gift. We are only here for but a moment. I can not expect to receive a golden ticket home like you, I am expected to work and to be found worthy to receive that even higher gift called eternal life.
It has been very awkward and even uncomfortable at times as I have begun my first steps into the rays of sunbeams, through my ever so dark and gloomy clouds of emotions. There have been several that have mentioned how glad they are to see me happy. I have even found myself singing in the shower and humming while I eat. But it is not happiness they see. For me to be happy again, even to the measure of what I was with you here, can only be obtained later when we are a family forever. But I have found that one can be content with what God has given us. I am content Caleb. I am happier because I have fully allowed God to take control of our families life and path. I can no longer expect to be in control, for I am not; nor was I ever. How weird of me for thinking any differently, but how thankful I am to know in whom I trust. How thankful we are at this Thanksgiving time of year, to be given the gift of contentment.
How we ache for your presence again, the longing is sometimes unbearable, but through Christ, because of Christ, ALL will be made right.... we will see.... all will be made right.
=)Love Your Mommy
I want to thank you for the beautiful gift you gave me the 2 days before Thanksgiving, as I was going into Montey's room for another night-tare moment during the night. As I walked past your room and started to walk into Montey's room, in the corner of my eye I saw you playing on your floor with your toys that were left out from your sisters the day before. You were wearing your long t-shirt pajamas and had them pulled over your legs, as you were playing, and I thought to myself, "Oh look Caleb is up playing so quietly with his toys... boy he's such a sweet and considerate child." I took only 2 steps into Montey's room when I realized what I had just saw and what I had just said. I stopped moving forward and quickly ran back towards your room.... but this time you were not there, just your toys that you were playing with. The day before Thanksgiving as we were picking up our home, I told your sisters how you were here, and how important it is for us to leave out some of your toys, because you like to come home to play with them. They all agree that they will do this for you.
Well Caleb, I have finally been able to see glimmers of sun beams shining through these never ending stormy, gloomy clouds. But before this, I was feeling myself fall deeper, and deeper into a depression. I have been unhappy with myself, causing things to be unhappy at home. I was getting so tired of being the problem and causing all the problems. So many people have told me, that you would want me to be happy- but with all honesty I had NO idea how to do that or even know where to start. The idea of living a happy life got knocked out of me like one feels when being punch in the stomach... it just makes it hard to breath and move. I have been going through the emotions as one would live their life; wake up, get out of bed, feed the kids, do school with the kids, make lunch, finish school, do chores, make dinner, go to bed. But I have not truly being 'living.' My mind was set to a certain channel, that I have been living to die. I have given up on almost everything: going, doing, and being what I use to do and be. I have just been letting life hit me as it comes, instead of trying to enjoy the moments of what time I may still have left with our family here on earth.
There was a family, the Jaques family, that came across the plains with the Martin Handcart Pioneers- my feelings are almost identical . On October 17, 1864 John Jaques wrote about the passing of his daughter Rose. "At about 8 o'clock in the morning our poor little darling died. This was a heavy blow to us, as she was a lovely and sensible child and we had fondly hoped that she would live to be a help and comfort and companion to her mother. We both felt that were it not for our boys, we could cheerfully have gone down to the grave with our dear little daughter. When will the resurrection come, that we may have our darling back again?" After Rose was buried two days later, her father felt that all life's beauties had gone with her. "How desolate the house seemed," he wrote, "and the garden and the trees and vines. All their charms seemed to have gone into the grave with our poor darling."
It amazes me that even about 150 years later, the feelings of loss are the same. Everything has been gray, gloomy in my life, everything has been half empty, nothing has brought even a remoteness spark of life back into my limpless life since you returned home. I haven't even allowed myself to try, for all guilt sets in when I think that I might be able to change my thinking to half full. Until just recently......
Right before the Martin Handcart company finally made it to Salt Lake Valley on Sunday November 30, many were still at church. President Brigham Young, the second Latter-day Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, dismissed all to go home and to prepare their homes to help the people that were coming. Brigham Young said, "You know I would give more for a dish of pudding and milk, or a baked potato and salt, were I in their situation of those peoples who have just come in, than I would for all your prayers, though you were to stay here all afternoon and pray. Prayer is good, but when baked potatoes and pudding and milk are needed, prayer will not supply their place on this occasion; give every duty its proper time and place..."
From those words, it got my squeaky, rusty wheels turning again. Helping me to notice that I have only been doing what John Jaques' mentioned, just praying and asking to know when the resurrection will come, so that we may be with you again. Though praying is good as Brigham Young said, yet, everything must be given it's proper time and place; especially with taking better care of the gift of life- for that is what it is, a Gift. We are only here for but a moment. I can not expect to receive a golden ticket home like you, I am expected to work and to be found worthy to receive that even higher gift called eternal life.
It has been very awkward and even uncomfortable at times as I have begun my first steps into the rays of sunbeams, through my ever so dark and gloomy clouds of emotions. There have been several that have mentioned how glad they are to see me happy. I have even found myself singing in the shower and humming while I eat. But it is not happiness they see. For me to be happy again, even to the measure of what I was with you here, can only be obtained later when we are a family forever. But I have found that one can be content with what God has given us. I am content Caleb. I am happier because I have fully allowed God to take control of our families life and path. I can no longer expect to be in control, for I am not; nor was I ever. How weird of me for thinking any differently, but how thankful I am to know in whom I trust. How thankful we are at this Thanksgiving time of year, to be given the gift of contentment.
How we ache for your presence again, the longing is sometimes unbearable, but through Christ, because of Christ, ALL will be made right.... we will see.... all will be made right.
=)Love Your Mommy
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Fall Brings Falling Emotions
Dear Caleb,
Fall still brings much uneasiness to my heart, and so much aching; as we enter into a new school year. Inside I am a mess; there is a continue flowing of tears that just never stop. I do not want to start another school year without you. It is so difficult to keep myself together these days. Fall used to be my favorite season, then it changed- becoming one of my most dreaded times of the year. Thankfully this year I was reminded by the Lord that there is one thing, one ray of hope that is given to me each Fall Season.... it is the blessed words of The leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; the Prophet Thomas S. Monson and the 12 Apostles. I always look forward to hear from them each General Conference. Their words bring so much peace to my aching and broken heart. I received much guidance and strength from them. I feel that I have a better firm map of life that will help keep me moving until 6 months from now, when we will hear from them again.
Fall time means birthday time for me. Before the accident I used to think how terrible it was to be getting older, that it was an embarrassing thing to tell people how 'Old' I really was. But my birthdays have become such a thing of JOY! I am SO glad to be getting older, that that means I have one more year done in this, my mortal life- making the gap closer to being with you again. I proudly told people how old I was, and how grateful I was to be getting older. I am so excited to be 80 years old, for my body will finally match my brain. I often get jealous of old people and think how lucky the are to be on their last leg, and how I wished we could switch shoes.
I think of these 80 year old people and think about the wonderful lives they have lived and all the things that they saw in their prime, and how things must seem so foreign to them today. All the technology, the pace of life, the way things work and run in this world.... how different it was for them in their day. And all their dear friends and family slowly leaving them into the next and better life, perhaps feeling like they are getting left behind to stay in a weird world that they can not keep up with nor understand. So when it is time for them to make the joyous move to be reunited, it comes as a welcomed visitor. For there is nothing better then being with family and friends..... truly Heaven is such a joyous place that should not be feared, but to be welcome with full open arms.
When I am having a difficult time and things are taking longer than desired, or feel like I can handle... I remind myself of the scripture in The Book of Mormon found in Alma 40:8, "All is as one day with God, and time is only measured unto men." And I tell myself over and over again, 'Time is measured only unto men, time is measured only unto men, time is measured only unto men...' This helps me to stay firm and focused on God's will and timing for us as a family.
I woke up early on my birthday morning and drove to my favorite place on earth to go. It is the only place where I can feel of the loving, ever most comforting arms of the Lord around me. A place where you can not help but feel lifted when you leave. However, unfortunately this was not the case for me this time. I never thought that one could have an unpleasant experience in this amazing place. I left with a much heavier heart then what I came with. This month has just been difficult, just full of confusion of knowing God's will for us.... I get so puzzled at times, and think 'Why does God think we can handle this? This is so much bigger than anything I have ever been through.' The affect is not just temporary, it is permanent. The damage has been done, but I can not allow myself to think that it will always be like this... because it will not. Our joy Caleb, is coming in the morning. When Christ comes, he will bring healing in his wings. How truly, truly blessed we are to know the because of Christ ALL will truly be made right.
This is our hope. This is our Focus. For this is God's promise to us, and he ALWAYS keeps his promises. How we love him for that.
Since God's timing is different then ours, I will say to you our sweet boy... We will see you in the morning.
Love, Your Mommy.
Fall still brings much uneasiness to my heart, and so much aching; as we enter into a new school year. Inside I am a mess; there is a continue flowing of tears that just never stop. I do not want to start another school year without you. It is so difficult to keep myself together these days. Fall used to be my favorite season, then it changed- becoming one of my most dreaded times of the year. Thankfully this year I was reminded by the Lord that there is one thing, one ray of hope that is given to me each Fall Season.... it is the blessed words of The leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; the Prophet Thomas S. Monson and the 12 Apostles. I always look forward to hear from them each General Conference. Their words bring so much peace to my aching and broken heart. I received much guidance and strength from them. I feel that I have a better firm map of life that will help keep me moving until 6 months from now, when we will hear from them again.
Fall time means birthday time for me. Before the accident I used to think how terrible it was to be getting older, that it was an embarrassing thing to tell people how 'Old' I really was. But my birthdays have become such a thing of JOY! I am SO glad to be getting older, that that means I have one more year done in this, my mortal life- making the gap closer to being with you again. I proudly told people how old I was, and how grateful I was to be getting older. I am so excited to be 80 years old, for my body will finally match my brain. I often get jealous of old people and think how lucky the are to be on their last leg, and how I wished we could switch shoes.
I think of these 80 year old people and think about the wonderful lives they have lived and all the things that they saw in their prime, and how things must seem so foreign to them today. All the technology, the pace of life, the way things work and run in this world.... how different it was for them in their day. And all their dear friends and family slowly leaving them into the next and better life, perhaps feeling like they are getting left behind to stay in a weird world that they can not keep up with nor understand. So when it is time for them to make the joyous move to be reunited, it comes as a welcomed visitor. For there is nothing better then being with family and friends..... truly Heaven is such a joyous place that should not be feared, but to be welcome with full open arms.
When I am having a difficult time and things are taking longer than desired, or feel like I can handle... I remind myself of the scripture in The Book of Mormon found in Alma 40:8, "All is as one day with God, and time is only measured unto men." And I tell myself over and over again, 'Time is measured only unto men, time is measured only unto men, time is measured only unto men...' This helps me to stay firm and focused on God's will and timing for us as a family.
I woke up early on my birthday morning and drove to my favorite place on earth to go. It is the only place where I can feel of the loving, ever most comforting arms of the Lord around me. A place where you can not help but feel lifted when you leave. However, unfortunately this was not the case for me this time. I never thought that one could have an unpleasant experience in this amazing place. I left with a much heavier heart then what I came with. This month has just been difficult, just full of confusion of knowing God's will for us.... I get so puzzled at times, and think 'Why does God think we can handle this? This is so much bigger than anything I have ever been through.' The affect is not just temporary, it is permanent. The damage has been done, but I can not allow myself to think that it will always be like this... because it will not. Our joy Caleb, is coming in the morning. When Christ comes, he will bring healing in his wings. How truly, truly blessed we are to know the because of Christ ALL will truly be made right.
This is our hope. This is our Focus. For this is God's promise to us, and he ALWAYS keeps his promises. How we love him for that.
Since God's timing is different then ours, I will say to you our sweet boy... We will see you in the morning.
Love, Your Mommy.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Tribulation Worketh Patience
Dear Caleb,
Going into your Second Angel Day, I felt like we were all alone, and on our own with dealing with all this grief and emotion by ourselves. I keep feeling like we had developed some kind of disease that caused others to keep their distance from us. After the accident I have to admit I did not like all the cards and flowers, etc simply because I did not want all this attention. I did not want to admit that I needed help. I did not want to admit that we were currently facing our One and only fear in this world. From then to now I have learned to MISS such tender reminders that we are still known and loved by God. That he hasn't forgotten us, because thankfully I have learned "that it is usually through others that he helps meet our needs." Said by a former prophet of our church, President Spencer W. Kimball. As again our heart were reminded of God love for us, for he sent SO many people our way to help us once again carry the weight of this difficult burden we have been carrying. I always stand corrected by his loving and so caring hand, which brings such peace to my heart and mind.
It's been a difficult recovery from last month's emotional events. I have had quite the emotional out of the blue hiccups that would just come in enormous waves. Your poor Father and siblings are so used to my randomness, that when the hiccups come, they loving look at me sigh and say, "Moms got the hiccups again." They are so good with just giving me space to let out my tears, how blessed we are Caleb to have such wonderful family who loves us. I have embarrassed myself a good many times this month with my hiccups. The other people that are so patient with me, and I feel sorry that they have to deal with my hiccups so much are the members of our church ward. They are so kind and loving, how blessed we are to have been placed in such a loving and understanding ward. Though I am sure that I am know as the lunatic of the ward with all these hiccups, but that is just fine. On top of all these hiccups I have received a new church calling in the ward. It was emotionally difficult for me to accept this one, AGAIN. For it is the same one that I had when you were with us in Nebraska. I feel obligated to do better this time around, for we both know that I failed it the first time. There is so much anxiety this time around that I am an emotional wreck with feeling like..... here I am again. Floods of memories constantly fill my mind, and bring much ache to my heart. Dad and I have been reading in Romans chapter Five. Oh how I love Paul. How I wish that I too could change my name to reflect my heart and be a reminder to myself of the old me and the new me. In verses 3-5 they say, "We glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulations worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience hope. And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." Now it is truly through tribulations that gives us experience and knowledge of understanding of such things. For without it, we could not fulfill the very purpose of why we are here- for that is to become like God and be perfected in Christ. For we have only limited understanding without the blessings of tribulation, which opens our minds, in making room for more light and knowledge. In Romans 8: 24-26 it says, "For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope; for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Caleb so many of us pray for safely, pray for peace, pray to be kept out of harms way. So why is it that some are not given such things? It is simply because we do not know what to pray for. We think that these things are what we need, for truly it is God who knows what we need to learn and understand, especially when it comes time to be given further light and knowledge. One can shrug, as I did and sometimes still do, when one is stretched by unfavorable tribulations. I have come to better understand that, when tribulations come it is in that moment that we need to show our reverence and humility out to God, and say as Christ did, 'Thine will be done.' "For who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulations, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angles, nor principalities, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the Love of God, which is in Christ, Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:25-39.)
I am living proof that God's loving, merciful hand is continually stretched out always. It is ourselves that turn our backs on such loving and ever so capable hands. And yet his love is infinitely so tender and patient with our ever constant emotional hiccups. My newest thoughts are 'Bring it on!' "What shall we say to these? If God be for us, who can be against us?"(Romans 8:31) I welcome all these hiccup challenges, the accepting of the same church calling with being over cub scouts again, the selling of our special van that we bought with you in Nebraska... if anything good is going to come from any of this, it will be that us Mathison's ARE Finishers!!!
I love you,
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers: How you would ALWAYS bite on your straws, and how it would driving everyone crazy when we were sharing a drink. (Tamara has now in honor of you started to do this.)
LIahona remembers: How you used to be afraid of fireworks, but on our last 4th of July together, you lit them all up for us.
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How you liked to eat your eggs over easy the way dad would make them, because you like to poke the yellow yoke to make it run out and all over your plate.
Dad (Eric) remembers: How you would often wanted to put up our tent in the backyard to sleep in.
Going into your Second Angel Day, I felt like we were all alone, and on our own with dealing with all this grief and emotion by ourselves. I keep feeling like we had developed some kind of disease that caused others to keep their distance from us. After the accident I have to admit I did not like all the cards and flowers, etc simply because I did not want all this attention. I did not want to admit that I needed help. I did not want to admit that we were currently facing our One and only fear in this world. From then to now I have learned to MISS such tender reminders that we are still known and loved by God. That he hasn't forgotten us, because thankfully I have learned "that it is usually through others that he helps meet our needs." Said by a former prophet of our church, President Spencer W. Kimball. As again our heart were reminded of God love for us, for he sent SO many people our way to help us once again carry the weight of this difficult burden we have been carrying. I always stand corrected by his loving and so caring hand, which brings such peace to my heart and mind.
It's been a difficult recovery from last month's emotional events. I have had quite the emotional out of the blue hiccups that would just come in enormous waves. Your poor Father and siblings are so used to my randomness, that when the hiccups come, they loving look at me sigh and say, "Moms got the hiccups again." They are so good with just giving me space to let out my tears, how blessed we are Caleb to have such wonderful family who loves us. I have embarrassed myself a good many times this month with my hiccups. The other people that are so patient with me, and I feel sorry that they have to deal with my hiccups so much are the members of our church ward. They are so kind and loving, how blessed we are to have been placed in such a loving and understanding ward. Though I am sure that I am know as the lunatic of the ward with all these hiccups, but that is just fine. On top of all these hiccups I have received a new church calling in the ward. It was emotionally difficult for me to accept this one, AGAIN. For it is the same one that I had when you were with us in Nebraska. I feel obligated to do better this time around, for we both know that I failed it the first time. There is so much anxiety this time around that I am an emotional wreck with feeling like..... here I am again. Floods of memories constantly fill my mind, and bring much ache to my heart. Dad and I have been reading in Romans chapter Five. Oh how I love Paul. How I wish that I too could change my name to reflect my heart and be a reminder to myself of the old me and the new me. In verses 3-5 they say, "We glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulations worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience hope. And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." Now it is truly through tribulations that gives us experience and knowledge of understanding of such things. For without it, we could not fulfill the very purpose of why we are here- for that is to become like God and be perfected in Christ. For we have only limited understanding without the blessings of tribulation, which opens our minds, in making room for more light and knowledge. In Romans 8: 24-26 it says, "For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope; for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Caleb so many of us pray for safely, pray for peace, pray to be kept out of harms way. So why is it that some are not given such things? It is simply because we do not know what to pray for. We think that these things are what we need, for truly it is God who knows what we need to learn and understand, especially when it comes time to be given further light and knowledge. One can shrug, as I did and sometimes still do, when one is stretched by unfavorable tribulations. I have come to better understand that, when tribulations come it is in that moment that we need to show our reverence and humility out to God, and say as Christ did, 'Thine will be done.' "For who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulations, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angles, nor principalities, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the Love of God, which is in Christ, Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:25-39.)
I am living proof that God's loving, merciful hand is continually stretched out always. It is ourselves that turn our backs on such loving and ever so capable hands. And yet his love is infinitely so tender and patient with our ever constant emotional hiccups. My newest thoughts are 'Bring it on!' "What shall we say to these? If God be for us, who can be against us?"(Romans 8:31) I welcome all these hiccup challenges, the accepting of the same church calling with being over cub scouts again, the selling of our special van that we bought with you in Nebraska... if anything good is going to come from any of this, it will be that us Mathison's ARE Finishers!!!
I love you,
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers: How you would ALWAYS bite on your straws, and how it would driving everyone crazy when we were sharing a drink. (Tamara has now in honor of you started to do this.)
LIahona remembers: How you used to be afraid of fireworks, but on our last 4th of July together, you lit them all up for us.
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How you liked to eat your eggs over easy the way dad would make them, because you like to poke the yellow yoke to make it run out and all over your plate.
Dad (Eric) remembers: How you would often wanted to put up our tent in the backyard to sleep in.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Butterfly Release Ceremony
Caleb here we are with you celebrating your 2nd Angel Anniversary. Some Friends and Family gathered to be with us and you on the 25th. It was a beautiful evening, a great day for releasing butterflies in your honor.
Here is your trophy this year. We presented you with your missionary plaque, this being the end of you serving your Two Year mission. Most mother's get their sons back after they serve there 2 Year Mission, but I do not get such luxury. It truly was bitter sweet to award you with your missionary plaque. Nevertheless, we are proud of the hard missionary work that you are doing on the other side of the veil. We will hang your plaque with pride in your room, next to your other trophies; reminding us of your ever constant positive efforts that you are doing to serve on your mission.
This is what is engraved on your plaque, accompanied by a picture of you at your baptism with your Father all in white.
Caleb Luccas Mathison
Serving a Full Time Mission
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
2009- 2011
Team Angels
Here is your trophy this year. We presented you with your missionary plaque, this being the end of you serving your Two Year mission. Most mother's get their sons back after they serve there 2 Year Mission, but I do not get such luxury. It truly was bitter sweet to award you with your missionary plaque. Nevertheless, we are proud of the hard missionary work that you are doing on the other side of the veil. We will hang your plaque with pride in your room, next to your other trophies; reminding us of your ever constant positive efforts that you are doing to serve on your mission.
This is what is engraved on your plaque, accompanied by a picture of you at your baptism with your Father all in white.
Caleb Luccas Mathison
Serving a Full Time Mission
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
2009- 2011
Team Angels
Thursday, August 25, 2011
What will we do with the time that's left?
Dear Caleb, This video was made by your father last year. He did a great job. We hope that this video will help others to feel of your loving spirit, and the joy that you are. We are so proud of you.
Love your Mommy
(We ask that after viewing Caleb's video, to help keep the reverance on his blog, that you do NOT play any of the other U-tube viedos on the main menu. Thank you.)
Love your Mommy
(We ask that after viewing Caleb's video, to help keep the reverance on his blog, that you do NOT play any of the other U-tube viedos on the main menu. Thank you.)
Year Two (Dad)
Dear Caleb,
I can’t believe it has only been two years that we have been separated from you. It feels more like an eternity. It is very difficult watching your siblings grow up without their big brother paving the way for them. You were such a great big brother and example to them and they miss you very much. I found myself looking at the clock many times yesterday and thinking what we would have been doing at that instant two years ago. I remember we had a great time during the day and I will always be grateful that I had the day off so we could spend it together as a family. I found myself thinking a lot about how different that day would have been if I had known how it was going to end up. Of course I would have done anything to keep you safe from harm but that was not our Heavenly Father’s will. So what would I have talked with you about if I had known that at the end of that day you would no longer be with us on this earth? How could I have taken 8 years and 2 months of love and concern for you plus the many years to come of things I would have love to have taught and shown you and fit it all into one day? I do not know everything I would have told you but I certainly would have expressed how much I love you, how proud I was of the person you were becoming, and that I am confident that one day we will see each other again and be together as a family.
Caleb you have taught us so much the last two years about perspective and what really matters in this life. There are so many things that beforehand I placed a lot of value in but no longer seem to matter. I have also learned a great deal about service. There have been so many great people that have demonstrated concern for us through acts of service. I’ve realized how important it is that we each become more aware of those around us and reach out through service. We all at certain points in our lives need help to overcome the trails and hardships we are faced with. Sometimes the help we need are simply words of encouragement. We fall short many times but are trying to be less selfish and a more service oriented family. Thank you Caleb for teaching us these things. Thank you for being the great big brother that you were to your siblings. Liahona and Tamara often share experiences and memories of you. I am amazed at how much you taught them in the time you were on this earth with them. We long for you to be with us and do not understand why things happened the way they did. We trust however, that our Heavenly Father does understand and so we accept his will and continue looking foreword to the day that we can be with you again. I love you very much Caleb.
Love, Your Dad
I can’t believe it has only been two years that we have been separated from you. It feels more like an eternity. It is very difficult watching your siblings grow up without their big brother paving the way for them. You were such a great big brother and example to them and they miss you very much. I found myself looking at the clock many times yesterday and thinking what we would have been doing at that instant two years ago. I remember we had a great time during the day and I will always be grateful that I had the day off so we could spend it together as a family. I found myself thinking a lot about how different that day would have been if I had known how it was going to end up. Of course I would have done anything to keep you safe from harm but that was not our Heavenly Father’s will. So what would I have talked with you about if I had known that at the end of that day you would no longer be with us on this earth? How could I have taken 8 years and 2 months of love and concern for you plus the many years to come of things I would have love to have taught and shown you and fit it all into one day? I do not know everything I would have told you but I certainly would have expressed how much I love you, how proud I was of the person you were becoming, and that I am confident that one day we will see each other again and be together as a family.
Caleb you have taught us so much the last two years about perspective and what really matters in this life. There are so many things that beforehand I placed a lot of value in but no longer seem to matter. I have also learned a great deal about service. There have been so many great people that have demonstrated concern for us through acts of service. I’ve realized how important it is that we each become more aware of those around us and reach out through service. We all at certain points in our lives need help to overcome the trails and hardships we are faced with. Sometimes the help we need are simply words of encouragement. We fall short many times but are trying to be less selfish and a more service oriented family. Thank you Caleb for teaching us these things. Thank you for being the great big brother that you were to your siblings. Liahona and Tamara often share experiences and memories of you. I am amazed at how much you taught them in the time you were on this earth with them. We long for you to be with us and do not understand why things happened the way they did. We trust however, that our Heavenly Father does understand and so we accept his will and continue looking foreword to the day that we can be with you again. I love you very much Caleb.
Love, Your Dad
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Truly We Are One (Mom)
Dear Sweet Cay-bub,
This pain is running too deep this month. It hurts all the more this year then last. The pain is strong, the taste is bitter, the sorrow is undesirable; it is an awful glance of the depths of what eternal and very real despair is. But to allow myself to be in despair would mean that I would have to turn my back against God. And I don't dare, for he is the very thing keeping me together, it is his hand that is continually pulling me away from where this awful gloom resides- for there is no escaping it's terrible grasp without his strengthening, loving support.
It has been two years, this 24th and 25th. The memories of us on our way to the scout store are still so crisp on my mind. The weather so beautiful, the sky was blue, everything was going so well for our family that day... How fast things can change. I pushed myself to review the pictures and comments from the accident, of all that I could find online. I feel so nauseous, so sick to my stomach, so light headed, so dizzy with all these emotions pouring into my weak mortal body. And yet after reading all the comments that were posted on every news site I could find, I do not feel any bitterness or anger towards any one's opinion. I cannot expect anyone to understand what happened, when I don't even know myself. I have nothing but the words of Our Savior, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do," or in my words from my prayer, "Father forgive them for they know not what they say." Yes, they did not have all the details, nor the position of being in my shoes and knowing my heart of a loving mother, for no mother who loves her children would ever put them in harms way- but would graciously take the full hit, if it meant for their children to pass by unhurt. All I remembering was riding with you, talking about football, dodging a deer that ran in front of us on Old Cheney Road. You were sitting in the front passenger side because we did not have airbags so that was legal. You wanted to sit up there ever since you were 7 years old, but we felt that you should at least wait until you were 8 years old, so you would be bigger and taller. So being eight years old, you sat up in the front with me on our outing. It was only your second time up in the front seat, and we were enjoying our conversation and just being together. And then the next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. Even the police after 3 months didn't know what happened, for the citation was returned. Our check was never deposited, but was returned right back to us. We always wanted to meet up with that wonderful young man in the other car, Travis Robeson. I know that even 2 years later it's got to be hard for him, especially if we are still aching with grief.
If you Caleb, had to leave, I know the Lord came to get you with his loving arms taking you instantly. You had so many people pulling for you on both sides of the veil, I often wonder if there was a small counsel to determine what was truly best for you. You have such an amazing support group still pulling for you today- there is so much love in their hearts. To be separated from those that we love causes such miserable aching, and longing on the very heartstrings of our hearts. Why did you take the whole blunt for us Caleb, that was suppose to be my role. I am just suppose to kiss your boo boos and put cute band aids on them so they heal and go away. You took everything!! It is a blessing to know that you are not suffering. Every time I get out of bed, I see that I have been give all the extensions of my limbs, and I think... how is that possible, unless you worked out a deal with God to spare me. I have reverenced my body in a way that I have never done before. To be given a second chance when you did not, I feel I am living my life with you. It is ours, we are one, our work on both sides of the veil are connected: We serve, we love, we forgive, and we know in whom we have to thank- for the promises to be an eternal family, to see and be together again; it is because of our Savior Jesus Christ. What a glorious plan of happiness of Father in Heaven created for us.
We live on strong because of you, of your example, of your selfless sacrifice for our family. Such beautiful examples you have left behind for us, there being only one other that has made such a strong sacrifice for our family; Jesus Christ. Our fight as a family is ever so strong, we know in what and why we live- it is to be found worthy to be together. Nothing compares to this our goal and righteous desire of our hearts. The sorrow, the pain, the aching, the longing pushes us onward. Thank goodness that your father and I got married in the Temple of the Lord, the only place in which we can be promised to be together forever, and not just til death do us part.
Thank goodness for temples and the priesthood of God that binds and seals families together.
We have been promised that if we stay strong, that these blessings can truly be ours.
We so love you Caleb.
We will not let you down, not after all that you have done to help keep our family together, you have done more than your share, we will do the rest.
=)Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers: How you liked to play the car card game called Millie Bornes.
Liahona remembers: That you told her when you were in Public School Kindergarten that you had to color within the lines.
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How you liked to make lists: List for what to do that day, List for what sport to play, Lists for all who would play with you...
Dad (Eric) remembers: How good you were with setting up your electronics to get things to turn on and work; you would rarely need adult help.
This pain is running too deep this month. It hurts all the more this year then last. The pain is strong, the taste is bitter, the sorrow is undesirable; it is an awful glance of the depths of what eternal and very real despair is. But to allow myself to be in despair would mean that I would have to turn my back against God. And I don't dare, for he is the very thing keeping me together, it is his hand that is continually pulling me away from where this awful gloom resides- for there is no escaping it's terrible grasp without his strengthening, loving support.
It has been two years, this 24th and 25th. The memories of us on our way to the scout store are still so crisp on my mind. The weather so beautiful, the sky was blue, everything was going so well for our family that day... How fast things can change. I pushed myself to review the pictures and comments from the accident, of all that I could find online. I feel so nauseous, so sick to my stomach, so light headed, so dizzy with all these emotions pouring into my weak mortal body. And yet after reading all the comments that were posted on every news site I could find, I do not feel any bitterness or anger towards any one's opinion. I cannot expect anyone to understand what happened, when I don't even know myself. I have nothing but the words of Our Savior, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do," or in my words from my prayer, "Father forgive them for they know not what they say." Yes, they did not have all the details, nor the position of being in my shoes and knowing my heart of a loving mother, for no mother who loves her children would ever put them in harms way- but would graciously take the full hit, if it meant for their children to pass by unhurt. All I remembering was riding with you, talking about football, dodging a deer that ran in front of us on Old Cheney Road. You were sitting in the front passenger side because we did not have airbags so that was legal. You wanted to sit up there ever since you were 7 years old, but we felt that you should at least wait until you were 8 years old, so you would be bigger and taller. So being eight years old, you sat up in the front with me on our outing. It was only your second time up in the front seat, and we were enjoying our conversation and just being together. And then the next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. Even the police after 3 months didn't know what happened, for the citation was returned. Our check was never deposited, but was returned right back to us. We always wanted to meet up with that wonderful young man in the other car, Travis Robeson. I know that even 2 years later it's got to be hard for him, especially if we are still aching with grief.
If you Caleb, had to leave, I know the Lord came to get you with his loving arms taking you instantly. You had so many people pulling for you on both sides of the veil, I often wonder if there was a small counsel to determine what was truly best for you. You have such an amazing support group still pulling for you today- there is so much love in their hearts. To be separated from those that we love causes such miserable aching, and longing on the very heartstrings of our hearts. Why did you take the whole blunt for us Caleb, that was suppose to be my role. I am just suppose to kiss your boo boos and put cute band aids on them so they heal and go away. You took everything!! It is a blessing to know that you are not suffering. Every time I get out of bed, I see that I have been give all the extensions of my limbs, and I think... how is that possible, unless you worked out a deal with God to spare me. I have reverenced my body in a way that I have never done before. To be given a second chance when you did not, I feel I am living my life with you. It is ours, we are one, our work on both sides of the veil are connected: We serve, we love, we forgive, and we know in whom we have to thank- for the promises to be an eternal family, to see and be together again; it is because of our Savior Jesus Christ. What a glorious plan of happiness of Father in Heaven created for us.
We live on strong because of you, of your example, of your selfless sacrifice for our family. Such beautiful examples you have left behind for us, there being only one other that has made such a strong sacrifice for our family; Jesus Christ. Our fight as a family is ever so strong, we know in what and why we live- it is to be found worthy to be together. Nothing compares to this our goal and righteous desire of our hearts. The sorrow, the pain, the aching, the longing pushes us onward. Thank goodness that your father and I got married in the Temple of the Lord, the only place in which we can be promised to be together forever, and not just til death do us part.
Thank goodness for temples and the priesthood of God that binds and seals families together.
We have been promised that if we stay strong, that these blessings can truly be ours.
We so love you Caleb.
We will not let you down, not after all that you have done to help keep our family together, you have done more than your share, we will do the rest.
=)Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers: How you liked to play the car card game called Millie Bornes.
Liahona remembers: That you told her when you were in Public School Kindergarten that you had to color within the lines.
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How you liked to make lists: List for what to do that day, List for what sport to play, Lists for all who would play with you...
Dad (Eric) remembers: How good you were with setting up your electronics to get things to turn on and work; you would rarely need adult help.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
13 months old
You were 13months on Aug 23, 2002.
You were doing.......
You were saying......
(to be filled in later)
You were doing.......
You were saying......
(to be filled in later)
Sunday, July 24, 2011
...I will ease your burdens...
Dear Caleb,
Oh sweet Caleb, Caleb, Caleb... my heart aches miserably inside for you, for us; for the desire of having all to be made right. I am not ready for next month, I am dreading it with every ounce of fiber in my being. Yet, I know it will come nevertheless. So I might as well accept the fact and prepare this broke heart of mine, that I may not impede the progress and growth that the Lord has for us. It doesn't make this situation any easier though, it is just a choice one has to make to continue to move forward. For without knowing the bitter, we could not understand the sweet.
As a family we went to Montana, to the family property that we haven't been back too since you were with us. You were 5, Liahona was 4, and Tamara was 2 last time that we went there as a family. It was hard but enjoyable to be back there; where you can feel close to family on both sides of the veil. It is a place of reverence and love. I feared that I wouldn't be able to handle the 2 week trip away from home, but the Lord granted me strength and help so that I could feel of his love; allowing me to be content and not hindering with building new family memories- seeing that this was Montey's first time being there. I took so many pictures to bring that sacred place home with us. It truly was a joy of a trip.
While I was up there at the family property I reading the Book of Mormon, in Mosiah chapter 24, it was a time when the people of the Lord and Alma their prophet, was being ruled by a wicked leader named Amulon. He told the people of God that they could not pray out loud to their God or else he would kill them; but the people didn't stop praying, they continued to pray in their hearts for help and for deliverance from bondage. In verses 13 through15 it says, "And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully with patience to all the will of the Lord."
This scripture truly was written to help me to see more clearly. Though our burden is not with the physical burden of wicked leaders; ours is in: this temporary separation, heat ache, depression, guilt, and disappointment. The Lord granted ease to Alma and his people because of their love and devotion to God whom lives above. These are they who have entered into the waters of baptism, creating a covenant; meaning a two way promise. I took comfort as I re-read, "I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me: and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage." You, Dad, Liahona, and I have entered into this covenant. And I know that the Lord is strongly aware of our devotion to do his will, and because of that, I know that he has stretched forth his merciful loving arm towards us; to bring us ease. People have told us that trough 'time' things will get better, but I have come to understand it differently. It is not that through time things get better on their own; it is through time that we come to understand and learn that we can actually live with this unwanted burden. It is not because of our strength that we are able to make things better, because that is impossible; there is nothing within ourselves to change the outcome of the past. It is because of Christ that allows us to be lifted on higher ground, even when the circumstances are unfavorable.
This is our final test of all, to do as the people of Alma did; "They did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." Elder Neal A Maxwell, a former member of the 12 apostles said, "Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best- better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than his. Either way we are questioning the reality of God's omniscience, as if, as some seem to believe, God were on some sort of postdoctoral fellowship..." Knowing that our burden has been made light, we cannot but rejoice in the Lord; For truly we are slowly being brought out of our bondage. I just pray that, we as a family, may wait with patience on the Lord, with obtaining the desires of our hearts- in being an eternal family.
Much Loves to you Buddy Boy,
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers, how You loved to play with your squirt guns and spray bottles; especially with your sisters.
Liahona remembers, how You always wanted a pet snake.
Mom remembers, how You liked to play bowling with plastic cups and a small rubber ball.
Dad remembers, how You would often talk him into jumping on the trampoline with you.
Oh sweet Caleb, Caleb, Caleb... my heart aches miserably inside for you, for us; for the desire of having all to be made right. I am not ready for next month, I am dreading it with every ounce of fiber in my being. Yet, I know it will come nevertheless. So I might as well accept the fact and prepare this broke heart of mine, that I may not impede the progress and growth that the Lord has for us. It doesn't make this situation any easier though, it is just a choice one has to make to continue to move forward. For without knowing the bitter, we could not understand the sweet.
As a family we went to Montana, to the family property that we haven't been back too since you were with us. You were 5, Liahona was 4, and Tamara was 2 last time that we went there as a family. It was hard but enjoyable to be back there; where you can feel close to family on both sides of the veil. It is a place of reverence and love. I feared that I wouldn't be able to handle the 2 week trip away from home, but the Lord granted me strength and help so that I could feel of his love; allowing me to be content and not hindering with building new family memories- seeing that this was Montey's first time being there. I took so many pictures to bring that sacred place home with us. It truly was a joy of a trip.
While I was up there at the family property I reading the Book of Mormon, in Mosiah chapter 24, it was a time when the people of the Lord and Alma their prophet, was being ruled by a wicked leader named Amulon. He told the people of God that they could not pray out loud to their God or else he would kill them; but the people didn't stop praying, they continued to pray in their hearts for help and for deliverance from bondage. In verses 13 through15 it says, "And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully with patience to all the will of the Lord."
This scripture truly was written to help me to see more clearly. Though our burden is not with the physical burden of wicked leaders; ours is in: this temporary separation, heat ache, depression, guilt, and disappointment. The Lord granted ease to Alma and his people because of their love and devotion to God whom lives above. These are they who have entered into the waters of baptism, creating a covenant; meaning a two way promise. I took comfort as I re-read, "I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me: and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage." You, Dad, Liahona, and I have entered into this covenant. And I know that the Lord is strongly aware of our devotion to do his will, and because of that, I know that he has stretched forth his merciful loving arm towards us; to bring us ease. People have told us that trough 'time' things will get better, but I have come to understand it differently. It is not that through time things get better on their own; it is through time that we come to understand and learn that we can actually live with this unwanted burden. It is not because of our strength that we are able to make things better, because that is impossible; there is nothing within ourselves to change the outcome of the past. It is because of Christ that allows us to be lifted on higher ground, even when the circumstances are unfavorable.
This is our final test of all, to do as the people of Alma did; "They did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." Elder Neal A Maxwell, a former member of the 12 apostles said, "Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best- better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than his. Either way we are questioning the reality of God's omniscience, as if, as some seem to believe, God were on some sort of postdoctoral fellowship..." Knowing that our burden has been made light, we cannot but rejoice in the Lord; For truly we are slowly being brought out of our bondage. I just pray that, we as a family, may wait with patience on the Lord, with obtaining the desires of our hearts- in being an eternal family.
Much Loves to you Buddy Boy,
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers, how You loved to play with your squirt guns and spray bottles; especially with your sisters.
Liahona remembers, how You always wanted a pet snake.
Mom remembers, how You liked to play bowling with plastic cups and a small rubber ball.
Dad remembers, how You would often talk him into jumping on the trampoline with you.
Friday, June 24, 2011
"Still Moving"
Dear Caleb,
My heart can hardily contain all these feelings and emotions. I try to put on a smiling face for everyone, but inside I am such a wretched mess. Especially with yesterday being your 10th Birthday, and today being the 24th. Sometimes I just want to cry and cry, and when I do, there is just no stopping those tears. Usually it's when I am on my knees pleading for the Lords' help, or when I recognize a tender mercy from the Lord- helping us to feel of his love for us. Like when I was putting your Birthday video together, I couldn't seem to find your 7 year old birthday pictures anywhere in all the files we had saved on the computer. I said a prayer to find it and literally when I sat back down at the computer those pictures of yours popped up on the screen.... tears just flowed with gratitude for his tender mercies with helping us put that together for you.
There is an old conference talk from 2004 that I came across the other day. By Sister Clegg who was the second counselor in the Primary Presidency at that time, she talked about the importance to "Keep Moving." She said, "My husband’s great-grandfather Henry Clegg Jr. was a finisher. He joined the Church with his family when the first LDS missionaries went to Preston, England. Henry had a view of his destination in his mind as he and his wife, Hannah, and their two young boys immigrated to Utah. Henry left his older parents, who were too feeble to make such a long and arduous journey, knowing he would never see them again.
While crossing the plains, Hannah contracted cholera and died. She was laid to rest in an unmarked grave. The company then moved on, and at six in the evening, Henry’s youngest son also died. Henry retraced his steps to Hannah’s grave, placed his young son in his wife’s arms, and reburied the two of them together. Henry then had to return to the wagon train, now five miles away. Suffering from cholera himself, Henry described his condition as being at death’s door while realizing he still had a thousand miles to walk. Amazingly he continued forward, putting one foot in front of the other. He stopped writing in his journal for several weeks after losing his dear Hannah and little son. I was struck with the words he used when he did start writing again: “Still moving.”
What makes us, our family to "Keep Moving," especially when it seems so hard and impossible. What makes The Church of Jesus Christ so special to help one get through difficult circumstances? Why is this church so different then other churches? Caleb, I will tell you why. But first let me explain that being born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints, I did not understand why. I was good with observing all the outward appearances of being a good Member of the church. But honestly, I can tell you that I truly was not converted until after the accident, in which many call being saved. In the Book of Mormon 2 Nephi chapter 25 verses 23 and 26 says, "For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethern, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." "And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins." But for me Caleb, on this journey that our family is on, finding our own finish to our story, it is a dire need to be saved everyday, not just once.
So why does my affiliation to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints seem to be more intense then ever before? We are taught that Our Father in Heaven created a beautiful plan for us, to come to earth, receive a body, and to prove faithful in our love for him in this life, and we will be blessed with a royal crown on high- to come dwell with him. But what about our families that we have grown to love and cherish while in this earthly life? To leave them behind when one moves on to the next life, is a sore and painful heartbreak. We are taught that when one is married in the Holy Temples of the Lord, we are married not just for time here on earth but for ALL eternity. And we are promised and blessed that all the children that we help bring down to earth will be ours for time on earth, and for all eternity too.
Back in August 2009, right before the accident I prayed that I would gain a stronger understanding of the temples of the Lord. I knew they were important, but I didn't understand exactly why. When we were in Nauvoo after your baptism, remember when Grandma and Grandpa Mathison were watching you, so Dad and I could attend the temple there in Nauvoo- well I prayed that I would gain a stronger understanding of the temple. And then the next week came the accident. For the longest time I thought it was all my fault for praying for such a thing- my mother always told me to be careful what you pray for because you just might get it. And she was right. It has been a bitter journey for our family without you here. But because of Christ's atoning sacrifice for us, he truly has made all things possible. The promises in the temple, to be an eternal family is our one and only Hope in this life and in the next- this is what we fight for, to be worthy to receive this promised blessing someday. The one righteous burning desire of our hearts, to be a complete family again, to be whole- in being an eternal family. This is why we can tell people that we are "Still Moving."
How much we love the Lord, our Savior for making all things to be made right someday. And for our Father in Heaven who has blessed us with Holy Temples to create Eternal Families, where one can always have Hope. I call Temples a symbol of God's love for us, his children. Oh how he is truly mindful of our needs, both temporal and eternal.
Happy 10th Birthday Caleb. We are truly thankful for your obedience and willingness to answer the call to serve on the other side of the veil. Thank you for pointing our family towards these Holy Temples, and to come unto Christ. What a blessing you have been to our family from the beginning, thank you for your patience with us. We are trying our best to catch up, please don't loosen your slack on us now.
We Love You,
Love Your Mommy
Tamara's newest memory is that she remembers trying to find where Gus (our hamster) was burried in their Nebraska sandbox in the back yard. Her and Caleb kept digging up sand to try to find Gus, because they missed him, but they could never find him.
Liahona's newest memory is that she remembers that her and Caleb came up with the idea to clean up the whole house. Caleb came up to her and said Let's pick up this room for mom and dad. And she said That's a good idea, but let's pick up the whole house. And Caleb said YEAH! And then they ran downstairs to the white board and drew out their plans.
Mom (Tanya) remembers How Caleb liked sleeping on the twin air mattress and how he liked to bounce around on it.
Dad (Eric) remembers How Caleb loved to go bowling as a family. And how excited he would get when he would knock all the pins down to get a strike or spare.
My heart can hardily contain all these feelings and emotions. I try to put on a smiling face for everyone, but inside I am such a wretched mess. Especially with yesterday being your 10th Birthday, and today being the 24th. Sometimes I just want to cry and cry, and when I do, there is just no stopping those tears. Usually it's when I am on my knees pleading for the Lords' help, or when I recognize a tender mercy from the Lord- helping us to feel of his love for us. Like when I was putting your Birthday video together, I couldn't seem to find your 7 year old birthday pictures anywhere in all the files we had saved on the computer. I said a prayer to find it and literally when I sat back down at the computer those pictures of yours popped up on the screen.... tears just flowed with gratitude for his tender mercies with helping us put that together for you.
There is an old conference talk from 2004 that I came across the other day. By Sister Clegg who was the second counselor in the Primary Presidency at that time, she talked about the importance to "Keep Moving." She said, "My husband’s great-grandfather Henry Clegg Jr. was a finisher. He joined the Church with his family when the first LDS missionaries went to Preston, England. Henry had a view of his destination in his mind as he and his wife, Hannah, and their two young boys immigrated to Utah. Henry left his older parents, who were too feeble to make such a long and arduous journey, knowing he would never see them again.
While crossing the plains, Hannah contracted cholera and died. She was laid to rest in an unmarked grave. The company then moved on, and at six in the evening, Henry’s youngest son also died. Henry retraced his steps to Hannah’s grave, placed his young son in his wife’s arms, and reburied the two of them together. Henry then had to return to the wagon train, now five miles away. Suffering from cholera himself, Henry described his condition as being at death’s door while realizing he still had a thousand miles to walk. Amazingly he continued forward, putting one foot in front of the other. He stopped writing in his journal for several weeks after losing his dear Hannah and little son. I was struck with the words he used when he did start writing again: “Still moving.”
What makes us, our family to "Keep Moving," especially when it seems so hard and impossible. What makes The Church of Jesus Christ so special to help one get through difficult circumstances? Why is this church so different then other churches? Caleb, I will tell you why. But first let me explain that being born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints, I did not understand why. I was good with observing all the outward appearances of being a good Member of the church. But honestly, I can tell you that I truly was not converted until after the accident, in which many call being saved. In the Book of Mormon 2 Nephi chapter 25 verses 23 and 26 says, "For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethern, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." "And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins." But for me Caleb, on this journey that our family is on, finding our own finish to our story, it is a dire need to be saved everyday, not just once.
So why does my affiliation to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints seem to be more intense then ever before? We are taught that Our Father in Heaven created a beautiful plan for us, to come to earth, receive a body, and to prove faithful in our love for him in this life, and we will be blessed with a royal crown on high- to come dwell with him. But what about our families that we have grown to love and cherish while in this earthly life? To leave them behind when one moves on to the next life, is a sore and painful heartbreak. We are taught that when one is married in the Holy Temples of the Lord, we are married not just for time here on earth but for ALL eternity. And we are promised and blessed that all the children that we help bring down to earth will be ours for time on earth, and for all eternity too.
Back in August 2009, right before the accident I prayed that I would gain a stronger understanding of the temples of the Lord. I knew they were important, but I didn't understand exactly why. When we were in Nauvoo after your baptism, remember when Grandma and Grandpa Mathison were watching you, so Dad and I could attend the temple there in Nauvoo- well I prayed that I would gain a stronger understanding of the temple. And then the next week came the accident. For the longest time I thought it was all my fault for praying for such a thing- my mother always told me to be careful what you pray for because you just might get it. And she was right. It has been a bitter journey for our family without you here. But because of Christ's atoning sacrifice for us, he truly has made all things possible. The promises in the temple, to be an eternal family is our one and only Hope in this life and in the next- this is what we fight for, to be worthy to receive this promised blessing someday. The one righteous burning desire of our hearts, to be a complete family again, to be whole- in being an eternal family. This is why we can tell people that we are "Still Moving."
How much we love the Lord, our Savior for making all things to be made right someday. And for our Father in Heaven who has blessed us with Holy Temples to create Eternal Families, where one can always have Hope. I call Temples a symbol of God's love for us, his children. Oh how he is truly mindful of our needs, both temporal and eternal.
Happy 10th Birthday Caleb. We are truly thankful for your obedience and willingness to answer the call to serve on the other side of the veil. Thank you for pointing our family towards these Holy Temples, and to come unto Christ. What a blessing you have been to our family from the beginning, thank you for your patience with us. We are trying our best to catch up, please don't loosen your slack on us now.
We Love You,
Love Your Mommy
Tamara's newest memory is that she remembers trying to find where Gus (our hamster) was burried in their Nebraska sandbox in the back yard. Her and Caleb kept digging up sand to try to find Gus, because they missed him, but they could never find him.
Liahona's newest memory is that she remembers that her and Caleb came up with the idea to clean up the whole house. Caleb came up to her and said Let's pick up this room for mom and dad. And she said That's a good idea, but let's pick up the whole house. And Caleb said YEAH! And then they ran downstairs to the white board and drew out their plans.
Mom (Tanya) remembers How Caleb liked sleeping on the twin air mattress and how he liked to bounce around on it.
Dad (Eric) remembers How Caleb loved to go bowling as a family. And how excited he would get when he would knock all the pins down to get a strike or spare.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
12months old
On June 23, 2002:
You were walking. You were climbing. You were pulling off all the books on the bookshelf. You were always holding rocks. you were always wanting to play ball. you were enjoying your new little sister Little Miss, is what we first called her.
You were always wanting to hug and kiss her, which was awfully cute but it would make her cry because you were still learning how to be soft. You were still waking up often throughout the nights.
(pictures to come.)
You were walking. You were climbing. You were pulling off all the books on the bookshelf. You were always holding rocks. you were always wanting to play ball. you were enjoying your new little sister Little Miss, is what we first called her.
You were always wanting to hug and kiss her, which was awfully cute but it would make her cry because you were still learning how to be soft. You were still waking up often throughout the nights.
(pictures to come.)
Happy 10th Birthday Caleb
(Thank you Julie for sending us this song, it has been perfect for our hearts with making Caleb's birthday memory video.)
Happy Pirate Birthday Caleb, the girls thought you would like to have a pirate party this year so we are, in honor of you.
We hope you can feel our love for you today as we celebrate with you.
We Love You, Love Your Family
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
My One Last Bitter Cry
Dear Caleb,
I have just finished my second round of Mother's Day without you, and your Dad and siblings tried so hard to make it such a nice day, with hugs and kisses, cards and gifts... but once again it was a bitter and very difficult go around. I was relieved when they didn't have the primary children sing to us mother's at church. Instead they had the Dad's, which sounded so lovely that it took away my tears and made me laugh, which was perfect. However, I did choke up a few times because it wasn't just the Dad's that got up to sing, it was all the primary boys too. I thought I could See you standing next to your Dad, and could hear your sweet voice singing. Your voice is still so familiar to me that I can hear you sing when your favorite songs are played... and this was one of those. They sang the song, "Mother, I Love You."
"Mother I love you, Mother I do.
Father in Heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you, I love to hear you.
Singing so softly that you love me too.
Mother I love you, I love you, I do."
This was one of those sweet songs that you would sing around the house. It always made me smile when I would hear you singing this song as you cleaned your room, took a bath, or played outside. So I wanted to thank you Caleb for letting me hear your voice again as you got up to sing with your Daddy.
Our church building has the exact same floor plan as our church building in Nebraska. So throughout the meeting, when the tears would start to swell, I went to the same place that I did last year on Mother's Day... in the kitchen to be alone to cry. I cried such bitter tears from my broken heart. I thought I could handle going to church this time on Mother's Day but I was wrong, I was still carrying my guilt and disappointment in myself for not being a better mother to protect you, as mother's are suppose to do.
The whole week leading up to Mother's Day, my body started throwing yet another tantrum- which placed me in another huge depression wave! Making my limbs heavy so I could hardly get out of bed, fatigue kicked in and lasted throughout the whole day. I was getting up to 12 and half hours of sleep in a day- with going to bed as early at 6:30pm and sleeping in til 8:30am. I just wanted to sleep all the time- I had no energy to do anything, nor did I feel like doing anything but cry and sleep.
I was reading the words from Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the 12 apostles he said, " It is our actions and our desires that cause us to become something. Desires dictate our priorities, Priorities shape our choices, and Choices determine our actions." The day before Mother's Day I was talking to my sister April, I was telling her that I was tired of being so tired all the time. I knew that I needed to do something for I was caught in a terrible depression. My sister said that I needed to get my blood flow going, and try to get my body moving. I told her working out was the last thing that I would want to do, especially when I had no energy to do it. But she lovingly persisted that, that is what would help pull me through this tsunami depression wave.
Dallin H Oaks from his talk on Desire from this April Conference, continued to say, "The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving and our becoming. This is a power of an overriding desire on priorities and on actions." I knew that if wanted to beat this depression wave- for me, for my marriage, for my family, that I had to move fast. So, I made to choice to get my body moving, forcing to sleep less, staying active during the day with little or no naps, and try to get my body up and moving to workout in our garage gym with Daddy before he goes off to work each morning. I feel like crying every time I sit on my cycling bike and rower, it is so hard on my body, but I know it is what I need to do to keep from giving in.
After a day of bitter tears on Mother's Day, I got on my knees to say my morning prayer, and I received this amazing clear perspective that I was ready to give the Lord the rest of my heart that i have been holding back from being healed-I was ready to Forgive myself. To say that I have truly trusted in him would be wrong. I wasn't completely trusting is his will, I still was wanting to hold back a small piece; wishing, hoping that somehow by chance, we could have everything back the way it was, hoping to get our miracle, which some people seem to get. But by doing this, it has only caused more pain and heartache. I finally felt that I was at a breaking point and tired of carrying this 10% which has been greatly sore on my heart and body.
I said to Heavenly Father, that I felt that I was ready to give the rest of this trial into His loving hands: the weight of guilt that I have been carrying the for so long, the idea of just being so upset with myself for not being a better mom, the frustrations of not doing better in protecting my son, and the feelings that I am not deserving of any love- of which I have been punishing myself since the accident. For me to take on this load of being responsible, was only a loving gesture of a loving earthly mother- but it was not mine to do. It was a gift from Father in Heaven to help us to see things more clearly. The responsibility, honor, and glory goes to the one who is All knowing, and Has no end, and knows what is the best thing for us. Caleb the most amazing thing happened once I was able to finally express and mean it, that I was ready to forgive myself, I was immediately relieved from my severe body aches and pains, and a smile was on my face the whole day. It had finally made sense in my mind that if this truly WAS Heavenly Father's path for us to learn to come unto him, then he MUST have the way for us to come up on top at the end. I am afraid that I have taken this life way too seriously, yes life is important, but we don't live for this life, we live to qualify for the next.
I am feeling better equipped to handling these next difficult months June your birthday and August your angel anniversary. Though this has not been what I expected life to be for our family nor our lot in life, yet, however, it has been exactly what our family has needed to pull together- to sift out the dross of our lives, and to focus on the promised blessings of eternal life and to become an eternal family.
Though our hears are still broken, we take great comfort in knowing that because of Christ All will be made right.
I am still having a very difficult time answering the question, "How are you doing?" If I say, "Fine, or good", I am lying to myself. If I answer honestly, "Terrible, unhappy," people look at me like I am a weirdo. So I do not answer about me, I answer with the "H"ope that we have in Christ. I say, "Because of Christ I am well, How about you?" I feel it is the only right answer to testify of my love for him, and his hand that we have literally seen in our lives- for without him we would be nothing.
Caleb thank you for serving so faithfully on your mission, it is truly a blessing to our family. We hope our actions show you our love by serving with you- by bring much glory and honor to our Father in Heaven, expressing our gratitude for his many tender mercies that he has given to us as a family.
We Love You More Than Words Can Express, Our Buddy Boy!
Love Your Mommy
Tamara remembers how Caleb liked to play line tag with her and Liahona. He even taught Grandpa Brooks how to play Line Tag with them when he came to visit while he was in Chicago for work.
Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to make his own books and would say, "Who wants to check out a book?" And how he would also try to sell his books for .5, .10, and .25 And how he always wanted to make his own library.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb would get upset if we had water to go with our dinners instead of juice. He would say, "Is that water? I don't want water!"
Dad (Eric)remembers how Caleb liked playing church. He would make a talk, get songs to sing, scriptures out to read and sacrament prepared. Then he would gather everyone together and he would conduct give the prayer have everyone sing, give the talk, read from scriptures, pass out the sacrament, and have everyone sing another song.
I have just finished my second round of Mother's Day without you, and your Dad and siblings tried so hard to make it such a nice day, with hugs and kisses, cards and gifts... but once again it was a bitter and very difficult go around. I was relieved when they didn't have the primary children sing to us mother's at church. Instead they had the Dad's, which sounded so lovely that it took away my tears and made me laugh, which was perfect. However, I did choke up a few times because it wasn't just the Dad's that got up to sing, it was all the primary boys too. I thought I could See you standing next to your Dad, and could hear your sweet voice singing. Your voice is still so familiar to me that I can hear you sing when your favorite songs are played... and this was one of those. They sang the song, "Mother, I Love You."
"Mother I love you, Mother I do.
Father in Heaven has sent me to you.
When I am near you, I love to hear you.
Singing so softly that you love me too.
Mother I love you, I love you, I do."
This was one of those sweet songs that you would sing around the house. It always made me smile when I would hear you singing this song as you cleaned your room, took a bath, or played outside. So I wanted to thank you Caleb for letting me hear your voice again as you got up to sing with your Daddy.
Our church building has the exact same floor plan as our church building in Nebraska. So throughout the meeting, when the tears would start to swell, I went to the same place that I did last year on Mother's Day... in the kitchen to be alone to cry. I cried such bitter tears from my broken heart. I thought I could handle going to church this time on Mother's Day but I was wrong, I was still carrying my guilt and disappointment in myself for not being a better mother to protect you, as mother's are suppose to do.
The whole week leading up to Mother's Day, my body started throwing yet another tantrum- which placed me in another huge depression wave! Making my limbs heavy so I could hardly get out of bed, fatigue kicked in and lasted throughout the whole day. I was getting up to 12 and half hours of sleep in a day- with going to bed as early at 6:30pm and sleeping in til 8:30am. I just wanted to sleep all the time- I had no energy to do anything, nor did I feel like doing anything but cry and sleep.
I was reading the words from Dallin H. Oaks, a member of the 12 apostles he said, " It is our actions and our desires that cause us to become something. Desires dictate our priorities, Priorities shape our choices, and Choices determine our actions." The day before Mother's Day I was talking to my sister April, I was telling her that I was tired of being so tired all the time. I knew that I needed to do something for I was caught in a terrible depression. My sister said that I needed to get my blood flow going, and try to get my body moving. I told her working out was the last thing that I would want to do, especially when I had no energy to do it. But she lovingly persisted that, that is what would help pull me through this tsunami depression wave.
Dallin H Oaks from his talk on Desire from this April Conference, continued to say, "The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving and our becoming. This is a power of an overriding desire on priorities and on actions." I knew that if wanted to beat this depression wave- for me, for my marriage, for my family, that I had to move fast. So, I made to choice to get my body moving, forcing to sleep less, staying active during the day with little or no naps, and try to get my body up and moving to workout in our garage gym with Daddy before he goes off to work each morning. I feel like crying every time I sit on my cycling bike and rower, it is so hard on my body, but I know it is what I need to do to keep from giving in.
After a day of bitter tears on Mother's Day, I got on my knees to say my morning prayer, and I received this amazing clear perspective that I was ready to give the Lord the rest of my heart that i have been holding back from being healed-I was ready to Forgive myself. To say that I have truly trusted in him would be wrong. I wasn't completely trusting is his will, I still was wanting to hold back a small piece; wishing, hoping that somehow by chance, we could have everything back the way it was, hoping to get our miracle, which some people seem to get. But by doing this, it has only caused more pain and heartache. I finally felt that I was at a breaking point and tired of carrying this 10% which has been greatly sore on my heart and body.
I said to Heavenly Father, that I felt that I was ready to give the rest of this trial into His loving hands: the weight of guilt that I have been carrying the for so long, the idea of just being so upset with myself for not being a better mom, the frustrations of not doing better in protecting my son, and the feelings that I am not deserving of any love- of which I have been punishing myself since the accident. For me to take on this load of being responsible, was only a loving gesture of a loving earthly mother- but it was not mine to do. It was a gift from Father in Heaven to help us to see things more clearly. The responsibility, honor, and glory goes to the one who is All knowing, and Has no end, and knows what is the best thing for us. Caleb the most amazing thing happened once I was able to finally express and mean it, that I was ready to forgive myself, I was immediately relieved from my severe body aches and pains, and a smile was on my face the whole day. It had finally made sense in my mind that if this truly WAS Heavenly Father's path for us to learn to come unto him, then he MUST have the way for us to come up on top at the end. I am afraid that I have taken this life way too seriously, yes life is important, but we don't live for this life, we live to qualify for the next.
I am feeling better equipped to handling these next difficult months June your birthday and August your angel anniversary. Though this has not been what I expected life to be for our family nor our lot in life, yet, however, it has been exactly what our family has needed to pull together- to sift out the dross of our lives, and to focus on the promised blessings of eternal life and to become an eternal family.
Though our hears are still broken, we take great comfort in knowing that because of Christ All will be made right.
I am still having a very difficult time answering the question, "How are you doing?" If I say, "Fine, or good", I am lying to myself. If I answer honestly, "Terrible, unhappy," people look at me like I am a weirdo. So I do not answer about me, I answer with the "H"ope that we have in Christ. I say, "Because of Christ I am well, How about you?" I feel it is the only right answer to testify of my love for him, and his hand that we have literally seen in our lives- for without him we would be nothing.
Caleb thank you for serving so faithfully on your mission, it is truly a blessing to our family. We hope our actions show you our love by serving with you- by bring much glory and honor to our Father in Heaven, expressing our gratitude for his many tender mercies that he has given to us as a family.
We Love You More Than Words Can Express, Our Buddy Boy!
Love Your Mommy
Tamara remembers how Caleb liked to play line tag with her and Liahona. He even taught Grandpa Brooks how to play Line Tag with them when he came to visit while he was in Chicago for work.
Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to make his own books and would say, "Who wants to check out a book?" And how he would also try to sell his books for .5, .10, and .25 And how he always wanted to make his own library.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb would get upset if we had water to go with our dinners instead of juice. He would say, "Is that water? I don't want water!"
Dad (Eric)remembers how Caleb liked playing church. He would make a talk, get songs to sing, scriptures out to read and sacrament prepared. Then he would gather everyone together and he would conduct give the prayer have everyone sing, give the talk, read from scriptures, pass out the sacrament, and have everyone sing another song.
Monday, May 23, 2011
11 months old
On May 23rd, 2002
You were 11 months old.
You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......
(Soon to be filled in.)
You were 11 months old.
You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......
(Soon to be filled in.)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Season of Easter
Dear Caleb,
Recently, I am finding myself to be weighed down with emotions again- though I should been filled with joy from the promise of the blessings that this Easter Season brings. Our Prophet Thomas S Monson shared this about the Savior, he said, " His example points the way. When faced with temptation, He shunned it. When offered the world, He declined it. When asked for His life, He gave it."
There is NO other season that brings more Hope and gives a sense of Joy to be, as in this Easter Season. A former member of the 12 Apostles, Joseph B Wirthlin said, "Our work here is but a shadow of greater and unimaginable things to come." I look forward to that soon to be Joy so much that I have a very difficult time living this now. I get so impatient and so anxious just to have our family be together again. This temporary separation is so heavy on the heart, and yet I am grateful each day to have this pain because it keeps our family focused and keeps us working harder each day to be worthy of such a grand reward- with being an Eternal Family. It keeps me from falling into the comforts of this world, as I have done so many times before in the past. As is says in 2Nephi 28: 20-21 that so many of us will do this in these Last Days, it says, "At that day shall (the devil) lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well- and thus the devil cheateth their souls." How grateful I am to know better than to say All is Well. Only through Christ will ALL be made well and right. My broken heart rejoices to know that ALL can be made right again, that we can be together again Caleb. It is my only sole focus and goal in this my mortal probation. Any other goals and desires do NOT come close to the drive that I have for us as an Eternal Family. I cannot afford to bring more failure to our family, nor do I ever want to look you in the eyes with regret of what I knew I should have done, but did not. In the musical 'The Music Man' is says, "Live only for tomorrow, and you will have a lot of empty yesterdays." I unfortunately fall into this category. I focus so much on the future with the joy and peace that will come...though I think it is okay at times to do, being a strong remedy to help me keep my focus and to move forward- but it is also my downfall. Just to focus on the future could hurt our family now, keeping that balance is so difficult to do- especially when my broken heart longs to be mended, with being complete as a whole family again. Our Prophet, Thomas S. Monson said, "Your mind is a cupboard, and you stock the shelves." I have so many shelves stuffed with ideas, thoughts, hopes, joys of the future that over powers shelves that I need to use for today. Caleb, I know what I need to do, I know that I need to help our family by helping your siblings now- Here on earth with Dad and I, so that we all can be found worthy to come home, and be together. I really like the words from President Gordon B HInckley, he said, "As we train a new generation, so will the world be in a few years. If you are worried about the future, then look to the upbringing of your children." I do worry so much about our future as a family, but if I follow the counsel of our former Prophet, by focusing on helping Liahona, Tamara, and Montey now, that our future will be made right, that things will work out in the end. I know that our family will have our Happily Ever After Ending someday- though it may take longer than what I would want it to be, but if we can hold out strong, because of Christ ALL will be made right. Our prophet Thomas S Monson said, "We cannot afford to be complacent. We live in perilous times. May we ever follow the Prince of Peace, Who literally showed the way for us to follow, for by doing so, we will survive these turbulent times." Each New day I am so determined to live better, to be better, that I may help our family succeed with what has been allotted to us. We can and WILL do all that is required of us. Our love is too strong to fail us. We So Greatly Love You Buddy Boy.
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to go fishing in the frog pond behind our house in Nebraska. He would get out his fishing pole from the garage and put it together and take it in the backyard to the pond, but he never caught anything. But almost did once says Liahona, she thought it was a baby fish.
Liahona remembers that every time Caleb would sleep in the girls room for Friday Night, Sleepover night, He would jump off the top bunk onto the floor piled with blankets and pillows. And he would say, "You gotta try that! It was Fun!"
Mom(Tanya) remembers how Caleb always wanted to listen to the 'Move It, Move It' song from Madagascar. Plus he loved to switch to the 'Alex on Spot' from Madagascar 2 on playlist.com
Dad(Eric) remembers how Caleb did NOT like germs. And how he wouldn't ever have to remind Caleb to wash his hands because he would always remember to do it himself, all on his own.
Recently, I am finding myself to be weighed down with emotions again- though I should been filled with joy from the promise of the blessings that this Easter Season brings. Our Prophet Thomas S Monson shared this about the Savior, he said, " His example points the way. When faced with temptation, He shunned it. When offered the world, He declined it. When asked for His life, He gave it."
There is NO other season that brings more Hope and gives a sense of Joy to be, as in this Easter Season. A former member of the 12 Apostles, Joseph B Wirthlin said, "Our work here is but a shadow of greater and unimaginable things to come." I look forward to that soon to be Joy so much that I have a very difficult time living this now. I get so impatient and so anxious just to have our family be together again. This temporary separation is so heavy on the heart, and yet I am grateful each day to have this pain because it keeps our family focused and keeps us working harder each day to be worthy of such a grand reward- with being an Eternal Family. It keeps me from falling into the comforts of this world, as I have done so many times before in the past. As is says in 2Nephi 28: 20-21 that so many of us will do this in these Last Days, it says, "At that day shall (the devil) lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well- and thus the devil cheateth their souls." How grateful I am to know better than to say All is Well. Only through Christ will ALL be made well and right. My broken heart rejoices to know that ALL can be made right again, that we can be together again Caleb. It is my only sole focus and goal in this my mortal probation. Any other goals and desires do NOT come close to the drive that I have for us as an Eternal Family. I cannot afford to bring more failure to our family, nor do I ever want to look you in the eyes with regret of what I knew I should have done, but did not. In the musical 'The Music Man' is says, "Live only for tomorrow, and you will have a lot of empty yesterdays." I unfortunately fall into this category. I focus so much on the future with the joy and peace that will come...though I think it is okay at times to do, being a strong remedy to help me keep my focus and to move forward- but it is also my downfall. Just to focus on the future could hurt our family now, keeping that balance is so difficult to do- especially when my broken heart longs to be mended, with being complete as a whole family again. Our Prophet, Thomas S. Monson said, "Your mind is a cupboard, and you stock the shelves." I have so many shelves stuffed with ideas, thoughts, hopes, joys of the future that over powers shelves that I need to use for today. Caleb, I know what I need to do, I know that I need to help our family by helping your siblings now- Here on earth with Dad and I, so that we all can be found worthy to come home, and be together. I really like the words from President Gordon B HInckley, he said, "As we train a new generation, so will the world be in a few years. If you are worried about the future, then look to the upbringing of your children." I do worry so much about our future as a family, but if I follow the counsel of our former Prophet, by focusing on helping Liahona, Tamara, and Montey now, that our future will be made right, that things will work out in the end. I know that our family will have our Happily Ever After Ending someday- though it may take longer than what I would want it to be, but if we can hold out strong, because of Christ ALL will be made right. Our prophet Thomas S Monson said, "We cannot afford to be complacent. We live in perilous times. May we ever follow the Prince of Peace, Who literally showed the way for us to follow, for by doing so, we will survive these turbulent times." Each New day I am so determined to live better, to be better, that I may help our family succeed with what has been allotted to us. We can and WILL do all that is required of us. Our love is too strong to fail us. We So Greatly Love You Buddy Boy.
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb loved to go fishing in the frog pond behind our house in Nebraska. He would get out his fishing pole from the garage and put it together and take it in the backyard to the pond, but he never caught anything. But almost did once says Liahona, she thought it was a baby fish.
Liahona remembers that every time Caleb would sleep in the girls room for Friday Night, Sleepover night, He would jump off the top bunk onto the floor piled with blankets and pillows. And he would say, "You gotta try that! It was Fun!"
Mom(Tanya) remembers how Caleb always wanted to listen to the 'Move It, Move It' song from Madagascar. Plus he loved to switch to the 'Alex on Spot' from Madagascar 2 on playlist.com
Dad(Eric) remembers how Caleb did NOT like germs. And how he wouldn't ever have to remind Caleb to wash his hands because he would always remember to do it himself, all on his own.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
10 months old
On April 23rd, 2002
You were 11 months old.
You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......
(Soon to be filled in.)
You were 11 months old.
You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......
(Soon to be filled in.)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I Cannot Say The Smallest Part
Dear Caleb,
"I cannot say the smallest part which I feel.” (Alma 26:16.) This has been my feelings for this whole month, as I have been taking notes on myself and writing down my thoughts in my journal; this month has been very overwhelmingly difficult for me. I started off some what ok, then I just turned into this emotional ball of mess. Caleb I have to be honest with you, I scare myself sometimes. That may sound weird but honestly when I get these uncontrollable outbreaks, it's almost like I am watching myself and thinking I got to stop this person they are out of control, but I can't. Thankfully this one outbreak/ temper tantrum is over. And thankfully they are becoming less frequent, but it got me thinking why are these happening? After each awkward, unfun, outbreak leaves me super exhausted! I finally came to the realization I get these outbreaks because I am fighting against myself. It's as if My Body and My Spirit are constantly at battle one against another, causing much havoc within myself and for those around me. My Body and Mind constantly want to give into these emotions and to be angry with everything that I do not have that others get it have; angry that others have received the miracles that they wanted and I did not; angry that others received warnings to prevent unfavorable situations and I did not..... these emotions are so wearing on my heart.
But my spirit, oh My Spirit reminds me that Our Father is Real, and blesses us with constant tender mercies to help us get through, day by day. My Spirit reminds me that I am not alone with my heartache, that my older brother Jesus Christ knows them well- for he has felt them. My spirit reminds me that through Christ, ALL will be made right. My Spirit reminds me that I know the gospel is true, that Our Father's ways are greater than ours, for his knowledge is perfect.....
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in the First Presidency of the church said, " To me it appears that our splendid sisters sometimes undervalue their abilities- they focus on what is lacking or imperfect rather than what has been accomplished and who they really are. This can lead to the innate desire to please the Lord to the best of your ability. Unfortunately, it can also lead to frustration, exhaustion, and unhappiness." This statement has my name written all over it. I do tend to focus on the lacking and the imperfect in my life, in our family's life, but it has caused a burning need, an incredible hunger for the words of Christ to strengthen my soul. Yet on the other hand it has caused me much anguish in body- with much unhappiness, for that is all that I am allowing myself to see life with. Caleb, I know that I must be making progress and moving forward, but I just don't see it, nor feel it at times. I feel like I am just hitting the same walls over and over again- being unable to break them down to progress forward. Liahona said quite a profound thing again the other day. We were at the store and she had her quarters to get something from the quarter machines, but it didn't work. So we had to go to the Customer Service counter to get her quarters back. In the car she said she was half sad because she got her quarters back but didn't get her toy that she wanted. I said, yes kind of like how we feel with Caleb gone, we are half sad. She stopped and looked up at me and said, no mom, you can be 1/4 sad and 3/4 happy because we are all still here together. Caleb, this has been my new focus to just be 1/4 unhappy, as I am trying to figure out how to be 3/4 happy.
"Therefore my (daughter), see that you are merciful unto your brethren; deal justly, judge righteously, and do good continually; and if ye do all these things then shall ye receive your reward; yea ye shall have mercy restored unto you again; ye shall have righteous judgement restored unto you again; and ye shall have good rewarded unto you again.
For that which ye do send out shall return unto you again, and be restored." (Alma 41: 14-15)
I know from this scripture that in order to receive the blessed desires of my heart that I must show the Lord through my choices each day that I trust in his omnipotent hand.
From this scripture I can see how important it was for Christ to be our Savior, to help all to be restored, for all to be made right. It is the Only way that this can ever happen. And how important it was for the gospel to be restored and brought back on the earth through the Prophet Joesph Smith. I can rejoice knowing that because we allowed God our Eternal Father to take you out of this world and sending you home- that you Caleb, will return unto us again; And you shall be restored unto us again, that all will be made right.
"I will say that amid all the trials and tribulations we had to wade through, the Lord who well knew our infantile and delicate situation, vouchsafed for us a supply of strength and granted us line upon line of knowledge- here a little and there a little." -Joseph Smith
Elder Richard G. Scott a member of the 12 apostles recently said, "Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow. Character is not developed in moments of great challenge, for that is when it is intended to be used." It is hard to be struggling with what just seems to come so natural to others- living each day. Elder Richard G. Scott continued with, " Life may seem difficult now, but hold on." To hold on when my body is so weak, it almost seems impossible, but thankfully my spirit is strengthen through Christ which has prevented me from easing up on my grip.
I cannot loose sight of this focus and truth. If I don't keep my focus it is as if I am saying that I don't trust that God our Father and Jesus Christ can do all that they have promised. I DO know that all things are possible through and with them, that I know that their promises are sure. And if we are found worthy, we as a family can be granted the desires of our hearts, to be an eternal family and to be with you, Caleb- to come home and live with Our Heavenly Father and Our Savior Jesus Christ again.
"My life is but a weaving,
Between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.
Of times He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride;
Forget that He seeth the upper,
And I the underside.
Not til the loom is silent,
And the shuttles cease to fly;
Shall God unroll the canvas,
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful,
In the weaver's skillful hand;
As the threads of gold and silver,
In the pattern he has planned.
-Al Bryant
Our Love Intensifies as we move forward, and our Longing ever grows so strong- to see and be with you, we only hope will come so soon.
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers walking in and through the frog pond with Caleb, and how the pond water was getting into their shoes.
Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would sing "We'll Bring the World his Truth" and say instead, "We'll bring the world his True."
Mom (Tanya) remembers that Caleb's 1st Chapter book was a Cam Jensen book, called, "The Missing Dinosaur Bone." He loved these books.
Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb liked to throw rocks into the rivers or lakes.
"I cannot say the smallest part which I feel.” (Alma 26:16.) This has been my feelings for this whole month, as I have been taking notes on myself and writing down my thoughts in my journal; this month has been very overwhelmingly difficult for me. I started off some what ok, then I just turned into this emotional ball of mess. Caleb I have to be honest with you, I scare myself sometimes. That may sound weird but honestly when I get these uncontrollable outbreaks, it's almost like I am watching myself and thinking I got to stop this person they are out of control, but I can't. Thankfully this one outbreak/ temper tantrum is over. And thankfully they are becoming less frequent, but it got me thinking why are these happening? After each awkward, unfun, outbreak leaves me super exhausted! I finally came to the realization I get these outbreaks because I am fighting against myself. It's as if My Body and My Spirit are constantly at battle one against another, causing much havoc within myself and for those around me. My Body and Mind constantly want to give into these emotions and to be angry with everything that I do not have that others get it have; angry that others have received the miracles that they wanted and I did not; angry that others received warnings to prevent unfavorable situations and I did not..... these emotions are so wearing on my heart.
But my spirit, oh My Spirit reminds me that Our Father is Real, and blesses us with constant tender mercies to help us get through, day by day. My Spirit reminds me that I am not alone with my heartache, that my older brother Jesus Christ knows them well- for he has felt them. My spirit reminds me that through Christ, ALL will be made right. My Spirit reminds me that I know the gospel is true, that Our Father's ways are greater than ours, for his knowledge is perfect.....
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in the First Presidency of the church said, " To me it appears that our splendid sisters sometimes undervalue their abilities- they focus on what is lacking or imperfect rather than what has been accomplished and who they really are. This can lead to the innate desire to please the Lord to the best of your ability. Unfortunately, it can also lead to frustration, exhaustion, and unhappiness." This statement has my name written all over it. I do tend to focus on the lacking and the imperfect in my life, in our family's life, but it has caused a burning need, an incredible hunger for the words of Christ to strengthen my soul. Yet on the other hand it has caused me much anguish in body- with much unhappiness, for that is all that I am allowing myself to see life with. Caleb, I know that I must be making progress and moving forward, but I just don't see it, nor feel it at times. I feel like I am just hitting the same walls over and over again- being unable to break them down to progress forward. Liahona said quite a profound thing again the other day. We were at the store and she had her quarters to get something from the quarter machines, but it didn't work. So we had to go to the Customer Service counter to get her quarters back. In the car she said she was half sad because she got her quarters back but didn't get her toy that she wanted. I said, yes kind of like how we feel with Caleb gone, we are half sad. She stopped and looked up at me and said, no mom, you can be 1/4 sad and 3/4 happy because we are all still here together. Caleb, this has been my new focus to just be 1/4 unhappy, as I am trying to figure out how to be 3/4 happy.
"Therefore my (daughter), see that you are merciful unto your brethren; deal justly, judge righteously, and do good continually; and if ye do all these things then shall ye receive your reward; yea ye shall have mercy restored unto you again; ye shall have righteous judgement restored unto you again; and ye shall have good rewarded unto you again.
For that which ye do send out shall return unto you again, and be restored." (Alma 41: 14-15)
I know from this scripture that in order to receive the blessed desires of my heart that I must show the Lord through my choices each day that I trust in his omnipotent hand.
From this scripture I can see how important it was for Christ to be our Savior, to help all to be restored, for all to be made right. It is the Only way that this can ever happen. And how important it was for the gospel to be restored and brought back on the earth through the Prophet Joesph Smith. I can rejoice knowing that because we allowed God our Eternal Father to take you out of this world and sending you home- that you Caleb, will return unto us again; And you shall be restored unto us again, that all will be made right.
"I will say that amid all the trials and tribulations we had to wade through, the Lord who well knew our infantile and delicate situation, vouchsafed for us a supply of strength and granted us line upon line of knowledge- here a little and there a little." -Joseph Smith
Elder Richard G. Scott a member of the 12 apostles recently said, "Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a time before that answer comes. That causes your faith to increase and your character to grow. Character is not developed in moments of great challenge, for that is when it is intended to be used." It is hard to be struggling with what just seems to come so natural to others- living each day. Elder Richard G. Scott continued with, " Life may seem difficult now, but hold on." To hold on when my body is so weak, it almost seems impossible, but thankfully my spirit is strengthen through Christ which has prevented me from easing up on my grip.
I cannot loose sight of this focus and truth. If I don't keep my focus it is as if I am saying that I don't trust that God our Father and Jesus Christ can do all that they have promised. I DO know that all things are possible through and with them, that I know that their promises are sure. And if we are found worthy, we as a family can be granted the desires of our hearts, to be an eternal family and to be with you, Caleb- to come home and live with Our Heavenly Father and Our Savior Jesus Christ again.
"My life is but a weaving,
Between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.
Of times He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride;
Forget that He seeth the upper,
And I the underside.
Not til the loom is silent,
And the shuttles cease to fly;
Shall God unroll the canvas,
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful,
In the weaver's skillful hand;
As the threads of gold and silver,
In the pattern he has planned.
-Al Bryant
Our Love Intensifies as we move forward, and our Longing ever grows so strong- to see and be with you, we only hope will come so soon.
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers walking in and through the frog pond with Caleb, and how the pond water was getting into their shoes.
Liahona remembers how her and Caleb would sing "We'll Bring the World his Truth" and say instead, "We'll bring the world his True."
Mom (Tanya) remembers that Caleb's 1st Chapter book was a Cam Jensen book, called, "The Missing Dinosaur Bone." He loved these books.
Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb liked to throw rocks into the rivers or lakes.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
9 Months Old
On March 23rd, 2002
You were 11 months old.
You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......
(Soon to be filled in.)
You were 11 months old.
You were doing......
We were living......
You were starting to.......
(Soon to be filled in.)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Feelings Of A Tender Heart
Dear Caleb,
The feelings of my heart have been so tender this past month. As a family we have fulfilled our promise to you and your siblings, to take you guys to Disneyland, once daddy finished his school in Nebraska. It was one of the most difficult trips to go on. I prayed that we would feel the Lord's hand to help make this trip go well, and that we would feel of your excitement and joy. It was suppose to rain the whole time we were there, but weeks before, I prayed for a miracle that the rains would hold long enough for us to do all that we came to do. It poured rain as we got there and got to our hotel, and all night long. But once we woke up the sun was shinning, and all day long we were able to do day 1 of our family outing with nice weather. I kept saying "Thank you Heavenly Father", after I would say, "It is such a nice day." On day two, it was sunny again and we got finished with everything at 3pm in the afternoon and then the rains came down. It was not a coincidence, as some would think. I knew that Heavenly Father was helping us to have nice weather, for it was his was of telling us that he loved us, and wanted us to have a successful and happy trip as a family, as we are trying to build those memories as a family again. Tears filled my eyes as I expressed again in my heart, of my Gratitude for his hand, in keeping the weather good- just long enough for us to do all that we came to do. I was filled with so much joy in my heart, as I was able to recognize this tender mercy that the Lord had given to our family. This trip was healing for us, even to the point that when the rain did come, it did not ruin the rest of the evening. We just put on our ponchos and played some more as a family. This was the biggest highlight of the whole trip for me Caleb. Seeing and Having the help of an All knowing Father in Heaven helping us, even when we are on vacation. To be reminded that he is aware of what we need, even before we ask for it. I feel that with everything that I am truly indebted to him, and almost guilty, for I think am I really worthy of such love? I feel I owe him and you and the family so much, after everything. I am so cautious with my actions, I do not dare bring more upon our family, and yet I still fail to live my expectations each day. I so easily get upset with myself if I can't make the best of each day, with being better, and keeping that eternal perspective in all that I do, say, and act.
I cannot let my heart fail me, as my mind does oh so much. My current prayer is that I plead to Father that he will help my heart to not fail me, that my faith and focus will stay strong. That I will not be distracted or allow myself to be comforted by the things of this world. The only true and lasting comfort is in the arms of our Savior, our brother who knows the very pain and heartaches that we carry because he has felt them. The word enduring is not one for the faint of heart. Some days I think to myself, "I am gonna crack, I am gonna crack...." Trying to keep it together day after day after day, can be so wearing on the heart. A well loved apostle of the Lord, Neal A. Maxwell said this about enduring, "By taking Jesus' yoke upon us enduring, we learn most deeply of him and especially how to be like him. Even though our experiences are mirco compared to his, the process is the same." No one every 'wants' to have change whether it be big or small, it can be a scary thing; even the Lord was scared when that bitter cup was held up to him- but unlike us, he was willing to partake. The Apostle Paul said in Hebrews 12:11, "Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yielded the peaceable fruit of righteousness." I look to my Savior now, he is happier beyond measure. Those moment of grief and pain were but a moment and now he will have eternal joy and rest. Caleb, so why does this 'small' moment seem so long already, when we still have much left to do here? Everyday, it is the same, I see myself and my life but I feel like I am watching it- it does not seem real. This alternate life without you with us is so awkward. I don't know how to act, I don't know what to think, I don't know how to just be. I am just not getting it, it is so confusing of what to do next, I am completely dumbfounded of how to move with this world, and with it's pace.
I was reading more of Elder Maxwell's talk about enduring and this comment really stood out to me, he said, "If certain mortal experiences were cut short, it would be like pulling up a flower to see how the roots are doing. Put another way, too many anxious openings of the oven door, and the cake falls instead of rising. Moreover, enforced change usually does not last, while productive enduring can ingrain permanent change." I know it's not my time, that would be the easy way out, nor would I get to learn all that is entrusted to me to learn. For those reasons I know that to be here with your dad and siblings is where I need to be, but this enduring.... I'll tell you it is some bitter work. Of which I hope someday will change to sweetened joy, that I may only cry evermore with tears of joy and happiness.
Elder Maxwell also said, "Endurance is more than a pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstances; it is not only acceptance of the things allotted to us, it is to 'act for ourselves' (Alma 29:3,6) by magnifying what is allotted to us." It is easy to go up and down with the emotions, cuz that just naturally happens on it's own, but to accept it and to turn it into a positive, now that is the tricky part. I'll have to be honest with you Caleb, I have yet to find out how to make that work? How do I magnify with what has been given to us? I am determined though, to figure it out. This will not be wasted time, but it will be full of purpose, of which I hope comes soon. I think others see that we are at point A and soon with 'time' we will be at point B and things will get easier, but Elder Maxwell said this truthful statement, "True endurance represents not merely the passage of time, but the passage of the soul- and not merely from A to B, but sometimes all the way from A to Z." We have our eyes on that Z like no other. We know that it is going to be a long one, and we are holding on tight for the long hold.
Even as Elder Maxwell said, "...When we are being tossed about by the surf of circumstance, even when a seeming under tow grasps us, somehow in the tumbling, we are being carried forward, though battered and bruised." I literally do not know how we manage to move forward, as people tell us, "Wow, I could not do that, how do you keep moving forward?" The only answer that comes to my mind is, that we truly are being carried, because we literally could not do it on our own.
But from all this experience it has given me quite the sense and desire to find others who's hearts are broken and downtrodden like mine. I have felt the sense of the magic peace of healing that comes from mourning with those that mourn, and comforting those that stand in need of comfort- for it helps comfort my own tender heart. Just like Elder Maxwell said, "When, for the moment, we ourselves are not being stretched on a particular cross, we ought to be at the foot of someone Else's- full of empathy and proffering spiritual refreshment."
All this sorrow and ache has caused my mind to be opened and broadened, giving my heart much yearning for that greater joy, that I would have not been able to have space or room for in the past. But now, it has caused me to have much, much, much more to be looking forward to: to learn, to experience, to receive the greatest joy there in- Eternal Life, and being an Eternal Family. Some days I think, the Lord must really trust our family to be given this, but I know that just as Christ was given his bitter cup to drink from, so must we. I am just hoping that we can say like Christ our Savior on the cross, "It is finished." Christ was the best finisher, the best example of accepting the bitter cup, and acting appropriately after. Even with our much, much smaller scale of our cup, I hope that as a family we can say, "It is finished. We did all that you Lord, had for us to do and learn. It is done." I am so grateful for the scriptures to be reminded after all that happens in our lives that, 'The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?' (D&C 122:8) I know that we are not, and never will be, so we drink and partake with honor- and carry it boldly for the Lord, to show our Love and Respect for him and what he has done for us. For he, our Brother, has made it possible for ALL TO BE MADE RIGHT. Caleb, I know this to be true will all the fiber of my being.
We love you so much Caleb, this work is tough, but as a family- We Can Do It.
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers at bedtime after scripture and prayer how Caleb started the game, hide from dad. And dad would find them and then carry them all to bed.
Liahona remembers how Caleb loved to play out in the rain.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how self motivated Caleb was, when he wanted to do something, like; ride his bike. he would quickly accomplish it.
Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb loved to watch the wipe out show with him.
The feelings of my heart have been so tender this past month. As a family we have fulfilled our promise to you and your siblings, to take you guys to Disneyland, once daddy finished his school in Nebraska. It was one of the most difficult trips to go on. I prayed that we would feel the Lord's hand to help make this trip go well, and that we would feel of your excitement and joy. It was suppose to rain the whole time we were there, but weeks before, I prayed for a miracle that the rains would hold long enough for us to do all that we came to do. It poured rain as we got there and got to our hotel, and all night long. But once we woke up the sun was shinning, and all day long we were able to do day 1 of our family outing with nice weather. I kept saying "Thank you Heavenly Father", after I would say, "It is such a nice day." On day two, it was sunny again and we got finished with everything at 3pm in the afternoon and then the rains came down. It was not a coincidence, as some would think. I knew that Heavenly Father was helping us to have nice weather, for it was his was of telling us that he loved us, and wanted us to have a successful and happy trip as a family, as we are trying to build those memories as a family again. Tears filled my eyes as I expressed again in my heart, of my Gratitude for his hand, in keeping the weather good- just long enough for us to do all that we came to do. I was filled with so much joy in my heart, as I was able to recognize this tender mercy that the Lord had given to our family. This trip was healing for us, even to the point that when the rain did come, it did not ruin the rest of the evening. We just put on our ponchos and played some more as a family. This was the biggest highlight of the whole trip for me Caleb. Seeing and Having the help of an All knowing Father in Heaven helping us, even when we are on vacation. To be reminded that he is aware of what we need, even before we ask for it. I feel that with everything that I am truly indebted to him, and almost guilty, for I think am I really worthy of such love? I feel I owe him and you and the family so much, after everything. I am so cautious with my actions, I do not dare bring more upon our family, and yet I still fail to live my expectations each day. I so easily get upset with myself if I can't make the best of each day, with being better, and keeping that eternal perspective in all that I do, say, and act.
I cannot let my heart fail me, as my mind does oh so much. My current prayer is that I plead to Father that he will help my heart to not fail me, that my faith and focus will stay strong. That I will not be distracted or allow myself to be comforted by the things of this world. The only true and lasting comfort is in the arms of our Savior, our brother who knows the very pain and heartaches that we carry because he has felt them. The word enduring is not one for the faint of heart. Some days I think to myself, "I am gonna crack, I am gonna crack...." Trying to keep it together day after day after day, can be so wearing on the heart. A well loved apostle of the Lord, Neal A. Maxwell said this about enduring, "By taking Jesus' yoke upon us enduring, we learn most deeply of him and especially how to be like him. Even though our experiences are mirco compared to his, the process is the same." No one every 'wants' to have change whether it be big or small, it can be a scary thing; even the Lord was scared when that bitter cup was held up to him- but unlike us, he was willing to partake. The Apostle Paul said in Hebrews 12:11, "Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yielded the peaceable fruit of righteousness." I look to my Savior now, he is happier beyond measure. Those moment of grief and pain were but a moment and now he will have eternal joy and rest. Caleb, so why does this 'small' moment seem so long already, when we still have much left to do here? Everyday, it is the same, I see myself and my life but I feel like I am watching it- it does not seem real. This alternate life without you with us is so awkward. I don't know how to act, I don't know what to think, I don't know how to just be. I am just not getting it, it is so confusing of what to do next, I am completely dumbfounded of how to move with this world, and with it's pace.
I was reading more of Elder Maxwell's talk about enduring and this comment really stood out to me, he said, "If certain mortal experiences were cut short, it would be like pulling up a flower to see how the roots are doing. Put another way, too many anxious openings of the oven door, and the cake falls instead of rising. Moreover, enforced change usually does not last, while productive enduring can ingrain permanent change." I know it's not my time, that would be the easy way out, nor would I get to learn all that is entrusted to me to learn. For those reasons I know that to be here with your dad and siblings is where I need to be, but this enduring.... I'll tell you it is some bitter work. Of which I hope someday will change to sweetened joy, that I may only cry evermore with tears of joy and happiness.
Elder Maxwell also said, "Endurance is more than a pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstances; it is not only acceptance of the things allotted to us, it is to 'act for ourselves' (Alma 29:3,6) by magnifying what is allotted to us." It is easy to go up and down with the emotions, cuz that just naturally happens on it's own, but to accept it and to turn it into a positive, now that is the tricky part. I'll have to be honest with you Caleb, I have yet to find out how to make that work? How do I magnify with what has been given to us? I am determined though, to figure it out. This will not be wasted time, but it will be full of purpose, of which I hope comes soon. I think others see that we are at point A and soon with 'time' we will be at point B and things will get easier, but Elder Maxwell said this truthful statement, "True endurance represents not merely the passage of time, but the passage of the soul- and not merely from A to B, but sometimes all the way from A to Z." We have our eyes on that Z like no other. We know that it is going to be a long one, and we are holding on tight for the long hold.
Even as Elder Maxwell said, "...When we are being tossed about by the surf of circumstance, even when a seeming under tow grasps us, somehow in the tumbling, we are being carried forward, though battered and bruised." I literally do not know how we manage to move forward, as people tell us, "Wow, I could not do that, how do you keep moving forward?" The only answer that comes to my mind is, that we truly are being carried, because we literally could not do it on our own.
But from all this experience it has given me quite the sense and desire to find others who's hearts are broken and downtrodden like mine. I have felt the sense of the magic peace of healing that comes from mourning with those that mourn, and comforting those that stand in need of comfort- for it helps comfort my own tender heart. Just like Elder Maxwell said, "When, for the moment, we ourselves are not being stretched on a particular cross, we ought to be at the foot of someone Else's- full of empathy and proffering spiritual refreshment."
All this sorrow and ache has caused my mind to be opened and broadened, giving my heart much yearning for that greater joy, that I would have not been able to have space or room for in the past. But now, it has caused me to have much, much, much more to be looking forward to: to learn, to experience, to receive the greatest joy there in- Eternal Life, and being an Eternal Family. Some days I think, the Lord must really trust our family to be given this, but I know that just as Christ was given his bitter cup to drink from, so must we. I am just hoping that we can say like Christ our Savior on the cross, "It is finished." Christ was the best finisher, the best example of accepting the bitter cup, and acting appropriately after. Even with our much, much smaller scale of our cup, I hope that as a family we can say, "It is finished. We did all that you Lord, had for us to do and learn. It is done." I am so grateful for the scriptures to be reminded after all that happens in our lives that, 'The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?' (D&C 122:8) I know that we are not, and never will be, so we drink and partake with honor- and carry it boldly for the Lord, to show our Love and Respect for him and what he has done for us. For he, our Brother, has made it possible for ALL TO BE MADE RIGHT. Caleb, I know this to be true will all the fiber of my being.
We love you so much Caleb, this work is tough, but as a family- We Can Do It.
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers at bedtime after scripture and prayer how Caleb started the game, hide from dad. And dad would find them and then carry them all to bed.
Liahona remembers how Caleb loved to play out in the rain.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how self motivated Caleb was, when he wanted to do something, like; ride his bike. he would quickly accomplish it.
Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb loved to watch the wipe out show with him.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
8 Months Old
On February 23, 2001, You were 8 months old.
.You loved to crawl around our apartment in Spokane Washington. Dad was in Nursing school, and took much of his time, plus he worked at Holy Family Hospital after school and doing night shifts on the weekends. We walked to friendship park a lot near the apartment, you loved the swings. Our apartment was on the first floor and we had a nice patio where you liked to pick up rock after rock and throw them, and even try to eat them.
.You loved to play in the little water pool that I filled with different things, like: dirt, rice, shredded paper, flour (but never with water because I was too afraid you would drown). And you did quite well for the most part keeping these things out of your mouth. You just love the feel of different things and I didn't mind letting you get dirty and explore this world.
.You were a super fun baby at this age. You didn't have colic and scream all the time, but you still woke up at night often.
.But the biggest thing that you loved to do was pull out all my books on our small book shelf. That would keep you entertained for hours, as long as i kept reshelving it after you pulled everything out.
.You loved to crawl around our apartment in Spokane Washington. Dad was in Nursing school, and took much of his time, plus he worked at Holy Family Hospital after school and doing night shifts on the weekends. We walked to friendship park a lot near the apartment, you loved the swings. Our apartment was on the first floor and we had a nice patio where you liked to pick up rock after rock and throw them, and even try to eat them.
.You loved to play in the little water pool that I filled with different things, like: dirt, rice, shredded paper, flour (but never with water because I was too afraid you would drown). And you did quite well for the most part keeping these things out of your mouth. You just love the feel of different things and I didn't mind letting you get dirty and explore this world.
.You were a super fun baby at this age. You didn't have colic and scream all the time, but you still woke up at night often.
.But the biggest thing that you loved to do was pull out all my books on our small book shelf. That would keep you entertained for hours, as long as i kept reshelving it after you pulled everything out.
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Love of a Father in Heaven
Dear Caleb,
Here we are in a New Year, the year 2011. It brings much uneasiness to me knowing that we get to start another one- though I am determined to make this year a better use of my borrowed time from the Lord.
Last year I could not have told you if I had strong enough faith to keep me from falling apart with grief and a broken heart. The pain was so strong that I thought I would suffer eternally from all the effects of it's nasty grip. There were so many times that I had to ask myself, "If there was a God who loved us, WHY on earth would he let this happen to us? Weren't we good people? Weren't we living a decent life that would please him?" I could not believe that this ALL loving Father in Heaven that I have been taught as a child would purposely cause pain to our lives. I knew that couldn't be so, but I couldn't help but feel then, that maybe if we would have done better or been better, then he would have loved us more and stopped what had happened.
I have better come to know that I really did NOT understand the true nature of God's Love for me, and for all his children. Our Father in Heaven "Maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." (Matthew 5:45) Caleb, I know that our Father Loves us with much greatness in his heart, and he does not send us this to cause us grief. Just like in Hebrews12:6 says, "Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth." This experience has caused us to pause in ALL things in life, and to look at life in a different perspective... out of survival towards the Lord. To receive escape from the awful jaws of darkness, of anger, of depression, the thoughts of hurting oneself, the confusion... oh the confusion of the inner conflict between body and soul. Having to experience that, the unknown, is what we really were scared of- And where to go from there? At those moments, in those moments- where can one really turn to for "Real" relief? Who can possibly be strong enough to help one emerge from that torment of inner conflict.
Caleb, oh sweet Caleb, words cannot describe effectively of how I have finally and truly tasted of the goodness, from The One, the only one who truly knows my aches and pains. These have weighted me down in misery for so long. I can now finally sing that inner song of Redeeming Love. All this chastening has caused our family to come together with purpose and focus. I know better now because of this experience to NEVER say again, "If the Lord loved us, why would he do this to us?" For that is backwards. He gives us these experiences because he loves us. Though the trials may not be favorable at all, or ever be what we would like to go through, or have happen to us... It is through and from these experiences that we can be of help to others. For only after experiencing what we have felt, to know of the pain and grief that comes from it- can we bring "True" and "Real" support to help comfort others.
Neal A. Maxwell, a former member of the 12 Apostles said, "We all may go through a part of the Gethsemane, with the Lord to know deep sorrow, so that we can through Christ triumph over these trials, that we may become stronger." In 1st Peter chapter 4: 12-13 says, "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, though some strange thing happened unto you; But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy."
Because of Heavenly Father's love for us, he is hoping that we will come out refined and much stronger than ever before. He does not send us here on earth to suffer but to gain wisdom, knowledge and understanding; that we can become more like him... full of love for others who ache and hurt and suffer as we once did; that we may help them in their bitterness of times.I am thankful for the thorns in life, Christ too had lived a life with thorns, but because of him, the Thorns of Life are now A Crown of Glory. Of whom I only hope that I am worthy someday to see of the prints in his hands and feet and to be called by name and told, "Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth. " (Alma 5:16)
We Love you Dear Buddy Boy, we greatly look forward to the day when our broken hearts will be replaced with much Rejoicing- when we get to be a complete family again. Keep up the grand missionary work you are doing. We are ever so proud of you.
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers that she threw up near Caleb's head, when she was on the top bunk bed and Caleb was sleeping on the girls floor.
Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to try new weird things, like dipping his carrots in ketchup.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb like to play dominos and try to get them all to stand up, then he would knock the all down with just 1 tap.
Dad (Eric) remembers how proud Caleb was of himself when he would make skid marks on the ground with his bike, that he would get everyone to come see them.
Here we are in a New Year, the year 2011. It brings much uneasiness to me knowing that we get to start another one- though I am determined to make this year a better use of my borrowed time from the Lord.
Last year I could not have told you if I had strong enough faith to keep me from falling apart with grief and a broken heart. The pain was so strong that I thought I would suffer eternally from all the effects of it's nasty grip. There were so many times that I had to ask myself, "If there was a God who loved us, WHY on earth would he let this happen to us? Weren't we good people? Weren't we living a decent life that would please him?" I could not believe that this ALL loving Father in Heaven that I have been taught as a child would purposely cause pain to our lives. I knew that couldn't be so, but I couldn't help but feel then, that maybe if we would have done better or been better, then he would have loved us more and stopped what had happened.
I have better come to know that I really did NOT understand the true nature of God's Love for me, and for all his children. Our Father in Heaven "Maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." (Matthew 5:45) Caleb, I know that our Father Loves us with much greatness in his heart, and he does not send us this to cause us grief. Just like in Hebrews12:6 says, "Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth." This experience has caused us to pause in ALL things in life, and to look at life in a different perspective... out of survival towards the Lord. To receive escape from the awful jaws of darkness, of anger, of depression, the thoughts of hurting oneself, the confusion... oh the confusion of the inner conflict between body and soul. Having to experience that, the unknown, is what we really were scared of- And where to go from there? At those moments, in those moments- where can one really turn to for "Real" relief? Who can possibly be strong enough to help one emerge from that torment of inner conflict.
Caleb, oh sweet Caleb, words cannot describe effectively of how I have finally and truly tasted of the goodness, from The One, the only one who truly knows my aches and pains. These have weighted me down in misery for so long. I can now finally sing that inner song of Redeeming Love. All this chastening has caused our family to come together with purpose and focus. I know better now because of this experience to NEVER say again, "If the Lord loved us, why would he do this to us?" For that is backwards. He gives us these experiences because he loves us. Though the trials may not be favorable at all, or ever be what we would like to go through, or have happen to us... It is through and from these experiences that we can be of help to others. For only after experiencing what we have felt, to know of the pain and grief that comes from it- can we bring "True" and "Real" support to help comfort others.
Neal A. Maxwell, a former member of the 12 Apostles said, "We all may go through a part of the Gethsemane, with the Lord to know deep sorrow, so that we can through Christ triumph over these trials, that we may become stronger." In 1st Peter chapter 4: 12-13 says, "Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, though some strange thing happened unto you; But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy."
Because of Heavenly Father's love for us, he is hoping that we will come out refined and much stronger than ever before. He does not send us here on earth to suffer but to gain wisdom, knowledge and understanding; that we can become more like him... full of love for others who ache and hurt and suffer as we once did; that we may help them in their bitterness of times.I am thankful for the thorns in life, Christ too had lived a life with thorns, but because of him, the Thorns of Life are now A Crown of Glory. Of whom I only hope that I am worthy someday to see of the prints in his hands and feet and to be called by name and told, "Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth. " (Alma 5:16)
We Love you Dear Buddy Boy, we greatly look forward to the day when our broken hearts will be replaced with much Rejoicing- when we get to be a complete family again. Keep up the grand missionary work you are doing. We are ever so proud of you.
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers that she threw up near Caleb's head, when she was on the top bunk bed and Caleb was sleeping on the girls floor.
Liahona remembers how Caleb liked to try new weird things, like dipping his carrots in ketchup.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb like to play dominos and try to get them all to stand up, then he would knock the all down with just 1 tap.
Dad (Eric) remembers how proud Caleb was of himself when he would make skid marks on the ground with his bike, that he would get everyone to come see them.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
7 months old
On the 23rd of January 2002, you were 7 months old it was very snowy and cold in Cheney Washington. Our apartment stayed warm well, since we were on the top floor. It was in the summer times that was difficult with all the heat, and trying to stay cool. We couldn't leave our balcony door open because i was always afraid you would roll your way out the door and down to the concrete parking lot. I was a BIG worry wart with everything when it came to you. I had the hardest time when you cried excessively with colic, I thought I was the world's worst mother because I couldn't comfort you. I put you first before anyone, including your father... something that only got worse with each child as they came. Something that I am finally starting to do better in. (Well at least I hope so.)
Things that you were doing at this age was:
(still trying to find the book, will fill in later.)
Things that you were doing at this age was:
(still trying to find the book, will fill in later.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
