~~We LOVE The Gospel Of Jesus Christ~~

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Saturday, May 25, 2013

We are so LUCKY!

Dear Caleb, It is funny how things that once seemed impossible to fathom, has because our current reality, and yet it doesn't even seem impossible to handle anymore. Though it still isn't fun, or even what I would like to still live with, but I am done fighting the unwanted change, there is nothing I can do about it. And I am ready to just be content with it, and allow our new normal to take its course. We are moving again, making this our 12th move as a family. I am in a position with my emotions that I never thought I would be; a part of healing that I thought would never come- nor ever for saw what could become. I wanted to stay miserable, for that is what I thought I only deserved. I wanted to stay withdrawn because it was an easier place to be, then in the present. I felt that I was unworthy to be loved and trusted, and I couldn't put especially our family in such a situation that would compromise another slip up from me as their mother. How nervous I have been to be a mother since then. How untrusting I have felt in my lack of abilities to care and be there for your siblings. I felt that if I could just keep the distance, it would protect the family from my mishaps. I couldn't have ever been MORE wrong. It hasn't helped, but has only hindered any glimmer of enjoyment together. For the heart of the mother, is the center of the family. And if she isn't happy or there emotionally, everything gets shifted, and everyone gets caught in the whirl wind. This has been our challenge these almost 4 years, but they are Caleb, they are no more. It is not a path that I want to be on anymore. I have hurt our family long enough and it is time for me to show them that because I love them, I want to be here emotionally. There is no point in being here physically if I have already checked myself out, but I am here physically, so it is time for me to be here emotionally too. Montey has been sleeping in your room, 'The Boys Room,’ he calls it. He said, 'Mom when Caleb comes I ask him if I can sleep on his bed.' He has been sleeping on your floor and tucks your picture in next to him. As I tucked both of you in the other night Montey said, "Mom. Caleb and I are twins. I look like him, and he looks like me." I said with tears in my eyes, "I know, isn't that awesome!" It both hurts my heart and makes me rejoice all at the same time. Sometimes I have to do double takes, because there are times that I swear I see you Caleb. But then when I realize it's just Montey, my heart stops fluttering. Gosh Caleb I cannot wait for that day to actually see you running towards us, we miss and ache for you more than any words could ever express. There is still such a whole in our hearts, in our family- and yet there is just nothing we can do about it. Next month you are turning 12 in our minds and hearts, though life would tell us otherwise. This is the very year, the very time that I have been dreading since after the accident. You will be graduating from church Primary and going into Young Men’s, receiving the Aaronic priesthood, passing the sacrament and starting boy scouts. Every Sunday I watch these sweet 12-year-old boys pass the sacrament and my heart sinks, and tears stream from my eyes thinking that my time is postponed for a time to see you serve in such a manner. How well you would have served, how much you would have enjoyed, how special this time would have been. Only recently have your birthday's been seen in a different light for me. How many people get the chance to celebrate their child's 12th birthday twice?! We are so lucky. We get to celebrate now and enjoy what will be. And get to celebrate again later when these things finally do take place. We are indeed LUCKY!! So, instead of dreading your birthday, I am anxiously looking forward to it. It doesn't mean that my heart won't ache and hurt, and tears won't be streaming down my face- because they will. But it does mean that Heavenly Father continues to keep his promise, that we will not be given more than we can handle. And who knew all along? Our Father in Heaven, that is who. For it is not that we are born strong, for being strong is not something that we are, it is something that we have to learn to become. And there is NO better strength that we are given and lent, then what comes from our Savior Jesus Christ. I know that it is only through his goodness that I am even able to smile and stand with what this difficulty has caused my back to change shape. How I have been made whole with peace of mind and contentment from the faith of just a simple outstretched hand, touching just the hem of his robe in desperation. Thank goodness he had compassion on me and turned to take my trembling hand. I love you so much Caleb. Thank you for being our inspiration and pushing us closer together. We will be together again soon. Love Your Mommy