Dear Caleb Boy,
We have been making a family memory journal about you since the day after the accident. I was wanting to get 365 memories before the New Year so I could make 'A Memory a Day' calendar for us to enjoy throughout this whole next year ahead of us, taking you with us into our new journeys. We have 484 entries written down in your honor, and it keeps growing everyday. How grateful we are to know that these memories are ours forever, and no one can ever take them away from us. As we re-read them, we can't help but laugh and giggle as we remember with you, the great and funny things that you did, that brought us all so much joy. The pain is still very painful at times, but we don't allow ourselves to go there, or else we could get too deep over our heads, which would just make things harder with the healing and pressing onward. Of which in the scriptures we are reminded of that very thing when the Prophet Joseph Smith spoke to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 1842 in Nauvoo Illinois, "Brethren, shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad. Let the earth break forth into singing. Let the dead speak forth anthems of eternal praise to the King Immanuel, who hath ordained, before the world was, that which would enable us to redeem them out of their prison; for the prisoners shall go free." We have so much trust and love in the Savior that we know that what he promises will indeed come to pass, and is indeed true. Perhaps people may say, "But to put your trust completely in the hands of God, is weak. For we are strong and we can carry our own weight. For is it a silly thing to fully put your trust in something, or someone you can't see? " To them we can say, that it surely does NOT make one weak. After the accident my body hurt incredibly after the wreck. And on top of it, my body felt to be as heavy as lead, and I literally could NOT get out of bed on my own. Our bodies are weak, as to our flesh. But yet I still had duties and responsibilities as a mother to my 3 other children and as a wife, and just as being me. For all the strength of my own was NOT enough, I am humble enough to admit that. Lying there in my bed powerless, but knowing that I could not stay there, I knew that I had to do something. I have only heard that the power of prayer was a very strong source of strength, however I am also humble to admit that I didn't fully understand what that meant. UNTIL now! I started to pray harder than I have ever prayed before, pleading for help to move, the strength to be able to handle the demands of being a mom, a wife, and just me. Somehow in small forms, little by little each day I managed to survive yet another day, with just enough energy to climb into bed to just start yet another day..... The aches and pains were terribly strong, and from moving throughout the day they seemed to make the pains stronger once I laid down on my bed. But throughout the day as I kept moving, they didn't seems to hold me back, in doing my duties, and fulfilling my responsibilities. Then it hit me one day, the strength that came was indeed NOT my own, for I could not do all my duties that needed to be done each day, I just wanted to lay in my bed and sleep forever... on my own it was physically impossible. So what have I learned from all of this? That all that extra strength that came to my aide at the time I needed it was completely from the Lord, through my pleading prayers, little by little my he allowed me that ease and help to bear my earthly burden. This challenge is defiantly the hardest that I have ever had to endure. The constant physical reminders of each day from the loss of your sweet presence, pulls at our very heartstrings. Though now the pain is strong, our JOY WILL be even GREATER then.
The other Saturday, I finished our journey that we had started Caleb. I drove out to the crash site and found the scout store there in Walton. It wasn't too far, and yes we were heading in the right direction, and because we did not make it to our destination, I wanted to finish it for us. It was one of the hardest days I have had since the wreck. As I walked into the scout store I had so many negative emotions that flooded my mind, as I tearfully gathered the pocket knife and scout shirt that we were planning on getting for you, and placed everything on the counter to purchase all my tears came pouring out, leaving the poor lady speechless. I attempted through my sobs to explain our journey that was never finished, and that I was here finishing our journey. And then she handed me my items and said have a nice day. I balled all the way out to the car, in the car, and all the way home. Then after a long 5months our Neon was finally released from those that were investigating the wreck. I have been thinking long and hard about whether or not to go see the car in person once it was released, and I realized that I did NOT need that for my personal healing, and how this would actually make it worse for me instead of helping me heal. Eric and a wonderful family friend John, went to gather our belongs from the car. There are 2 big bags full of items that were from inside the Neon, including your shoes and mine. Dad said finding your shoes was one of the emotionally hardest parts to have had to deal with there. We were unable to get back any of your personal belongs from the wreck. And I really wanted your red soccer shirt back and your favorite army shoes that you were wearing. Now we have your favorite lucky shoes back, of which I am so glad to have. We are hoping to get special new soccer shirts in your honor from the company that made them for Capital Soccer Association league that you played on.
You know Caleb, all and all we are doing Okay, you can't blame us for not doing any better, and most likely that's all we will ever be for the rest of our mortal lives. In which we are ever so grateful for the promised blessing of being an eternal family. That you will always have your place in our little family, the Oldest big brother. Even though we miss you more each day, we are grateful to know that we are ONE DAY closer to you as each passes by. We love you! Love Your Mommy
Our Family Memories:
We remember for Montey that Caleb would not only wrestle with him, but would often encourage it.
Tamara remembers how Caleb would go crazy happy when onions were being served with dinner. And how he would pick them out of his salad and eat them plain.
Liahona remembers how Caleb taught her how to drink from the refrigerator waterspout without using a cup. And how they both enjoyed getting a drink of water this way.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb taught her how to play Pokémon and do the math to keep track to see who would win.
Dad (Eric) remembers how Caleb likes to play darts. And how he would often get competitive and disappointed when he threw a bad shot, but then he would get very excited and proud of himself when he threw a good shot, especially when it was better than dad.
