Journeying of Enduring

Dear Caleb,

My body can always sense that it is time to visit with you. Here we are on the 24th again, and life has been full of trickling emotions since the rippling effects from the ringer of holidays.
To sort out the emotions into words is a very hard thing to do. Mainly because words can never go deep enough to explain 'the how' of the tender feelings of the heart.  But i know that you will always understand my babblings, so here it goes...

So much of the whirl wind continues to blow, though I try so hard to remind myself to stay in the eye of each storm- where it is clam, where you can stay in one place and not get knocked down continuously. It is so hard to pick myself up each time one occurs. Trying to smile through the gusts of emotions and reminding myself to be happy, be happy- it is not as easy as one would think. I know it is a choice to be happy, but I have learned that it is not like a light switch that one can suddenly switch on and immediately "be happy." But telling myself to be happy, get happy, become happy... well the funny thing is that it is not making me happy. The phrase, 'fake it til you make it', has been my hope in someday truly being able to naturally be happy again. I know it is possible, I can feel moments of it coming into our lives again, some more then others, but it is there and it is coming.

I am reminded of this one time with the Mormon Pioneer Saints, when it looked like there was no sign of hope, no sign of miracles to bring forth the happiness of Zion that they were looking for. It was in December of 1838, The Prophet Joseph Smith, with a few others were prisoners in Liberty Jail in Missouri. This jail had no heat. They were kept in the basement with little light and little food to eat. The floor was filthy, and the ceiling was incredibly low that prevented them to have the ability to stand up straight. And on top of that, the Saint had been driven from their homes from the extermination order from the Governor, Lilburn W. Boggs.

Where were the little miracles to keep their smiles on their faces? Where were the ray of lights that showed the way? This is exactly what the Prophet asked God. He said, "O, God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" They were held prisoners for 4 long, cold, miserable months. I know the blessings that are promised to those whom continue to put their faith in God, and allow the love of Jesus Christ to carry us down the paths that we have been trusted to walk. Four years has been our long walk of, "O, God, where art thou?" I know the joy that will come, and will be ours someday, but what about the NOW? I, We need the miracles, the hopes, the small ray of sunlight NOW- that can help us put a smile on our faces NOW!

This is the answer that God gave the prophet during those difficult months, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." I know that the challenges we are given during our lives are to bring us to Christ; to soften our hearts and allow us to change for the better when before we could not because we did not have room for growth. The word Endure makes me cringe, give me any other commandment, and I can do it. Tell me to endure, and well my body screams, "How long?" But I am reminded that the greatest person who endured things and did it so perfectly well, was Jesus Christ- he is the greatest example of Endurance in this life.

Though I may not feel that I have the stamina to 'Endure' especially when my body screams, "Slow Down!"- I know that it is crucial to keep moving forward. I want us to be worthy of obtaining our family goal- to be together again. And I know that just as the Saints received Divine help after a long testing period of 4 hard months, we too will receive Divine help after a long testing period of 4 hard years. I came across something the other day that struck my heart with so much truth, and has given me a push to keep up the journeying of enduring, it was: "What we get during our life is inconsequential, but what we become in life makes all the difference." I know that this is where the 'REAL' happiness finds us, it isn't in things we find outside of the walls of our home, it is ALL within.

We LOVE you our Caleb Boy.
This Endurance thing is aging my body, but I am slowing... very slowly getting it, bit by bit.
Love Always, Your Mommy