Smile and Stand

Dear Caleb,

Well with much emotion, I am writing you today Caleb, to tell you that I made it past my last and biggest pit of depression. You know you are on to something, when opposition comes in the whirl winds of heaviness and dark clouds from within that are thick- where you can almost feel yourself being choked and sinking deeper and deeper. Well that is what it has been within myself, trying to fight off the consuming enemy since the holidays starting with my birthday in October. Was there any way out? Where was that light and further hope that I knew that would come. So ready to give in and just accept where I, where we, were at. Fighting off the enemy has been a long battle for 4 1/2 years. A battle of going to Hell and back. Yet there has been moments of so much immense JOY, things that we couldn't have, nor would have experienced had it not been for this journey that we have been given to walk.

Ache to Joy, Sorrow to Peace, Bitter to so much Sweetness!!!
Caleb, sweet Caleb. Our spring came. This has been the year of overcoming our fears. My favorite place in the world had become one of those fears. It was so emotionally difficult to be there, or even to talk about that place. A place that once brought so much joy, had become a place that I tried to avoid, to push off emotions that I just wanted to bury, and call quits. But my longings to go back kept my mind thinking about it from time to time. Two weeks ago I attempted to go again. But it was exactly what I thought would happen... I couldn't do it, it was too hard emotionally on my body and mind.

I know that Christ came to truly save us from OURSELVES! "He is a mediator of a better covenant, which was established upon better promises. For if that first covenant had been flawless then should no place have been sought for the second." (Hebrews 8:6-7) This world, we as humans, are so incredibly flawed. And our Heavenly God Above knew that we would be so from the beginning. Which is why the second was sought for. Giving us a second chance to redeem ourselves and to be perfected through the saving grace of the Savior. Allowing his atoning sacrifice to truly sink deep into our hearts and mind, surrendering all to the will of God. For it is his plan and it is his way that he has given for us to walk, so truly it is only through him that it can be done.

Last week, I went back to my favorite place in the world. This time I prayed a different prayer. As I prayed I let my expectations go- Praying that A Loving God above would help me, by granting me strength to return to this place. I prayed that I would be blessed with inner peace to stop this inner battle within myself. That i could feel surrounded by his love, to be reminded that I am loved. To see myself in his eyes until I can learn to love myself again. With nerves high, emotions flowing without a sign of stopping, body shaking, heart pounding... even with all of that Peace filled my pounding heart, incredible light filled the room and I knew that it was where I needed to be to receive further light and understanding.

I have personally come to a better understanding about faith. It can be easier to say that you believe in God and in Jesus Christ, especially when you are given those miracles that are prayed for, in the very moment that they are said. But what about those prayers that do not get answered the way that you pray for?? Does that mean you are not loved by God? Does that you mean you are not important to him? Does that mean that your do not have faith? These are the questions that I had been battling with. And the answer is- You are so loved, You are so important. Your faith is enough. And because a Loving Father in Heaven is truly aware of us individually, that he tells us, "It is going to be Okay!" Not that things are alright, but that things are going to be okay. And God does not lie. What he says, is what he promises, and he always keeps his promises. I believe that with all my heart. I know that things are always going to be tender here in this life without you Caleb being with us, but it is going to be okay. And it is time for me to take a Stand and be the leader that I have been called to be- one knowing much grief and sorrow. And it is time for me to smile the joys of sorrow, grief, pain, and yes death. I am going to suck the bad feelings out if these words, for they really mean LIFE! Life to live again with our father. Life that comes through and from our Savior Jesus Christ. I have seen the sign of spring, and I have gained an appreciation of the gift that we have been given to walk.

Oh Caleb, how I continue to be so Proud of you. Thank You for Staying close by.
You are So Loved!
Love Always, Your Momma