Your Christmas Tree And Presents

Dear Caleb,

Christmas came, Christmas is gone, Today is another day to sing a birthday song.
Your little sister has turned the big ONE, we are hoping to make this a day of fun.

It is so crazy to think of the past, And I often wonder how long the memories will last.
Frustrated by the past, Frustrated by our future, how I just hoped that things would have gone smoother.

Four years wasted in anguish and grief, I am dumbfounded and full of disbelief.
Thinking of what I could have done to be a better person, without being so withdrawn during much uncertain.

Much like Scrooge has been my motto, to ignore my feelings by staying in auto.
Records have been engraven in my mind, causing my heart to continue to be blind.

To change what has been the norm, it for was survival to beat the storm.
It is a risk we are just going to have to take, if we every want to see a miracle break.

Where we are today, I thought we would never get through all the grey.
Sometimes I wish the grey would stay, because it is much easier then welcoming a new day.

Your little sister has become our glue, now we look at those grey clouds and say "Shoo."
Her smile and laugh reminds us how, to look and feel that reverent glow of wow.

To think that we can actually keep living, is something that just takes much of forgiving.
Life has humbled our hearts, with Christ giving us fresh new starts.

What would be do without this time of year, if there was no way to see the hurt slowly disappear.
Though our hearts will always ache, we are hopefully that we will one day receive a break.

We hope you had a joyful Christmas above, one full of gladness and surrounded by love.
We will give your kisses and hugs to your little sister, that she will always feel close to you even when she is bigger.

WE LOVE YOU, CALEB.
Much Love Always,
Love Your Mommy

Healing Stinks!

Dear Caleb,

Things have been "weird" since my birthday last month. Why is it that whenever  "healing" is involved it always feels like you take one step forward but, you get the ripple effect of three steps backwards? Sometimes I wonder what's the point, if you always land right on your face again. I have officially decided that healing stinks!!!

Healing hurts and pushes one in ways that is just down right hard and difficult. Sometimes I wonder if the light will ever come. I know that it will, because it always does... but sometimes it is just bleak.  I would  trade this all just to have "moments" of a normal life again.  I get surges of confidence boosts every so often, and that is when the "healing" road picks up again, which always seems to be followed by the drops from the releasing of the ache and pain of the past.

Staying in the past is hard on the heart, relieving the past is hard on the heart... but ignoring it- well that is worse. Though it seems like that is the way to go at times- to ignore the hurt, to ignore the ache, to ignore that you can even feel, gets you no where. But that is an illusion, because we are always moving, for if we are not moving froward, then we are moving backwards.

Four years of crying, and my well of tears are all dried out. I do not cry the way that I used too. It is my heart that does the crying, no know can see but it is always likening: things, others, ways, to our life and it cries often. Grief knows grief so well, it is a welcoming friend at times, especially those wonderful friends that know a deep grief like ourselves.

The one thing that I do not like is that there is so many different ways that it (grief) can be done. It is so difficult to get a handle on the how, the who, the what, of everyone that is dealing with things in their own ways. It can really put a damper on things. Only as of recent times, I have realized a flip side to this. There is a hidden beauty, because that means that there are that many ways that people can receive help from people who have similar feeling, grieving hearts like themselves.

Yes, I have determined that Healing Stinks! I do not like it one bit, I do not like it Sam I Am!
But one gets to do what one has been given to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder if my heart can handle this work. I know that we are not exempted from hardships because of our past, though I often wished that we could be. Yet, I know what needs to be done. Please Dear Lord help our hearts to not fail.

Love You Caleb,
Love Your Mommy

One Dimensional View to 3D Perspective

Dear Caleb,

Well, October is the start of the chain-link of holidays that is always such a sensitive time on my heart. I want to be more kind and loving, but for me to do this I had to remove myself from certain online social groups. I hope that our dear friends and family do not think that I do not care, I care so much, which is why I do not want to put myself in a place where I feel like I a judging them, or taking away their happiness by my comments, or non-comments- especially with these many family holidays soon arriving. I am choosing to let others be happy, and enjoy their time with their families; that I may learn to do the same in our own way.

I know that there is always hope to change, that there is always room to grow, but sometimes we do not allow each other that space to do so. As we imprison in our minds and hold on to the past without loving forgiving hearts, not being willing to let go, nor allowing space to see change. Perhaps we are scared because the past may sneak back in, perhaps we are scared because we do not want to get hurt, perhaps we are scared because there is just so much unknown.... but it is the chance that we always need to take. For that is what we want to be given by our Loving God, second, third, 100 chances, to prove that we are more devoted, more dedicated, more full of his love.

For these past 4 years I would shift from a one dimensional view, to a 3D perspective. When I am in the one dimensional view, all I can see, is what these mortal eyes can see- which is not every much, nor very far. My emotions sky rocket, and I tend to be more jittery and agitated. Being content is something that I try to force away, by trying to control every single moment to make my inner peace. But trying to force peace, is completely impossible. Peace is a gift, not something to be force upon anyone.

When I am in the 3D perspective, contentment and inner peace are my solid foundation. It allows me to see not only the now, but of tender moments of the past without pulling me down, and glimmers of the joyous future that can and will be ours someday. Seeing 3D keeps the jitters and being agitated away, and I am given smiles, and songs of my heart to where I have been caught humming again. My heart is filled with so much love for my God, his plan for our family, and the most tender expressions of appreciation for the atoning sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ. Peace is the gift that is given, and that is allowed to stay and be my constant friend.

One would think that having experienced of the 3D perspective over the one dimensional view, that it would just be a no brainer to think, 'Well, I think I will just stay right here,' but it is not that easy. But I am feeling more desires to see 3D, and obtaining more motivation in reaching this higher level faster when I find myself stuck in the lower one dimensional view of understanding. It is interesting to think that, this lower level is where I have accepted defeat for so long, but it is not where I choose to be anymore. It is a place where I can not be anymore if I want that joyous future that I have been promised, and seen.

For this is our time to shine forth, in taking a stand for what we want, and we Mathison's are choosing to stand strong together: "For what we know to be right and true, is who we are no matter what we do. It is time to smile, and to go that extra mile. We have been given a road less traveled, but on it blessings have been unraveled. It is time to smile, it is time to share, is is time to let the world know that we care. We stand together to find those hearts, that have been broken and feel like they have been torn apart. For we know what that ache can do, and how it just makes you want to stay blue. There is a higher way, for there is that joy that will come in that day. So we will reach out and take their hand, to get them up on their feet to stand. And give them that knowing look and a gentle squeeze, where they can feel encircled by love which brings them to their knees. It is our time to serve, it is our time to never swerve. Being grounded is what we need to be, that is the better way for us to see. Our love of our God is ever so strong, it is never a place for anyone to go wrong. Staying true to where your heart belongs, on your journey you will be given the gift of songs. To uplift and carry you along, back home to where we all belong."

Love You Our Missionary- God be with you till we meet again.
Love Always, Your Mommy

Inspirations By Tanya Nicole

My first Inspirations for you Caleb. Pictures by me, with quotes from your blog. Hoping to reach out to others through these Inspirational Touches. I feel that I have finally found my way to better serve both you and our family. Love you Very Much, Love Your Momma

When The Stars Do Not Align

Dear Caleb, Our mission call to serve in this new area, from our 12th move, is going alright. There's only been one welcoming opportunity, in the right setting, to share our family's journey. It sort of feels lonely to not have my "knowing" friends around physically to support me from day to day. But on the flip side, it sort-of feels nice to have a fresh start, of showing my positive thoughts, feelings and actions when it comes to our journey. However, that is a very high expectation, one that I feel can never truly be accomplished in this life with a broken heart, but I know that I can at least try- who knows, I might get close and surprise myself. All my life prior to 2009, I wore my emotions, everything on my sleeve. If one star was out of alignment: one insult, one thing I forgot, one failure in myself, one person that I disappointed... my day would be RUINED! And there was no shaking it, until the fresh new day arrived. I would go from what would look like a happy chipper person, to a wickedly mean lady all in a matter of a few seconds. When the stars would not align, I would also go into a panic attack disorder of sorts, allowing all my emotions to imprison me in my mind of failure and disappointment. But life is full of disappointments and it is a learning curve in how we deal with them as they come in waves. Yet those small anxieties are often ones that I laugh at now, for I have learned that there are bigger waves in the ocean. When those stars fall out of alignment, they make no difference to me or to my mind. I no longer allow those moments to control my actions; it is not a big deal for me these days. After you were called on your mission to serve, all my stars fell, and has fallen for years. No stars were shinning or glistening to a happier tune. I have been numb and tone deaf of any chance of a new star peaking through the gray and gloomy clouds of my heart. Thinking that all was lost to never see a shinning star reappear, in helping to place a smile on my face or warmth on my heart- I have been shown that there is always ONE. It isn't one of the normal that we would expect, it is ONE of a more brilliance and yet somewhat familiar. It is the ONE that will never dim nor disappear, unlike all of our other stars that we try to align. This ONE was created in a different way, in a different form. While all my stars have been gone, there has remained ONE that shines true. And it is in that ONE star that grants me hope and contentment of peace when all my stars have fallen, leaving me to feel without strength. And in those quiet moments when I need to see it the most, it comes out, and it says to my heart, "Fear not for I am with you, be not afraid." This is when I am renewed and filled with light and truth. Being lent with the ability to see and feel- to be taught further in the direction of which we are to go. I will admit that this journey is one of a tender and sensitive road. The path is long, the turns are sharp, and the cliffs... well they can seem a bit welcoming. But we know the direction and it is for an eternal home, to become an eternal family. This is a daily fight that we are living. A life that is needed of such a gentle and careful touch, only the Master he, Jesus Christ, knows how to reach. Now it is up to us to continue to let him lead. How much we love you Caleb. How much our hearts yearn for that glorious day to come. How much we are trying to keep up with you, please forgive us for our lagging behind. How wise you have always been. Love Eternally, Love Your Momma

Tender Gift

Dear Caleb, Well, we've past the dates of our Make A Difference Days, the 24th and 25th, and the day you share with your father on the 28th. Last night being at the temple, was such a Tender Gift on our hearts. To make the 28th a day of gladness instead of gloom, was something that I have wanted to do for sometime now, but not sure of what. Meeting you in the temple yesterday was the perfect opportunity in the making. So beautiful was our meeting. Flooded with emotions that I could not hold in, my body shaking and my heart pounding, there where times I could not stand or even hold up my limbs and I felt as though someone was doing it for me. To me the room was even brighter then the normal, and at times I thought I was going to pass out. All I could see was brightness. My eyes could not see very well, so I closed them at times, and what I was able to feel surpassed what I couldn't see. I was lighter; I felt I was on higher ground. I was no longer just in a place on earth here in mortality; it was a place of glorious peace, calmness, and of pure joy. My heart was touched, so much to the point that it was hard for this mortal body of mine to take it all in and handle at once. My mind was touched and opened even more to understand this journey that we are on. Though your Dad and I are not alone on our journey, for we have been blessed with immense love and support, however we started out on our own. Embarking on our new life together into the unknown, hand in hand- As we built a home, had children, finished schooling to obtain a steady job and income, we lived in a state of what I would like to call innocence. We had nothing to force us out of our garden of the "all is well" attitude. Then in 2009, the accident came. That was our fruit that we were give to partake and it has forever changed the way that we view and see life as. We therefore, were kicked out of our innocent state, for now we know what real bitter tasted like, along with the immense reality of joy. And because of our changed hearts, there is no going back. Oft times I have thought in the past, why can't we just go back, it was so much easier, we didn't have to do much or have much to worry about. And now we have to work hard, and do a lot to stay afloat and redirect our focus every single day. The work is more exhausting, and the weight makes one feel more fatigued, but I have to remind myself that this is the ONLY WAY. It is the only way for us to be more like our Savior. It is the only way to make our hearts more of what he would want and knows what we need. It would do no good for us to stay the same, in that state of "innocence." I oft times in the past have attempted to find ways to go around our new path, taking short cuts, skipping parts, but only in doing so, has made things more difficult. It is an allusion to think that by taking alternatives routes will be easier, or make us happier. By not facing what needs to be addressed, and trying to avoid what needs to be given our attention too, will only hurt us in the long run- straining relationships, cheating our hearts from healing, and loosing the vigor to live. We have partaken and we know that we need to be 100% on board with the will of God, in order for us to continue this journey together. If we are not, it will pull us apart, which is the complete opposite of the purpose of your mission. Seeing our family grow from such bitter moments has been humbling to say the least. It has been a rough go around these past 4 years, but we are starting to see more clearly each year. How thankful and blessed we are for this Tender Gift that we were give to be with you in the temple last night. More healing has taken place; more anger has been removed and replaced with such sweet inner peace of contentment. To know that you are a full serving missionary that holds the priesthood now, is more then comforting on my little broken mother's heart. Serve well our son. We are behind you, and continue to serve with you. For We Are, "Team Angels." Much Love Eternally, Love Your Mommy

Our Make A Difference Days- 2013

Our Baskets of Goodies Delivered. Your Trophy to award you with all the amazing touchdowns your are accomplishing on your mission. Matching Make A Difference Dog Tags for your siblings as they serve with you on your days of service. For we are "Team Angels!" Pictures that we created for you. We Love you Buddy Boy. Keep up the awesome work. And thanks for the amazing save with your little brother again. Love Eternally, Your Momma

Deep Gratitude

Dear Caleb, We are approaching "that" time, and my body knows it. To relieve the memories from our accident causes my inner core to shutter in utter uneasiness. Today Montey said, "Mom how did Caleb die?" Gosh he was so young, and it pains my heart to have to explain to him what an amazing brother you were, that you are... I said, "Well, Montey, Caleb and I were driving to a store and a car hit us. But he is not dead, just like Jesus, they are resurrected and are alive again. We just can't see them right now, but we will see them soon." Montey answered with a sigh, "Well, why can't we see them, and when will we see them?" Caleb, how I wish I had the answers to tell him when we would see you again. My heart hurts at this time, and that aching pain will always linger, but it is different this year. If there is one word that just makes me cringe, it is the word "dead". I do not believe in it. I strongly dislike people using it, especially around me. It think many people do not really know what they are talking about when they say that word or use it. The blessing that we are all granted after this life is amazing. The knowledge that we take with us from this life, and added upon the knowledge we knew before we came to earth, and then the knowledge we learn after this life... simply amazing! So who is the "dead" one really? It would be us, who are here living in mortality; we only know the "now". Our perspective and understanding is far less superior then our loved ones that are watching over us. So are you "dead" NEVER! And I laugh at everyone that says so. Your site is empty, and THANK GOODNESS for that, and can I say a Hallelujah too! My heart sings knowing that you are alive and well- more alive then us, and it helps heal that sting that I feel with you away from us. Next week we are meeting you in the temple, and I am so beyond excited! I cannot wait to feel you near, it has been so long. Trying to find ways to stay positive and focus on the eternal perspective can be so difficult and draining at times- but it has always been worth the battle. The added strength to be content and the ability to see and feel with peace, is the blessings that I continue to yearn to seek after- these are my life lines of survival. Without these blessings everyday, I would sink beneath the heavy weight of sorrow and grief. What a gift it is to know, and feel. And even a bigger gift to recognize others in such away and reach out with loving hands to serve. If there are times when I am in deep grief, I can always count on helping others to pull me up. It is a beautiful time to heal each others broken hearts, with mourning with those that mourn, and bringing comfort to those that need comfort. The relationships that form at such times are eternal. They are friendships that are the most deep, and loving of all. The most treasured gifts that one could ever wish to obtain in this life. Such jewels are rare in this life, but when you find them, you are rich beyond what words could ever describe, by being filled with a joy that one cannot explain. Deep Gratitude is what I have been filled with this past month. In Nebraska was our greatest sorrow, and yet God placed such a perfect large group of Nebraska Family to support us with such difficulties. In Lake Stevens was our greatest grief healing process, and yet God placed us again with such a perfect large group of Lake Stevens Family to support us with all our emotional roller coasters

. And now we are on our journey to our New Nebraska for a fresh start. We took our first new family photo before we left. We are ready to face the rest of this journey, to see what is held for us, as we stand by and serve with you. Proud is what will always come to our minds and hearts about you accepting your calling to serve. We are so proud, so touched by your example. How we love you beyond all words. So Proud we are. Much Love Always. Love Your Momma.

A Glimpse of "REAL" Joy

Dear Caleb, So many ups and downs has been our path these past many years: Times that I could barely smile, times that I finally started laughing again, times when my heart hurt that I could barely breathe, times I would catch myself humming while I ate.... -enough to make one go crazy. And who has been by my side this whole time, when he could have thrown down the towel and headed for some place better?? Your Earthly Father. Caleb, Your Father is my Hero. He is more then amazing when it comes to his patience, and unconditional love for me- a wife who is for the most part "off her rocker." How did I ever get so lucky? How did I ever get so blessed? To have your Father by my side is more than I ever could ask for- to help me along this healing game. Because that's what I feel like it is, A Game. One where you are trying to come out alive, and by doing so you get bonus points to advance to the next level. And that is where we want to be, with you, at the next level. Trying to "stay alive" has been more than tricky. At times it almost just seems impossible, but then we are touched by glimmers of "REAL" hope, which fills our hearts with "REAL" Joy. This is what has happened again just recently, the biggest of them all so far! It has been approved for us to send you our support package of love, to help you serve your mission on a whole new level. Yesterday I went to the Family HIstory Center to do your work. And it's done, it's official!! We have received the Family Ordinance Request Sheet. So now we can take your name to the temple. We are planning to meet you there, at the Temple, on your Father's Birthday. It's a gift that your Father can give to you, and a gift that you can give to your Father for his birthday. Having your funeral on his birthday has been nothing but uneasy on our hearts. This day is soon to change for the better, in placing REAL Joy in all our hearts. We are so excited that there are no words to express our tender feelings. TO feel like we can finally do something for you, in connecting us closer together, in serving with you on your mission... takes the broken heart of a mother and replaces it with another. As we have this Glimpse of the "REAL" Joy that we are longing and awaiting for to stay and forever be ours, we will use these opportunities to help keep us focused- on our one and only goal, to be together again. See you real soon. Love you Caleb. :)LOVE YOUR MOMMY

Happy 12th Birthday

Dear Caleb, As of yesterday you are 12 in our minds, but with your sweet face of an 8 year old boy always remaining in our hearts. I'm torn inside. That inner battle has stirred up again within myself. Familiar feelings of ache, heaviness, and with-drawling seem to be coming and calling to me these past several days, and a part of me wants to give in, because it is so much easier then to fight it off every stink'n' single time. There is a part of a song, darkness, from Simon and Garfunkel that says," Hello darkness my old friend, I come to talk to you again." This is a rather disturbing truth. This darkness has a sleazy way of making me feel comforted. As I know that I have been there, done that route so many times. And it may feel like a nice safe exit from this hurt and facing reality, but it's just a lie that cheats me out on living. I am tired of carrying this broken heart, feeling it's hurt, but it's in the hurt that reminds me I am living and that I am still allowing myself to feel. And truly that is a blessing, reminding me that I am choosing life. I keep telling myself that we are not focusing on what would have been, but we are celebrating of what will be- as we wake up to each new day. I love the story in the New Testament of the father who bring his son to Jesus to be healed. He says, "If thou canst do anything have compassion on us, help us." And Jesus answers with, "If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth."And the father quickly responded with tears, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." Time and time again, I reflect back upon this story, because I feel like I am that father. I believe, how easy it is to just say that. But the creeping in of fear sometimes takes my better judgement and full heartily saying I believe, isn't exactly true. Caleb, I am not afraid to admit that I have my unbelief moments, and that is when darkness my old friend always sleazes it's way in. I know that God is faithful to us, I am a living statement of this very thing. There is no way I could have ever gotten out of the grief stricken pit that I was in had it not been for his unfailing love and compassion for us/ for me. With everything that has happened, with everything that has been done, I have learned from myself how people "Can Change." I am no way near the person I was in Jr High, or in College. I have changed. It's sad how we imprison each other in our minds of what people used to be back in the day. Thinking that they are the very same person as when we first met them. When it is frankly impossible to stand still, because this whole world is moving, we just can't see it. It is the same with people, we may not see the change in weeks, months, perhaps not until years, but the change comes. I seem to do this a lot with physical traits of friends and family, thinking in my mind of how they were when I last saw them, thinking that they would be and look the same- and yet that always seems to blow me away with the change that occurs. How much I would love to show my old dear school friends, college friends... that I am a different, a better person now. Change is beautiful, just like a butterfly. And if one only chooses to see the caterpillar, well then they are choosing to miss something far more beautiful from the process of change. A small insignificant caterpillar is what I used to be, but I am feeling the beautiful gift of wings carrying me on. How thankful I am for change, what a gift, what a blessing. We love you Caleb. Happy 12th Birthday, you big boy you. Love Your Mommy

We are so LUCKY!

Dear Caleb, It is funny how things that once seemed impossible to fathom, has because our current reality, and yet it doesn't even seem impossible to handle anymore. Though it still isn't fun, or even what I would like to still live with, but I am done fighting the unwanted change, there is nothing I can do about it. And I am ready to just be content with it, and allow our new normal to take its course. We are moving again, making this our 12th move as a family. I am in a position with my emotions that I never thought I would be; a part of healing that I thought would never come- nor ever for saw what could become. I wanted to stay miserable, for that is what I thought I only deserved. I wanted to stay withdrawn because it was an easier place to be, then in the present. I felt that I was unworthy to be loved and trusted, and I couldn't put especially our family in such a situation that would compromise another slip up from me as their mother. How nervous I have been to be a mother since then. How untrusting I have felt in my lack of abilities to care and be there for your siblings. I felt that if I could just keep the distance, it would protect the family from my mishaps. I couldn't have ever been MORE wrong. It hasn't helped, but has only hindered any glimmer of enjoyment together. For the heart of the mother, is the center of the family. And if she isn't happy or there emotionally, everything gets shifted, and everyone gets caught in the whirl wind. This has been our challenge these almost 4 years, but they are Caleb, they are no more. It is not a path that I want to be on anymore. I have hurt our family long enough and it is time for me to show them that because I love them, I want to be here emotionally. There is no point in being here physically if I have already checked myself out, but I am here physically, so it is time for me to be here emotionally too. Montey has been sleeping in your room, 'The Boys Room,’ he calls it. He said, 'Mom when Caleb comes I ask him if I can sleep on his bed.' He has been sleeping on your floor and tucks your picture in next to him. As I tucked both of you in the other night Montey said, "Mom. Caleb and I are twins. I look like him, and he looks like me." I said with tears in my eyes, "I know, isn't that awesome!" It both hurts my heart and makes me rejoice all at the same time. Sometimes I have to do double takes, because there are times that I swear I see you Caleb. But then when I realize it's just Montey, my heart stops fluttering. Gosh Caleb I cannot wait for that day to actually see you running towards us, we miss and ache for you more than any words could ever express. There is still such a whole in our hearts, in our family- and yet there is just nothing we can do about it. Next month you are turning 12 in our minds and hearts, though life would tell us otherwise. This is the very year, the very time that I have been dreading since after the accident. You will be graduating from church Primary and going into Young Men’s, receiving the Aaronic priesthood, passing the sacrament and starting boy scouts. Every Sunday I watch these sweet 12-year-old boys pass the sacrament and my heart sinks, and tears stream from my eyes thinking that my time is postponed for a time to see you serve in such a manner. How well you would have served, how much you would have enjoyed, how special this time would have been. Only recently have your birthday's been seen in a different light for me. How many people get the chance to celebrate their child's 12th birthday twice?! We are so lucky. We get to celebrate now and enjoy what will be. And get to celebrate again later when these things finally do take place. We are indeed LUCKY!! So, instead of dreading your birthday, I am anxiously looking forward to it. It doesn't mean that my heart won't ache and hurt, and tears won't be streaming down my face- because they will. But it does mean that Heavenly Father continues to keep his promise, that we will not be given more than we can handle. And who knew all along? Our Father in Heaven, that is who. For it is not that we are born strong, for being strong is not something that we are, it is something that we have to learn to become. And there is NO better strength that we are given and lent, then what comes from our Savior Jesus Christ. I know that it is only through his goodness that I am even able to smile and stand with what this difficulty has caused my back to change shape. How I have been made whole with peace of mind and contentment from the faith of just a simple outstretched hand, touching just the hem of his robe in desperation. Thank goodness he had compassion on me and turned to take my trembling hand. I love you so much Caleb. Thank you for being our inspiration and pushing us closer together. We will be together again soon. Love Your Mommy

His Work, His Glory

Dear Caleb, Oh how I LOVE Easter. Easter is such a special and sacred time on my heart. It was such a joy to have Easter and General Conference all around the same time. To listen to the Prophet of God, Thomas S. Monson, declare is testimony of the Risen Lord Jesus Christ is always such a needed emotional pick me up. As much as I love Christmas, it is EASTER that my heart is always living and rejoicing in. For Christmas brings us the gift, Jesus Christ. But Easter, now Easter, is the fulfillment of that gift- the gift of Eternal Life, through Jesus Christ. I oft think the world has it all backwards. As much as we rejoice and enjoy Christmas, Easter should be celebrated and praised 10X's MORE! For it is in the promised blessings through the resurrection of our Savior that will bring about ALL of or hopes and dreams to become our eternal reality- eternal life with our families forever and never to part again. Every since Easter I have been able to smile more, and actually mean it... that really is a huge thing for me. Just as the Risen Lord came down amongst the people and they didn't recognize him until he allowed them too, I kind have that strange similar feeling with you. Your mission has not kept your spirit and body separate, for when I go to your site, I feel that it is empty. I am so overjoyed that when we see you, it will be in your resurrected perfect body. So I do not need to stay and mourn where you are not. I need to be okay with moving forward, instead of holding myself back, and our family. But such a task is much easier said then done. It cannot be comprehended or understood what it's like to loose a child in this life, but only those who were called to pass through it. I have never been mad at God or blamed him for this journey that we have been given to live. I have only and always been mad at myself. Myself for not being there for you, myself for not being a better mother, myself for not protecting you, and most of all myself for not being able kiss your wounds and make them better. This is the biggest hurdle that I have yet to tackle, perhaps something that I even thought would be impossible to "let go." On the beautiful week of Easter, I was praying about this very thing to God. I was saying how he must have been wrong to think that I could handle such a trial, that he had made a mistake, that I could not handle this grief, and carry this broken mother heart anymore and I was done. Throughout the next day I kept thinking of the scripture in Moses 3:19, "For this is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." And I would say what the heck does that even mean, for I hear it all the time at church and I never really knew what it meant. It wasn't until I was rocking Cumorah to sleep when I heard the words of my Heavenly Father speak to me, as tenderly as my earthly father would say them in. He said, "Honey, I am sorry that you are taking this so personally and are having a very difficult time, but this is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." It finally hit. This isn't my work, this isn't my responsibility- This is God's. His Work, His Responsibility, He's GLORY. He wants us home, he wants us back, this is the whole plan from the beginning, and I agree in the premortal life to have him rescue Caleb from the affects of the car accident. Caleb, I am finally okay with this, I am finally okay with God's plan for us. I thought that I had to have your forgiveness before I could ever continue moving forward, being the icing on the cake. But Father above came down himself giving me the cherry on top. Such a pivotal moment that I will never forget. My grief has been lifted like I have never felt before, and I am able to smile and laugh, something that I never really thought I would ever do in this life again. This journey is a calling. A calling that I will never be released from until that great day our Savior comes bring you back to us. A statement I came across to explain my calling in details from the book the price we paid by Andrew D. Olsen, "On your journey home you should constantly seek how you can aid them by your experience, direct and comfort them by your counsels, cheer them by your presence, strengthen their faith, and keep the spirit of union and peace in their midst, that the destroyer may have no power over them." To have faith was a starting point. Now it's time to be my faith. Love You Caleb. Love Your Mommy

Moments.

Dear Caleb,

This past month has been pretty interesting to say the least. I have been experiencing what I would like to call "moments."I have been trying to get sparks of any kind of interest, to get me moving and feeling connected to this life again. I keep thinking that perhaps I just need to go back to my roots of what I liked doing before: dancing, photography, scrap booking, running... And it would fan those sparks and turn into desires and passion again to pick up and start anew. This is were I have been having my "moments." I get an inkling of interest that will come out of no where and I will feel passionate about it for a day or two, and then it would stop. Then I will think of something else, feel all passionate about that, and then it too would stop. I am searching and hoping for that certain "moment" that will engrave on my soul to stay. I just wished that I had such natural talent at something, ANYTHING, that I could just start off at and work from there, but I do not.

I want to leave behind a legacy of something that I have done, something that I have accomplished, some imprint that I have left behind for your siblings when it is time for me to go be with you. I do not want to live my life in idle anymore- it is time to move, but I do not know in what, nor in what way.
I sure hope I find my niche soon, I feel that I am just on borrowed time, and it is ticking.

One thing that I found to see in a different light these days is facebook. Before the accident I was on it probably more then I should have, when I could have spent more time with you and I HATED myself for it. So I VOWED to NEVER be on facebook again. I would only reactivate my account long enough every once in awhile to get people's contact information, then I would deactivate it. Your father reactivated my account 2 summers ago, and I kept going back and forth deciding if I should keep it open or to close it. I have come to realize that for me to leave it open could potentially be a selfish thing if I were to spend more time in cyber space then in the physical world with those that I love. But to have me completely close it would be a selfish motive because I would be saying that those distant friends and family mean nothing to me to stay in touch with them... and I wouldn't want them to feel that way. It is also through facebook that I have learned, that it is a great support system with more than just the physical family and friends living around me. And I have felt the great importance to be there for those friends and family, because when I see that there is a need (that only one who knows grief can see), I am able to take almost immediate action into bringing comfort and support their way.

I can see myself moving, but it is in very small increments. Another thing about moving is that I made it to a place I NEVER thought I would come too. I am now okay with us moving away, if we come to that path again for our family, I do not need to stay here anymore. This Easter season speaks this truth to me all the more intently, "Your site is empty, for you are Risen." I know that God raised Christ from the tomb, and so has he you for your mission. And when Christ comes you will be coming down as a Resurrected being to us. So, I do not need to be where you are not, for your site is empty, and I can rejoice in this gift, in this knowledge at this most JOYEST TIME EVER! Oh how I LOVE EASTER! Oh how I LOVE JESUS CHRIST, and making this ALL possible for us all to be together again.

Happy Easter K-bub! Happy, Happy Easter to YOU.
With All My Love, Love Your Mommy

Learning to Live Again

Dear Caleb,

I have while in this past month of many broken/ falling/unstable emotions learned a lot about many things in and of myself.

I have put together Steps in Cultivating Grief.

Step 1: Recognize That You Are Grieving (This starts after the denial phase wears off)
.It's okay to grieve.
.Let yourself feel all angles.
.It is a must, to allow all ends to be opened in order to begin to heal.
.So let yourself Feel.
(No matter what everyone is saying about you feeling so deeply; especially family, they are not you, they do not know.)

Step 2: Find A Healthy Outlet
.Grief is/can be an overwhelming burden to carry.
.If no outlet is found the weight of the pressure can easily and quickly pull you down.
(Find the right outlet for you: Counseling, Online grief groups, Reading, Writing, Starting a new hobby, Picking up an old cherish hobby, Go where you feel the most alive to feel revived when you need to be uplifted and surrounded by a positive and safe environment.

Step 3: Allow Yourself To Feel Again
.Grief has a way to make one feel numb to the world.
.If we stay in the numb phase for an extended amount of time, it can place one in a world of oblivious.
(Our eyes turn inward and we are unable to see the needs of those around us, especially those in our care.)

Step 4: Live With Heart
.We are all in the act of "living," but if our heart is not in it and we are just going through the emotions of "living," then we have already admitted defeat.
(If anything is worth doing, it is worth doing it with heart.)

Step 5: Learning To Live Again

* This is where I am at now!
 I do not know how to exactly do this. I feel like I have come back from the dead myself. I do not know how to do so many things, I feel like I am a baby trying to walk, talk and read again.
I do not know how to carry on a conversion with those that do not "feel."
I do not know how to walk, move and run without being so winded and joints yelling at me to STOP.
I do not know how to read people's everyday in's and out's without saying, "Gosh I would switch trials with them in a heart beat."
I do not know how to do things that I used to do with that same intensity.

There is so much to living, of which I haven't been apart of for so long, that I feel very handicap and inadequate with trying to live again. I am in my 30's and people would perceive me as having lived my life up until this time, but I have been frozen and have tried to make life stand still. I am not my age, I am behind, though my body with all this weight makes me feel that I am much much older.

I have been trying to "FIX" our family, feeling that it was because of me and on my watch that things changed for us.  Using the grief to keep me: eternally focused, working hard to never fail our family again, trying to serve in ways to connect with you and support you on your mission... so that we would be guaranteed our Eternal Family and to be with you again. However, as righteous as those desires and focuses were and are, that direction wasn't exactly they way I was suppose to keep using my energy to "save" our family. I am not suppose to be our family's savior. We already have one Jesus Christ. If I really want to help our family, I need to allow the real Savior to mend what is broken, for he knows what to do. And I need to use more of the energy and time that I have been using with my grief work, to focus more on "living with heart" and trying to "be" in the moments with our family, now that, that is truly what our family has been needing. And remembering what started this family first of all? ....Your Daddy and I fell in love.  If we can keep this commitment and bond staying strong, then we have got a fighting chance of our goal in being together again. Our Eternal Family is hinged upon Daddy and I. It is not up to me to "FIX" our family, but up to Daddy and I to step up to the plate together to secure our family's dream, to be an eternal family.

I know that as time continues to past by we will continue to heal, but it is NOT a cure. We anxiously wait for the cure as we continue to try to take steps of healing here in mortality.

We LOVE you our sweet K-Bub!
Love Always, Your Mommy

The Bitter Work of a New Year

Dear Caleb,

I cannot believe we are in the year 2013, and honestly I am frustrated about that. Mentally it is always August 2009 with me; my mind cannot seem to yield or even fathom any other time. While everyone else is dreaming up new ambitions and goals, all we get is to live another groundhogs year: reliving difficult dates, getting through unfun holidays, celebrating everyone else growing 1 year older... this is getting REALLY OLD! I keep thinking to myself "How many years do we have to keep doing this???" I am growing very tired and weary of this... I am just tired of being TIRED!!

Our family has this massive wound and it requires a lot of dressings to keep it from risk of infection. But the problem is, the dressings are only suppose to be temporary, and I do NOT like removing them. The wound exposed to open air aggravates my grieving heart. I just want to keep these temporary band aids on! I have learned that I am like one of your favorite movie characters, Shrek the Ogre, I have layers... LOTS and LOTS of layers. I do not like to expose my wound/ our family's wound... it hurts too bad. So what do I do? I do what I have learned to do with these temporary band aids. I dress this wound so well that the dressings have become hard like a cast. I have a VERY hard outer layer. I have made it incredibly difficult to let people help me undo these dressings, including your Daddy. I do not mean too, but this wound when it gets exposed is terribly bitter! It can take me weeks even months to recover when it is time to apply some attention on it. Of course we all need help at times, but we have received so much help that I am all helped out. I feel guilty for making others feel that they need to worry about us, using their precious family time to stop and help us... What if that very day they stopped to help us was the last day they got to spend with their family? I cannot take people's time away from their very valuable family time together, I do not need more guilt to carry on my plate.

I have learned also that I have become my worse enemy. It is myself and myself alone that stops me from healing and removing these dressing layers. It seems like with each new year that goes by I just  keep putting more and more on.. I think that is why God sent us Cumorah, to help comfort my heart and melt away these layers. I have too admit, I am in LOVE with having four kids again. It is comforting, it is familiar... I have missed it so much. Going backwards to just three kids was painful and ever so awkward. Yet this new group of four still makes me miss our 2boys 2girls time together. It touches my heart to see how much Montey loves Cumorah. They were sleeping side by side the other night, and made me flashback to how excited you were when Montey was born. You finally had your bedroom buddy, and you two slept side by side. I didn't know whether to smile, laugh, or cry watching Cumorah and Montey. I just feel like I am broken and never gonna heal... there are so many things that try to get me to remove these dressings to heal.... but I can't....I can't! Mentally I am stuck, it is just always August 2009 until we see your sweet face with us again.

So what do I do now? Where do I start? Where do I go from here? I know you want us to be happy. I too want to see our family happy again. I want to be able to laugh and smile with everyone and actually mean it. But I do not know what happiness is anymore, at least not the way I thought it was. Because the happiness I WANT and long for canNOT be found in this life. I know the way to find true happiness is ONLY through Christ. Clothes, money, fame, fortune, popularity.... do not come close to the happiness that I so desire- those things hold NO joy for me, nor desire to obtain.

So...... I am starting this new year on a specific mission for myself that will have a very strong and positive impact on our family... it is the "Pursuit Of Happiness". If I desire to be happy then, I know I need to try harder by starting now to get there, that I will be ready and worthy to be given such a blessing.

Caleb I know broken hearts can heal, I know that true happiness can be obtained.... I just don't know how to get there on my own. So we as a family continue to look to Christ for he is the only way to keep breathing once he removes all our bandages of layers. He is the only way we can keep smiling when we look at our scars from these wounds that he has healed. He makes things possible.... and I am trying to wait faithfully for this day. I just pray that we can find the strength to push through til then.

SO, SO Love You Buddy Boy!
Love Immensely, Your Mommy