It was hard to say goodbye to your Corner.
So we left you a card that will forever stay there.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Visiting Caleb's Corner For The Last Time
It was hard to say goodbye to your Corner.
So we left you a card that will forever stay there.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Monday, August 24, 2015
Our Perfect Day- Then Everything Changed
Dear Caleb,
Six Years Ago today, your Father had the day off so we went to an Apple Tree Farm nearby the City of Lincoln. It was just a Perfect Day- the weather, all you kids getting along and cooperating, we had so much fun exploring and picking apples, we practically had the whole place to ourselves- it was so enjoyable... Then everything changed by the evening. And since then our whole world has been swirling crazily around us ever since. Right Now Six Years Ago, you and I were at different hospitals as our world came crashing down ever so quickly, our high of the day suddenly hit the lowest of the lows that we had ever known. And Today I am missing you like everything just happened again. I am so heart broken, it is so difficult having to relive this time year after year, it rips my heart right open all over again... it is such a devastating blow in having reality hit you hard in the face.
I am growing so tired of these endless cycles, each year I think this is it, I can't take another step... and then another year goes by. It is surprising the steps we have been able to take and the strength that has come out of no where to carry us throughout these many years. I've constantly been saying today, "Six years, oh my gosh, it's been six years"... I just can't seem to believe it. I still don't want to believe it, I want to just think it was a terrible nightmare and I will wake up at any moment and will to see your smiling face. I am missing you so much it just hurts all over again.
So much happened on Aug the 24th, up to the wee hours of the 25th when your Daddy and I walked the halls of the hospital after the doctors declared that you had returned home. A mother's worst nightmare is to loose a child, and I was left at my weakest point constantly trying to make sense of everything and thinking what do I do next?????? Even six years later I am still doing this, yet coming to the conclusion that there is nothing to make sense of, because as devastating as it is, it just happened and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I am also still constantly thinking of what am I going to do now? And still coming to the conclusion to just take baby steps, that is all I can do, and that is all that is ever expected.
I Love you and Miss you more then words can ever express Caleb.
As a family we choose to keep trying because We Love You, and do not ever want to let you down.
Love You Buddy Boy, Love Always Your Momma
Six Years Ago today, your Father had the day off so we went to an Apple Tree Farm nearby the City of Lincoln. It was just a Perfect Day- the weather, all you kids getting along and cooperating, we had so much fun exploring and picking apples, we practically had the whole place to ourselves- it was so enjoyable... Then everything changed by the evening. And since then our whole world has been swirling crazily around us ever since. Right Now Six Years Ago, you and I were at different hospitals as our world came crashing down ever so quickly, our high of the day suddenly hit the lowest of the lows that we had ever known. And Today I am missing you like everything just happened again. I am so heart broken, it is so difficult having to relive this time year after year, it rips my heart right open all over again... it is such a devastating blow in having reality hit you hard in the face.
I am growing so tired of these endless cycles, each year I think this is it, I can't take another step... and then another year goes by. It is surprising the steps we have been able to take and the strength that has come out of no where to carry us throughout these many years. I've constantly been saying today, "Six years, oh my gosh, it's been six years"... I just can't seem to believe it. I still don't want to believe it, I want to just think it was a terrible nightmare and I will wake up at any moment and will to see your smiling face. I am missing you so much it just hurts all over again.
So much happened on Aug the 24th, up to the wee hours of the 25th when your Daddy and I walked the halls of the hospital after the doctors declared that you had returned home. A mother's worst nightmare is to loose a child, and I was left at my weakest point constantly trying to make sense of everything and thinking what do I do next?????? Even six years later I am still doing this, yet coming to the conclusion that there is nothing to make sense of, because as devastating as it is, it just happened and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I am also still constantly thinking of what am I going to do now? And still coming to the conclusion to just take baby steps, that is all I can do, and that is all that is ever expected.
I Love you and Miss you more then words can ever express Caleb.
As a family we choose to keep trying because We Love You, and do not ever want to let you down.
Love You Buddy Boy, Love Always Your Momma
Saturday, July 25, 2015
It is Enough
Dear Caleb,
Though I am physically present I've had a very difficult time living in it, as I have longed for the past in Nebraska, and dreamed of the future when we are with you again. Living anywhere but here and now, because that pain has been too hard, too much heart ache from day to day.
It will soon be 6 long years without you and that is very tough to swallow... it has been so long- It feels like forever and I still do not like it, not one bit. But something in me has changed recently, call it a chemical, mental, or attitude change but with our family's new move currently going on, it has allowed for me to make and plan more dreams for here and now with our family.
My perspective has been more of the positive, as well as my conversations with others that I have conversed with lately and that is saying something. That is a really big deal for me to be smiling more and able to communicate without expressing so much anger at and towards everyone, just because they did not loose their son. But it is not their fault, so it is unfair to be angry and judgemental towards others because frankly they just don't know, nor will they ever know, so why did I feel like I needed to punish everyone for smiling and laughing?
It still hurts to see other boys your age, thinking that would have been you enjoying life to the fullest, but it is only hurting me in the long run- holding on to such dreams that will never be ours right now. I am my own punching bag that I keep beating at, again and again throughout these many years.
And I strongly feel that it is enough, my grieving the aching, the piercing pain... it has been Enough. And it is time to live in the present. I can not do anything about the past. Constantly trying to live in it did not change the outcome, it will never change or go away... it is what it is. And as difficult as that can be to accept, I have learned that one needs to come to terms with it, in facing it head on with what it is- Accepting and Allowing to continue stronger down the road.
I have decided in helping me to let go of the past, I will be ending my letters to you. I have loved every minute with you Caleb. These letters have been my source of strength and encouragement with sentimental needed moments of being with you. But it is time to be here and now. I will check in with you as time continues and write you a note here and there, but writing each month, it is enough.
And as for longing for Nebraska and constantly trying to live there in my mind, your Daddy and I will be going there soon. We will be going to our accident site, which we call 'Caleb's Corner' to retrieve your cross and flowers. It has been good on my heart to have that there, and have friends go out to be with you and replace flowers from time to time, but it is enough.
It is time to start living again and trying to get back in touch with family life and this move will be a great opportunity for me to start again- my 4th chance to start over. But the difference this time is, I know I can do it. This time I know we are moving to where you physically are not so I need not to try and find you. This time I can let go of anger, despair, my longing to live elsewhere. This time is the right time because like you told me Caleb, "It is going to be okay."
I love you my sweet Buddy Boy. I never knew that I could keep living when my heart has been broken and shredded into pieces. Loosing a child was always my worst fear in life, nothing comes close to it in comparison. But I have finally allowed myself to play a new record and it says, "It is enough because everything is going to be okay."
See you in my Dreams Buddy Boy.
Love You Always, Your Momma
Though I am physically present I've had a very difficult time living in it, as I have longed for the past in Nebraska, and dreamed of the future when we are with you again. Living anywhere but here and now, because that pain has been too hard, too much heart ache from day to day.
It will soon be 6 long years without you and that is very tough to swallow... it has been so long- It feels like forever and I still do not like it, not one bit. But something in me has changed recently, call it a chemical, mental, or attitude change but with our family's new move currently going on, it has allowed for me to make and plan more dreams for here and now with our family.
My perspective has been more of the positive, as well as my conversations with others that I have conversed with lately and that is saying something. That is a really big deal for me to be smiling more and able to communicate without expressing so much anger at and towards everyone, just because they did not loose their son. But it is not their fault, so it is unfair to be angry and judgemental towards others because frankly they just don't know, nor will they ever know, so why did I feel like I needed to punish everyone for smiling and laughing?
It still hurts to see other boys your age, thinking that would have been you enjoying life to the fullest, but it is only hurting me in the long run- holding on to such dreams that will never be ours right now. I am my own punching bag that I keep beating at, again and again throughout these many years.
And I strongly feel that it is enough, my grieving the aching, the piercing pain... it has been Enough. And it is time to live in the present. I can not do anything about the past. Constantly trying to live in it did not change the outcome, it will never change or go away... it is what it is. And as difficult as that can be to accept, I have learned that one needs to come to terms with it, in facing it head on with what it is- Accepting and Allowing to continue stronger down the road.
I have decided in helping me to let go of the past, I will be ending my letters to you. I have loved every minute with you Caleb. These letters have been my source of strength and encouragement with sentimental needed moments of being with you. But it is time to be here and now. I will check in with you as time continues and write you a note here and there, but writing each month, it is enough.
And as for longing for Nebraska and constantly trying to live there in my mind, your Daddy and I will be going there soon. We will be going to our accident site, which we call 'Caleb's Corner' to retrieve your cross and flowers. It has been good on my heart to have that there, and have friends go out to be with you and replace flowers from time to time, but it is enough.
It is time to start living again and trying to get back in touch with family life and this move will be a great opportunity for me to start again- my 4th chance to start over. But the difference this time is, I know I can do it. This time I know we are moving to where you physically are not so I need not to try and find you. This time I can let go of anger, despair, my longing to live elsewhere. This time is the right time because like you told me Caleb, "It is going to be okay."
I love you my sweet Buddy Boy. I never knew that I could keep living when my heart has been broken and shredded into pieces. Loosing a child was always my worst fear in life, nothing comes close to it in comparison. But I have finally allowed myself to play a new record and it says, "It is enough because everything is going to be okay."
See you in my Dreams Buddy Boy.
Love You Always, Your Momma
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Happy 14th Birthday
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Memorial Day Tribute For You
It is so hard to look back in days that are past,
Thinking that if only it would have last.
Never stopping to think if things would never change,
And now life is ever so different and strange.
Without you here I am just in a daze,
And wonder if I can ever change the ways.
What would I give to just have a moment with you,
Oh the things I would say and the things I would do.
To show you my love and that I am still true,
Because without you it is hard to not feel blue.
I know you would want me to smile and say,
Keep moving forward it is going to be okay.
And how you would whisper that you are still near by,
Even when I feel the urge and begin to cry.
I stop at this time and I think of you,
Thank you for all that you have done and all that you do.
To have you in my life I am blessed beyond measure,
You are my rock, my love, my treasure.
~By: Tanya Nicole~
Friday, April 24, 2015
Time to stop running, Time to start accepting...
Dear Caleb,
The process of letting go is never an easy one. How much does one have to keep letting go? How long does one have to continue letting go, before they are done, before it is finished, before it is enough? How I wish that it would come now. I wish this time would end. How I wish it would be completed, because with each piece that is released, a piece of my heart aches and bleeds right along with sending it away. How often it is said that letting go makes the path possible to be filled with more, and without the empty space it is physically impossible to receive what's meant to come bless and heal. But what if that empty space is so piercingly penetrating to your heart to even be replaced with something else? Because you just long and want to keep it all and never let go, never! If I could we would forever own four homes: First, our duplex in Spokane where you were happy and little. Second, our home in Salem where you blossomed and grew. Third, our home in Lincoln where you grew up and matured into an amazing young man. Fourth, our home in Lake Stevens which was a splitting image of our home with you in Salem; Remembering the walls where you would hit your head or your knee, the timeout corner that you would put yourself in without us telling you, your room where you would happily go down for a nap without even a complaint... Yes, I would keep these all, forever!
I am tired of just having memories. I'm tired of letting go of the physical and being left to just images in my mind. I feel like if I keep letting go of all the physical there will be nothing left of you. I'm feeling torn, I understand the concept of letting go making room making space for growth and healing. But then I feel that if you let go, because we are physical beings living in a physical world, if you remove all of that there is the possibility of slowly forgetting, and I never ever want that. So there is my dilemma, there is my predicament. So how does one move on? How much does one let go? That is the agonizing question.
So, as you know Caleb our 13th move as a family is arriving. When you were young, these moves were for work and school, work and school. The moves after you were rescued into the heavens, I like to claim that they were for work too, but really I was just wanting to run away and was desperately hoping to find you at each new place. But I never could find you, and the depression would get deeper, darker, almost to the point that it was unbearable. This is the first move where I know I cannot run away anymore. I have accepted things as they are, I know I do not need to seek you out at our new place. Physically, I will always want you near, I will always want you nearby, but that is just not our lot that we are blessed with at this time. I know that you will always and have always been with us in spirit and I am grateful for that, but on a broken grieving mother's heart it is just not enough. I hope someday I can make peace with it until we are with you again.
Love you very much. Take care of yourself my buddy boy.
Love You Always, Your Mommy
The process of letting go is never an easy one. How much does one have to keep letting go? How long does one have to continue letting go, before they are done, before it is finished, before it is enough? How I wish that it would come now. I wish this time would end. How I wish it would be completed, because with each piece that is released, a piece of my heart aches and bleeds right along with sending it away. How often it is said that letting go makes the path possible to be filled with more, and without the empty space it is physically impossible to receive what's meant to come bless and heal. But what if that empty space is so piercingly penetrating to your heart to even be replaced with something else? Because you just long and want to keep it all and never let go, never! If I could we would forever own four homes: First, our duplex in Spokane where you were happy and little. Second, our home in Salem where you blossomed and grew. Third, our home in Lincoln where you grew up and matured into an amazing young man. Fourth, our home in Lake Stevens which was a splitting image of our home with you in Salem; Remembering the walls where you would hit your head or your knee, the timeout corner that you would put yourself in without us telling you, your room where you would happily go down for a nap without even a complaint... Yes, I would keep these all, forever!
I am tired of just having memories. I'm tired of letting go of the physical and being left to just images in my mind. I feel like if I keep letting go of all the physical there will be nothing left of you. I'm feeling torn, I understand the concept of letting go making room making space for growth and healing. But then I feel that if you let go, because we are physical beings living in a physical world, if you remove all of that there is the possibility of slowly forgetting, and I never ever want that. So there is my dilemma, there is my predicament. So how does one move on? How much does one let go? That is the agonizing question.
So, as you know Caleb our 13th move as a family is arriving. When you were young, these moves were for work and school, work and school. The moves after you were rescued into the heavens, I like to claim that they were for work too, but really I was just wanting to run away and was desperately hoping to find you at each new place. But I never could find you, and the depression would get deeper, darker, almost to the point that it was unbearable. This is the first move where I know I cannot run away anymore. I have accepted things as they are, I know I do not need to seek you out at our new place. Physically, I will always want you near, I will always want you nearby, but that is just not our lot that we are blessed with at this time. I know that you will always and have always been with us in spirit and I am grateful for that, but on a broken grieving mother's heart it is just not enough. I hope someday I can make peace with it until we are with you again.
Love you very much. Take care of yourself my buddy boy.
Love You Always, Your Mommy
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Palm Sunday Chat
Dear Caleb,
So I am sitting here with you this Palm Sunday on this Easter week, how much I needed this week to come, to remind me of all of that can and will become ours someday.
I have a hard time with the words joy and happiness, everytime I try to say those words they get choked up in my throat and they cannot come out.
I wish those words only had one meaning for everyone to use in discribing how they feel but sadly that is not so. Trivial,
superficial, come to my mind when I hear people use those words, mainly because at one time I was that kind of a
person, for I knew not what it meant for one to have real happiness or real joy.
I shutter whenever I hear a lesson, or a sermon, or a talk about these subjects. I try to discern through their words to see if it is a superficial or if it is a deeper meaning but really it is not my place to judge where they find their source of joy or so called happiness. One who knows not the bitter cannot understand a deeper sense of joy and happiness, for me I cannot use those words joy or happiness because it does not show depth, it does not go deep enough, so how do I explain it? It is the gift of peace and contentment that helps make one more whole. Yes, it is this very week that gives me the source of foucs and strength with the much needed gift of peace and contentment in a world full of ups and down and unwanted circumstances and experiences.
Shallow happiness cannot sustain one through the bitter circumstances that one goes through in this life. I suppose that is why I cringe when people talk about happiness and joy I just wish deep down inside that it is strong enough to help carry them when their heart is broken and their world is turn upside down. Superficial happiness will not sustain one with a desire to keep living, it must come from deep within. I quickly learned that things did not hold any value or come close to putting a smile on my broken heart.Sadly, because nothing outside of me could ever fix what had happened.
But this Easter week reminds my heart where my gift of peace and contentment come from. I'm thankful for that. Yes, I am definitely thankful for that. I am glad that this week has finally come, it is my saving grace, it is my breath of fresh air, it is my reason to keep living. It speaks to my heart and says I can do this, that I can smile for I have been given the gift of peace and contentment that comes from this time- Easter.
Love You Caleb, Thank you for letting me sit and visit with you in person today, my heart needed it, I am missing you. Love Your Mommy
So I am sitting here with you this Palm Sunday on this Easter week, how much I needed this week to come, to remind me of all of that can and will become ours someday.
I have a hard time with the words joy and happiness, everytime I try to say those words they get choked up in my throat and they cannot come out.
I wish those words only had one meaning for everyone to use in discribing how they feel but sadly that is not so. Trivial,
person, for I knew not what it meant for one to have real happiness or real joy.
I shutter whenever I hear a lesson, or a sermon, or a talk about these subjects. I try to discern through their words to see if it is a superficial or if it is a deeper meaning but really it is not my place to judge where they find their source of joy or so called happiness. One who knows not the bitter cannot understand a deeper sense of joy and happiness, for me I cannot use those words joy or happiness because it does not show depth, it does not go deep enough, so how do I explain it? It is the gift of peace and contentment that helps make one more whole. Yes, it is this very week that gives me the source of foucs and strength with the much needed gift of peace and contentment in a world full of ups and down and unwanted circumstances and experiences.
Shallow happiness cannot sustain one through the bitter circumstances that one goes through in this life. I suppose that is why I cringe when people talk about happiness and joy I just wish deep down inside that it is strong enough to help carry them when their heart is broken and their world is turn upside down. Superficial happiness will not sustain one with a desire to keep living, it must come from deep within. I quickly learned that things did not hold any value or come close to putting a smile on my broken heart.Sadly, because nothing outside of me could ever fix what had happened.
But this Easter week reminds my heart where my gift of peace and contentment come from. I'm thankful for that. Yes, I am definitely thankful for that. I am glad that this week has finally come, it is my saving grace, it is my breath of fresh air, it is my reason to keep living. It speaks to my heart and says I can do this, that I can smile for I have been given the gift of peace and contentment that comes from this time- Easter.
Love You Caleb, Thank you for letting me sit and visit with you in person today, my heart needed it, I am missing you. Love Your Mommy
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Chasing Our Family's Dream
Dear Caleb,
Spring is at our door step; there's a green haze along the side of the hills, splotches of green like patches are all over on the lawns, sweet spring songs from the birds can be heard at the break of dawn.
Yes, it is an early Spring here this year, for once I am thankful for that. Spring usually means that the ringer of birthdays are about to unfold, with your sisters gaining one more year on you, and your little brother catching up all too soon. But my thoughts are not taken in that direction this year. Something, a mental chemical balance of my emotions, has finally been put in check. I can honestly say that an inner change has occur since the intense downward spiral from January. And Spring is bringing me renewed strength, I can almost breathe again with out feeling the heavy weight of grief crushing my chest.
In January, I had a strong impression that Change was coming. I have been waiting and wanting for change to interrupt our unpleasant reality from our grieving, broken hearts. I needed something, but that something for over 5 years was not coming. The mind set finally occurred to me that, if that "something" was not coming as I had hoped and prayed for, then by golly "I" would be the change. As I focused on change, to allow the change, to help the change, to bring the change.... we have been blessed with a change, that "something!"
Move 13 for our family, move 4 since the you were with us has arrived! In this move we will be chasing our family's dream. Like the movie "We bought a Zoo" has been our dream, to have our acreage and have our own farm... our own zoo. And this place that we are moving to, will allow for this dream to become possible. I am starting to feel alive again, and actually be excited for something, excited for change! After the accident I really gave up on dreams, I had lost so many of mine that left with you. I did not believe even in having goals. To me that meant you would just be setting yourself up for failure if it wasn't meant to be, so I often thought, why would I want to see more of my dreams fall through. Goals, dreams equalled more broken hearts... I did not care for any of that.
My only dream, my only hope was for you to be saved and brought back to us here and now? But when that hope was crushed, my only dream was to work hard to be found worth to have us all be together again, which meant not until the coming of the Savior, Jesus Christ. But how could I possibly hold out til then, I often thought, will I make it? Will our family hold together long enough to see that day, when you will becoming down with the angels from heaven? That was my only dream, my only goal that I had strength to fight for, other dreams and goals just didn't seem to compare or come close to what I desperately wanted,You Caleb.
I have learned so much from each move after the accident. From the first move I learned how to re-introduce our family with having a missing piece which others will never get to know. That was incredibly hard to say that I had 3 kids, when I really had 4. I was unkind and very unfriendly whenever I was asked such difficult questions for myself, when really to others is was simple and easy to answer. These people were so kind and patient with me as I fumbled and panicked for that words to say. I could never use numbers, Caleb you are ours and will be forever, so I learned a way around it to satisfy all sides. I start by saying, "Well my oldest daughter is___, and end with my youngest son is___." That has brought myself so much peace, you still have your spot as the oldest boy in our family and always will.
The lesson from the Second Move was more complex taking a lot for me to get, which was, That It Is OK to let others love me and service me. So much was happening at the time of the accident that my head was swirling so fast, and so many people were trying to help and be there for us. They all are the dearest people on my soul, for them to be there when we needed help, however, I felt ashamed to have taken up so much of their time, money, and energy. I vowed to never be a hinderment on people again, and I did just that, pushed, pushed, pushed people away. On this move, these people were tender, gentle didn't push me away as I was trying to push them. They won my heart over reminding me that it is Ok to let people in, and that I was someone that could be loved. It was the start in finding my smile and laugh again after their disappearance for so many years.
This Third Move has been monumental. Sadly, negativity has been my side kick from the start. You could easily feel the anger and frustrations spew out in almost every word that was spoken. Trying to see the good, or to knowledge that the light was coming, was not something that came naturally and truly those that did made me more angry. It bugged me that others would often give advice when they never walked in that person's shoes, it is almost unfair for them to be giving advice when they have not experience such deep heart ache themselves. I have learned that the circumstance of the deep heartache does not have to be the same. It is IN the deep grieving that is common, the uprooted jagged road that people are place on, in having no choice but to face the reality of it, this is what is the same. I've come across many friends and though their uprooted circumstance was different, they brought me comfort as they found ways to be positive, and it caught me off guard- WAY off guard. I did not know that that was even possible. And I was determined for the first time that I was going to try it out. For every one negative thought that came, I would replace it with a positive one and see what would come from it. Could a negative person who only could see the dark and feel the hurt, really become someone that could see and feel the light and be happy? I wondered as I put this to the tested. From January til now I have come to understand that it is INEED so. I have been on an UP since mid January and that IS a big deal for me.... a VERY big deal.
That brings me to our 4th Move this Spring. In giving up on dreams I never thought we would be given one of our family's treasured desires. Though my up-most dream is for us to be with you again Caleb, but I have been renewed with hope, that there are dreams that can be accomplished here and now as we await to be with you again. I am tickling with excitement for us to chase after this family dream. A place were we can have our fresh new start, a complete change, a slower pace for healing, a slower place in trying to keep up with things, being around the healing powers of nature and animals... the list goes on, and on. I am overwhelmed with delight that finally I have something to smile about, talk about, look forward about. I'm humbled as our family has been given this opportunity to start a new chapter of memories, dreams and goals together, and I am ready to be apart of it! I am ready. I am so thankfully for our change, our new something to excite us and keep us moving closer and together as a family; For once it was dark and bleak, now there is growing hope and peace.
Caleb, I don't know exactly what you are doing that is helping us, but I know whatever you are doing it is working... we are seeing that light and it is getting brighter and brighter, something I thought would never be, and yet here we are. Thank You Caleb, I can not wait to thank you in person and to give you an enormous hug as I swing you around and hold you in my arms... I Miss You.
Love You Always, Your Mommy
Spring is at our door step; there's a green haze along the side of the hills, splotches of green like patches are all over on the lawns, sweet spring songs from the birds can be heard at the break of dawn.
Yes, it is an early Spring here this year, for once I am thankful for that. Spring usually means that the ringer of birthdays are about to unfold, with your sisters gaining one more year on you, and your little brother catching up all too soon. But my thoughts are not taken in that direction this year. Something, a mental chemical balance of my emotions, has finally been put in check. I can honestly say that an inner change has occur since the intense downward spiral from January. And Spring is bringing me renewed strength, I can almost breathe again with out feeling the heavy weight of grief crushing my chest.
In January, I had a strong impression that Change was coming. I have been waiting and wanting for change to interrupt our unpleasant reality from our grieving, broken hearts. I needed something, but that something for over 5 years was not coming. The mind set finally occurred to me that, if that "something" was not coming as I had hoped and prayed for, then by golly "I" would be the change. As I focused on change, to allow the change, to help the change, to bring the change.... we have been blessed with a change, that "something!"
Move 13 for our family, move 4 since the you were with us has arrived! In this move we will be chasing our family's dream. Like the movie "We bought a Zoo" has been our dream, to have our acreage and have our own farm... our own zoo. And this place that we are moving to, will allow for this dream to become possible. I am starting to feel alive again, and actually be excited for something, excited for change! After the accident I really gave up on dreams, I had lost so many of mine that left with you. I did not believe even in having goals. To me that meant you would just be setting yourself up for failure if it wasn't meant to be, so I often thought, why would I want to see more of my dreams fall through. Goals, dreams equalled more broken hearts... I did not care for any of that.
My only dream, my only hope was for you to be saved and brought back to us here and now? But when that hope was crushed, my only dream was to work hard to be found worth to have us all be together again, which meant not until the coming of the Savior, Jesus Christ. But how could I possibly hold out til then, I often thought, will I make it? Will our family hold together long enough to see that day, when you will becoming down with the angels from heaven? That was my only dream, my only goal that I had strength to fight for, other dreams and goals just didn't seem to compare or come close to what I desperately wanted,You Caleb.
I have learned so much from each move after the accident. From the first move I learned how to re-introduce our family with having a missing piece which others will never get to know. That was incredibly hard to say that I had 3 kids, when I really had 4. I was unkind and very unfriendly whenever I was asked such difficult questions for myself, when really to others is was simple and easy to answer. These people were so kind and patient with me as I fumbled and panicked for that words to say. I could never use numbers, Caleb you are ours and will be forever, so I learned a way around it to satisfy all sides. I start by saying, "Well my oldest daughter is___, and end with my youngest son is___." That has brought myself so much peace, you still have your spot as the oldest boy in our family and always will.
The lesson from the Second Move was more complex taking a lot for me to get, which was, That It Is OK to let others love me and service me. So much was happening at the time of the accident that my head was swirling so fast, and so many people were trying to help and be there for us. They all are the dearest people on my soul, for them to be there when we needed help, however, I felt ashamed to have taken up so much of their time, money, and energy. I vowed to never be a hinderment on people again, and I did just that, pushed, pushed, pushed people away. On this move, these people were tender, gentle didn't push me away as I was trying to push them. They won my heart over reminding me that it is Ok to let people in, and that I was someone that could be loved. It was the start in finding my smile and laugh again after their disappearance for so many years.
This Third Move has been monumental. Sadly, negativity has been my side kick from the start. You could easily feel the anger and frustrations spew out in almost every word that was spoken. Trying to see the good, or to knowledge that the light was coming, was not something that came naturally and truly those that did made me more angry. It bugged me that others would often give advice when they never walked in that person's shoes, it is almost unfair for them to be giving advice when they have not experience such deep heart ache themselves. I have learned that the circumstance of the deep heartache does not have to be the same. It is IN the deep grieving that is common, the uprooted jagged road that people are place on, in having no choice but to face the reality of it, this is what is the same. I've come across many friends and though their uprooted circumstance was different, they brought me comfort as they found ways to be positive, and it caught me off guard- WAY off guard. I did not know that that was even possible. And I was determined for the first time that I was going to try it out. For every one negative thought that came, I would replace it with a positive one and see what would come from it. Could a negative person who only could see the dark and feel the hurt, really become someone that could see and feel the light and be happy? I wondered as I put this to the tested. From January til now I have come to understand that it is INEED so. I have been on an UP since mid January and that IS a big deal for me.... a VERY big deal.
That brings me to our 4th Move this Spring. In giving up on dreams I never thought we would be given one of our family's treasured desires. Though my up-most dream is for us to be with you again Caleb, but I have been renewed with hope, that there are dreams that can be accomplished here and now as we await to be with you again. I am tickling with excitement for us to chase after this family dream. A place were we can have our fresh new start, a complete change, a slower pace for healing, a slower place in trying to keep up with things, being around the healing powers of nature and animals... the list goes on, and on. I am overwhelmed with delight that finally I have something to smile about, talk about, look forward about. I'm humbled as our family has been given this opportunity to start a new chapter of memories, dreams and goals together, and I am ready to be apart of it! I am ready. I am so thankfully for our change, our new something to excite us and keep us moving closer and together as a family; For once it was dark and bleak, now there is growing hope and peace.
Caleb, I don't know exactly what you are doing that is helping us, but I know whatever you are doing it is working... we are seeing that light and it is getting brighter and brighter, something I thought would never be, and yet here we are. Thank You Caleb, I can not wait to thank you in person and to give you an enormous hug as I swing you around and hold you in my arms... I Miss You.
Love You Always, Your Mommy
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Push to See, Choose to Feel: A post for January
Dear Caleb,
January was not a very good month. There has been much that has taken place within myself, making it very difficult to know how to put it all into words. The events of the holidays backed right up to a new year really threw me for a loop. Why on earth would one want to do a another year if it just brings more misery and heartache? Being apart of a community church where one is taught that there is a plan of happiness, where men are to have joy.... where was my joy, where was my happiness that I have so desperately longed for and desired? Had my religion, my faith failed me? Because I obvious was not feeling anything even close to being truly happy these past many, many years.
The exhaustion of dealing with my emotional bio polar disorder with the severe spikes of ups and downs have been beyond draining to my body and mind. When caught up in a downward spike, everything swirls and spins, I can hardily breathe, I can hardily move, I am caught in a very deep dark place and I am literally trapped. The longer I allow myself to be made a prisoner of such bitter circumstances the deeper the despair and the harder it is to pull out. To pull out takes a lot of mental power, focusing on something that helps me to see the circumstance in another way or a different angle, and making the choice to choose my family over the hidden enemy. Going on 6 years of battling these episodes day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.... takes a huge toll on ones body.
A cousin of mine shared something that really spoke to my heart during this last bitter episode, it said, "If you are tired of being tired, then stop giving up." There have been so many times which I had said this very thing, "I am so tired of being tired", but I had no idea of why. I had no idea that when I gave into the depression and negative thoughts that I was giving up, which was taking me under each and every single time. And trying to literally fight it off each and very single time has been unbelievably exhausting. I have personally come to understand how powerful our thoughts can be, they have REAL affect in pulling us in one direction or another. I never really understood this or knew that this was even really possible until now.
I have been struggling for years in sorting out why we were given this trial of loosing you, Caleb? What was I truly to learn from it, other then to know how to feel great sympathy for others in sorrow and pain. There had to be another reason, a direction of a positive note that would touch my heart and help me to smile and mean it, laugh and mean it, truly understand that I can and want to be happy again... there had to be something!! And that something is what I have been searching for, and it has taken me to be at my wits end of being tired of being tired to finally be ready to listen and to see.
I am not one who can endure to the end from such a trial. I have been taught as a child that we are to endure to the end, but I am not as strong as some of my amazing heroes. I look at the Mormon Pioneers with so much awe; for them to move across in the bitter cold for religious freedom, loosing their children along the way, only to have a spoon to dig a grave upon the frozen ground, just to leave them behind and carry onto Zion.... breaks my heart. They had to endure to their final ends of their lives before they could be reunited with their sweet angel children again. I can not do that. I knew from the very beginning that I could never wait that long til we are with you again Caleb. I thought that perhaps the reason was for me to help people prepare to loose a child, but I have fought that off over and over again. I do not want to do that. I do not want to be the one to prepare others to loose anyone, especially a sweet little child... it hurts too much. I do not want people to hurt as I have and to see them carry that ache for the rest of their mortal lives. No, that could not be what I was to learn from this all! Nothing positive was coming from it, nothing! And it was only making me feel more and more frustrated and depressed.
I have been taught as a child that the purpose of God is (Moses 1:39) to bring about the immortality and eternal life of man. And as I read that again, it HIT! That is God's purpose! That is his part. I do not have to do it, teaching about death and preparing the hearts to loose a child is not what I need to be doing. As what I thought perhaps it was for years, but that is a heavy burden for one to carry and try to teach about, a direction that has not been healing on my heart. Also as a child I have been taught about the coming of Christ. Something that I always wanted to happen when I was a child, but with reading in the Bible and reviewing the signs, I have discovered my smile- MY lesson for me to take away from walking down this path, from once saying that I will never be happy again. I do not need to endure to the end of my mortal life because Christ will be coming long before that. And He will be bringing you, Caleb, to me, so I do not need to wait as long as my Heroes. And I CAN do that! I CAN prepare for Christ to come, the healing that will be taken place at that time will be remarkable and astonishing. I CAN prepare myself and family to be with you again! I CAN be more positive with my thoughts for they will lead me to more pleasant circumstances for our family. I know that I CAN do this. And for me to say that I CAN, is a miracle all in itself.
This journey has been nothing but struggling and praying for the light, pleading for the light, and never seeing the light, but hoping and trusting that the light will come in some way and in some form. But when one finally sees a glimmer of that light, it brings instant calming of peace on your heart and brings contentment in your life letting you know that you CAN keep moving forward and that it is ok, for you to keep moving forward. So did my religion fail me, did my faith fail me? Only when I chose to focus on the negative, which kept me from being able to see the circumstance in a different direction, and to feel the situation with a renewed heart. Push to See, Choose to Feel, has been my Motto, in trying to stay positive even when it may seem bleak with little to no hope.
Words cannot begin to describe my love for you Caleb. I cannot wait til our hearts are finally made whole. I know that that time is coming soon, I rejoice in that and can smile and say that I CAN.
With Much Love To You, Love Always Your Mommy
January was not a very good month. There has been much that has taken place within myself, making it very difficult to know how to put it all into words. The events of the holidays backed right up to a new year really threw me for a loop. Why on earth would one want to do a another year if it just brings more misery and heartache? Being apart of a community church where one is taught that there is a plan of happiness, where men are to have joy.... where was my joy, where was my happiness that I have so desperately longed for and desired? Had my religion, my faith failed me? Because I obvious was not feeling anything even close to being truly happy these past many, many years.
The exhaustion of dealing with my emotional bio polar disorder with the severe spikes of ups and downs have been beyond draining to my body and mind. When caught up in a downward spike, everything swirls and spins, I can hardily breathe, I can hardily move, I am caught in a very deep dark place and I am literally trapped. The longer I allow myself to be made a prisoner of such bitter circumstances the deeper the despair and the harder it is to pull out. To pull out takes a lot of mental power, focusing on something that helps me to see the circumstance in another way or a different angle, and making the choice to choose my family over the hidden enemy. Going on 6 years of battling these episodes day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.... takes a huge toll on ones body.
A cousin of mine shared something that really spoke to my heart during this last bitter episode, it said, "If you are tired of being tired, then stop giving up." There have been so many times which I had said this very thing, "I am so tired of being tired", but I had no idea of why. I had no idea that when I gave into the depression and negative thoughts that I was giving up, which was taking me under each and every single time. And trying to literally fight it off each and very single time has been unbelievably exhausting. I have personally come to understand how powerful our thoughts can be, they have REAL affect in pulling us in one direction or another. I never really understood this or knew that this was even really possible until now.
I have been struggling for years in sorting out why we were given this trial of loosing you, Caleb? What was I truly to learn from it, other then to know how to feel great sympathy for others in sorrow and pain. There had to be another reason, a direction of a positive note that would touch my heart and help me to smile and mean it, laugh and mean it, truly understand that I can and want to be happy again... there had to be something!! And that something is what I have been searching for, and it has taken me to be at my wits end of being tired of being tired to finally be ready to listen and to see.
I am not one who can endure to the end from such a trial. I have been taught as a child that we are to endure to the end, but I am not as strong as some of my amazing heroes. I look at the Mormon Pioneers with so much awe; for them to move across in the bitter cold for religious freedom, loosing their children along the way, only to have a spoon to dig a grave upon the frozen ground, just to leave them behind and carry onto Zion.... breaks my heart. They had to endure to their final ends of their lives before they could be reunited with their sweet angel children again. I can not do that. I knew from the very beginning that I could never wait that long til we are with you again Caleb. I thought that perhaps the reason was for me to help people prepare to loose a child, but I have fought that off over and over again. I do not want to do that. I do not want to be the one to prepare others to loose anyone, especially a sweet little child... it hurts too much. I do not want people to hurt as I have and to see them carry that ache for the rest of their mortal lives. No, that could not be what I was to learn from this all! Nothing positive was coming from it, nothing! And it was only making me feel more and more frustrated and depressed.
I have been taught as a child that the purpose of God is (Moses 1:39) to bring about the immortality and eternal life of man. And as I read that again, it HIT! That is God's purpose! That is his part. I do not have to do it, teaching about death and preparing the hearts to loose a child is not what I need to be doing. As what I thought perhaps it was for years, but that is a heavy burden for one to carry and try to teach about, a direction that has not been healing on my heart. Also as a child I have been taught about the coming of Christ. Something that I always wanted to happen when I was a child, but with reading in the Bible and reviewing the signs, I have discovered my smile- MY lesson for me to take away from walking down this path, from once saying that I will never be happy again. I do not need to endure to the end of my mortal life because Christ will be coming long before that. And He will be bringing you, Caleb, to me, so I do not need to wait as long as my Heroes. And I CAN do that! I CAN prepare for Christ to come, the healing that will be taken place at that time will be remarkable and astonishing. I CAN prepare myself and family to be with you again! I CAN be more positive with my thoughts for they will lead me to more pleasant circumstances for our family. I know that I CAN do this. And for me to say that I CAN, is a miracle all in itself.
This journey has been nothing but struggling and praying for the light, pleading for the light, and never seeing the light, but hoping and trusting that the light will come in some way and in some form. But when one finally sees a glimmer of that light, it brings instant calming of peace on your heart and brings contentment in your life letting you know that you CAN keep moving forward and that it is ok, for you to keep moving forward. So did my religion fail me, did my faith fail me? Only when I chose to focus on the negative, which kept me from being able to see the circumstance in a different direction, and to feel the situation with a renewed heart. Push to See, Choose to Feel, has been my Motto, in trying to stay positive even when it may seem bleak with little to no hope.
Words cannot begin to describe my love for you Caleb. I cannot wait til our hearts are finally made whole. I know that that time is coming soon, I rejoice in that and can smile and say that I CAN.
With Much Love To You, Love Always Your Mommy
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