Push to See, Choose to Feel: A post for January

Dear Caleb,

January was not a very good month. There has been much that has taken place within myself, making it very difficult to know how to put it all into words. The events of the holidays backed right up to a new year really threw me for a loop. Why on earth would one want to do a another year if it just brings more misery and heartache? Being apart of a community church where one is taught that there is a plan of happiness, where men are to have joy.... where was my joy, where was my happiness that I have so desperately longed for and desired? Had my religion, my faith failed me? Because I obvious was not feeling anything even close to being truly happy these past many, many years.
The exhaustion of dealing with my emotional bio polar disorder with the severe spikes of ups and downs have been beyond draining to my body and mind. When caught up in a downward spike, everything swirls and spins, I can hardily breathe, I can hardily move, I am caught in a very deep dark place and I am literally trapped. The longer I allow myself to be made a prisoner of such bitter circumstances the deeper the despair and the harder it is to pull out. To pull out takes a lot of mental power, focusing on something that helps me to see the circumstance in another way or a different angle, and making the choice to choose my family over the hidden enemy. Going on 6 years of battling these episodes day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.... takes a huge toll on ones body.
 A cousin of mine shared something that really spoke to my heart during this last bitter episode, it said, "If you are tired of being tired, then stop giving up." There have been so many times which I had said this very thing, "I am so tired of being tired", but I had no idea of why. I had no idea that when I gave into the depression and negative thoughts that I was giving up, which was taking me under each and every single time. And trying to literally fight it off each and very single time has been unbelievably exhausting. I have personally come to understand how powerful our thoughts can be, they have REAL affect in pulling us in one direction or another. I never really understood this or knew that this was even really possible until now.
 I have been struggling for years in sorting out why we were given this trial of loosing you, Caleb? What was I truly to learn from it, other then to know how to feel great sympathy for others in sorrow and pain. There had to be another reason, a direction of a positive note that would touch my heart and help me to smile and mean it, laugh and mean it, truly understand that I can and want to be happy again... there had to be something!!  And that something is what I have been searching for, and it has taken me to be at my wits end of being tired of being tired to finally be ready to listen and to see.
I am not one who can endure to the end from such a trial. I have been taught as a child that we are to endure to the end, but I am not as strong as some of my amazing heroes. I look at the Mormon Pioneers with so much awe; for them to move across in the bitter cold for religious freedom, loosing their children along the way, only to have a spoon to dig a grave upon the frozen ground, just to leave them behind and carry onto Zion.... breaks my heart. They had to endure to their final ends of their lives before they could be reunited with their sweet angel children again. I can not do that. I knew from the very beginning that I could never wait that long til we are with you again Caleb. I thought that perhaps the reason was for me to help people prepare to loose a child, but I have fought that off over and over again. I do not want to do that. I do not want to be the one to prepare others to loose anyone, especially a sweet little child... it hurts too much. I do not want people to hurt as I have and to see them carry that ache  for the rest of their mortal lives. No, that could not be what I was to learn from this all! Nothing positive was coming from it, nothing! And it was only making me feel more and more frustrated and depressed.
I have been taught as a child that the purpose of God is (Moses 1:39) to bring about the immortality and eternal life of man. And as I read that again, it HIT! That is God's purpose! That is his part. I do not have to do it, teaching about death and preparing the hearts to loose a child is not what I need to be doing. As what I thought perhaps it was for years, but that is a heavy burden for one to carry and try to teach about, a direction that has not been healing on my heart. Also as a child I have been taught about the coming of Christ. Something that I always wanted to happen when I was a child, but with reading in the Bible and reviewing the signs, I have discovered my smile- MY lesson for me to take away from walking down this path, from once saying that I will never be happy again. I do not need to endure to the end of my mortal life because Christ will be coming long before that. And He will be bringing you, Caleb, to me, so I do not need to wait as long as my Heroes. And I CAN do that! I CAN prepare for Christ to come, the healing that will be taken place at that time will be remarkable and astonishing. I CAN prepare myself and family to be with you again! I CAN be more positive with my thoughts for they will lead me to more pleasant circumstances for our family. I know that I CAN do this. And for me to say that I CAN, is a miracle all in itself.
This journey has been nothing but struggling and praying for the light, pleading for the light, and never seeing the light, but hoping and trusting that the light will come in some way and in some form. But when one finally sees a glimmer of that light, it brings instant calming of peace on your heart and brings contentment in your life letting you know that you CAN keep moving forward and that it is ok, for you to keep moving forward. So did my religion fail me, did my faith fail me? Only when I chose to focus on the negative, which kept me from being able to see the circumstance in a different direction, and to feel the situation with a renewed heart. Push to See, Choose to Feel, has been my Motto, in trying to stay positive even when it may seem bleak with little to no hope.

Words cannot begin to describe my love for you Caleb. I cannot wait til our hearts are finally made whole. I know that that time is coming soon, I rejoice in that and can smile and say that I CAN.
 With Much Love To You, Love Always Your Mommy