Chasing Our Family's Dream

Dear Caleb,

Spring is at our door step; there's a green haze along the side of the hills, splotches of green like patches are all over on the lawns, sweet spring songs from the birds can be heard at the break of dawn.
Yes, it is an early Spring here this year, for once I am thankful for that. Spring usually means that the ringer of birthdays are about to unfold, with your sisters gaining one more year on you, and your little brother catching up all too soon. But my thoughts are not taken in that direction this year. Something, a mental chemical balance of my emotions, has finally been put in check. I can honestly say that an inner change has occur since the intense downward spiral from January. And Spring is bringing me renewed strength, I can almost breathe again with out feeling the heavy weight of grief crushing my chest.

In January, I had a strong impression that Change was coming. I have been waiting and wanting for change to interrupt our unpleasant reality from our grieving, broken hearts. I needed something, but that something for over 5 years was not coming. The mind set finally occurred to me that, if that "something" was not coming as I had hoped and prayed for, then by golly "I" would be the change. As I  focused on change, to allow the change, to help the change, to bring the change.... we have been blessed with a change, that "something!"

Move 13 for our family, move 4 since the you were with us has arrived! In this move we will be chasing our family's dream. Like the movie "We bought a Zoo" has been our dream, to have our acreage and have our own farm... our own zoo. And this place that we are moving to, will allow for this dream to become possible. I am starting to feel alive again, and actually be excited for something, excited for change! After the accident I really gave up on dreams, I had lost so many of mine that left with you. I did not believe even in having goals. To me that meant you would just be setting yourself up for failure if it wasn't meant to be, so I often thought, why would I want to see more of my dreams fall through. Goals, dreams equalled more broken hearts... I did not care for any of that.

My only dream, my only hope was for you to be saved and brought back to us here and now? But when that hope was crushed, my only dream was to work hard to be found worth to have us all be together again, which meant not until the coming of the Savior, Jesus Christ. But how could I possibly hold out til then, I often thought, will I make it? Will our family hold together long enough to see that day, when you will becoming down with the angels from heaven? That was my only dream, my only goal that I had strength to fight for, other dreams and goals just didn't seem to compare or come close to what I desperately wanted,You Caleb.

I have learned so much from each move after the accident. From the first move I learned how to          re-introduce our family with having a missing piece which others will never get to know. That was incredibly hard to say that I had 3 kids, when I really had 4. I was unkind and very unfriendly whenever I was asked such difficult questions for myself, when really to others is was simple and easy to answer. These people were so kind and patient with me as I fumbled and panicked for that words to say. I could never use numbers, Caleb you are ours and will be forever, so I learned a way around it to satisfy all sides. I start by saying, "Well my oldest daughter is___, and end with my youngest son is___." That has brought myself so much peace, you still have your spot as the oldest boy in our family and always will.

The lesson from the Second Move was more complex taking a lot for me to get, which was, That It Is OK to let others love me and service me. So much was happening at the time of the accident that my head was swirling so fast, and so many people were trying to help and be there for us. They all are the dearest people on my soul, for them to be there when we needed help, however, I felt ashamed to have taken up so much of their time, money, and energy. I vowed to never be a hinderment on people again, and I did just that, pushed, pushed, pushed people away. On this move, these people were tender, gentle didn't push me away as I was trying to push them. They won my heart over reminding me that it is Ok to let people in, and that I was someone that could be loved. It was the start in finding my smile and laugh again after their disappearance for so many years.

This Third Move has been monumental. Sadly, negativity has been my side kick from the start. You could easily feel the anger and frustrations spew out in almost every word that was spoken. Trying to see the good, or to knowledge that the light was coming, was not something that came naturally and truly those that did made me more angry. It bugged me that others would often give advice when they never walked in that person's shoes, it is almost unfair for them to be giving advice when they have not experience such deep heart ache themselves. I have learned that the circumstance of the deep heartache does not have to be the same. It is IN the deep grieving that is common, the uprooted jagged road that people are place on, in having no choice but to face the reality of it, this is what is the same. I've come across many friends and though their uprooted circumstance was different, they brought me comfort as they found ways to be positive, and it caught me off guard- WAY off guard. I did not know that that was even possible. And I was determined for the first time that I was going to try it out. For every one negative thought that came, I would replace it with a positive one and see what would come from it. Could a negative person who only could see the dark and feel the hurt, really become someone that could see and feel the light and be happy? I wondered as I put this to the tested. From January til now I  have come to understand that it is INEED so. I have been on an UP since mid January and that IS a big deal for me.... a VERY big deal.

That brings me to our 4th Move this Spring. In giving up on dreams I never thought we would be given one of our family's treasured desires. Though my up-most dream is for us to be with you again Caleb, but I have been renewed with hope, that there are dreams that can be accomplished here and now as we await to be with you again. I am tickling with excitement for us to chase after this family dream. A place were we can have our fresh new start, a complete change, a slower pace for healing, a slower place in trying to keep up with things, being around the healing powers of nature and animals... the list goes on, and on. I am overwhelmed with delight that finally I have something to smile about, talk about, look forward about. I'm humbled as our family has been given this opportunity to start a new chapter of memories, dreams and goals together, and I am ready to be apart of it! I am ready. I am so thankfully for our change, our new something to excite us and keep us moving closer and together as a family; For once it was dark and bleak, now there is growing hope and peace.

Caleb, I don't know exactly what you are doing that is helping us, but I know whatever you are doing it is working... we are seeing that light and it is getting brighter and brighter, something I thought would never be, and yet here we are. Thank You Caleb, I can not wait to thank you in person and to give you an enormous hug as I swing you around and hold you in my arms... I Miss You.

Love You Always, Your Mommy