~~We LOVE The Gospel Of Jesus Christ~~

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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Fall Brings Falling Emotions

Dear Caleb,

Fall still brings much uneasiness to my heart, and so much aching; as we enter into a new school year. Inside I am a mess; there is a continue flowing of tears that just never stop. I do not want to start another school year without you. It is so difficult to keep myself together these days. Fall used to be my favorite season, then it changed- becoming one of my most dreaded times of the year. Thankfully this year I was reminded by the Lord that there is one thing, one ray of hope that is given to me each Fall Season.... it is the blessed words of The leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; the Prophet Thomas S. Monson and the 12 Apostles. I always look forward to hear from them each General Conference. Their words bring so much peace to my aching and broken heart. I received much guidance and strength from them. I feel that I have a better firm map of life that will help keep me moving until 6 months from now, when we will hear from them again.
Fall time means birthday time for me. Before the accident I used to think how terrible it was to be getting older, that it was an embarrassing thing to tell people how 'Old' I really was. But my birthdays have become such a thing of JOY! I am SO glad to be getting older, that that means I have one more year done in this, my mortal life- making the gap closer to being with you again. I proudly told people how old I was, and how grateful I was to be getting older. I am so excited to be 80 years old, for my body will finally match my brain. I often get jealous of old people and think how lucky the are to be on their last leg, and how I wished we could switch shoes.
I think of these 80 year old people and think about the wonderful lives they have lived and all the things that they saw in their prime, and how things must seem so foreign to them today. All the technology, the pace of life, the way things work and run in this world.... how different it was for them in their day. And all their dear friends and family slowly leaving them into the next and better life, perhaps feeling like they are getting left behind to stay in a weird world that they can not keep up with nor understand. So when it is time for them to make the joyous move to be reunited, it comes as a welcomed visitor. For there is nothing better then being with family and friends..... truly Heaven is such a joyous place that should not be feared, but to be welcome with full open arms.
When I am having a difficult time and things are taking longer than desired, or feel like I can handle... I remind myself of the scripture in The Book of Mormon found in Alma 40:8, "All is as one day with God, and time is only measured unto men." And I tell myself over and over again, 'Time is measured only unto men, time is measured only unto men, time is measured only unto men...' This helps me to stay firm and focused on God's will and timing for us as a family.
I woke up early on my birthday morning and drove to my favorite place on earth to go. It is the only place where I can feel of the loving, ever most comforting arms of the Lord around me. A place where you can not help but feel lifted when you leave. However, unfortunately this was not the case for me this time. I never thought that one could have an unpleasant experience in this amazing place. I left with a much heavier heart then what I came with. This month has just been difficult, just full of confusion of knowing God's will for us.... I get so puzzled at times, and think 'Why does God think we can handle this? This is so much bigger than anything I have ever been through.' The affect is not just temporary, it is permanent. The damage has been done, but I can not allow myself to think that it will always be like this... because it will not. Our joy Caleb, is coming in the morning. When Christ comes, he will bring healing in his wings. How truly, truly blessed we are to know the because of Christ ALL will truly be made right.
This is our hope. This is our Focus. For this is God's promise to us, and he ALWAYS keeps his promises. How we love him for that.
Since God's timing is different then ours, I will say to you our sweet boy... We will see you in the morning.

Love, Your Mommy.