Tribulation Worketh Patience

Dear Caleb,

Going into your Second Angel Day, I felt like we were all alone, and on our own with dealing with all this grief and emotion by ourselves. I keep feeling like we had developed some kind of disease that caused others to keep their distance from us. After the accident I have to admit I did not like all the cards and flowers, etc simply because I did not want all this attention. I did not want to admit that I needed help. I did not want to admit that we were currently facing our One and only fear in this world. From then to now I have learned to MISS such tender reminders that we are still known and loved by God. That he hasn't forgotten us, because thankfully I have learned "that it is usually through others that he helps meet our needs." Said by a former prophet of our church, President Spencer W. Kimball. As again our heart were reminded of God love for us, for he sent SO many people our way to help us once again carry the weight of this difficult burden we have been carrying. I always stand corrected by his loving and so caring hand, which brings such peace to my heart and mind.
It's been a difficult recovery from last month's emotional events. I have had quite the emotional out of the blue hiccups that would just come in enormous waves. Your poor Father and siblings are so used to my randomness, that when the hiccups come, they loving look at me sigh and say, "Moms got the hiccups again." They are so good with just giving me space to let out my tears, how blessed we are Caleb to have such wonderful family who loves us. I have embarrassed myself a good many times this month with my hiccups. The other people that are so patient with me, and I feel sorry that they have to deal with my hiccups so much are the members of our church ward. They are so kind and loving, how blessed we are to have been placed in such a loving and understanding ward. Though I am sure that I am know as the lunatic of the ward with all these hiccups, but that is just fine. On top of all these hiccups I have received a new church calling in the ward. It was emotionally difficult for me to accept this one, AGAIN. For it is the same one that I had when you were with us in Nebraska. I feel obligated to do better this time around, for we both know that I failed it the first time. There is so much anxiety this time around that I am an emotional wreck with feeling like..... here I am again. Floods of memories constantly fill my mind, and bring much ache to my heart. Dad and I have been reading in Romans chapter Five. Oh how I love Paul. How I wish that I too could change my name to reflect my heart and be a reminder to myself of the old me and the new me. In verses 3-5 they say, "We glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulations worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience hope. And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." Now it is truly through tribulations that gives us experience and knowledge of understanding of such things. For without it, we could not fulfill the very purpose of why we are here- for that is to become like God and be perfected in Christ. For we have only limited understanding without the blessings of tribulation, which opens our minds, in making room for more light and knowledge. In Romans 8: 24-26 it says, "For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope; for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Caleb so many of us pray for safely, pray for peace, pray to be kept out of harms way. So why is it that some are not given such things? It is simply because we do not know what to pray for. We think that these things are what we need, for truly it is God who knows what we need to learn and understand, especially when it comes time to be given further light and knowledge. One can shrug, as I did and sometimes still do, when one is stretched by unfavorable tribulations. I have come to better understand that, when tribulations come it is in that moment that we need to show our reverence and humility out to God, and say as Christ did, 'Thine will be done.' "For who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulations, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angles, nor principalities, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the Love of God, which is in Christ, Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:25-39.)
I am living proof that God's loving, merciful hand is continually stretched out always. It is ourselves that turn our backs on such loving and ever so capable hands. And yet his love is infinitely so tender and patient with our ever constant emotional hiccups. My newest thoughts are 'Bring it on!' "What shall we say to these? If God be for us, who can be against us?"(Romans 8:31) I welcome all these hiccup challenges, the accepting of the same church calling with being over cub scouts again, the selling of our special van that we bought with you in Nebraska... if anything good is going to come from any of this, it will be that us Mathison's ARE Finishers!!!

I love you,
Love Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers: How you would ALWAYS bite on your straws, and how it would driving everyone crazy when we were sharing a drink. (Tamara has now in honor of you started to do this.)
LIahona remembers: How you used to be afraid of fireworks, but on our last 4th of July together, you lit them all up for us.
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How you liked to eat your eggs over easy the way dad would make them, because you like to poke the yellow yoke to make it run out and all over your plate.
Dad (Eric) remembers: How you would often wanted to put up our tent in the backyard to sleep in.