Dear Caleb,
Well, the Frog House of which you called our home in Nebraska has sold. It sold in less than 5 days being on the market. I felt as though we were forced to move out, and that our home was no longer ours. It was very hard putting away all your toys, and clothes in boxes. I could not throw a single thing away; I had to keep all your drawings, writings, wrappers, and rocks…. I couldn't get myself to part with anything of yours, even your baby items that Montey is not using anymore. It was the hardest part of our move. As I was packing and cleaning I couldn’t help but think of the modern day Pioneers as they had to move from place to place by force from the mobs that would come and attack them just because of their belief in their God. Though no mobs were attacking us and forcing us to move, this was still a very unwanted, very hard move for us. As I was sweeping my kitchen floor for the last time I kept thinking about the words from Bathsheba Smith, “My last act in that precious spot was to tidy the rooms, sweep up the floor, and set the broom in its accustomed place behind the door. Then with emotions in my heart...I gently closed the door and faced unknown future; faced it with faith in God and with no less assurance of the ultimate establishment of the Gospel in the West and of its true enduring principles, than I had felt in those trying scenes in Missouri." Though our trying times have been there in Nebraska, our hearts have been made stronger, our focus more sure, and our hearts more true. Your sisters and I said our goodbyes to very thing: to the bedrooms, to the walls, to the yard, and the frog pond. We all started to cry, I kept saying, “It’s okay to cry, because we are going to miss our Nebraska home.” I pulled them in and hugged them as we looked out at the frog pond one last time. I could not stall and throw any temper tantrums anymore, because this is actually real. Our hearts are broken all over again, and it feels that we have lost you again. Liahona said to me, “Mom I feel closer to Caleb in Nebraska.” I leaned over and said to her, “I know, me too.” Caleb those beautiful memories we have with you in Nebraska are engraved so deep on our hearts, we are grateful for our June roses in these Decembers of our lives, this is what keeps us strong, and keeps us moving forward to be with you again someday. A day of which we hope is soon.
Driving in the Van away from Lincoln Nebraska was completely difficult. Looking at the capitol building that we loved to go visit and play hide’n’seek at would soon be no more. I kept getting the feeling that what I came to accomplish was never fulfilled. What did I do and learn these past 3 years here in Lincoln. Your father came with a goal and accomplished his, but what about me? I was feeling so uneasy about not knowing any good that came from me living there for 3 years. Then it came to me. We accomplished the amazing with our homeschool studies as a family, it truly pulled us together, and made our bonds strong. A blessing that I will forever be grateful unto the Lord for guiding us in this way. …a way that I plan to continue, for the accomplishment of the success and benefit for our family. For the families that pray together stays together, and that is our goal as a family. Though I may have done this one thing correct, there was still some uneasiness about what I did not accomplish. Before we left Nebraska we drove out to your corner to say our Nebraska goodbyes, and to weed and care for your spot one last time. Emotions were very HIGH, it was very hard on our hearts to be leaving apart of our memories of you behind. I am frustrated that I failed at caring for you when you trusted me most of all. This is what I failed to accomplish here in Nebraska, not being able to help and stop this unwanted situation. My mind is still feeling the effects of everything; I cannot remember anything from the accident. And my short-term memory is shot; I can’t remember much throughout the day. It is irritating to have an 80-year-old memory in a 29-year-old body, but it is what it is. Though I physically failed at being that protective mother to keep you out of harms way, this is something that will forever be heavy on my heart, until it will be my turn to join you. Thankfully, together we did succeed as a family to obtain the spiritual focus on our journey here on earth. We taught you who you are; a child of God, why we are here; to be more like our Savior, and where we go hereafter; back with our loving Father in Heaven. So we succeeded Spiritually here in Nebraska teaching you things of much importance in a world that can be difficult to follow and obey what we know to be right and true. Thank you Caleb for helping our family to be stronger, and keeping us on the path that we know to be true with all our hearts. How grateful we are to know that the gospel of Jesus Christ makes it possible for families to be together, not just in this life but for all eternity. Knowing these things as a child did not make this challenge easier for our family. We had to make the choice and choose for ourselves to either believe what we were taught or nor. Thankfully the promise of the Holy Ghost to always be with us and guide us is real, the promptings of the still small voice can teach us all things, even to know what direction we need to take when we are confused and blinded with very heavy emotions; as what we were. But as a family we have accomplished the impossible it feels like. Starting there in Nebraska, taking us to Washington……we will not fail you anymore Caleb. We do not dare to fail you anymore; we love you and hope to be with you again someday, so we know we too must do our part.
Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers how Caleb liked playing with his legos.
Liahona remembers how Caleb loved playing with his lego computer games.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb loved to help out with his baby brother.
Dad (Eric) remembers how excellent Caleb's memory was with directions. He always knew where we were going.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Birthday Wishes
Dear Caleb,
Today marks your 9th birthday. Ending the 2 weeks that both you and Liahona were both 8 years old together. You will always have your place as the big brother no matter how old your siblings continue to be. We are so grateful for such a great and wonderful example that you set for them to follow.
As I woke up this morning I was thinking of the glorious day of your birth. You came at 2:00am in the morning to join our family, at the Madision Memorial Hospital in Rexburg Idaho. When both dad and I were still in school at Rick’s College, which was the last year that that school would be known as that name, and was changing to BYU-Idaho.
The 22nd of June 2001 was your actual due date, I started contractions at 2:00am that morning with just minor cramping. We didn’t think much of it, thinking that it would just be false labor, so we just continued with our day. In the late afternoon they started to get stronger. I had a visiting teaching appointment scheduled with a dear friend, Crystal, and as we visited with her I was timing the contractions. They were now 5 mins apart. When we were done with our fun visit, I went home and told your father. He thought that if it were false labor they would stop if we changed our physical movement. And since I was just sitting at my visiting teaching visit; he wanted us to go for a walk. It was a very nice day, pretty warm, so we went for a pleasant walk. I remember taking pictures with your Dad on our walk and he took some of us as I stretched after the walk. Once we got back it seemed to have worked the contractions stopped. But it didn’t last too long, only about 20 minutes before they came back, but twice a stronger. We timed them and they were about 3 mins apart at that time. We started to get a little anxious, not really knowing what to do so your father called your Grandmother Mathison. She told us that we should call our doctor and head to the hospital. So we called the doctor, and Dr. Crouch told us that same thing, “Get to the Hospital.” It didn’t seem like a huge problem to us, so we were taking our time getting our stuff together as I paced around the apartment. It felt weird to be going to the hospital, not knowing what to expect. It was scary yet very exciting at the same time. Knowing that soon we would be parents with a little baby of our own to take care of and to love. We got to the hospital at 6pm and the main entrance was closed so we had to find and enter into the Emergency Entrance.
As we checked in I was pacing a lot more. The policy there at the hospital was that I had to be wheeled up to the maternity level, I did not like that. Sitting down hurt much more then standing. And the person was going so slow, that it was making me a little unhappy. I just wanted to get up to my room and get some medicines to take the edge of the pain away. We had the most wonderful Nurse; of which I am sad to say cannot remember her name. We were only dilated to a 2 when we arrived and they wanted me to be at least dilated to a 4 before they would give me any pain meds. She was very nice and got us all situated, and out of my way as I continued to pace the room’s floor, practically running over her and your father. Your father learned quickly that all of our Lamaze classes were just a waste of time, and a joke because it did not work for us. I was just expecting some nubane IV drug, when the anesthesiologist came into the room to give me an epidural. My contracts were a min on top of each other at that point and I just wanted anything, however, thankfully I was close to being at a 4 so they prepared to administer the epidural just so I would calm down. Eric had to do all the read of what could happen and his eyes widened very wide. Asking me if I was sure that I wanted to do this? I remember saying, “Anything that will make this pain stop I am all for it.” So he signed all the papers and listened to and answered all the questions that I was asked because I would NOT answer them, nor acknowledge that they were even there in the room, because I was focused on one thing and one thing only…. The Pain.
Once the epidermal was in I remember apologizing to everyone. I felt bad that I couldn’t seem to be myself with all the physical pain that came on so fast, but once the meds were in it was all good. I remember trying to take a nap, but waking up shortly to your father watching hockey, the Stanly Cup. We were progressing well until midnight hit. When we were finally at a 10, my contracts slowed down tremendously to every 15mins. So the doctors were going to use the vacuum with you to help get you out, but I refused. Two hours pushing with contractions every 15mins, you finally came 24 hours later, 2:00am today, 9 years ago.
Happy Birthday Caleb. I would do this all over again just to bring you back here to be with us again. Because not having you here is MUCH more difficult and Much more hard. We love you and miss you more than our words can describe. We tried to do things that you would have wanted to do, to show you our love….. but it obviously wasn’t the same without you here.
Happy 9th Birthday!! Love your Mommy, Daddy, Sisters, and Baby Brother
Today marks your 9th birthday. Ending the 2 weeks that both you and Liahona were both 8 years old together. You will always have your place as the big brother no matter how old your siblings continue to be. We are so grateful for such a great and wonderful example that you set for them to follow.
As I woke up this morning I was thinking of the glorious day of your birth. You came at 2:00am in the morning to join our family, at the Madision Memorial Hospital in Rexburg Idaho. When both dad and I were still in school at Rick’s College, which was the last year that that school would be known as that name, and was changing to BYU-Idaho.
The 22nd of June 2001 was your actual due date, I started contractions at 2:00am that morning with just minor cramping. We didn’t think much of it, thinking that it would just be false labor, so we just continued with our day. In the late afternoon they started to get stronger. I had a visiting teaching appointment scheduled with a dear friend, Crystal, and as we visited with her I was timing the contractions. They were now 5 mins apart. When we were done with our fun visit, I went home and told your father. He thought that if it were false labor they would stop if we changed our physical movement. And since I was just sitting at my visiting teaching visit; he wanted us to go for a walk. It was a very nice day, pretty warm, so we went for a pleasant walk. I remember taking pictures with your Dad on our walk and he took some of us as I stretched after the walk. Once we got back it seemed to have worked the contractions stopped. But it didn’t last too long, only about 20 minutes before they came back, but twice a stronger. We timed them and they were about 3 mins apart at that time. We started to get a little anxious, not really knowing what to do so your father called your Grandmother Mathison. She told us that we should call our doctor and head to the hospital. So we called the doctor, and Dr. Crouch told us that same thing, “Get to the Hospital.” It didn’t seem like a huge problem to us, so we were taking our time getting our stuff together as I paced around the apartment. It felt weird to be going to the hospital, not knowing what to expect. It was scary yet very exciting at the same time. Knowing that soon we would be parents with a little baby of our own to take care of and to love. We got to the hospital at 6pm and the main entrance was closed so we had to find and enter into the Emergency Entrance.
As we checked in I was pacing a lot more. The policy there at the hospital was that I had to be wheeled up to the maternity level, I did not like that. Sitting down hurt much more then standing. And the person was going so slow, that it was making me a little unhappy. I just wanted to get up to my room and get some medicines to take the edge of the pain away. We had the most wonderful Nurse; of which I am sad to say cannot remember her name. We were only dilated to a 2 when we arrived and they wanted me to be at least dilated to a 4 before they would give me any pain meds. She was very nice and got us all situated, and out of my way as I continued to pace the room’s floor, practically running over her and your father. Your father learned quickly that all of our Lamaze classes were just a waste of time, and a joke because it did not work for us. I was just expecting some nubane IV drug, when the anesthesiologist came into the room to give me an epidural. My contracts were a min on top of each other at that point and I just wanted anything, however, thankfully I was close to being at a 4 so they prepared to administer the epidural just so I would calm down. Eric had to do all the read of what could happen and his eyes widened very wide. Asking me if I was sure that I wanted to do this? I remember saying, “Anything that will make this pain stop I am all for it.” So he signed all the papers and listened to and answered all the questions that I was asked because I would NOT answer them, nor acknowledge that they were even there in the room, because I was focused on one thing and one thing only…. The Pain.
Once the epidermal was in I remember apologizing to everyone. I felt bad that I couldn’t seem to be myself with all the physical pain that came on so fast, but once the meds were in it was all good. I remember trying to take a nap, but waking up shortly to your father watching hockey, the Stanly Cup. We were progressing well until midnight hit. When we were finally at a 10, my contracts slowed down tremendously to every 15mins. So the doctors were going to use the vacuum with you to help get you out, but I refused. Two hours pushing with contractions every 15mins, you finally came 24 hours later, 2:00am today, 9 years ago.
Happy Birthday Caleb. I would do this all over again just to bring you back here to be with us again. Because not having you here is MUCH more difficult and Much more hard. We love you and miss you more than our words can describe. We tried to do things that you would have wanted to do, to show you our love….. but it obviously wasn’t the same without you here.
Happy 9th Birthday!! Love your Mommy, Daddy, Sisters, and Baby Brother
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