It is Enough

Dear Caleb,

Though I am physically present I've had a very difficult time living in it, as I have longed for the past in Nebraska, and dreamed of the future when we are with you again. Living anywhere but here and now, because that pain has been too hard, too much heart ache from day to day.

It will soon be 6 long years without you and that is very tough to swallow... it has been so long- It feels like forever and I still do not like it, not one bit. But something in me has changed recently, call it a chemical, mental, or attitude change but with our family's new move currently going on, it has allowed for me to make and plan more dreams for here and now with our family.

My perspective has been more of the positive, as well as my conversations with others that I have conversed with lately and that is saying something. That is a really big deal for me to be smiling more and able to communicate without expressing so much anger at and towards everyone, just because they did not loose their son. But it is not their fault, so it is unfair to be angry and judgemental towards others because frankly they just don't know, nor will they ever know, so why did I feel like I needed to punish everyone for smiling and laughing?

It still hurts to see other boys your age, thinking that would have been you enjoying life to the fullest, but it is only hurting me in the long run- holding on to such dreams that will never be ours right now. I am my own punching bag that I keep beating at, again and again throughout these  many years.

And I strongly feel that it is enough, my grieving the aching, the piercing pain... it has been Enough. And it is time to live in the present. I can not do anything about the past. Constantly trying to live in it did not change the outcome, it will never change or go away... it is what it is. And as difficult as that can be to accept, I have learned that one needs to come to terms with it, in facing it head on with what it is- Accepting and Allowing to continue stronger down the road.

I have decided in helping me to let go of the past, I will be ending my letters to you. I have loved every minute with you Caleb. These letters have been my source of strength and encouragement with sentimental needed moments of being with you. But it is time to be here and now. I will check in with you as time continues and write you a note here and there, but writing each month, it is enough.

And as for longing for Nebraska and constantly trying to live there in my mind, your Daddy and I will be going there soon. We will be going to our accident site, which we call 'Caleb's Corner' to retrieve your cross and flowers. It has been good on my heart to have that there, and have friends go out to be with you and replace flowers from time to time, but it is enough.

It is time to start living again and trying to get back in touch with family life and this move will be a great opportunity for me to start again- my 4th chance to start over. But the difference this time is, I know I can do it. This time I know we are moving to where you physically are not so I need not to try and find you. This time I can let go of anger, despair, my longing to live elsewhere. This time is the right time because like you told me Caleb, "It is going to be okay."

I love you my sweet Buddy Boy. I never knew that I could keep living when my heart has been broken and shredded into pieces. Loosing a child was always my worst fear in life, nothing comes close to it in comparison. But I have finally allowed myself to play a new record and it says, "It is enough because everything is going to be okay."

See you in my Dreams Buddy Boy.
Love You Always, Your Momma