Healing Stinks!

Dear Caleb,

Things have been "weird" since my birthday last month. Why is it that whenever  "healing" is involved it always feels like you take one step forward but, you get the ripple effect of three steps backwards? Sometimes I wonder what's the point, if you always land right on your face again. I have officially decided that healing stinks!!!

Healing hurts and pushes one in ways that is just down right hard and difficult. Sometimes I wonder if the light will ever come. I know that it will, because it always does... but sometimes it is just bleak.  I would  trade this all just to have "moments" of a normal life again.  I get surges of confidence boosts every so often, and that is when the "healing" road picks up again, which always seems to be followed by the drops from the releasing of the ache and pain of the past.

Staying in the past is hard on the heart, relieving the past is hard on the heart... but ignoring it- well that is worse. Though it seems like that is the way to go at times- to ignore the hurt, to ignore the ache, to ignore that you can even feel, gets you no where. But that is an illusion, because we are always moving, for if we are not moving froward, then we are moving backwards.

Four years of crying, and my well of tears are all dried out. I do not cry the way that I used too. It is my heart that does the crying, no know can see but it is always likening: things, others, ways, to our life and it cries often. Grief knows grief so well, it is a welcoming friend at times, especially those wonderful friends that know a deep grief like ourselves.

The one thing that I do not like is that there is so many different ways that it (grief) can be done. It is so difficult to get a handle on the how, the who, the what, of everyone that is dealing with things in their own ways. It can really put a damper on things. Only as of recent times, I have realized a flip side to this. There is a hidden beauty, because that means that there are that many ways that people can receive help from people who have similar feeling, grieving hearts like themselves.

Yes, I have determined that Healing Stinks! I do not like it one bit, I do not like it Sam I Am!
But one gets to do what one has been given to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder if my heart can handle this work. I know that we are not exempted from hardships because of our past, though I often wished that we could be. Yet, I know what needs to be done. Please Dear Lord help our hearts to not fail.

Love You Caleb,
Love Your Mommy