Dear Caleb,
Where does the time go. It does not feel like 11months, if feels like our temporary parting was just yesterday, as the ache and hurt is still strong. And yet at the same time, it feels as though it has been forever already without seeing your sweet smile in person. We miss you more than any words can describe. It is frustrating being separated from those that you love, even if we do know that it is just temporary. Liahona was baptized last month. On the same day that you were last year. I cannot believe that it was only just last year that we were helping you to follow the ways of our Savior, into the waters of baptism. Now our two Irish twins have both been baptized. For a long time I have been very nervous to allow Liahona to be baptized. Thinking that once she too got baptized, that she would be leaving us here and join you. I have been preparing my heart for anything, as we all are anxious to be with you again. I know that whatever happens, that you are there to greet her or us, and that we will be alright. WE still have each other, and I am grateful for that. I have been thinking much about, how it would be all the more difficult, if we were not able to do our part, and make righteous choices which would enable us to be together for all eternity. Just those thoughts alone make me cringe; to even think about being separated for all eternity. The pain is intense enough now, I do not want to experience a pain exceeding what we already are carrying. I desire for our family to be complete again, to put away all this pain and ache, to be filled with pure and firm everlasting joy. This is why I know we must all do what we can to be like our savior and to follow his example. I am glad that Liahona made this decision to be like her savior and to be baptized. She is doing her part and helping our family in staying spiritually strong.
Caleb I have to admit that I am conflicted on understanding how to be happy and have joy here on this earth without you with us. I have pondered and prayed about the scripture in the Book of Mormon found in 2 Nephi 2:25, which says, "Adam fell that men might be and men are that they might have joy." I thought that I knew what this "joy" meant. Now I am not sure if I really understood it completely. I used to think that this "joy" would be going to some place extravagant, or doing something so exciting and new. Though this may bring some people "joy," to me it is not the lasting "joy" that I am looking for. I do not want these kinds of "joys." I want the eternal "joy" that can not be obtained yet, here on this life. I want the millennial peace of rest, the sweet reunion of our family, and all our sorrow to be wiped away with this eternal "joy." Caleb I challenged myself to read the bible when you were born, and on the 23rd of this month I finished it. It took me 9 long years to read it but I finished it, I have you to thank for urging me forward. As I was reading from the great words of Micah in chapter 4 verse 9 and 10, I heard these words speak to me. Telling me how I can maintain a happiness here on earth, in spite of our temporary separation. These were the words that I heard, "Now, Tanya why do you cry out loud? Is there no King in your heart? Is Jesus Christ our counsellor perished? Pains have taken you, like a woman in childbirth. Be in pain if it is to help you labor to build Zion and bring forth good, O daughter of Zion. Just like a woman in childbirth brings forth much good and delivers a child. Make the Pain worth the Reward." As my motherhood nightmare continues, with ache beyond description, I am glad to be reminded by the Prophet Micah that my Lord and King Jesus Christ is indeed in my heart. And he can and will help our family to be reunited again, as long as we prove ourselves worthy of such a great blessing. My heart proclaims the same words that are found in Romans 1:16, "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ." And from Isaiah 12:2, "I will trust and not be afraid: for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song, he also is become my salvation." Caleb I am not afraid to stand as different from the world, I welcome it. I am not ashamed to be called a peculiar person, that is a compliment. Our Prophet, Thomas S. Monson told us, " We must learn to finish our assignments as the Lord did his. We must ask ourselves shall we falter or shall we finish? On the answer await the blessings of joy and happiness here in mortality and eternal life in the world to come. The marks of a true finisher, will be as a lamp to our feet in the journey through life. Ever beckoning us onward and lifting us upward is he who pleaded...come follow me." My brain tells me, give up, you can't survive this, you are too weak. But by heart, tells me push on, push on and use this pain to push us closer to our eternal "joy" that we long for as a family. We will not fail you, as a family we are strong, no matter which side of the veil we are on. We are one and we will make our dream become our reality someday, and shake of this temporary separation, and become an eternal family because Us Mathison's, we are Finishers!
We love you our buddy boy. Don't give up on us, we still desperately need you, Love Your Mommy
Memories:
Tamara remembers that Caleb said that he never wanted to have a pet tarantula.
Liahona remembers setting up a water station with Caleb and trying to sell water to mom and dad and Tamara for 10cents a cup.
Mom (Tanya) remembers how Caleb liked to drag his walking stick on the ground to make snake trails when hiking.
Dad (Eric) remembers how quick Caleb was to obey even when he didn't want to do what he was told to do .
