Truly We Are One (Mom)

Dear Sweet Cay-bub,

This pain is running too deep this month. It hurts all the more this year then last. The pain is strong, the taste is bitter, the sorrow is undesirable; it is an awful glance of the depths of what eternal and very real despair is. But to allow myself to be in despair would mean that I would have to turn my back against God. And I don't dare, for he is the very thing keeping me together, it is his hand that is continually pulling me away from where this awful gloom resides- for there is no escaping it's terrible grasp without his strengthening, loving support.

It has been two years, this 24th and 25th. The memories of us on our way to the scout store are still so crisp on my mind. The weather so beautiful, the sky was blue, everything was going so well for our family that day... How fast things can change. I pushed myself to review the pictures and comments from the accident, of all that I could find online. I feel so nauseous, so sick to my stomach, so light headed, so dizzy with all these emotions pouring into my weak mortal body. And yet after reading all the comments that were posted on every news site I could find, I do not feel any bitterness or anger towards any one's opinion. I cannot expect anyone to understand what happened, when I don't even know myself. I have nothing but the words of Our Savior, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do," or in my words from my prayer, "Father forgive them for they know not what they say." Yes, they did not have all the details, nor the position of being in my shoes and knowing my heart of a loving mother, for no mother who loves her children would ever put them in harms way- but would graciously take the full hit, if it meant for their children to pass by unhurt. All I remembering was riding with you, talking about football, dodging a deer that ran in front of us on Old Cheney Road. You were sitting in the front passenger side because we did not have airbags so that was legal. You wanted to sit up there ever since you were 7 years old, but we felt that you should at least wait until you were 8 years old, so you would be bigger and taller. So being eight years old, you sat up in the front with me on our outing. It was only your second time up in the front seat, and we were enjoying our conversation and just being together. And then the next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. Even the police after 3 months didn't know what happened, for the citation was returned. Our check was never deposited, but was returned right back to us. We always wanted to meet up with that wonderful young man in the other car, Travis Robeson. I know that even 2 years later it's got to be hard for him, especially if we are still aching with grief.

If you Caleb, had to leave, I know the Lord came to get you with his loving arms taking you instantly. You had so many people pulling for you on both sides of the veil, I often wonder if there was a small counsel to determine what was truly best for you. You have such an amazing support group still pulling for you today- there is so much love in their hearts. To be separated from those that we love causes such miserable aching, and longing on the very heartstrings of our hearts. Why did you take the whole blunt for us Caleb, that was suppose to be my role. I am just suppose to kiss your boo boos and put cute band aids on them so they heal and go away. You took everything!! It is a blessing to know that you are not suffering. Every time I get out of bed, I see that I have been give all the extensions of my limbs, and I think... how is that possible, unless you worked out a deal with God to spare me. I have reverenced my body in a way that I have never done before. To be given a second chance when you did not, I feel I am living my life with you. It is ours, we are one, our work on both sides of the veil are connected: We serve, we love, we forgive, and we know in whom we have to thank- for the promises to be an eternal family, to see and be together again; it is because of our Savior Jesus Christ. What a glorious plan of happiness of Father in Heaven created for us.

We live on strong because of you, of your example, of your selfless sacrifice for our family. Such beautiful examples you have left behind for us, there being only one other that has made such a strong sacrifice for our family; Jesus Christ. Our fight as a family is ever so strong, we know in what and why we live- it is to be found worthy to be together. Nothing compares to this our goal and righteous desire of our hearts. The sorrow, the pain, the aching, the longing pushes us onward. Thank goodness that your father and I got married in the Temple of the Lord, the only place in which we can be promised to be together forever, and not just til death do us part.
Thank goodness for temples and the priesthood of God that binds and seals families together.
We have been promised that if we stay strong, that these blessings can truly be ours.

We so love you Caleb.
We will not let you down, not after all that you have done to help keep our family together, you have done more than your share, we will do the rest.

=)Love Your Mommy

Memories:

Tamara remembers: How you liked to play the car card game called Millie Bornes.
Liahona remembers: That you told her when you were in Public School Kindergarten that you had to color within the lines.
Mom (Tanya) remembers: How you liked to make lists: List for what to do that day, List for what sport to play, Lists for all who would play with you...
Dad (Eric) remembers: How good you were with setting up your electronics to get things to turn on and work; you would rarely need adult help.