Year 1 (Mom)

Dear Caleb,
I am sitting here this night of the 24th, being unable to sleep. My head is swirling with events from last Aug 24th that we spent with you. My body is heavy again as lead. Most likely I will have a hard time getting out of bed tomorrow morning. We tackled our first Make A Difference Day as a family. Then ended our day with watching a few of our family videos with songs, followed by a family prayer. The weight of this temporary separation is very heavy on all our hearts, we were all in tears as we watched our memories with you from the past; even Montey noticed everyone was crying and started to mope and pretend to cry. Your presence is missed ever so greatly. In recent days I have been thinking that I just can't do yet another day, especially once the month of Aug came; I have not been able to shut off my emotions. They have been running non-stop. My eyes hurt from crying, my heart hurts from aching, and my body is suffering as a whole in trying to keep it together and stay afloat. Yesterday I did the impossible, I thought, and wrote down everything that my brain was able to retain from our family outing to the accident on the 24th to the 25th of last year. It was incredibly hard to allow my mind and body to relive those events. And even a year later, those motions are still so very strong. After two long hours and 4 1/2 pages long I completed it. I vowed that I was never going to write those memories down because why in the world would I want to remember those un-fun moments? The strength that the Lord rendered to me was amazing; there was no way that I could have bore that pain again without the Lords help. Then helping me to type while I managed to down pour on the computer with my eyes, it was simply a miracle all in itself. But it is done, it has been written, and completed. And the funniest thing of all, I feel like it is okay for me to talk about the accident. That I don't have to stay all silent like it never happened, hoping that magically it would all go away....because the thing is, is that it did happen. I think that I have finally gotten a grip on reality, an un-fun one, but thankfully just temporary. I have realized that I have been afraid to be happy, or show in any way that I could have fun without you here with us, because I didn't want to think that I could do that without you. I did not want you to feel hurt or sad thinking that we had forgotten about you because we would happy or smiling or laughing. You complete our family, and I know that you will never be forgotten with us, that you will always have your place in being the oldest sibling, the big, protective brother. I was reading with your father in the Book of Mormon, in Mormon 9:14 it says," And then cometh the judgment of the Holy one upon them; and then cometh the time that he that is filthy shall be filthy still; and he that is righteous shall be righteous still; and he that is happy shall be happy still; and he that is unhappy shall be unhappy still." I then realized that if I wanted to be happy when we are reunited at the great millennial day then, I must be happy now. If I do not allow myself to find even a little piece of that happiness now and hold on to it, I may not even be happy then. But my goal is to be happy then, so I know now what I must do now. While I live here upon this earth, I know that I must live worthily to be able to receive that added light and happiness and pure joy hereafter. I can not allow the un-pleasant "what if's" pull me and my mind away from trying to find that piece of happiness now. Elder Steven E Snow gave a talk in conference about Getting on with our lives. He said, " Most of us do not seek our welcome dramatic change. But change is an essential part of life's experiences." Then he posts a question that states, "What about the changes which thrust upon us unexpectedly, of changes that we have no control over? How do we deal with such unexpected setbacks in life's journey?" He gave a very profound answer that I have been holding on too ever so tightly. He said, " First, You need to follow the prophets. Second, You need to keep an eternal perspective. Third, Have Faith. And Fourth, Be of Good Cheer." Caleb, I have done these all but the fourth one, I know what I need to work on, to help us to enjoy the true peace and happiness later that will soon come. Our Prophet Thomas S. Monson has said, "Even when you have felt the truth of the atonement and the kindness of the Lord to deliver you in your trials, it may still test your courage and strength to endure." It is a hard road that we are on, but we will not fail you Caleb. Our love for you is great! Love Your Mommy