Looking forward to the JOY (newly revised)

Dear Caleb,
So here we are again another Christmas without you physically with us. It has been a month of emotions for me. So full, that I have yet to figure out what to do with them. Last month, shortly after Thanksgiving we went to the Christmas play 'The Forgotten Carols ' written by Michael McLean. I remember going to this play when I was about 11 years old, the music has always been some of my favorite Christmas songs. But this time while listening I heard something new. Something that touched my heart ever so powerfully and spoke to me as though I heard you talk to me. It was in the song about Joseph the Carpenter, and how he might have felt being imperfect raising the Son of God, who was perfect. In this song Joseph was contemplated how he did with raising the Son of God, hoping that he did OK. And then the song says that Joseph heard the Lord say, "You have done just fine." Caleb I have battled over this more than anything, hoping that I did even the slightest bit of good raising you. And I heard you tell me those same words, "You have done just fine."

As I was looking for a Christmas movie I came across this one notebook. I started to thumb through it and I came to a page with your testimony on it- something that we never got to hear you bear in person. As I read it I could hear you share these words with us:
"I know that Jesus has died for me. He loves children I know I sow the movie. I love Jesus becaese he creatid me. He loves us to! Some times you want to watch church movies on sunday. You better love your family. Missrnares come to your house. On Sunday you go to church. Some times you have mettings. " (written exactly how Caleb wrote it)

I am very much like that Joseph the Carpenter song, I am flawed and so imperfect. I am glad that the Lord has blessed you and helped you come home, inspite of my imperfections with you being my 1st born. I was so unprepared and felt so inadequate to raise such a perfect child as yourself, Thank you for being so patient with me. You have taught us oh so very much.

My thoughts have turned a lot to Mary during this Christmas month. If anyone would know the heartache of loosing a firstborn son, it would be Mary. For her to be content with what she was allotted, is an amazing example for me. I am still trying to be content, but it is so very difficult for my heart to accept all that IS. But I know as imperfect and flawed that I am, I can be like Mary, and be content with the Lord's help. Of which I am so grateful for this Christmas season to grant me this strength.

Caleb something happened to me this Christmas season. I have been given a more broad perspective to see life with. In the past I have been so upset knowing that I had to keep living without you, feeling ever so guilty that you left alone on my watch. When I should have left too, but only I was giving extended time on this life. Though pieces of those feelings will always be burried deep down inside me, i have felt a new sense of life now. I have come to realize that I am on borrowed time! And I haven't done well with it so far, and I am determined to use it more wisely. I cannot have joy and happiness like I use too, it was to trivial. My joy and happiness comes from and goes much deeper than ever before. To be with your 3 siblings here is a pure, inexpressible joy in my heart- to know that we are receiving your help daily is healing to my aching heart. We have felt your presence and heard your voice often. What a blessed gift these moments have been to us. Your Daddy is such an amazing man, to have his extended patience for me, is beyond what I could have ever hoped for. He has been a big help with helping me to appreciate life again- instead of staying in the past with being full of bitterness and anger. My broke heart will always be there, but I have so much Joy within knowing that when Christ comes he will bring healing in his wings, and all will be made right. Christ came once, and I am grateful to know that he will come again, and oh how that time is coming soon as the Scriptures say. We rejoice with much rejoicing this Christmas. And we look forward to that wonderful JOY that is coming!!

Merry Christmas Caleb. We love you.
Love, Your Mommy

Memories:
Tamara remembers making a book path with Caleb. They could only walk where there were books. And sometimes they would stop along the path and read a book. Then they would set it back down and continue walking on the path.

Liahona remembers when listening to the "Move IT" song from Madagascar her, Caleb and Tamara thought the part that says, "I like to Party, party" was "I like to potty, potty."

Mom remembers how Caleb liked climbing on the outside of the stair railing and would be scared when he was up high at first, but soon got brave to do it over and over again with little fear.

Dad remembers how Caleb loved exploring the campgrounds that we camped at.