It is time....

Dear Caleb,

Today is the start of the due date range for your new little sister- that is soon to join our family.
I sense that you are giving her all the important advice that she will need, knowing that she will be coming to join our broken hearted family. I feel that she will not come until I am ready. I never thought I would see the day, when I could say, that I would be okay with having more children after the accident- that is such a hard thing on my heart. You know what Caleb, these past 3 years I have being fighting accepting the future, and clinging, longing for the past. In doing this, I just realized that I am not allowing room for new memories to be stored, because there is literally no room in the inn. Only wall to wall memories of our past with our perfect 2 boys and 2 girls little family: all our outings, laughter, being together... I have not been okay with making more room. I figured your siblings and father would understand, and forgive me for not being the mom that they used to know. To continue to just BE instead of trying to become a new person, because being the old me is unfortunately not an option, so I was content with just to BE.

During these Holiday Seasons as families get to gather together, I felt some emptiness because our family is not complete like others, and in my mind I would think, "That's not fair." Then I came across a very profound quote from an apostle, Elder Russell M Nelson, "Somethings just don't seem fair. Whether things seem 'fair' relate to the limits of one's perspective." Paul in the bible taught, "If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable." My perceptive in this mortal life is indeed limited. And if I enjoy the knowledge of Christ and apply it only in this mortal life, surely it would not be enough to help me to find eternal happiness here and now. We all must pass through the portals of mortality to receive eternal happiness and life: Mortal Birth, Mortal Existence, Mortal Death- which comes from applying the knowledge of Christ into the next life, which is the best life to come!

Russell M Nelson said, "The holy cause in which we are engaged did not begin in 1820 in the state of New York. It did not begin in Bethlehem. It did not begin in the Garden of Eden. The underpinnings of the everlasting gospel were in place even before the world was."An I can attest to this by looking back on our past. There have been several, even multiple events that happened, which paved the way to help us today... watching friends loose beloved children, watching them rise from heart ache, our miscarriage in 2007, becoming acquainted with grief, learning the warning signs of depression and what to do, dream of loosing my father- all lead up to much needed preparation, that we would need to draw from after the accident. I recently came across this statement from Virgina H Pearce, "When I see how carefully Heavenly Father has prepared and planned for my present circumstance, how can I be frighten about my future? Surely He is putting into place today all that I will need to face the unknown times ahead."

As much as I just want to BE, I know that God sees a stronger me, and sees something more that I can become, and doesn't want me to just stay where I am. It amazes me at how well He knows me, because that is exactly what I would do and was planning on doing. A former apostle of the 12, Neal A Maxwell said, "Even believers if malnourished as to the doctrine, can become wearied and faint in their minds and surrender to circumstance." I desperately wanted to surrender, it is such hard work to keep living this mortal life with a broken heart, it hurts and never stops. I was reminded today at church that Faith pushed into action is Hope. Hope is the verb of Faith, it places a burning desire within oneself to move forward to Christ, to keep moving and not give up.

So our Father in Heaven is sending me a reason to move forward with our family, since I can not seem to find it on my own, to help me not give in and just BE. This baby girl wants an eternal family, she too wants her shot at mortality to prove herself worthy to have eternal life. And as her soon to be Earthly mother I need to help her accomplish her goal in this. I can not deny to extend my hand to her. I need to love her, teach her, help her and guide her to Christ and Home to our Father. The weight is indeed on my shoulders. And Caleb, "I AM READY!" And I gladly continue and accept this mission that our Father feels that we are capable of handling. Not that I will not have tears anymore, because I will. Not that I won't have my bad days, because I will. Not that I won't still miss and long for the past, because I will. But I need to make room for new memories for this new child to join our family. I need to be a mom that she can depend on and be there for her. I need to be able to release some memories from my inn, so there will be room for more. Because Caleb, with a sad heart but a heart full of Hope I need to say, "It is time...."

Thank You Caleb for being there with her, preparing her, loving her, teaching her the gospel- you are serving your extend mission well. And when it's time for her to join our family in mortality, we will add to what you have already started and shared with her. We are honored that God has found us worthy to serve with you on your mission.

We love you Buddy Boy! Merry Christmas to You and ALL those Heavenly Angels that surround you at this time.... For surely there is peace on earth ONLY because of ALL our Angels above.

Love Your Mommy