Come To Yourself

Dear Caleb,

I am writing you early this month because I have been emotionally unwell this Spring and had a moment where I felt well enough to do so, not sure what next week will be like because I have also been sick for 4months now. We and the docs are not sure exactly of what is going on, only time will tell. Being patient to wait things out is very annoying. I think I have had it up to my eye balls of enduring to each end.

Yesterday we had to re home Sadie, our doggie. I feel like such a failure again to your siblings. We took her in last Fall- just to give us a nice healthy distraction from the unpleasantness of reality, and she was simply the best dog for us, but not our neighborhood. Re homing her broken my heart to see your siblings so heart broken.... it's so irritating, it's seems to be our lot in life- all this heart breaking. I felt like we were doing something good and helpful to bring her into our home and lives, but then just to give her away and re home her- ugh! Why can't I do anything right. I just want to help our family, but I seem to keep hurting it.

We have watched a couple of movies that have really touched me. One- 'We Bought a Zoo.' There is such a pull in my heart to find our families new mindset and focus that pulls our family together again, I really want our own little zoo. How I have been so much like the father whenever we move I seem to always see you. Certain aisles that sell things from: sporting goods, to Pokemon cards, to koi fish... makes me want to cry. So no matter how many times we move which have been 2 times since the accident, I will only see what I want to see. The trick is using what I see in a positive and healthy way to promote success in our family and in a way to move forward so that we can be together again. On an average we move just about every year or two, and it's been 2 years this spring and I just want to move again. We have moved 11 times total with almost 12 years since our family began. And I am starting to ask myself, why do I want to move? To tell you the truth it's my outlet now of running away. I just want to get way, move away, try to start fresh but our past, our history always follows. And honestly I don't know why I like to move so much because I strongly dislike introducing our family because it is not the same, nor will the new people ever see it as we once did. The other movie was 'Madagascar 3'. They had been seeking and wanting the life of their old home at the zoo, but once they finally got there things were different, looked different, felt different as they looked through the front gate of the zoo. They realized that while they were away from their so beloved home, they gained knowledge, understanding, and even a stronger sense of what life should be about- to be together and to enjoy the new way of thinking, in daring to go a different direction then what they once thought and called 'normal.'

I started crying in these movies thinking- I want that for our family, but how do we get there? I want our zoo, I want us to dare to move in a different direction- but it is SOOOO scary and hurts my heart to think that we might be able to do this without you. But I feel that we are ready and that it is time. Time for me to take a huge step forward and to stop holding our family back. I have kept things as similar as possible thinking that this would be healing to help keep you with us in our lives, perhaps I have gone too far in some ways, but I have never been down this road before so how would I know of what would be the appropriate way to move anyways??

I currently was listening to a talk that was given at General Conference by Robert D. Hales called, 'Coming to Ourselves.'( http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/coming-to-ourselves-the-sacrament-the-temple-and-sacrifice-in-service?lang=eng) He said, "The Savior told His disciples about a son who left his wealthy father, went to a far country, and wasted his inheritance. When a famine arose, the young man took the lowly job of feeding swine. He was so hungry that he wanted to eat the husks meant for the animals.

Away from home, far from the place he wanted to be, and in his destitute condition, something of eternal significance happened in the life of this young man. In the Savior’s words, “he came to himself.”¹ He remembered who he was, realized what he had been missing, and began to desire the blessings freely available in his father’s house."

I realized that this is what I need to do, I desperately need to Come to Myself. He goes on to say, "Throughout our lives, whether in times of darkness, challenge, sorrow, or sin, we may feel the Holy Ghost reminding us that we are truly sons and daughters of a caring Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we may hunger for the sacred blessings that only He can provide. At these times we should strive to come to ourselves and come back into the light of our Savior’s love.

These blessings rightfully belong to all of Heavenly Father’s children. Desiring these blessings, including a life of joy and happiness, is an essential part of Heavenly Father’s plan for each one of us. The prophet Alma taught, “Even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you.”²

Caleb, I do not know where the next step lies, but I know one thing and that is that I need to do a better job trusting in the very God that promises the very blessings that I long for- An Eternal Family. I hope that we learn what he is trying to teach us, I hope we can succeed, but I fear that we are such a long ways from obtaining this very desire that consumes my soul everyday.

Happy 11th Birthday next Saturday- We Desperately Love You, what more can we say....

Love Your Mommy