The Unraveling of Spring

Dear Caleb,

Last month your little brother Montey turned 4. Two weeks ago little Tamara turned 8. Spring is such a hard knot to swallow. It is painful to my heart to see your siblings growing without you, especially when they catch up to you. It was so difficult on me when Liahona turned 8 and at that time it seemed forever away until Tamara would be there, and now here she is. It was so hard on both me and her as she would be turning 8 as well. She said in the past that she never wanted to turn 8 because that's your age she would say, and now in a few months she too will physically be older then you. I feel uncertain about my emotions with all this aging without you aging with us, and I seem to be a bit bipolar about it too. I go from being an emotional mess trying to hold back tears as I watch your siblings grow older each year; to the next day crying out with joy in prayer that we are one day closer in being together again. I try to remind myself that age is irrelevant; it is just the natural processes of life that we all go through. And that you will always be their older brother, that they will always look up too, no matter the physical age.

It has almost been 3 years now, with this whole new living life without you and it still doesn't seem real to me. I am using my eyes, but they don't see how they used too. I am using my ears but they don't work like they used too.

There is a song that we came across awhile ago that really summed up how I have been feeling, interesting enough it was on the movie Alice in Wonderland. I have always thought that movie was weird and a bit frightening as a child. There is a song called 'Almost Alice', the words hit very close to home for me. It starts off by saying:

Trippin out

Spinning around
I'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now

Can't stop me now

This is almost exactly how it felt from the beginning, we fell down hard and we kept trying to get up again but no matter our trying to move forward, our lives were upside down and nothing was going to stop or change that for our family.

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry
In these two and three quarter years I felt that this has been our families motto, "WE'll GET BY, WE'LL SURVIVE." No matter how many knots we have to swallow, no matter how many tears we fight from falling. We are going to turn this heartbreaking experience into something good. You are worth fighting for, and no one can stop us now... we are on our way, we are pushing forward through these aches and pains.

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet again,
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end

I often get stuck in Wondering about the what ifs, the if only's, a place I like to call Wonderland.

It's very hard to get back on my two feet if I stay there too long. I start to question what is real, what is really going on? What does an all Loving God want me, and our family to learn from all this. As I struggle to get out of my Wonderland, I am reminded that this pain and heart ache, the bigger sense of life, this immense love for you Caleb, is REAL. And the spirit reconfirms to me again and again that this is not so pretend, but what we call temporary. And this is the stand that we as a family will take to the end. THIS IS TEMPORARY!

This aching and grief has been bitter, and yet a joy in the eternal sense, having been taught the bigger sense of life, of what is real, and what is pretend 'Temporary." Our hearts rejoice within us because we will see for ourselves that truly God is loving, that his promises are indeed real. We ache to be with you and to have our family together again. The push is strong and great, and we are thankful for that, for that is what keeps us heading forward. How thankful we are to have been blessed to know the bitter, for we look forward to receiving that sweet joy of peace and rest from all our sorrows and cares someday.

See You Soon, Love Your Mommy