Swirling Emotions of September

Dear Caleb,

Well we went back to the land of Nebraska, where our hearts have been since we moved away from there, for an event held in your honor.

Your scholarship has been endowed and we were able to hand out the first award to the first chosen recipient. It went well, your Dad did a great job, yet it was a very difficult thing to accomplish. I thought maybe perhaps this visit would be a good healing trip, but I was wrong. However, what it did do was give me a nice slap on the face to reality. I know things don't stay the same for too long, and I shouldn't have expected it to be the same as we left it, but I kind of hoped that it would... Dad kept reminding me as we saw change after change, construction after construction, that we should be grateful that none of those things took place while we lived there. And I have to agree, that would have been hard to see, and now there is officially no going back to the past, but only forwards. When we came home I felt like for the first time in years I had both my body and heart together in one place. Before I was physically here in Washington, but my heart was in Nebraska. That has been a huge challenge with wanting to be in two places at once, so I suppose you can say that I have mentally and emotionally made the journey home.

It is interesting to think about things that used to be hard for us to handle only now seem like a piece of cake: To be young and poor college students, having 5 pregnancies, 4 children under the age of 7, moving 11 times, never seeing your father because he was either in school or at work, not having a lot of extended family support because we always lived far away from them.... I would take all of that back hands down, compared to what we get to live with now til the end of our mortal lives. The weight is 100 times worse and heavy to carry. I compare it a lot to the 10 Commandments that God gave to the children of Israel. There was a time that I struggled at some of these, but now they are easy to me. I do not have a hard time Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy, I do not steal, I do not lie, I do not commit adultery... I have no problems keeping these Commandments they have become a piece of cake to me. But there is yet another commandment that is found in the scriptures. "Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life." (3 Nephi 15:9) Now, being asked to endure to the end... that is something I fear is beyond what i can do. This is a very overwhelming thing that I now get to live with in facing to accomplish everyday. It is a tiring and daunting task at times. Sometimes I just want to lie down and let the world just move around me as I just stay still. I can not keep up at it's pace, I seem to get trampled every time I try. I just do not move to way I use too. I just do not think the way I use too. Sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing, or a hindering thing to our family? I have yet to really figure it out.

This new baby girl will not know what I used to be like, what our family used to be like, what you are like physically, and it hurts my heart. I have grasped the idea that it is okay that others do not understand how difficult it is to me, for us to be raising another child after temporary loosing you. It is not the typical kind of pregnancy, it has been different, very very different. Emotions are way high, and we are trying to kick our anxieties to the curb, but that natural man in us is the true enemy, which always gets the best of us. We have 3 months left til she arrives. And I have to keep reminding myself that obviously the Lord trusts us enough to be given yet another one of his precious little children to bring into this world, and he truly is the one who knows all things. So if he trusts me as a mother for this child, why can't I trust myself? I am trying to borrow all the confidence from God, from others that so willing share their excitement and confidence with us having another child; that I am hoping through time I will start believing it too, and feel emotionally that I can do this again along with dealing with depression. It is a very scary undertaking, all I have is my trust in God that he really knows what he is doing because I would still like to think otherwise.

How I wish I could take back all the cake trials of the past... I actually miss them. These current ones are beyond my own strength, Caleb what are we to do without you and yet gaining another one????? Our hearts are broken, how can one keep loving with a broken heart? It hurts to love because the agony of seeing you leave for a time is the real temporary torture where no ease seems to come until we are all together again. I suppose I will just keep trying to trust in God's new direction, in his new path for us, though it was never what I had ever anticipated. I am tired of feeling like a circus attraction, but our family is forever changed and keeps changing so I suppose I need to start dealing with all the eyes and comments til the end... I suppose such is life anyways.

Love You Caleb,
Love Your Mommy