And The Third Year Begins....

Dear Caleb,
    What do I say, how do I even begin to start?? It has been very tough starting up a new year; tough in a different sense. The first year was a blur because I could not grasp the reality of this new change for our family. The second year was bitter because I lived in denial, refusing to accept this new change, because I did not want to move in anyway unless it was the way we were used to moving. And this spring prior before the start of the third year, has been extremely tough because it is the awaking to this reality, and that this is real and is to stay. I still do not like it, but I have realized that I need to stop shrugging it off like it will go away like some cold or illness, and start a new mind set of what to do next to help our family and especially myself. I have started up my two online grief therapy groups again, plus a local therapy counseling, and of course my continued personal therapy blog to you... It has been that rough this spring/summer. I feel silly for needing so much help, but I have come to accept and admit that I really can't handle and deal with all my mental, emotional issues on my own, because I have tried just sharing how I am really feeling to random people and unfortunately many are unable to just listen and understand on such a deep level. Perhaps it makes them feel too uncomfortable to have me vent to them, I do not know, but if I did not experience deep grief for myself I too wouldn't know what to say or do... so thinking of others I try to save every one's ears around me and I hold my true thoughts to myself.
    It is still very difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact that just three years ago our perfect little family dynamics changed. One of the biggest things that I have come to better understand of myself is to KNOW that I was never in control of our life then, and I am not in control now. Things happened for a reason that only a Loving Father in Heaven will truly know why.... so I can stop asking, and just do more trusting. Our family has been blessed in numerous ways since then, so we continue to try to show our love to him as he continues to cradle our broke little family in his ever loving hands. So to say that I would never wish losing a loved one to my greatest enemy, would not be truthfully, because why would I not want others to feel the immense blessings being poured down from above in feeling the love that God has for them. In this journey, life has NOT been what I thought it was going to be like as a little girl or as a newlywed, however, it can only get better because God is in control. If I was in control I would be screwing things up constantly. As when I have attempted this to take control- I've noticed that I only seem to make things more unpleasant for every one around me as I pursue my career of being miserable. Elder Richard G. Scott in the Quorum of the 12 Apostles recently said in Spring General Conference this year, "Sometimes we unwisely try to face life by depending on our own experience and capacity. It is much wiser for us to seek through prayer and divine inspiration to know what to do." And for the sake of our family life, it is time for those records to be changed. I have only myself to be upset at for setting expectations in this life, thinking that I knew what to expect and what the outcome would always be like. How critical it has become for me to look for God's approval in ALL things. And to stop placing all my eggs into one basket just to have my heart be crushed because of natural human error of thinking that I know best.
     In four months our little family dynamics will be changing again. There have been an overwhelming flood of paralyzing emotions that have washed over my body. Elder Richard G. Scott said, "Yielding to emotions such as anger, hurt or defensiveness will drive away the Holy Ghost. Those emotions must be eliminated, or our chance for receiving revelation is slight." Through therapy and pondering on my own I have come to realize that yes some of these fears and anxieties are from myself, for I am naturally flawed as a human, but MUCH of these bombarded unwanted thoughts have leaked in through the adversary. That sneaky brother who is full of misery himself has done a great job trying to pin all these on myself, making me think that I am worse off than I really am. Why would I be afraid of being a mother? I am one, and it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. Why would I be afraid to have another baby? I have had 5 other pregnancies; 4 children and they have all been healthy and happy. As long as I can get my depression under control, and my energy level up I can do this again. And I have 4 months to get myself up to notch of where I can be a more functioning mother full of light and love. And only these positive ways come from God where all good things flow, so of course it makes sense that Satan does not want me to achieve this- in becoming a more effective and efficient mother, because that would be against what he has been trying to do, and that is to pull us apart. He goes after the heart of the family, and if he wins the heart, he wins his objective to divide and tear apart the family, but I am SO on to him and he is NOT, NOT EVER gonna win my heart!! So Caleb, you have nothing to worry about here with your family, we are safe and looked after, cradled in the arms of a Loving Father above... but then again you already knew that. :)
     One of the greatest things that has been brought back to my mind from therapy, was my sacred personal experience that touched my mind and heart as I was in the back of the ambulance on the way to be with you. Though everything was spinning faster then my mind could keep up, though everyone kept telling me that everything was going to be alright.... it was in that loud ambulance with things clanking and motors roaring, where I was touched by the spirit. Richard G. Scott said, " Two indicators that a feeling or prompting comes from God are that it produces peace in your heart and a quiet warm feeling." For a moment it was as though everything was quiet and still.  My body felt as though I had been washed over with warmth and I could not feel the intense pain anymore. My mind was at ease with all the uncertainty, and my heart was filled with so much love and I heard in my mind and felt in my heart the words, "Everything will work out. Everything will work out." I pondered over and over those words in my mind. From those words I knew that things would not be okay. I knew that you would not be okay. I knew that everything would not be alright. Because I was told before hand I knew that I didn't need to fear, that I didn't need to worry because I was promised that Everything WILL work out. I have since forgotten that promise until now. Human emotions truly get in the way of the Holy Ghost communicating with us. I have found my new anchor, my renewed source of strength. Because I know that God keeps his promises, and that ours is as good as gold, for everything WILL work out. I am so grateful for a Loving Father in Heaven to put my trust in, who is capable of fulfilling all that he promises to us, he children. For what parent wouldn't want to bless their children with things that will give them happiness. I can really say now Caleb, that our Father in Heaven does really love me, and only wants to see us happy because that is truly where he delights, when he can see our smiles that he created. So every time we smile we say I love you Heavenly Daddy, thank you.
    We love you Caleb, We are proud of you our Angel. Thank you for ALL the service that you are rendering to  aid and assist our family, we feel your determination, strength and love from above. "Our Father did not put us earth to fail, but to succeed gloriously."-Richard G. Scott
                                                 With Eternal Love and Beyond,
                                                           Love Your Mommy