Pushing Forward with Tears of Hope

Dear Caleb,

I can always feel the heaviness when we get close to the 24th, it's a way I have learned that my body says it's time to post and down load some emotions to help me feel a little lighter.

There has been a shift in my thoughts which started last month, but started full swing the other week, General Conference Weekend. It is always exactly what I need every 6 months to keep my mind and heart focused on the eternal perceptive of things and not on this temporary life.

Just before General Conference your Daddy had a work meeting in Spokane, WA. I went along with him. This year seemed to be the year to revisit all the places that we previously lived or something. While he was in a work meeting, I had some great pondering and much needed scripture reading time.

I was reading in 1 Nephi chapter 21. And I came to verse 4 which states something that I have been doing without really knowing, it said, "I have labored in vain, I have spent my strength for naught (nothing) and in vain. " I instantly felt guilt because by doing nothing but just getting through day to day with nothing to show for is pretty much the same thing. I do not want to have to admit to the Lord of this error track that I have been on mentally and emotionally. As difficult as it has been to put heart into everything I do, including trusting to love again, because to truly LOVE hurts... I know it is a risk that I need to take because our family needs me not just physically as a mom because I am doing that fine but being there emotionally and mentally with Love as a whole person, not half here and half there. This baby sister that is coming is going to need a whole mother, not a half mother that is unable to feel and give love. I have been this way because it is what all us mortals do at times when found amidst the trials as we say in verse 14, "The Lord has forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me..."

In verse 5 was the Lord's rely to me and for our family,"I will not forget thee o house of (the Mathison's) Behold I have engraven you upon the palms of my hands, thy walls are continually before me." And one literal wall besides the accident has been this pregnancy. I do not feel so qualified or worthy to raise yet another child, but in the eyes of the Lord we prepared you, Caleb, enough to be granted eternal life, so for him I can see how he would feel that we may be seem as such to be given another. So with this wall of being given another child, came this answer, "And now, saith the Lord that formed me from the womb that I (Tanya) should be his servant, to bring (a child) again to him... Yet shall I be glorious in the eyes of the Lord, and my God shall be my strength." And in 20-23, "The children whom thou shalt have after thou hast lost the first shall again in thine ears say: The place is too (estranged) for me give place that I may dwell" as to say the Lord is just asking us to teach them of heaven, trust in Him, and let them go. "Then shalt thou say in thine heart: Who hath (given) me these, seeing that I have lost my (first born) and am desolate, captive, and removing to and fro?" "Thus saith the Lord God: Behold I will lift up my hand (to the Mathison's) and set up my standard to (your family) and  (you) shall bring thy sons in your arms and thy daughters shall be carrier upon (your) shoulders. "And (you) shall bow down to (me your Lord God) with your face towards the earth and lick up the dust of (my) feet, and thou shalt know that I am the Lord, for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me."

Caleb, Wow was all I could say and feel after reading these vereses exactly the way that I typed them to you. It is truly time to turn my thoughts and whole heart over to the Lord. He has lifted his hand to our family and has given us his standard, The Gospel. And we WILL bring the other children carrying them to Christ if we must. We need to stay in a humble mind set as to bow down and kiss the earth, meaning to pray, to be close to our Savior. To remind us that he is our 1 and ONLY Chance to help our dreams of an eternal family to become our reality someday. For he has promised that NO one will be ashamed for those that wait for him to come, for we know the time is very very soon.

And to finish this amazing moment of receiving specific guidance in what I was to do next for myself, and to help our family, I turned on the tv, and there was a movie playing. The Young lady said, "Since the accident I have not known what I wanted?" I sat there with my jaw open thinking that is exactly what I have said so many times. And the young man answered her with, "What do you want?" I mentally took a step back and said to myself, "What do I want? What do I want in this life, in the next life? What do I want??" Almost immediately I responded with I want to be together again. After the young girl gave her answer the young man said, "So the weight is back on your shoulders, it is up to you to make your dream come true." Caleb, it is time to push my sleeves up and get to work serving with you. Which includes accepting this new child as part of the missionary work. The work will not be easy, but it will all be worth it to have no empty seat in our eternal family. This is our dream that we are willing to fight for.

So Let The Reign of The Service of The Mathison's Begin, because I do not ever want to have to say to the Lord that I have labored in vain, with nothing to show for with our faith in our Savior Jesus Christ.

*"The Lord Always Fulfills His Promises."-Isaiah 49

How we love you Kabub.
How we ache for you.
How we long to be with you.
How we promise to help you on your mission.
How we will NOT stop the tears of hope.

Love Your Mommy XOXO