New Year? No Thanks!

Dear Caleb,

Well it's that time again to start things ALL over again for the 6th time without you. While others get to anticipate bubbly and fun ideas for the new year like: getting fit, loosing weight, trying a new talent, picking up an old talent, learning a new language... I get the same things year after year. It never changes, the dates, the holidays... it's all the SAME, and I am growing very tired of it all and it is making me more and more restless! I have already done this all 5 times, I already know what is coming, what to expect, and the results are always the same... Painful on my body and soul, and it is getting old and I am ready for change- Something to be different... ANYTHING!

I do not like where we live, I do not like our house, I do not like our yard, I do not like that there are no jobs, I do not like that we are having to do another year without you, I do not like that I am so much like the green eggs and ham book. There is just so much in life that I just do not like and very very little that I do. So since my circumstances and surrounds are not changing or going away anytime soon this will be my New Years resolution:

Instead of saying I do not like where we live, I will tell myself, I like living where I am because it is peaceful.

 Instead of saying I do not like our house, I will tell myself, I like our house because it is safe and warm.

 Instead of saying that I do not like our yard, I will tell myself, I like our yard because at least it's another place for us to enjoy being together.

 Instead of telling myself that I do not like that there are no jobs, I will tell myself, at least we have a job where we can take care of ourselves and pay our bills.

Instead of telling myself that I do not like that we have to do a whole new year again without you, I will tell myself, at least we are one year closer to you.

There you have it Caleb my New Years resolutions. I suppose if change isn't going to be coming like I have been waiting, hoping, dreaming for, then I will be the change- for each negative thought I will stop and change it to something realistic and more upbeat.

Love you, Love Always Your Momma

Breath Of Heaven Hold Me Together

Dear Caleb,

I barely made it through the Fall, everything Fall just brings on my falling emotions. I am glad that it is over, for now. Winter brings a bit different feelings then Fall. There are far more distractions during this season of Christmas and it helps with holding off my anxieties for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but it is coming and so are my emotions. I am not ready to do another Christmas without you. But regardless if I am ready or not, it comes just the same. After we open presents we gather around your tree and help you open your presents, and it is always such a tender moment on my heart. Thinking what would you really like? How would you really react. Would you jump in excitement? Or would you run to give hugs and say thank you? Every year I have to buy you something, it just makes me feel more complete, well as possible as one could get at this time.

My mind keeps replaying the song from Amy Grant, 'Breath Of Heaven' over and over again. It always fills my heart and eyes with tears as I tell myself, that if anyone knows what it truly feels like to loose a child, it would be Mary. As she raised Jesus from a babe and watched him grow, truly he had to grab a big piece of her heart. Then as he grew older to watch him come across many challenges, to say that she just had a broken heart would be a huge understatement. I wonder the depression that tried to sneak into her heart. I wonder the thoughts that went through her mind every time she had to gasped for air and would cry out 'God this is your Son, please help him.' For Jesus to be her first born she had to have a very strong emotional attachment that would link her heart to his. But knowing that Jesus was still by her side must have given her hope in spite of the challenges that surfaced in her son's life.

Then when Jesus's life was in peril on the cross, She was still faithfully by his side as he was suffering to his last mortal breath. Watching him lay still without any complaints, her heart had to plummet lower then the dust. Knowing that her deep loving connection could not bring him back or save him from the peril of pain and anguish that he was evidently in. Just as all mothers would, she probably wanted desperately to switch spots with him to let him live a full life. And probably said many tenders prayers, 'God this is your Son, please help him.' For no mother wants to see their child suffer pains of any kind.

Yes, Mary would know my grief and deep heartache at this time. We do not hear much about Mary after the passing of Jesus Christ. Other then many fell into a very deep depression. We are only mortal beings, seeing and feeling in mortal ways, because we are human and that is to be expected. Those 3 days must have felt like an eternity as they suffered with deep heartache and grief, being the evidence of their deep love they shared for Jesus Christ.  I feel that though this time must have been extremely difficult beyond what any words can describe, it had to be an essential part for them to go through, because they had to wait and wait and wait in order to be ready for what was yet to come.

And what was to come? The beautiful spring morning when Jesus Came Back Home being raised from the grave- To give all of our hearts hope, something to look forward to as we try our darndest to pass through the tsunami waves of life shattering dreams and broken hearts, when the pain just hurts more then what we think our little mortal bodies can handle. And until that day when our loved ones come back to us, we are given A Gift, That the Breath of Heaven can Hold us Together.

I wished that my grieving and waiting period was only 3 days as well, but I am not as lucky.
My prayer is that I can hold myself together until we are with you again.
Always Thinking Of You Caleb, Merry Christmas.
Love Your Mommy

Hibernation of Survival Mode

Dear Caleb,

My last post was once again and overloading of emotions that I needed to release before they consumed my every thought and action. Thank you for listening and being there for me to vent and share how I truly feel in the every moment that I am in need of someone.

This is one of the many times throughout the year that I go into what I call a 'Hibernation' from overwhelming emotions for survival mode, to recharge and focus. The only tricky thing about caving in, is climbing back out. It is not as difficult as it use to be in pulling out from my self-induced hibernation, but it is still a very complicated and very sensitive situation.

I am naturally a very emotional deep feeling person, so why should I have been surprised to realized that my grieving is as such as well. I have not encountered many people that grieve like me, which is why I would often feel alone. Many people pull away from wanting to feel and talk about situations of the heart, and so I have even felt that distance from other fellow grievers, but I respect their need to do things in their own way. Plus on another note I have only come across only a handful of people that lost a young child, which makes the loneliness even more so in trying to find someone to relate with. The typical grieving that I have come across are those that: shun it, ignore it, or stuff and hide their sorrows. These are they that do not want to feel or be reminded of the events because it brings back all the hurt, sorrow and pain, for this is harder for them. However, for me to 'not' feel my grief, that would be harder for me. I came up with an example of how I differ from the typical grieving ways- Theoretically speaking (because I in no way no what it is like, but with grieving is all the same path)...the example of having one's arm being cut off. Individuals who would grieve by shunning, ignoring, stuffing and hiding would make adjustments to move onward and try to forget that they even once had an arm, or would take steps to forget their disappointment from loosing their arm. For there is no wrong way to grieve only different. I on the other hand would talk about my arm that was once their. For me, just because my arm is not there anymore does not mean that it is not apart of me anymore. It is and it always will be, just like you Caleb. Just because you are not here with me anymore does not mean that you are not real and do not exist. And I will not carry on without carrying my grief to remind me daily that you are real and that you are alive.

Depression has been an unavoidable companion that has almost beaten me at times. I have lost much confidence in myself in many aspects, including my abilities to be a mom. And if I was not there for you Caleb, then what am I good for I oft would think. So truly I must be unworthy of being trusted in I too would think. I am good at applying slack and forgiveness to others but not when it comes to myself. I place myself on a very high level and I expect myself to stay within those means, because I do not want to hurt our family again. I have started running to try and accomplish a plan that was set earlier to run a mile in 6.31 like what I did in 5th grade. But as I run I want to just quit on myself, my body aches and screams stop what are you doing, you can't do this? It is easier in life to quit, to stop, to give in, to give up then to actually keep living because to live... that is truly harder. This month your little sister and I ran a mile race and when I finished with the time 7.25 I was amazed at what I had just done.

Wheels in my brain have been turning and I have been thinking that just What If? What If I can actually do this- Run the mile in 6.31, Run my life's race? What if can actually gain confidence in myself and abilities to actually do things- In being a Mother, In being a Wife? What if I can actually be trusted of myself to take on more and be able to run and move at a faster pace then what I have been going? What if?? I am all nerves with my new idea to try something different. I am hoping that as I do, that it will help our family be closer and function better together. Just What If?? As I make it through this hibernation time, I will be running to see if it makes a difference when it comes to awakening from my winter slumber.

Love You Caleb- Love Always Your Mommy

One Down, Two BIG Ones To Go...

Dear Caleb,

We are on our 6th year of Holidays without you. This October was the first time since 2008 that I actually celebrated Halloween and enjoyed it. We had a Halloween party like in 2008 when I made a Haunted Spook Alley. It took a lot of emotional energy from me which was very draining, but your siblings loved it, so it was worth it. For 6 years I have strongly disliked this holiday because you are beautiful and alive, but the world makes those that pass away sound creepy and disgusting. But I could never accept those lies that the media puts into the minds and hearts of people. Cemetery's are one of the most sacred and special places that I have ever stepped foot on. Out of all the things in the world, this is the last place that anyone would need to be afraid of. These people that are resting are at peace and so they want you too to feel that when you are with them, not fear! What a stupid lie that so many believe and teach to others- it is disturbing and very sad!

Halloween has come and gone, now the heavy back to back Holidays are here again. This time of year does not bring much happiness and cheer for me, just heart break and tears. And I am getting so tired of how our world celebrates the same holidays year after year. I am getting so worn out that our calender stays the same year after year, causing us to have to relive difficult dates over and over again. It is exhausting, it is draining, it is heart breaking. I do not want to seem like a Scrooge at this time of year but honestly, it makes me frustrated that others can be in complete oblivious to broken hearts and deep wounds at this time- as they smile in your face and say, "It's this time of year so exciting"!?!? I just want to tell so many people, "Wake up and recognize the hurt, the broken hearted, those that are just struggling to live that are around you. Don't give them trivial little clich'e remarks about the season, recognize their struggles and reach out! Don't make them think that they have to stuff their real feelings and hide it from everyone because we are all "suppose" to be twitter patted with these Holidays."

The Real Purpose of these holidays should be finding and bringing comfort to those in need. Not in Eating, Drinking and being Merry in oneself. Not in indulging in gifts, things and football to please oneself. It is not in what this Holiday season can bring to you, but what YOU can bring to the Holiday season. It is sad how this time has turned many people inward, instead of outward. There is real hurt and heartache in the world Caleb, and I wish that I could just wrap an arm around all these individuals as they shed deep tears of grief- from empty seats of loved ones that will not be there in person at this time. Holidays are not always the fun 'n' games kind of time of year... because it brings struggles, heaviness, and tears- lots and lots of tears to so many.

If we didn't have your sweet siblings Caleb, I would put aside ALL these dates and holidays, it would be so much easier. But I know that they like them and enjoy them. Plus it is nice to see them smile and laugh, for it makes me feel that you are close by enjoying right along with them. Even though reliving these dates, times, holidays over again may bring tears now, I am a survivor of the ground hog living lifestyle. I can tell you that it is possible to keep going, even when one thinks that they could never carry on- I have and I am still here. I know that you want us to keep trying, so Caleb, I am going to try again on another year of BIG ones.....

Missing You Deeply!! Love Your Mommy

The Process of Grieving

Dear Caleb,

I have come across many things that tell you how long one should grieve for after you loose a loved one, and there have been many people that have mentioned how I should grieve. I had no idea or could even fathom the idea of how difficult this process would be of loosing a loved one. I thought that everyone would feel sad in the same way; like as how simple it is for everyone to feel cheer; through sunshine, rainbows, bubbles.... these make people happy and smile. Grieving and feeling sad is not as simple as I have come to learn and understand, it goes much deeper. I thought your father, your grandparents, family, friends would feel sadness the same way that I would feel sadness, but that has not been the case. We all feel on different levels and in different ways, and I have learned the hard way that though it is challenging, that it is okay. For the longest time these past 5 years I have felt all alone. Alone in not being able to have my feelings feel validated, in not having people near by to just listen, In having them feel like they have to say something in trying to fix my unfixable problem. But the MOST painful for me was to have people avoid me like a bad plague and to have them not say anything at all was more painful on my heart. It did hurt to receive insensitive words, but at least these people had tried to show that they cared, unlike feeling ignored and that what I was going through didn't exists.

October has brought out much anger and frustration that I have harbored against others. And I have come to realize that it is really no ones fault... because we all have literally NO CLUE of what the heck we are doing when it comes to such sensitive matters. We ALL are like little children with no experience in this situation as we move along this unknown, unwanted road so suddenly together. We all grieve in difference ways and we need to allow each other the room, the space, the time to feel, to cry, to learn to live again in our own ways. We can not push or ignore each other, because doing this will only make the grieving process worse and could cause more unwanted problems. So does it matter who gets to that point first in learning how to live again??? NO, because it is NOT a contest!!! You are not a winner until ALL who are affected are all able to develop the capabilities to live and want to try to keep living.  If one gets to this point first is your part done??? Your part actually is not!!! So turn back, reach out, lift and LISTEN to others, in assisting those that are still struggling to find that motivation to continue on this very difficult journey.

Let us be kind, compassionate, and PATIENT with each other as we are trying to walk such unfavorable circumstances together. Don't leave others behind to have to deal with their grief on their own... LISTEN, LISTEN, just listen and let them know that their heartache is real, that their feelings are validated and that you are there and that you still care... no matter how "long" it has been. Time does not heal, that is the biggest faults hood, it is THROUGH time that we learn how to better carry this very heavy burden on our backs. Each year it gets a little lighter, but it does not go away. The Void, the Love... these things will always be there, because these are what remind us that we are still living.

This is the process of grieving that I have come across from these very difficult 5 years from loosing you. It still hurts, and it hurts to see others hurting with their new wounds from loosing loved ones, this is not a fun club to be in. To others that may be reading with grieving hearts- Please know that you are not alone with your hurts, many are here, many care, and many are close by to listen... including me even though I maybe a stranger in person, it is in our deep grieving and heartaches that connect our hearts, making us family- those that grieve together need to stay together.

Love You Always Caleb, Thank You for helping me to learn through the thick of things.
 Love Your Mommy

We Do Not Get To Pick and Choose Our Miracles

Dear Caleb,
October has been a very trialing month with emotions. Early this month, I received such discomforting news about a family member, resulting the start of sleepless nights and disturbing dreams as I would oft wake up in cold sweats, only getting about 30 mins of sleep at a time. Plagued with situations of our past in feeling grief, I began to feel for this family of the family member. It is not an easy thing to come to understand, which can happen all too quickly, in realizing how delicate life can really be. In attending the memorial services for this family member, I recognized the look of shock, the deep pain of grief, and it brought back so many Raw Emotions which stirred up much within me. Things I thought I had faced and dealt with, but I apparently used temporary band aid situations thinking that they would hold, but I was wrong. Those band aids ripped off so fast exposing all the hurt, pain, anger of unfulfilled expectations and disappointment that has held me prisoner of the past for so many years. It hurts to feel so deeply again and again, but it has a very interesting ability- it gives one the understanding of true empathy that one needs in order to reach out on a deep and more tenderly level. A level that speaks without words. A level that touches without gifts. A level of inner compassion from one heart to another who knows deep grief and heartache.
I came home knowing what I was up against, in facing the need to heal what was resurfaced. But I did not expect it to happen in such a way that would seem like deja vu. I have been ill since I arrived home it wasn't anything big to worry about, but I noticed that it was getting progressively more intense from day to day. Two days ago on a beautiful fall day with a big blue sky, Montey and I were in the car going home from his class. This illness was causing me to feel very light headed with the growing pains becoming more unpleasant. We were driving down the same road that we always drive, all those times I had never noticed a railroad track there before. It was a very sunny day so it looked like their could have been a blinking red light, but I couldn't tell for sure, so we continued to drive. Right as we passed I was curious to know if this was truly a working railroad crossing. I looked to the left and sure enough there was indeed a train coming at a rather fast pace. Surprised and in disbelief at what I just saw, I was in shock. At that very moment Montey echoed the SAME words that YOU said to me a quarter of a mile before the car accident; when the deer jumped out of the corn field and almost hit us. You said, "WOW, I can't wait to tell my sisters what just happened when we get home!" When Montey said those same words, I FROZE! I knew what was next when driving with You, the accident. I did not want to be the cause of repeating such unfavorable circumstances, not on my watch, not ever again!! The whole time driving home I kept telling myself and praying out loud, "Drive Safe. Just Drive Safe. Just get home!" I am sure that I annoyed just about every driver that was out from me being OVERLY careful, but I was not going to take any chances. As I pulled into our driveway I was still stunned at what had just taken place, yet relieved because there was no accident, we were ok, and most importantly Montey was safe. Thinking that was it, we were safe and good, until later that evening... I was driving Liahona and Cumorah home from a lesson. My pains intensified out of the blue, my head was spinning and I was feeling super nauseous. I have had this illness before, which I ended up in the hospital last time, so I knew that we just had to get home because it was going to get even worse. Just a measly 14 miles away from home seemed like a lifetime. Thoughts of this being 'The Second Half' of the car accident all over again kept replaying in my mind. But this time it was two of your sweet sisters that were now in peril because of me. Pulling over oft to let out the upset stomach, trying to keep my head clear and focused to get home... once again I found myself saying and praying out loud, "Please Heavenly Father, Please help me to Drive Safe. Just help us to get home safely!" I could not believe what was happening! Not again! Please not again I kept thinking. To go down from 4 kids to 2... I could NOT carry that, I would FOREVER be ANGRY at myself. Finally we reached home, the pains were so sever that I could barely walk from the car into our home. I didn't have time to even be thankful that your sisters were safe from ME. I collapsed with pain on my bed, trying to wait it out til your father arrived home. It had been over 5 years since I actively asked or even had a desired to receive a priesthood blessing for help. At your baptism, in your blessing, you were promised things that I just assumed would be accomplished and fulfilled in this life, and they weren't. We are physical beings, living a physical life, so when blessings are giving it is easy to assume that the promises will be received in this physical life time and way, but I have learned that is not always the case. So I have chosen not to know, if it couldn't be promised now, I did not want to know. But being in still so much pain when your father arrived, before I could even think about what I was saying, I said, "I think I need a Priesthood blessing." And then even surprising myself more, I followed through with allowing it to happen. The Blessing was given and tears where streaming down my face when I heard these words, "I bless you that your pains will cease and that you will be able to sleep." I instantly was thinking, "NO! Do Not take me now, Please I want to live, Please I want to live. I know that for 5 years I have been awaiting for my time to go, but I know if I am given a little bit more of time I can do better..." After my pleas of what seemed like an endless bargaining prayer, my intense and violent shivering, my heart pounding and heavy breathing almost instantly slowed back to normal.
So much I have learned this month, but especially in better understanding that, 'We do not get to choose and pick our miracles'. We did not get one that we strongly desired and prayed for 5 years ago, but now we got one out of the blue. It is important for us to remember that we are not in control when it comes to miracles. We are Only in Control of Ourselves and in how we deal with them when they are granted or with held.
So Love You Caleb. Love Your Mommy

Staying Motivated is the Art of Living

Dear Caleb,

I have nothing of great importance to say, but I feel the need that I should still check in with you, to help me to at least stay sane. It is past the 24th and 25th of this month,  I oft think that I can get by and carry on without needing to write to you, but I am always wrong. I start to die down and tend to stop functionally as well without spending time with you. Though it is never enough, but I will take what I can get- A small measly letter moment to be with you, to shut out the world and to think about you is a gift. I start off the month with the most vigor that I can muscle, and as the month passes and slowly comes upon the 24th and the 25th I start shutting down and motivation seems to disappear from my grasp. I do not know yet how to stay motivated to keep me moving and functioning appropriately. I suppose that is part of the challenge that I do not want to have to face.

We have moved 3 times since you were with us. At first I yearned for all these moves because I always thought in the new move, in the new place, that is when and where I would be happy... and it never came. I never knew why until now. It is because I was always looking to find you, to find that instant joy, to find that instant healing.... always comparing it to our wonderful Heartland of Nebraska. I often find it a little humorous because when we first moved there in 2007 I wanted nothing to do with the place. And I simply refused to be a Husker Football fan. Now I want nothing else but I be back in our place of joys, to that place that makes me feel of you near by and brings a smile to my face. If we could, I would have us move back in a heart beat, but it isn't meant to be so, and not everyone needs that physical peaceful reminder of your sweet face like I do. I long for Nebraska, to be home, for that is where my heart is, that is where you are alive.   And I miss it. I compare every place that we have moved to, to this very high pedestal and nothing has ever come close. I feel bad for all the places that I have put through so much of my emotional constipation: Cavalero, South Lake, Union. I have in 5 years made huge strides since then but, I know it is not enough, and I have yet such a long way to go...

I suppose  I should be grateful and celebrate the journey in how far we have come... but I think celebrate what?! How far we have yet to go?? I do not want to do that, in reminding myself of the journey that we have yet ahead of us- the path, the burden, the tireless road that we have yet to walk and face. But if that road gets us closer to you, then I will walk it. I will bare it and carry it so that we will ever be worthy to be with you again. I can not deviate from this path because I could not stand the thought of seeing a disappointed look on your sweet face when we unite with you someday. I am tired, I am weary of soul, I am a mother carrying a broken heart but I am of much Hope. I know that through our weaknesses that we are made strong through Jesus Christ the Son of God. I have felt his goodness that hoists me up when I am low, and carries me when I am feeble. Thank goodness there is a God that is keenly aware of us and knows how to bring us comfort and inner peace of mind and heart.

XOXOXOXO Love You Ever so much Our Caleb! Love Your Forever Mommy XOXOXOXO

Inheritance of Hope

Dear Caleb,

My last letter was just an emotional  outburst, which I greatly needed to release in helping to clear my mind and ease my aching heart. I have to do that from time to time, especially when it is around very difficult days that cause me to Reflect and  Remember so much of the past.

I am thankful for such kind friends in their encouraging words of support, helping me to push and pull through the thickness of it all. Am I a complete and utter failure from all that has transpired these past 5 years? No, I know that I am not. But I do know that there are obvious things that I can do better, and yet there are things that have already happened that I can not change. With those certain things I am trying to be at peace, for what is done is done, and have the courage to admit that I am not perfect and continue to move forward. I am not the best example of courage and faithfully fulfilling the duties and responsibilities that are given or more entrusted to me. I think about when your siblings are older and looking back at these hard times for our family, will they feel that I have given them a example of hope when things are hard from them, or will I just have caused more disturbances on their heart and mind to deal with later?? Gosh I truly hope that I can change and do better, in helping them to be successful here and now. For that is where we are, so that is truly where my focus and heart needs to be, to be here for them because I can.

There was something pretty profound that Elder Eyring in the 1st Presidency of the church of Jesus Christ said, "You choose to leave an Inheritance of Hope to those who might follow your example."
Those that come to my mind immediately when I think of an Inheritance of Hope are the Mormon Pioneers. They did not "have" to face hunger, fatigue, or even death as they crossed the plains, but they yielded to such unfavorable circumstances to receive the promise of Zion. Where they could have religious freedom and a place to worship their Lord their God, in they way they were guided and directed.
Also I think of Our Savior, Jesus Christ as he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. There he prayed to God asking for the bitter cup to be removed from him, that he would not have to drink it. But then He yielded to such unfavorable circumstances drank the cup, therefore giving mankind HOPE in this world and in the next.

I know what I need to do, but it is not easy. Elder Eyring also said, "Our duties and responsibilities must sometimes be difficult because their purpose is to move us along the path to our eternal home." If this is my goal, and our family's goal, then it is time to put on my courage face on and strive to be that example of Hope that I want to be, and choose to continue to follow the footsteps of my utmost favorite example of Inheritance of Hope.

"... Because Adam and Eve did fall, we have temptations, trials, and death as our universal inheritance. However, our loving Heavenly Father gave us the gift of His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, as our Savior. That great gift and blessing of the Atonement of Jesus Christ brings a universal inheritance: the promise of the Resurrection and the possibility of eternal life to all who are born."

I am thankful for the greatest of all blessings of God- Eternal Life. I know that this promise will be ours, I just hope that in the mean time as I am waiting for these glorious promises to be fulfilled that my face of courage can stay constant and permanent and not easily be removed... but I am working on that, I guess that is why I am still here.

How we LOVE you Caleb! Keep pulling for us, how we need you, oh how we always need you! Love Love and More Love For You. Love Your Mommy

Reflecting is all that I have Left of You

Dear Caleb,

 So Your Angel Day has come and passed, it amazes me that this marks 5 years on your mission. It pains me that I don't get to send you packages or receive letters to hear how you are doing... it breaks my heart to only have to guess what you are doing and how you are doing. I would like to think that you are enjoying your mission, and that you are bringing much happiness into the hearts of those that you are teaching of Christ in Paradise. I know that the feelings and emotions we leave this world with, stay with us as we return to our eternal home.

 So I suppose it is natural for a mom to still feel worried about her child when they are physically away from our care. All your anxieties I hope are doing better if not completely gone? And I wonder how much of our family struggling has had an effect on you serving. Are you smiling and laughing or has our struggles hindered your abilities as you see us ache, hurt and cry because our hearts long to be with you again? I am sorry if I have caused you to have lack of joy in paradise, because of my grief and our grief to carry on without you. It is so much harder then I ever could have imagined. I have hurt so many relationships with friends and family due to my struggling to keep living. I haven't been a very good mother, wife, sister, daughter or friend these past 5 years, and I have lost some very special friendships along the way. Failure Failure Failure is all that I continue to see in and of myself. Struggling has become the very essence of what I am. I have to keep asking myself is this where I really want to stay?? Will this road really make me, us, our family happy?? Though it has been 5 years, the events, the pain, it is still fresh to me and my heart- for it feels like just yesterday. It is only when I notice your siblings growing older and getting bigger that I am reminded that it has been a tad bit longer then just yesterday. There are so many others that have such fresher wounds and hurts then I, then we. And I know it is time to focus more on helping to comfort others in their grief and pain, then on our own. I have to remind myself that by choosing to do this, that it doesn't mean I am choosing to give up on you or our family- I am hoping that it will do the opposite and help our family as we help others at the same time.

 I profoundly miss your ever precious spirit, of love and life. So much energy, so much light you illuminated and circulated about you- touching the lives of so many, and still doing so today. Reflecting, Reflecting, Reflecting is all that I have left with you and of you at this time. I know that we will be given more someday, I just pray that it is sooner more than later.
Love You My Caleb, Love Your Mommy

Make A Difference 2014- Teddy Bear Drive

Thank You Everyone!
Our Teddy Bear Delivery was Accomplished for Our Make A Difference Day!             

62 Teddy Bears Received+ 20 we bought= 82 Total Bears.

Thank You to all who helped us out in our cause, or even to those who wanted too but were unable, or just for your prayers- All were greatly appreciated! Words cannot express our deep gratitude for your kindness, and support at this time for our grieving aching hearts. It was a hard two days, but we are truly touched and blessed to have many loving friends and family. Thank you! May you receive much tender blessings in return.

Love The Mathison Family

Sending you Balloons with ALL of Our LOVE for you, We LOVE You!!

Cumorah waving and saying a big "HI," I know that she remembers you. She walked straight up to your picture without us saying anything and rubbed your face and started waving and saying Hello..... it warmed my heart!

Your Trophy We Awarded To You- For All Your Hard Work, We LOVE You!!

Your Siblings Matching Medals For: "Team Angels," it says, You Make A Difference!

Happy Angel Anniversary. It has been a very rough two days, and it makes me all the more sad that we get to continue without you, but glad that we are one year closer to being with you again someday. 

We Miss you more then words can express!

And We Love you more then words can describe!

Love Your Family- for we are "Team Angels"

It is Arriving Again....

Dear Caleb,

The Car Accident on the 24th , and The Very Early Wee hours of the 25th when they declared of your passing, creates 2 VERY DIFFICULT days for us to always reflect upon every single year. But it is all that we have of you. These measly little 8 years that we got to spend time together... is not enough in my mind and it hurts. I suppose I am very selfish mother because Oh how I wanted MORE... More right NOW, not later. I am not a very patient person and this trial is driving and pushing me to my limits. But the funny thing is, that when I get there to my breaking point, I seem to be granted an extra dose of patience through the grace of Jesus Christ- when I go to him in tears from a broken heart of a Mother. My pleas and prayers saying "... I can not carry this or move another step it hurts, please help me..." And literally beyond my own limitations and abilities I am given an extra boost which carries me until I can start moving again on my own. And when people continue to see that I am still trudging along, they often ask, "Is it getting easier?" or "Is it getting better?" The answer is No! How can it suddenly be all better with carrying a broken heart and having such a deep void in your life that you can never fill! It is not that it is getting better or getting easier. The answer is I am getting more functional. I have been faced with my worse nightmare and I am surprisingly able to keep moving forward. Why is this you say? It is literally ONLY through the grace of Jesus Christ that one CAN keep moving. Not that I want to, because I do not want to. I do not what this path, I do not want this road, I do not want to have to carry such a heavy broken heart.... but I will. I trust that God knows what he is doing. I trust that he knows our family well enough to give us such a heavy burden to carry. It is not that every is ok right now because it is not. I do not have to be ok with that we are living our nightmare, but I know that because of Christ, we WILL be ok, and that everything will turn out alright.
I am often reminded of my analogy that came to me in explaining this very thing. A car with a flat tire can still move and function. It is just at a more cautious and much slower pace then before. One must take stops often and be fully aware of the car as a whole, being patient and only going and moving within its limitations. Is the burden of the flat tire suddenly GONE? Never! It is physically there. This is what it is like. We carry on because our backs through time have been shaped and formed to carry on. Is the heartache of the accident and the damage suddenly GONE? Never! You are still not with us and it is a burden that we will have to carry. Though it is not better, or easier, it is functional. We are aware that we have to move at a slower pace, being patient taking stops to breathe to carry on. We need to be fully aware of ourselves as a whole to not push harder or faster then what the limitations bring. We are a family standing together amidst the challenges that we have been called to carry, and we testify that it is functional ONLY through Jesus Christ, who brings us strength beyond our own abilities- because it is not that we are born strong, we have to learn to become such and choose to hang on even against all odds.
This weekend will be tough, I will not lie. I STRONGLY dislike this time of year, but we have faced this battle before and we will do it again. I am sorry that we have to be separated at this time, but I know that we will be with each other again soon.
Love You Eternally, Love Your Mommy

12 Days Left Til Teddy Bear Drive Delivery

12 Days Left til our Make A Difference Day- 'Our Teddy Bear Drive Delivery!'

Thank You to those who have already helped us out in our cause. We have so far received 25 bears that will soon be loved on by children in the hospital, but we would LOVE to make it more... if you feel that you would like to be apart of helping bring smiles to sad faces and help heal broken hearts please send us your teddy bear donation. They can be brand new, or they can be in just like New condition.

Thanks for your support at this very difficult time for our family in remembering all that took place on Aug 24th and 25th in 2009. If you are not able to send teddy bears, PRAYERS would be greatly appreciated.... the tears... oh, those dreaded tears have already been in full swing....
With Much Love Tanya and Family

Teddy Bear Drive- Our 5th Annual Make A Difference Day

Dear Caleb,

It's getting to be that time of year again, and we are preparing to serve with you as Team Angels on our Make A Difference Day. Here is what I sent out:

Dear Friends and Family,

Our family picks a service in the community For Caleb's Angel Anniversary Aug 24-25, of which we call those days, Our Make A Difference Day! This is our 5th year of Service with Caleb.

In 2012 we held a Teddy Bear Drive, receiving over 70 bears and donated them to a Children's Hospital. This Year we are holding another Teddy Bear Drive for Our Make A Difference Day, our goal is 100 Teddy Bears. Imagine all those sad faces that will be turned to smiles as they receive and hug their teddy bear during their hospital stay.... We would LOVE for you to join our Cause.

We will be delivering the Teddy Bears on Aug 24th. You can send them to us. There is so much heart ache in this world, let's try to bring a little bit of cheer and sunshine into the hearts of the children that need it in our world today.

Thank You for your all your continued Love and Support.
:)The Mathison Family

 

P.S If need the address please send me a message or an email and I will send that information to you, Thank You for your time and for your support!

Odds were Not in the Positive but it is never Hopeless

Dear Caleb,

Sometimes I still feel like I have to put on a show when people ask "How I am doing", but it is becoming less of an act. A smile and a laugh still feels foreign at times, but it is becoming more real and something that I am starting to call my own. It is a choice that I still literally have to choose and make everyday, it hasn't come fully natural yet- but it is getting closer. Just like choosing to get out of bed is still a choice that I have to make as well, but thanks to your little busy, demanding, baby sister it has forced me when: days, nights, weeks, months, years have been hard. The bottom of the line is, even with 5 years next month, from carrying all this grief and anguish, is that- One has to make that continuous choice to try and rise above it. Because if you give in, and it is SO very easy to do that- but if you give in, it is VERY difficult to climb out on your own. Lives, families, relationships get pushed to their limits and trying to salvage them after all that was said and done.... well the odds are very bleak- but NOT Hopeless!!! Your Daddy and I have been on a very rough road, but nothing is impossible to fix from what was lost- Time! Time is what was lost, almost 5 years of our marriage, of our family, of me being a mother to your siblings.... Almost Five Whole Years have been lost in grief, because I couldn't nor wouldn't dare to see anything else. The Pit was Dug, the Hole was Deep, the Odds were Not in the Positive, however, it is never Hopeless. Your Daddy and I are a standing witness to that. Our family is a standing witness that even with families with holes and broken hearts can rise together and keep moving forward. It is POSSIBLE, and there ARE families and marriages that can make it, despite ALL the odds. We choose to not let this ruin our eternity together, which all starts with the choices that we make right now!

Whether one is: Religious, Spiritual, Hopefully, One with Nature.... it is important to know that in the moment of turbulent times these things do not fail us, We Fail Them. The moment that we stop being true to ourselves and true to our hearts, giving into pain, anger, disappointment- that is when we allow ourselves to sink beneath the tsunami waves of the world. The Pits are Dug, the Holes are Deep, and the Odds are Not in the Positive, however, there is always Hope- it is NEVER Hopeless!! There were moments when I thought perhaps my Religion failed me, because why was I unhappy, and full of bitterness. My Religion was suppose to be a happy one, because I was taught that "Men are that they might have joy," but where was my joy?? For sure my religion has failed me I thought. Then I would almost instantly think of you Caleb, telling me, "Mom, everything is going to be OK."  And I stop and ponder on what if I 'give in' to hopelessness of the grief, anger and disappointments; loosing my chance to be with you forever, and having to live forever with this whole in my heart, that would be the complete opposite of what I am anticipating for Our Forever Family. That is when I make the choice again, to push up my sleeves and start 'feeling again' by climbing out of the Deep Pit that I Dug Myself into- for it is never Hopeless!

Much Anticipation from remembering the events of next month has already begun. Knots and Chills have resurfaced, along with me wanting to pull inwards. Trying to make your Angel Day a positive one for your siblings is truly hard for me, but I want them to have something good to focus on- and watching them be happy helps me stay calm. So we have decided to do our Teddy Bear Drive again, and donate to a local hospital in hopes to lift spirits and create smiles for the children. There is enough heartache and sorrow in this world, and it is time to pull out more from myself and do what I can to help heal hearts and bring comfort to others- even if it is just something small and insignificant as a Teddy Bear. Our goal was 50 when we did this 2 years ago, and we got over 70. I think our goal this year will be 100... Just think of all those smiles- I am looking forward in helping to bring more healing and love to this world that is full of pain and hurts.

We LOVE You Caleb... Ow my heart... Five years next month is so LONG... it hurts!
And yet is just feels like yesterday, gosh we dearly miss your sweet face Caleb.....
Sure wish Christ would just come to end our misery in this Endless Trial we are given to bear.
Love You Caleb, Love Your Mommy

Your 13th Brithday Celebrations

Your DAY! Happy 13th Birthday!! We LOVE YOU Our Buddy Boy!!

Birthday Presents for YOU...

Presents YOU gave to your siblings...

Birthday Dinner and Dessert

Tennis Birthday Play

Wishing You A Very Happy Birthday and A Very Special Year For You In Heaven!
Love Your Family

Allow Room For Error and Forgiveness

Dear Caleb,

This month I have felt a stronger pull, a stronger pull towards depression again. I know what it is, I notice now when I am starting to feel that way, I am learning to Stop and breathe though it like a labor contraction- because if you really think about it, that is really what it is. These darn contractions come and go, but they do not stay. They bring small to big pains, but the best way to make it through them, is to just let it go and allow it to take its course. Then and only then will the breaks come to bring a moment of peace and rest in between. If we tense and tighten and fight through these contractions it only makes the pain worse, and defeats the purpose behind the letting go and letting nature take its course. But where's that nice epidural that one could use? Because Boy it sure can get intense! I wished I would have allowed myself to use an anti-depressant or more counseling because going natural was super intense and very unfun for both me and for our family- Unfun is putting it a little too nicely. So as others can say they have gone through Child Labor Naturally, I suppose I can say, "Well I labored naturally too, but with grief and sorrow."

Two weeks ago, was THE week of building up emotions: Liahona's Birthday, Your birthday coming, unpleasant blasts from the past, then something very odd happened. A piece of glass from the windshield of our small Dodge Neon car where my forehead hit came oozing out. Taking 4 1/2 years to resurface- a place that has given me much pain, and has been very sensitive for so long. It is hard to explain but as it came out, strength left my body. I instantly felt dizzy, sick to my stomach, and felt as though I was about to past out. As I held this piece of glass covered in blood between fingers, I could  not believe what I was seeing. I was in shock, and yet upset again all at the same time. I did not need this on that very week with so many others trials that were on my plate- why another one? And Why such a huge one such as this?? Why was the past coming to haunt me when I had been on the longest good stretch I had ever managed to walk on since the beginning of all this. Yup, I knew a very deep heavy depression was coming, the clouds were thick and very grey, and they where rolling in faster then I thought I had ever seen.

Struggling to sleep that night, in between sobs trying not to wake anyone, I tried to push and stuff my feelings down- pretends that this was not happening to me. Why we do that in those vulnerable moments I do not know, because it only makes things worse. The whole next day the dark clouds encircled me and caught me as it tried to blow me in every direction with my thoughts and feelings. I found myself back in the pit of that inner battle of grief and depression. Then Monday evening came. A family discussion and lesson prepared for a certain family member that I gave, only having to realized that it was suppose to be for ME! "When we are not being honest with ourselves, it places us in a deep pit, and we become a prisoner of the past. But once we forgive ourselves, we are set free, and we no longer are a prisoner, but are literally SET FREE!" So I made a Firm Decision, that I was not going to be a prisoner of the Past with all the grief and sorrow, and blasts from the past...that I almost INSTANTLY felt a renewed strength as this huge burden lifted from right OFF my shoulders.

I have learned SO MUCH this month, of how IMPORTANT it is to Allow Room for Error, and to Allow Room for Forgiveness. For these are the TWO keys in being set FREE and no longer being that prisoner of the past. What a blessed, long  and very difficult road this has been. One that I hope I have passed to never have to do again, but one that I would NEVER take back. But looking back at the past so thankful that the good has come at last.

Thank You for not giving up on us Caleb. We can't thank you enough... Happy 13th Birthday Today!
We look forward in celebrating with you again soon. XOXOXO
Much Love, Love Your Mommy :)

The Old Self goes neither Gladly or Quickly

Dear Caleb,

I am so grateful that I can confide in you when I need an outlet. Starting this month stirrings within have begun. I am starting to recognize them more as what they are and not as what I am. Oh how easy it is to be halfhearted, but it only produces half the growth, half the blessings, and just half a life. I have known that life because it is something that I have lived for 4 1/2 years... and it calls to me often. But that kind of life only produces small buds and rarely any blossoms, and I am trying to allow myself, our family, to bloom again. But it is very hard to break free from our old selves and become susceptible to the shaping of the Lord. The old self goes neither gladly nor quickly.

This month you and Liahona, my Irish Twins, are turning such special ages. You 13 and Liahona 12. My heart is both hurting and overjoyed for a new chapter that we have never known, nor thought would ever come.... and here we are. Anger, Bitterness, Sadness... all seem to be the very first things that I feel at this time. But I know these are not of me, nor what God wants for me to feel. I can however choose to acknowledge these feelings and allow them to over take me again into another deep depression. Or I can choose to acknowledge them, and let them go. Holding on to these feelings I know will only place more hurt in our family relationships. So I am choosing to express them to you. I just needed to talk to someone about how I am feeling... it hurts, and I am scared to have to admit it.

You were suppose to be our first child graduating from Primary at church, and going into the older classes at 12. And you will be our first teenager turning 13 this year, but we cannot express that and celebrate it like everyone else. You are my oldest and you keep getting by passed of things that are suppose to be fulfilled with the first born. My heart hurts and yet so full of emotions of the joy, for Liahona will be able to deliver these opportunities for you and for us.

I need to remind myself that now is the time for me to be patient. I do not like being patient. I want my family together and want it NOW! I want my broken heart to be mended and want it mended NOW! I know now is the time for me to be content, and I am trying my very best in finding that and keeping it. Because I know that contentness will bring that lasting peace that I so truly need, especially now!

Please Stay Near By Caleb... Oh How I Need You!
Love Your Mommy :)

May Prayer in Poetry

Dear Caleb,

The month of May brought on Mother's Day,
Something that I oft wished would just go away.

I forget each year the pains that are tied,
Within my heart thinking that they died.

Out they come alive as ever,
Just not a strong nor stay forever.

Though I am grateful that it reminds my heart,
That I can still feel love for you though we are apart.

Time does something to our minds as it goes on,
Like a Neverland sucks our memories practically gone.

I strongly dislike the feeling of slowly forgetting your face,
Makes me want to scream and run to a safe place.

To a place of the heart where those memories always will be,
How I dream of that day where the memories no longer flee.

Just to have my dreams become my reality,
Is the gift I pray that will be ours in actuality.

Not looking forward to forgetting more of you,
But anxious to keep moving to wipe away these blues.

The closer we get to you the more excited I become,
And it is as if I can hear the Heavenly drum.

We ache, We love, We support, We miss,
You our sweet little boy of all your bliss.

Remember to stay near by so that we  can feel of your strength.
Love You K-Bub, Love Your Momma

Living "IN" Easter

Dear Caleb,

The only way that I can live from day to day is by living "IN" Easter- meaning, making everyday Easter in my heart. Easter isn't just some nice annual holiday that we celebrate from year to year, but it is REAL and of MUCH worth! Easter and Spring General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints always comes at the time when I am needing it the most. Just in time to buoy me up and prepare my heart for the ringer of Spring birthdays and dates that have been hard in the past.

Patience is something that I am not very good at. And with the promises from God about Easter time, it is hard for me to wait and see with my own eyes the fulfillment of these things. The words patience and endure to the end places a sick feeling in my stomach. I know that timing is always in the Lord's hands, but we too have a job to do, and work to accomplish in the mean time. We cannot just sit around waiting and dreaming above, that is counter productive. But oh how much easier that way is, but a way  of not much fulfilment. I know that we are still required to keep moving and caring for the needs of our family here and now. So the real hard work really begins.

Getting out of bed isn't the hardest thing of the day anymore. Figuring out how to survive the roller coaster of emotions isn't a huge hinderment on our family and my marriage life anymore. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever come to stand where I am today... Saying that I have survived living my worst nightmare and I am still standing. Never did I think that it would ever be possible to come out on top, and feel like I could talk without the waterfall of tears being its companion . If you asked me if I ever thought it would be possible to be happy again, I would have answered you straight forward with, "NO WAY, there is no way!"

Only as of February could real smiles finally be seen and laughter to be found coming from me, the once overly depressed, broken hearted, aching, grieving Tanya. Guilt and Anger are the counter-productive components of this new heart that can finally sing the song of Redeeming Love, which tries to break the smile and laughter from time to time. If my heart, my eyes, my focus gets even the slightest bit away from living "IN" Easter, a zing of an panic attack tries to invade and destroy my inner peace.

We have come so far, we have struggled so much, we have felt so deeply, that we know that we are on the right path, and we can not stop now. Moments still come with thoughts that say, "You have done enough, stop, you do not have to finish." But I know those are not the thoughts of God, for we have done a lot, but it is not finish until we meet again. Then, and only then will this great and difficult work that we have been asked to do will be complete.

So until then... We will just keep living "IN" Easter. Love you Caleb.
Love Your Mommy

"darkness is past and the true light now shineth"

Dear Caleb,

This Spring Time is moving like a wave of green a little bit more each day. I have forgotten how much I love to hear the birds singing, cooing, and chirping about. Spring is Life, Spring is Growth, Spring is Change- all which signifies exactly where I am right now, and I find solace in that. Especially with the incident that happened on the 15th of this month.

We were eating out at the Olive Garden, trying to spend some nice quality family time, when our little Cumorah started choking. As a child I had developed a HUGE fear of choking, which I carried into my marriage as a newly mother with little children. I would cut up your food into tinee tiny bits, until you where 3 years old, including your other siblings as well. Many people thought I was a little "off" and laugh at what I was doing, but I just preferred to prevent anything from happening when it came to choking.  There is still a rule in the home that no one is allowed to choke.

Fear and Panic sunk in when I saw our sweet little baby in such peril. Your father acted immediately and attempted several times trying to help clear her air flow, as her skin color grew paler and paler. Everything seemed to be in slow motion again, and sounds began to fade. It was in that moment where I had recognized that I had been there before... it was in the ambulance after the car accident on my way to be with you at the hospital, where I was told that it is going to be alright. As I watched your father attempt at what would be the last chance, before Cumorah limped unconscious, I felt very strongly again that it was going to be alright. Whether it would be your Father to rescue her, or you Caleb, I knew that it was going to be alright, and that she would soon be out of pain, and free from her discomfort.

In James 4: 13-15 I read, "Go to now ye that say, Today or Tomorrow we will go into such a city and continue there a year and buy and sell and get gain. Whereas ye know not what shall be on the marrow, For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appeareth for a little, and then vanisheth away, For that ye ought to say, 'If the Lord will, we shall live and do this or that'." In that moment I thought perhaps Cumorah fulfilled what she was told to do- to bring us joy and happiness again in our family. To teach us how to laugh, how to smile, how to just enjoy being together again, and that it is ok to make new memories. I thought perhaps she too was only ours for but a vapor that appeareth for a little and then vanisheth away.

But then your father dislodged the contents to allow a passage for air flow to begin again. As our dinner sat in front of us getting cold, our whole family sat in silence still in shock of what just took place. As I held our baby girl ever so limp, and still struggling to develop a breathing rhythm again with so pale of skin color- I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I could feel her heart beating and feel her warmth against mine. My thoughts and emotions encompassed me as I prayed many prayers of gratitude, and was no longer interested in eating my dinner that lay before me.

Perhaps this was another test to see how I would handle letting go of another child, Perhaps it was a test on a grief stricken mother's heart, Perhaps.... But whatever the reason, we got to go home TOGETHER. Something that we didn't get to do with you, and I count this a HUGE blessing. Going home without your child is a very bitter terrible gut wrenching feeling. But we were spared from reliving the past at this time. And I got to kiss her goodnight instead of goodbye. How horribly difficult our last moments were with you in the hospital, so much ache. But we were spared from reliving the past at this time. We counted this whole evening a joyous one on our hearts. So grateful that Our Loving Heavenly Father was mindful of what we needed in the very moment that we needed it.

"Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you; because the darkness is past and the true light now shineth." 1John 2:8 That darkness from grief and sorrow has past and the light, the love, and peace has replaced it. We know that we can continue in moving forward because of that light which has been evident in our lives and keeps shining.

We Love You Caleb, Thank you for always being on standby. How VERY Much We LOVE You!
Love Your Mommy

Smile and Stand

Dear Caleb,

Well with much emotion, I am writing you today Caleb, to tell you that I made it past my last and biggest pit of depression. You know you are on to something, when opposition comes in the whirl winds of heaviness and dark clouds from within that are thick- where you can almost feel yourself being choked and sinking deeper and deeper. Well that is what it has been within myself, trying to fight off the consuming enemy since the holidays starting with my birthday in October. Was there any way out? Where was that light and further hope that I knew that would come. So ready to give in and just accept where I, where we, were at. Fighting off the enemy has been a long battle for 4 1/2 years. A battle of going to Hell and back. Yet there has been moments of so much immense JOY, things that we couldn't have, nor would have experienced had it not been for this journey that we have been given to walk.

Ache to Joy, Sorrow to Peace, Bitter to so much Sweetness!!!
Caleb, sweet Caleb. Our spring came. This has been the year of overcoming our fears. My favorite place in the world had become one of those fears. It was so emotionally difficult to be there, or even to talk about that place. A place that once brought so much joy, had become a place that I tried to avoid, to push off emotions that I just wanted to bury, and call quits. But my longings to go back kept my mind thinking about it from time to time. Two weeks ago I attempted to go again. But it was exactly what I thought would happen... I couldn't do it, it was too hard emotionally on my body and mind.

I know that Christ came to truly save us from OURSELVES! "He is a mediator of a better covenant, which was established upon better promises. For if that first covenant had been flawless then should no place have been sought for the second." (Hebrews 8:6-7) This world, we as humans, are so incredibly flawed. And our Heavenly God Above knew that we would be so from the beginning. Which is why the second was sought for. Giving us a second chance to redeem ourselves and to be perfected through the saving grace of the Savior. Allowing his atoning sacrifice to truly sink deep into our hearts and mind, surrendering all to the will of God. For it is his plan and it is his way that he has given for us to walk, so truly it is only through him that it can be done.

Last week, I went back to my favorite place in the world. This time I prayed a different prayer. As I prayed I let my expectations go- Praying that A Loving God above would help me, by granting me strength to return to this place. I prayed that I would be blessed with inner peace to stop this inner battle within myself. That i could feel surrounded by his love, to be reminded that I am loved. To see myself in his eyes until I can learn to love myself again. With nerves high, emotions flowing without a sign of stopping, body shaking, heart pounding... even with all of that Peace filled my pounding heart, incredible light filled the room and I knew that it was where I needed to be to receive further light and understanding.

I have personally come to a better understanding about faith. It can be easier to say that you believe in God and in Jesus Christ, especially when you are given those miracles that are prayed for, in the very moment that they are said. But what about those prayers that do not get answered the way that you pray for?? Does that mean you are not loved by God? Does that you mean you are not important to him? Does that mean that your do not have faith? These are the questions that I had been battling with. And the answer is- You are so loved, You are so important. Your faith is enough. And because a Loving Father in Heaven is truly aware of us individually, that he tells us, "It is going to be Okay!" Not that things are alright, but that things are going to be okay. And God does not lie. What he says, is what he promises, and he always keeps his promises. I believe that with all my heart. I know that things are always going to be tender here in this life without you Caleb being with us, but it is going to be okay. And it is time for me to take a Stand and be the leader that I have been called to be- one knowing much grief and sorrow. And it is time for me to smile the joys of sorrow, grief, pain, and yes death. I am going to suck the bad feelings out if these words, for they really mean LIFE! Life to live again with our father. Life that comes through and from our Savior Jesus Christ. I have seen the sign of spring, and I have gained an appreciation of the gift that we have been given to walk.

Oh Caleb, how I continue to be so Proud of you. Thank You for Staying close by.
You are So Loved!
Love Always, Your Momma

Journeying of Enduring

Dear Caleb,

My body can always sense that it is time to visit with you. Here we are on the 24th again, and life has been full of trickling emotions since the rippling effects from the ringer of holidays.
To sort out the emotions into words is a very hard thing to do. Mainly because words can never go deep enough to explain 'the how' of the tender feelings of the heart.  But i know that you will always understand my babblings, so here it goes...

So much of the whirl wind continues to blow, though I try so hard to remind myself to stay in the eye of each storm- where it is clam, where you can stay in one place and not get knocked down continuously. It is so hard to pick myself up each time one occurs. Trying to smile through the gusts of emotions and reminding myself to be happy, be happy- it is not as easy as one would think. I know it is a choice to be happy, but I have learned that it is not like a light switch that one can suddenly switch on and immediately "be happy." But telling myself to be happy, get happy, become happy... well the funny thing is that it is not making me happy. The phrase, 'fake it til you make it', has been my hope in someday truly being able to naturally be happy again. I know it is possible, I can feel moments of it coming into our lives again, some more then others, but it is there and it is coming.

I am reminded of this one time with the Mormon Pioneer Saints, when it looked like there was no sign of hope, no sign of miracles to bring forth the happiness of Zion that they were looking for. It was in December of 1838, The Prophet Joseph Smith, with a few others were prisoners in Liberty Jail in Missouri. This jail had no heat. They were kept in the basement with little light and little food to eat. The floor was filthy, and the ceiling was incredibly low that prevented them to have the ability to stand up straight. And on top of that, the Saint had been driven from their homes from the extermination order from the Governor, Lilburn W. Boggs.

Where were the little miracles to keep their smiles on their faces? Where were the ray of lights that showed the way? This is exactly what the Prophet asked God. He said, "O, God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" They were held prisoners for 4 long, cold, miserable months. I know the blessings that are promised to those whom continue to put their faith in God, and allow the love of Jesus Christ to carry us down the paths that we have been trusted to walk. Four years has been our long walk of, "O, God, where art thou?" I know the joy that will come, and will be ours someday, but what about the NOW? I, We need the miracles, the hopes, the small ray of sunlight NOW- that can help us put a smile on our faces NOW!

This is the answer that God gave the prophet during those difficult months, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." I know that the challenges we are given during our lives are to bring us to Christ; to soften our hearts and allow us to change for the better when before we could not because we did not have room for growth. The word Endure makes me cringe, give me any other commandment, and I can do it. Tell me to endure, and well my body screams, "How long?" But I am reminded that the greatest person who endured things and did it so perfectly well, was Jesus Christ- he is the greatest example of Endurance in this life.

Though I may not feel that I have the stamina to 'Endure' especially when my body screams, "Slow Down!"- I know that it is crucial to keep moving forward. I want us to be worthy of obtaining our family goal- to be together again. And I know that just as the Saints received Divine help after a long testing period of 4 hard months, we too will receive Divine help after a long testing period of 4 hard years. I came across something the other day that struck my heart with so much truth, and has given me a push to keep up the journeying of enduring, it was: "What we get during our life is inconsequential, but what we become in life makes all the difference." I know that this is where the 'REAL' happiness finds us, it isn't in things we find outside of the walls of our home, it is ALL within.

We LOVE you our Caleb Boy.
This Endurance thing is aging my body, but I am slowing... very slowly getting it, bit by bit.
Love Always, Your Mommy