Hibernation of Survival Mode

Dear Caleb,

My last post was once again and overloading of emotions that I needed to release before they consumed my every thought and action. Thank you for listening and being there for me to vent and share how I truly feel in the every moment that I am in need of someone.

This is one of the many times throughout the year that I go into what I call a 'Hibernation' from overwhelming emotions for survival mode, to recharge and focus. The only tricky thing about caving in, is climbing back out. It is not as difficult as it use to be in pulling out from my self-induced hibernation, but it is still a very complicated and very sensitive situation.

I am naturally a very emotional deep feeling person, so why should I have been surprised to realized that my grieving is as such as well. I have not encountered many people that grieve like me, which is why I would often feel alone. Many people pull away from wanting to feel and talk about situations of the heart, and so I have even felt that distance from other fellow grievers, but I respect their need to do things in their own way. Plus on another note I have only come across only a handful of people that lost a young child, which makes the loneliness even more so in trying to find someone to relate with. The typical grieving that I have come across are those that: shun it, ignore it, or stuff and hide their sorrows. These are they that do not want to feel or be reminded of the events because it brings back all the hurt, sorrow and pain, for this is harder for them. However, for me to 'not' feel my grief, that would be harder for me. I came up with an example of how I differ from the typical grieving ways- Theoretically speaking (because I in no way no what it is like, but with grieving is all the same path)...the example of having one's arm being cut off. Individuals who would grieve by shunning, ignoring, stuffing and hiding would make adjustments to move onward and try to forget that they even once had an arm, or would take steps to forget their disappointment from loosing their arm. For there is no wrong way to grieve only different. I on the other hand would talk about my arm that was once their. For me, just because my arm is not there anymore does not mean that it is not apart of me anymore. It is and it always will be, just like you Caleb. Just because you are not here with me anymore does not mean that you are not real and do not exist. And I will not carry on without carrying my grief to remind me daily that you are real and that you are alive.

Depression has been an unavoidable companion that has almost beaten me at times. I have lost much confidence in myself in many aspects, including my abilities to be a mom. And if I was not there for you Caleb, then what am I good for I oft would think. So truly I must be unworthy of being trusted in I too would think. I am good at applying slack and forgiveness to others but not when it comes to myself. I place myself on a very high level and I expect myself to stay within those means, because I do not want to hurt our family again. I have started running to try and accomplish a plan that was set earlier to run a mile in 6.31 like what I did in 5th grade. But as I run I want to just quit on myself, my body aches and screams stop what are you doing, you can't do this? It is easier in life to quit, to stop, to give in, to give up then to actually keep living because to live... that is truly harder. This month your little sister and I ran a mile race and when I finished with the time 7.25 I was amazed at what I had just done.

Wheels in my brain have been turning and I have been thinking that just What If? What If I can actually do this- Run the mile in 6.31, Run my life's race? What if can actually gain confidence in myself and abilities to actually do things- In being a Mother, In being a Wife? What if I can actually be trusted of myself to take on more and be able to run and move at a faster pace then what I have been going? What if?? I am all nerves with my new idea to try something different. I am hoping that as I do, that it will help our family be closer and function better together. Just What If?? As I make it through this hibernation time, I will be running to see if it makes a difference when it comes to awakening from my winter slumber.

Love You Caleb- Love Always Your Mommy