The Old Self goes neither Gladly or Quickly

Dear Caleb,

I am so grateful that I can confide in you when I need an outlet. Starting this month stirrings within have begun. I am starting to recognize them more as what they are and not as what I am. Oh how easy it is to be halfhearted, but it only produces half the growth, half the blessings, and just half a life. I have known that life because it is something that I have lived for 4 1/2 years... and it calls to me often. But that kind of life only produces small buds and rarely any blossoms, and I am trying to allow myself, our family, to bloom again. But it is very hard to break free from our old selves and become susceptible to the shaping of the Lord. The old self goes neither gladly nor quickly.

This month you and Liahona, my Irish Twins, are turning such special ages. You 13 and Liahona 12. My heart is both hurting and overjoyed for a new chapter that we have never known, nor thought would ever come.... and here we are. Anger, Bitterness, Sadness... all seem to be the very first things that I feel at this time. But I know these are not of me, nor what God wants for me to feel. I can however choose to acknowledge these feelings and allow them to over take me again into another deep depression. Or I can choose to acknowledge them, and let them go. Holding on to these feelings I know will only place more hurt in our family relationships. So I am choosing to express them to you. I just needed to talk to someone about how I am feeling... it hurts, and I am scared to have to admit it.

You were suppose to be our first child graduating from Primary at church, and going into the older classes at 12. And you will be our first teenager turning 13 this year, but we cannot express that and celebrate it like everyone else. You are my oldest and you keep getting by passed of things that are suppose to be fulfilled with the first born. My heart hurts and yet so full of emotions of the joy, for Liahona will be able to deliver these opportunities for you and for us.

I need to remind myself that now is the time for me to be patient. I do not like being patient. I want my family together and want it NOW! I want my broken heart to be mended and want it mended NOW! I know now is the time for me to be content, and I am trying my very best in finding that and keeping it. Because I know that contentness will bring that lasting peace that I so truly need, especially now!

Please Stay Near By Caleb... Oh How I Need You!
Love Your Mommy :)