Allow Room For Error and Forgiveness

Dear Caleb,

This month I have felt a stronger pull, a stronger pull towards depression again. I know what it is, I notice now when I am starting to feel that way, I am learning to Stop and breathe though it like a labor contraction- because if you really think about it, that is really what it is. These darn contractions come and go, but they do not stay. They bring small to big pains, but the best way to make it through them, is to just let it go and allow it to take its course. Then and only then will the breaks come to bring a moment of peace and rest in between. If we tense and tighten and fight through these contractions it only makes the pain worse, and defeats the purpose behind the letting go and letting nature take its course. But where's that nice epidural that one could use? Because Boy it sure can get intense! I wished I would have allowed myself to use an anti-depressant or more counseling because going natural was super intense and very unfun for both me and for our family- Unfun is putting it a little too nicely. So as others can say they have gone through Child Labor Naturally, I suppose I can say, "Well I labored naturally too, but with grief and sorrow."

Two weeks ago, was THE week of building up emotions: Liahona's Birthday, Your birthday coming, unpleasant blasts from the past, then something very odd happened. A piece of glass from the windshield of our small Dodge Neon car where my forehead hit came oozing out. Taking 4 1/2 years to resurface- a place that has given me much pain, and has been very sensitive for so long. It is hard to explain but as it came out, strength left my body. I instantly felt dizzy, sick to my stomach, and felt as though I was about to past out. As I held this piece of glass covered in blood between fingers, I could  not believe what I was seeing. I was in shock, and yet upset again all at the same time. I did not need this on that very week with so many others trials that were on my plate- why another one? And Why such a huge one such as this?? Why was the past coming to haunt me when I had been on the longest good stretch I had ever managed to walk on since the beginning of all this. Yup, I knew a very deep heavy depression was coming, the clouds were thick and very grey, and they where rolling in faster then I thought I had ever seen.

Struggling to sleep that night, in between sobs trying not to wake anyone, I tried to push and stuff my feelings down- pretends that this was not happening to me. Why we do that in those vulnerable moments I do not know, because it only makes things worse. The whole next day the dark clouds encircled me and caught me as it tried to blow me in every direction with my thoughts and feelings. I found myself back in the pit of that inner battle of grief and depression. Then Monday evening came. A family discussion and lesson prepared for a certain family member that I gave, only having to realized that it was suppose to be for ME! "When we are not being honest with ourselves, it places us in a deep pit, and we become a prisoner of the past. But once we forgive ourselves, we are set free, and we no longer are a prisoner, but are literally SET FREE!" So I made a Firm Decision, that I was not going to be a prisoner of the Past with all the grief and sorrow, and blasts from the past...that I almost INSTANTLY felt a renewed strength as this huge burden lifted from right OFF my shoulders.

I have learned SO MUCH this month, of how IMPORTANT it is to Allow Room for Error, and to Allow Room for Forgiveness. For these are the TWO keys in being set FREE and no longer being that prisoner of the past. What a blessed, long  and very difficult road this has been. One that I hope I have passed to never have to do again, but one that I would NEVER take back. But looking back at the past so thankful that the good has come at last.

Thank You for not giving up on us Caleb. We can't thank you enough... Happy 13th Birthday Today!
We look forward in celebrating with you again soon. XOXOXO
Much Love, Love Your Mommy :)