Staying Motivated is the Art of Living

Dear Caleb,

I have nothing of great importance to say, but I feel the need that I should still check in with you, to help me to at least stay sane. It is past the 24th and 25th of this month,  I oft think that I can get by and carry on without needing to write to you, but I am always wrong. I start to die down and tend to stop functionally as well without spending time with you. Though it is never enough, but I will take what I can get- A small measly letter moment to be with you, to shut out the world and to think about you is a gift. I start off the month with the most vigor that I can muscle, and as the month passes and slowly comes upon the 24th and the 25th I start shutting down and motivation seems to disappear from my grasp. I do not know yet how to stay motivated to keep me moving and functioning appropriately. I suppose that is part of the challenge that I do not want to have to face.

We have moved 3 times since you were with us. At first I yearned for all these moves because I always thought in the new move, in the new place, that is when and where I would be happy... and it never came. I never knew why until now. It is because I was always looking to find you, to find that instant joy, to find that instant healing.... always comparing it to our wonderful Heartland of Nebraska. I often find it a little humorous because when we first moved there in 2007 I wanted nothing to do with the place. And I simply refused to be a Husker Football fan. Now I want nothing else but I be back in our place of joys, to that place that makes me feel of you near by and brings a smile to my face. If we could, I would have us move back in a heart beat, but it isn't meant to be so, and not everyone needs that physical peaceful reminder of your sweet face like I do. I long for Nebraska, to be home, for that is where my heart is, that is where you are alive.   And I miss it. I compare every place that we have moved to, to this very high pedestal and nothing has ever come close. I feel bad for all the places that I have put through so much of my emotional constipation: Cavalero, South Lake, Union. I have in 5 years made huge strides since then but, I know it is not enough, and I have yet such a long way to go...

I suppose  I should be grateful and celebrate the journey in how far we have come... but I think celebrate what?! How far we have yet to go?? I do not want to do that, in reminding myself of the journey that we have yet ahead of us- the path, the burden, the tireless road that we have yet to walk and face. But if that road gets us closer to you, then I will walk it. I will bare it and carry it so that we will ever be worthy to be with you again. I can not deviate from this path because I could not stand the thought of seeing a disappointed look on your sweet face when we unite with you someday. I am tired, I am weary of soul, I am a mother carrying a broken heart but I am of much Hope. I know that through our weaknesses that we are made strong through Jesus Christ the Son of God. I have felt his goodness that hoists me up when I am low, and carries me when I am feeble. Thank goodness there is a God that is keenly aware of us and knows how to bring us comfort and inner peace of mind and heart.

XOXOXOXO Love You Ever so much Our Caleb! Love Your Forever Mommy XOXOXOXO