Reflecting is all that I have Left of You

Dear Caleb,

 So Your Angel Day has come and passed, it amazes me that this marks 5 years on your mission. It pains me that I don't get to send you packages or receive letters to hear how you are doing... it breaks my heart to only have to guess what you are doing and how you are doing. I would like to think that you are enjoying your mission, and that you are bringing much happiness into the hearts of those that you are teaching of Christ in Paradise. I know that the feelings and emotions we leave this world with, stay with us as we return to our eternal home.

 So I suppose it is natural for a mom to still feel worried about her child when they are physically away from our care. All your anxieties I hope are doing better if not completely gone? And I wonder how much of our family struggling has had an effect on you serving. Are you smiling and laughing or has our struggles hindered your abilities as you see us ache, hurt and cry because our hearts long to be with you again? I am sorry if I have caused you to have lack of joy in paradise, because of my grief and our grief to carry on without you. It is so much harder then I ever could have imagined. I have hurt so many relationships with friends and family due to my struggling to keep living. I haven't been a very good mother, wife, sister, daughter or friend these past 5 years, and I have lost some very special friendships along the way. Failure Failure Failure is all that I continue to see in and of myself. Struggling has become the very essence of what I am. I have to keep asking myself is this where I really want to stay?? Will this road really make me, us, our family happy?? Though it has been 5 years, the events, the pain, it is still fresh to me and my heart- for it feels like just yesterday. It is only when I notice your siblings growing older and getting bigger that I am reminded that it has been a tad bit longer then just yesterday. There are so many others that have such fresher wounds and hurts then I, then we. And I know it is time to focus more on helping to comfort others in their grief and pain, then on our own. I have to remind myself that by choosing to do this, that it doesn't mean I am choosing to give up on you or our family- I am hoping that it will do the opposite and help our family as we help others at the same time.

 I profoundly miss your ever precious spirit, of love and life. So much energy, so much light you illuminated and circulated about you- touching the lives of so many, and still doing so today. Reflecting, Reflecting, Reflecting is all that I have left with you and of you at this time. I know that we will be given more someday, I just pray that it is sooner more than later.
Love You My Caleb, Love Your Mommy