Dear Caleb,
Spring is at our door step; there's a green haze along the side of the hills, splotches of green like patches are all over on the lawns, sweet spring songs from the birds can be heard at the break of dawn.
Yes, it is an early Spring here this year, for once I am thankful for that. Spring usually means that the ringer of birthdays are about to unfold, with your sisters gaining one more year on you, and your little brother catching up all too soon. But my thoughts are not taken in that direction this year. Something, a mental chemical balance of my emotions, has finally been put in check. I can honestly say that an inner change has occur since the intense downward spiral from January. And Spring is bringing me renewed strength, I can almost breathe again with out feeling the heavy weight of grief crushing my chest.
In January, I had a strong impression that Change was coming. I have been waiting and wanting for change to interrupt our unpleasant reality from our grieving, broken hearts. I needed something, but that something for over 5 years was not coming. The mind set finally occurred to me that, if that "something" was not coming as I had hoped and prayed for, then by golly "I" would be the change. As I focused on change, to allow the change, to help the change, to bring the change.... we have been blessed with a change, that "something!"
Move 13 for our family, move 4 since the you were with us has arrived! In this move we will be chasing our family's dream. Like the movie "We bought a Zoo" has been our dream, to have our acreage and have our own farm... our own zoo. And this place that we are moving to, will allow for this dream to become possible. I am starting to feel alive again, and actually be excited for something, excited for change! After the accident I really gave up on dreams, I had lost so many of mine that left with you. I did not believe even in having goals. To me that meant you would just be setting yourself up for failure if it wasn't meant to be, so I often thought, why would I want to see more of my dreams fall through. Goals, dreams equalled more broken hearts... I did not care for any of that.
My only dream, my only hope was for you to be saved and brought back to us here and now? But when that hope was crushed, my only dream was to work hard to be found worth to have us all be together again, which meant not until the coming of the Savior, Jesus Christ. But how could I possibly hold out til then, I often thought, will I make it? Will our family hold together long enough to see that day, when you will becoming down with the angels from heaven? That was my only dream, my only goal that I had strength to fight for, other dreams and goals just didn't seem to compare or come close to what I desperately wanted,You Caleb.
I have learned so much from each move after the accident. From the first move I learned how to re-introduce our family with having a missing piece which others will never get to know. That was incredibly hard to say that I had 3 kids, when I really had 4. I was unkind and very unfriendly whenever I was asked such difficult questions for myself, when really to others is was simple and easy to answer. These people were so kind and patient with me as I fumbled and panicked for that words to say. I could never use numbers, Caleb you are ours and will be forever, so I learned a way around it to satisfy all sides. I start by saying, "Well my oldest daughter is___, and end with my youngest son is___." That has brought myself so much peace, you still have your spot as the oldest boy in our family and always will.
The lesson from the Second Move was more complex taking a lot for me to get, which was, That It Is OK to let others love me and service me. So much was happening at the time of the accident that my head was swirling so fast, and so many people were trying to help and be there for us. They all are the dearest people on my soul, for them to be there when we needed help, however, I felt ashamed to have taken up so much of their time, money, and energy. I vowed to never be a hinderment on people again, and I did just that, pushed, pushed, pushed people away. On this move, these people were tender, gentle didn't push me away as I was trying to push them. They won my heart over reminding me that it is Ok to let people in, and that I was someone that could be loved. It was the start in finding my smile and laugh again after their disappearance for so many years.
This Third Move has been monumental. Sadly, negativity has been my side kick from the start. You could easily feel the anger and frustrations spew out in almost every word that was spoken. Trying to see the good, or to knowledge that the light was coming, was not something that came naturally and truly those that did made me more angry. It bugged me that others would often give advice when they never walked in that person's shoes, it is almost unfair for them to be giving advice when they have not experience such deep heart ache themselves. I have learned that the circumstance of the deep heartache does not have to be the same. It is IN the deep grieving that is common, the uprooted jagged road that people are place on, in having no choice but to face the reality of it, this is what is the same. I've come across many friends and though their uprooted circumstance was different, they brought me comfort as they found ways to be positive, and it caught me off guard- WAY off guard. I did not know that that was even possible. And I was determined for the first time that I was going to try it out. For every one negative thought that came, I would replace it with a positive one and see what would come from it. Could a negative person who only could see the dark and feel the hurt, really become someone that could see and feel the light and be happy? I wondered as I put this to the tested. From January til now I have come to understand that it is INEED so. I have been on an UP since mid January and that IS a big deal for me.... a VERY big deal.
That brings me to our 4th Move this Spring. In giving up on dreams I never thought we would be given one of our family's treasured desires. Though my up-most dream is for us to be with you again Caleb, but I have been renewed with hope, that there are dreams that can be accomplished here and now as we await to be with you again. I am tickling with excitement for us to chase after this family dream. A place were we can have our fresh new start, a complete change, a slower pace for healing, a slower place in trying to keep up with things, being around the healing powers of nature and animals... the list goes on, and on. I am overwhelmed with delight that finally I have something to smile about, talk about, look forward about. I'm humbled as our family has been given this opportunity to start a new chapter of memories, dreams and goals together, and I am ready to be apart of it! I am ready. I am so thankfully for our change, our new something to excite us and keep us moving closer and together as a family; For once it was dark and bleak, now there is growing hope and peace.
Caleb, I don't know exactly what you are doing that is helping us, but I know whatever you are doing it is working... we are seeing that light and it is getting brighter and brighter, something I thought would never be, and yet here we are. Thank You Caleb, I can not wait to thank you in person and to give you an enormous hug as I swing you around and hold you in my arms... I Miss You.
Love You Always, Your Mommy
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Push to See, Choose to Feel: A post for January
Dear Caleb,
January was not a very good month. There has been much that has taken place within myself, making it very difficult to know how to put it all into words. The events of the holidays backed right up to a new year really threw me for a loop. Why on earth would one want to do a another year if it just brings more misery and heartache? Being apart of a community church where one is taught that there is a plan of happiness, where men are to have joy.... where was my joy, where was my happiness that I have so desperately longed for and desired? Had my religion, my faith failed me? Because I obvious was not feeling anything even close to being truly happy these past many, many years.
The exhaustion of dealing with my emotional bio polar disorder with the severe spikes of ups and downs have been beyond draining to my body and mind. When caught up in a downward spike, everything swirls and spins, I can hardily breathe, I can hardily move, I am caught in a very deep dark place and I am literally trapped. The longer I allow myself to be made a prisoner of such bitter circumstances the deeper the despair and the harder it is to pull out. To pull out takes a lot of mental power, focusing on something that helps me to see the circumstance in another way or a different angle, and making the choice to choose my family over the hidden enemy. Going on 6 years of battling these episodes day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.... takes a huge toll on ones body.
A cousin of mine shared something that really spoke to my heart during this last bitter episode, it said, "If you are tired of being tired, then stop giving up." There have been so many times which I had said this very thing, "I am so tired of being tired", but I had no idea of why. I had no idea that when I gave into the depression and negative thoughts that I was giving up, which was taking me under each and every single time. And trying to literally fight it off each and very single time has been unbelievably exhausting. I have personally come to understand how powerful our thoughts can be, they have REAL affect in pulling us in one direction or another. I never really understood this or knew that this was even really possible until now.
I have been struggling for years in sorting out why we were given this trial of loosing you, Caleb? What was I truly to learn from it, other then to know how to feel great sympathy for others in sorrow and pain. There had to be another reason, a direction of a positive note that would touch my heart and help me to smile and mean it, laugh and mean it, truly understand that I can and want to be happy again... there had to be something!! And that something is what I have been searching for, and it has taken me to be at my wits end of being tired of being tired to finally be ready to listen and to see.
I am not one who can endure to the end from such a trial. I have been taught as a child that we are to endure to the end, but I am not as strong as some of my amazing heroes. I look at the Mormon Pioneers with so much awe; for them to move across in the bitter cold for religious freedom, loosing their children along the way, only to have a spoon to dig a grave upon the frozen ground, just to leave them behind and carry onto Zion.... breaks my heart. They had to endure to their final ends of their lives before they could be reunited with their sweet angel children again. I can not do that. I knew from the very beginning that I could never wait that long til we are with you again Caleb. I thought that perhaps the reason was for me to help people prepare to loose a child, but I have fought that off over and over again. I do not want to do that. I do not want to be the one to prepare others to loose anyone, especially a sweet little child... it hurts too much. I do not want people to hurt as I have and to see them carry that ache for the rest of their mortal lives. No, that could not be what I was to learn from this all! Nothing positive was coming from it, nothing! And it was only making me feel more and more frustrated and depressed.
I have been taught as a child that the purpose of God is (Moses 1:39) to bring about the immortality and eternal life of man. And as I read that again, it HIT! That is God's purpose! That is his part. I do not have to do it, teaching about death and preparing the hearts to loose a child is not what I need to be doing. As what I thought perhaps it was for years, but that is a heavy burden for one to carry and try to teach about, a direction that has not been healing on my heart. Also as a child I have been taught about the coming of Christ. Something that I always wanted to happen when I was a child, but with reading in the Bible and reviewing the signs, I have discovered my smile- MY lesson for me to take away from walking down this path, from once saying that I will never be happy again. I do not need to endure to the end of my mortal life because Christ will be coming long before that. And He will be bringing you, Caleb, to me, so I do not need to wait as long as my Heroes. And I CAN do that! I CAN prepare for Christ to come, the healing that will be taken place at that time will be remarkable and astonishing. I CAN prepare myself and family to be with you again! I CAN be more positive with my thoughts for they will lead me to more pleasant circumstances for our family. I know that I CAN do this. And for me to say that I CAN, is a miracle all in itself.
This journey has been nothing but struggling and praying for the light, pleading for the light, and never seeing the light, but hoping and trusting that the light will come in some way and in some form. But when one finally sees a glimmer of that light, it brings instant calming of peace on your heart and brings contentment in your life letting you know that you CAN keep moving forward and that it is ok, for you to keep moving forward. So did my religion fail me, did my faith fail me? Only when I chose to focus on the negative, which kept me from being able to see the circumstance in a different direction, and to feel the situation with a renewed heart. Push to See, Choose to Feel, has been my Motto, in trying to stay positive even when it may seem bleak with little to no hope.
Words cannot begin to describe my love for you Caleb. I cannot wait til our hearts are finally made whole. I know that that time is coming soon, I rejoice in that and can smile and say that I CAN.
With Much Love To You, Love Always Your Mommy
January was not a very good month. There has been much that has taken place within myself, making it very difficult to know how to put it all into words. The events of the holidays backed right up to a new year really threw me for a loop. Why on earth would one want to do a another year if it just brings more misery and heartache? Being apart of a community church where one is taught that there is a plan of happiness, where men are to have joy.... where was my joy, where was my happiness that I have so desperately longed for and desired? Had my religion, my faith failed me? Because I obvious was not feeling anything even close to being truly happy these past many, many years.
The exhaustion of dealing with my emotional bio polar disorder with the severe spikes of ups and downs have been beyond draining to my body and mind. When caught up in a downward spike, everything swirls and spins, I can hardily breathe, I can hardily move, I am caught in a very deep dark place and I am literally trapped. The longer I allow myself to be made a prisoner of such bitter circumstances the deeper the despair and the harder it is to pull out. To pull out takes a lot of mental power, focusing on something that helps me to see the circumstance in another way or a different angle, and making the choice to choose my family over the hidden enemy. Going on 6 years of battling these episodes day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.... takes a huge toll on ones body.
A cousin of mine shared something that really spoke to my heart during this last bitter episode, it said, "If you are tired of being tired, then stop giving up." There have been so many times which I had said this very thing, "I am so tired of being tired", but I had no idea of why. I had no idea that when I gave into the depression and negative thoughts that I was giving up, which was taking me under each and every single time. And trying to literally fight it off each and very single time has been unbelievably exhausting. I have personally come to understand how powerful our thoughts can be, they have REAL affect in pulling us in one direction or another. I never really understood this or knew that this was even really possible until now.
I have been struggling for years in sorting out why we were given this trial of loosing you, Caleb? What was I truly to learn from it, other then to know how to feel great sympathy for others in sorrow and pain. There had to be another reason, a direction of a positive note that would touch my heart and help me to smile and mean it, laugh and mean it, truly understand that I can and want to be happy again... there had to be something!! And that something is what I have been searching for, and it has taken me to be at my wits end of being tired of being tired to finally be ready to listen and to see.
I am not one who can endure to the end from such a trial. I have been taught as a child that we are to endure to the end, but I am not as strong as some of my amazing heroes. I look at the Mormon Pioneers with so much awe; for them to move across in the bitter cold for religious freedom, loosing their children along the way, only to have a spoon to dig a grave upon the frozen ground, just to leave them behind and carry onto Zion.... breaks my heart. They had to endure to their final ends of their lives before they could be reunited with their sweet angel children again. I can not do that. I knew from the very beginning that I could never wait that long til we are with you again Caleb. I thought that perhaps the reason was for me to help people prepare to loose a child, but I have fought that off over and over again. I do not want to do that. I do not want to be the one to prepare others to loose anyone, especially a sweet little child... it hurts too much. I do not want people to hurt as I have and to see them carry that ache for the rest of their mortal lives. No, that could not be what I was to learn from this all! Nothing positive was coming from it, nothing! And it was only making me feel more and more frustrated and depressed.
I have been taught as a child that the purpose of God is (Moses 1:39) to bring about the immortality and eternal life of man. And as I read that again, it HIT! That is God's purpose! That is his part. I do not have to do it, teaching about death and preparing the hearts to loose a child is not what I need to be doing. As what I thought perhaps it was for years, but that is a heavy burden for one to carry and try to teach about, a direction that has not been healing on my heart. Also as a child I have been taught about the coming of Christ. Something that I always wanted to happen when I was a child, but with reading in the Bible and reviewing the signs, I have discovered my smile- MY lesson for me to take away from walking down this path, from once saying that I will never be happy again. I do not need to endure to the end of my mortal life because Christ will be coming long before that. And He will be bringing you, Caleb, to me, so I do not need to wait as long as my Heroes. And I CAN do that! I CAN prepare for Christ to come, the healing that will be taken place at that time will be remarkable and astonishing. I CAN prepare myself and family to be with you again! I CAN be more positive with my thoughts for they will lead me to more pleasant circumstances for our family. I know that I CAN do this. And for me to say that I CAN, is a miracle all in itself.
This journey has been nothing but struggling and praying for the light, pleading for the light, and never seeing the light, but hoping and trusting that the light will come in some way and in some form. But when one finally sees a glimmer of that light, it brings instant calming of peace on your heart and brings contentment in your life letting you know that you CAN keep moving forward and that it is ok, for you to keep moving forward. So did my religion fail me, did my faith fail me? Only when I chose to focus on the negative, which kept me from being able to see the circumstance in a different direction, and to feel the situation with a renewed heart. Push to See, Choose to Feel, has been my Motto, in trying to stay positive even when it may seem bleak with little to no hope.
Words cannot begin to describe my love for you Caleb. I cannot wait til our hearts are finally made whole. I know that that time is coming soon, I rejoice in that and can smile and say that I CAN.
With Much Love To You, Love Always Your Mommy
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
New Year? No Thanks!
Dear Caleb,
Well it's that time again to start things ALL over again for the 6th time without you. While others get to anticipate bubbly and fun ideas for the new year like: getting fit, loosing weight, trying a new talent, picking up an old talent, learning a new language... I get the same things year after year. It never changes, the dates, the holidays... it's all the SAME, and I am growing very tired of it all and it is making me more and more restless! I have already done this all 5 times, I already know what is coming, what to expect, and the results are always the same... Painful on my body and soul, and it is getting old and I am ready for change- Something to be different... ANYTHING!
I do not like where we live, I do not like our house, I do not like our yard, I do not like that there are no jobs, I do not like that we are having to do another year without you, I do not like that I am so much like the green eggs and ham book. There is just so much in life that I just do not like and very very little that I do. So since my circumstances and surrounds are not changing or going away anytime soon this will be my New Years resolution:
Instead of saying I do not like where we live, I will tell myself, I like living where I am because it is peaceful.
Instead of saying I do not like our house, I will tell myself, I like our house because it is safe and warm.
Instead of saying that I do not like our yard, I will tell myself, I like our yard because at least it's another place for us to enjoy being together.
Instead of telling myself that I do not like that there are no jobs, I will tell myself, at least we have a job where we can take care of ourselves and pay our bills.
Instead of telling myself that I do not like that we have to do a whole new year again without you, I will tell myself, at least we are one year closer to you.
There you have it Caleb my New Years resolutions. I suppose if change isn't going to be coming like I have been waiting, hoping, dreaming for, then I will be the change- for each negative thought I will stop and change it to something realistic and more upbeat.
Love you, Love Always Your Momma
Well it's that time again to start things ALL over again for the 6th time without you. While others get to anticipate bubbly and fun ideas for the new year like: getting fit, loosing weight, trying a new talent, picking up an old talent, learning a new language... I get the same things year after year. It never changes, the dates, the holidays... it's all the SAME, and I am growing very tired of it all and it is making me more and more restless! I have already done this all 5 times, I already know what is coming, what to expect, and the results are always the same... Painful on my body and soul, and it is getting old and I am ready for change- Something to be different... ANYTHING!
I do not like where we live, I do not like our house, I do not like our yard, I do not like that there are no jobs, I do not like that we are having to do another year without you, I do not like that I am so much like the green eggs and ham book. There is just so much in life that I just do not like and very very little that I do. So since my circumstances and surrounds are not changing or going away anytime soon this will be my New Years resolution:
Instead of saying I do not like where we live, I will tell myself, I like living where I am because it is peaceful.
Instead of saying I do not like our house, I will tell myself, I like our house because it is safe and warm.
Instead of saying that I do not like our yard, I will tell myself, I like our yard because at least it's another place for us to enjoy being together.
Instead of telling myself that I do not like that there are no jobs, I will tell myself, at least we have a job where we can take care of ourselves and pay our bills.
Instead of telling myself that I do not like that we have to do a whole new year again without you, I will tell myself, at least we are one year closer to you.
There you have it Caleb my New Years resolutions. I suppose if change isn't going to be coming like I have been waiting, hoping, dreaming for, then I will be the change- for each negative thought I will stop and change it to something realistic and more upbeat.
Love you, Love Always Your Momma
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Breath Of Heaven Hold Me Together
Dear Caleb,
I barely made it through the Fall, everything Fall just brings on my falling emotions. I am glad that it is over, for now. Winter brings a bit different feelings then Fall. There are far more distractions during this season of Christmas and it helps with holding off my anxieties for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but it is coming and so are my emotions. I am not ready to do another Christmas without you. But regardless if I am ready or not, it comes just the same. After we open presents we gather around your tree and help you open your presents, and it is always such a tender moment on my heart. Thinking what would you really like? How would you really react. Would you jump in excitement? Or would you run to give hugs and say thank you? Every year I have to buy you something, it just makes me feel more complete, well as possible as one could get at this time.
My mind keeps replaying the song from Amy Grant, 'Breath Of Heaven' over and over again. It always fills my heart and eyes with tears as I tell myself, that if anyone knows what it truly feels like to loose a child, it would be Mary. As she raised Jesus from a babe and watched him grow, truly he had to grab a big piece of her heart. Then as he grew older to watch him come across many challenges, to say that she just had a broken heart would be a huge understatement. I wonder the depression that tried to sneak into her heart. I wonder the thoughts that went through her mind every time she had to gasped for air and would cry out 'God this is your Son, please help him.' For Jesus to be her first born she had to have a very strong emotional attachment that would link her heart to his. But knowing that Jesus was still by her side must have given her hope in spite of the challenges that surfaced in her son's life.
Then when Jesus's life was in peril on the cross, She was still faithfully by his side as he was suffering to his last mortal breath. Watching him lay still without any complaints, her heart had to plummet lower then the dust. Knowing that her deep loving connection could not bring him back or save him from the peril of pain and anguish that he was evidently in. Just as all mothers would, she probably wanted desperately to switch spots with him to let him live a full life. And probably said many tenders prayers, 'God this is your Son, please help him.' For no mother wants to see their child suffer pains of any kind.
Yes, Mary would know my grief and deep heartache at this time. We do not hear much about Mary after the passing of Jesus Christ. Other then many fell into a very deep depression. We are only mortal beings, seeing and feeling in mortal ways, because we are human and that is to be expected. Those 3 days must have felt like an eternity as they suffered with deep heartache and grief, being the evidence of their deep love they shared for Jesus Christ. I feel that though this time must have been extremely difficult beyond what any words can describe, it had to be an essential part for them to go through, because they had to wait and wait and wait in order to be ready for what was yet to come.
And what was to come? The beautiful spring morning when Jesus Came Back Home being raised from the grave- To give all of our hearts hope, something to look forward to as we try our darndest to pass through the tsunami waves of life shattering dreams and broken hearts, when the pain just hurts more then what we think our little mortal bodies can handle. And until that day when our loved ones come back to us, we are given A Gift, That the Breath of Heaven can Hold us Together.
I wished that my grieving and waiting period was only 3 days as well, but I am not as lucky.
My prayer is that I can hold myself together until we are with you again.
Always Thinking Of You Caleb, Merry Christmas.
Love Your Mommy
I barely made it through the Fall, everything Fall just brings on my falling emotions. I am glad that it is over, for now. Winter brings a bit different feelings then Fall. There are far more distractions during this season of Christmas and it helps with holding off my anxieties for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but it is coming and so are my emotions. I am not ready to do another Christmas without you. But regardless if I am ready or not, it comes just the same. After we open presents we gather around your tree and help you open your presents, and it is always such a tender moment on my heart. Thinking what would you really like? How would you really react. Would you jump in excitement? Or would you run to give hugs and say thank you? Every year I have to buy you something, it just makes me feel more complete, well as possible as one could get at this time.
My mind keeps replaying the song from Amy Grant, 'Breath Of Heaven' over and over again. It always fills my heart and eyes with tears as I tell myself, that if anyone knows what it truly feels like to loose a child, it would be Mary. As she raised Jesus from a babe and watched him grow, truly he had to grab a big piece of her heart. Then as he grew older to watch him come across many challenges, to say that she just had a broken heart would be a huge understatement. I wonder the depression that tried to sneak into her heart. I wonder the thoughts that went through her mind every time she had to gasped for air and would cry out 'God this is your Son, please help him.' For Jesus to be her first born she had to have a very strong emotional attachment that would link her heart to his. But knowing that Jesus was still by her side must have given her hope in spite of the challenges that surfaced in her son's life.
Then when Jesus's life was in peril on the cross, She was still faithfully by his side as he was suffering to his last mortal breath. Watching him lay still without any complaints, her heart had to plummet lower then the dust. Knowing that her deep loving connection could not bring him back or save him from the peril of pain and anguish that he was evidently in. Just as all mothers would, she probably wanted desperately to switch spots with him to let him live a full life. And probably said many tenders prayers, 'God this is your Son, please help him.' For no mother wants to see their child suffer pains of any kind.
Yes, Mary would know my grief and deep heartache at this time. We do not hear much about Mary after the passing of Jesus Christ. Other then many fell into a very deep depression. We are only mortal beings, seeing and feeling in mortal ways, because we are human and that is to be expected. Those 3 days must have felt like an eternity as they suffered with deep heartache and grief, being the evidence of their deep love they shared for Jesus Christ. I feel that though this time must have been extremely difficult beyond what any words can describe, it had to be an essential part for them to go through, because they had to wait and wait and wait in order to be ready for what was yet to come.
And what was to come? The beautiful spring morning when Jesus Came Back Home being raised from the grave- To give all of our hearts hope, something to look forward to as we try our darndest to pass through the tsunami waves of life shattering dreams and broken hearts, when the pain just hurts more then what we think our little mortal bodies can handle. And until that day when our loved ones come back to us, we are given A Gift, That the Breath of Heaven can Hold us Together.
I wished that my grieving and waiting period was only 3 days as well, but I am not as lucky.
My prayer is that I can hold myself together until we are with you again.
Always Thinking Of You Caleb, Merry Christmas.
Love Your Mommy
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