Dear Caleb,
"It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on"
This seems to be the song of the month for me.
'It's coming on Christmas but I do not feel it so,
There are twinkles of lights that light up the snow.
But my heart is hurting and there is that nasty void,
Other families like us our happiness has been destroyed.
How I wish that we all had a river to skate away on,
To be with our loved ones instead of feeling withdrawn.
There are presents that won't be opened songs that will not be sung,
Memories that will not be made music that will not be strung.
Yet those of us left behind we will use this time differently,
In prayer, in hope wishing and praising God intently.
How I wish it wasn't so,
But we know that with time things will show.
And we will be together again sooner then we think,
For our Savior has come and he will be back in a wink.'
Caleb, I will try to be happy for our little family. Please watch over all the sweet children that are there with you now. There are so many families that are hurting and missing them so. And as for your sweet little sister about to join our family any day, tell her I am trying to be patient so you guys can have more time to play.
Love You, Merry Christmas, Love Your Mommy
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
It is time....
Dear Caleb,
Today is the start of the due date range for your new little sister- that is soon to join our family.
I sense that you are giving her all the important advice that she will need, knowing that she will be coming to join our broken hearted family. I feel that she will not come until I am ready. I never thought I would see the day, when I could say, that I would be okay with having more children after the accident- that is such a hard thing on my heart. You know what Caleb, these past 3 years I have being fighting accepting the future, and clinging, longing for the past. In doing this, I just realized that I am not allowing room for new memories to be stored, because there is literally no room in the inn. Only wall to wall memories of our past with our perfect 2 boys and 2 girls little family: all our outings, laughter, being together... I have not been okay with making more room. I figured your siblings and father would understand, and forgive me for not being the mom that they used to know. To continue to just BE instead of trying to become a new person, because being the old me is unfortunately not an option, so I was content with just to BE.
During these Holiday Seasons as families get to gather together, I felt some emptiness because our family is not complete like others, and in my mind I would think, "That's not fair." Then I came across a very profound quote from an apostle, Elder Russell M Nelson, "Somethings just don't seem fair. Whether things seem 'fair' relate to the limits of one's perspective." Paul in the bible taught, "If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable." My perceptive in this mortal life is indeed limited. And if I enjoy the knowledge of Christ and apply it only in this mortal life, surely it would not be enough to help me to find eternal happiness here and now. We all must pass through the portals of mortality to receive eternal happiness and life: Mortal Birth, Mortal Existence, Mortal Death- which comes from applying the knowledge of Christ into the next life, which is the best life to come!
Russell M Nelson said, "The holy cause in which we are engaged did not begin in 1820 in the state of New York. It did not begin in Bethlehem. It did not begin in the Garden of Eden. The underpinnings of the everlasting gospel were in place even before the world was."An I can attest to this by looking back on our past. There have been several, even multiple events that happened, which paved the way to help us today... watching friends loose beloved children, watching them rise from heart ache, our miscarriage in 2007, becoming acquainted with grief, learning the warning signs of depression and what to do, dream of loosing my father- all lead up to much needed preparation, that we would need to draw from after the accident. I recently came across this statement from Virgina H Pearce, "When I see how carefully Heavenly Father has prepared and planned for my present circumstance, how can I be frighten about my future? Surely He is putting into place today all that I will need to face the unknown times ahead."
As much as I just want to BE, I know that God sees a stronger me, and sees something more that I can become, and doesn't want me to just stay where I am. It amazes me at how well He knows me, because that is exactly what I would do and was planning on doing. A former apostle of the 12, Neal A Maxwell said, "Even believers if malnourished as to the doctrine, can become wearied and faint in their minds and surrender to circumstance." I desperately wanted to surrender, it is such hard work to keep living this mortal life with a broken heart, it hurts and never stops. I was reminded today at church that Faith pushed into action is Hope. Hope is the verb of Faith, it places a burning desire within oneself to move forward to Christ, to keep moving and not give up.
So our Father in Heaven is sending me a reason to move forward with our family, since I can not seem to find it on my own, to help me not give in and just BE. This baby girl wants an eternal family, she too wants her shot at mortality to prove herself worthy to have eternal life. And as her soon to be Earthly mother I need to help her accomplish her goal in this. I can not deny to extend my hand to her. I need to love her, teach her, help her and guide her to Christ and Home to our Father. The weight is indeed on my shoulders. And Caleb, "I AM READY!" And I gladly continue and accept this mission that our Father feels that we are capable of handling. Not that I will not have tears anymore, because I will. Not that I won't have my bad days, because I will. Not that I won't still miss and long for the past, because I will. But I need to make room for new memories for this new child to join our family. I need to be a mom that she can depend on and be there for her. I need to be able to release some memories from my inn, so there will be room for more. Because Caleb, with a sad heart but a heart full of Hope I need to say, "It is time...."
Thank You Caleb for being there with her, preparing her, loving her, teaching her the gospel- you are serving your extend mission well. And when it's time for her to join our family in mortality, we will add to what you have already started and shared with her. We are honored that God has found us worthy to serve with you on your mission.
We love you Buddy Boy! Merry Christmas to You and ALL those Heavenly Angels that surround you at this time.... For surely there is peace on earth ONLY because of ALL our Angels above.
Love Your Mommy
Today is the start of the due date range for your new little sister- that is soon to join our family.
I sense that you are giving her all the important advice that she will need, knowing that she will be coming to join our broken hearted family. I feel that she will not come until I am ready. I never thought I would see the day, when I could say, that I would be okay with having more children after the accident- that is such a hard thing on my heart. You know what Caleb, these past 3 years I have being fighting accepting the future, and clinging, longing for the past. In doing this, I just realized that I am not allowing room for new memories to be stored, because there is literally no room in the inn. Only wall to wall memories of our past with our perfect 2 boys and 2 girls little family: all our outings, laughter, being together... I have not been okay with making more room. I figured your siblings and father would understand, and forgive me for not being the mom that they used to know. To continue to just BE instead of trying to become a new person, because being the old me is unfortunately not an option, so I was content with just to BE.
During these Holiday Seasons as families get to gather together, I felt some emptiness because our family is not complete like others, and in my mind I would think, "That's not fair." Then I came across a very profound quote from an apostle, Elder Russell M Nelson, "Somethings just don't seem fair. Whether things seem 'fair' relate to the limits of one's perspective." Paul in the bible taught, "If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable." My perceptive in this mortal life is indeed limited. And if I enjoy the knowledge of Christ and apply it only in this mortal life, surely it would not be enough to help me to find eternal happiness here and now. We all must pass through the portals of mortality to receive eternal happiness and life: Mortal Birth, Mortal Existence, Mortal Death- which comes from applying the knowledge of Christ into the next life, which is the best life to come!
Russell M Nelson said, "The holy cause in which we are engaged did not begin in 1820 in the state of New York. It did not begin in Bethlehem. It did not begin in the Garden of Eden. The underpinnings of the everlasting gospel were in place even before the world was."An I can attest to this by looking back on our past. There have been several, even multiple events that happened, which paved the way to help us today... watching friends loose beloved children, watching them rise from heart ache, our miscarriage in 2007, becoming acquainted with grief, learning the warning signs of depression and what to do, dream of loosing my father- all lead up to much needed preparation, that we would need to draw from after the accident. I recently came across this statement from Virgina H Pearce, "When I see how carefully Heavenly Father has prepared and planned for my present circumstance, how can I be frighten about my future? Surely He is putting into place today all that I will need to face the unknown times ahead."
As much as I just want to BE, I know that God sees a stronger me, and sees something more that I can become, and doesn't want me to just stay where I am. It amazes me at how well He knows me, because that is exactly what I would do and was planning on doing. A former apostle of the 12, Neal A Maxwell said, "Even believers if malnourished as to the doctrine, can become wearied and faint in their minds and surrender to circumstance." I desperately wanted to surrender, it is such hard work to keep living this mortal life with a broken heart, it hurts and never stops. I was reminded today at church that Faith pushed into action is Hope. Hope is the verb of Faith, it places a burning desire within oneself to move forward to Christ, to keep moving and not give up.
So our Father in Heaven is sending me a reason to move forward with our family, since I can not seem to find it on my own, to help me not give in and just BE. This baby girl wants an eternal family, she too wants her shot at mortality to prove herself worthy to have eternal life. And as her soon to be Earthly mother I need to help her accomplish her goal in this. I can not deny to extend my hand to her. I need to love her, teach her, help her and guide her to Christ and Home to our Father. The weight is indeed on my shoulders. And Caleb, "I AM READY!" And I gladly continue and accept this mission that our Father feels that we are capable of handling. Not that I will not have tears anymore, because I will. Not that I won't have my bad days, because I will. Not that I won't still miss and long for the past, because I will. But I need to make room for new memories for this new child to join our family. I need to be a mom that she can depend on and be there for her. I need to be able to release some memories from my inn, so there will be room for more. Because Caleb, with a sad heart but a heart full of Hope I need to say, "It is time...."
Thank You Caleb for being there with her, preparing her, loving her, teaching her the gospel- you are serving your extend mission well. And when it's time for her to join our family in mortality, we will add to what you have already started and shared with her. We are honored that God has found us worthy to serve with you on your mission.
We love you Buddy Boy! Merry Christmas to You and ALL those Heavenly Angels that surround you at this time.... For surely there is peace on earth ONLY because of ALL our Angels above.
Love Your Mommy
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
It's Coming.... and I can't stop it!
Dear Caleb,
Thanksgiving is coming.
This baby is coming.
Christmas is coming.
Starting a New Year is coming............
And I can't do anything about it!
I feel myself falling, and pulling away again into my own world. But I have been down this path SOOO many times. Becoming selfish and thinking only about myself, and avoiding everyone does not get me anywhere, but more unhappy and our family environment more unpleasant. I can not keep doing that to our family, but it is naturally what I WANT to do. I want to hide, I want to hibernate, I want to sleep forever until that blessed day of our Savior comes.
The most irritating thing is that we just celebrated these Holidays and here we are again doing it all over! It's like that book 'The Cat Comes Back' these emotionally exhausting holidays KEEP coming back like that darn cat! Too bad I can't just kick it out my door like a cat and seal it shut to take care of the problem. Because your siblings are still here experiencing mortality and these holidays come with that territory unfortunately. And your new sister I suppose she will re-teach me joy and happiness all over again, because I do not feel it during this time of year. I run on a very short, short supply of contentment.
Why is it Caleb that whatever we do NOT want we seem to get? The biggest antidote that I have discovered for myself is that when I do not want others to talk to me, be around me, or help me.... it is in that every moment when I need to push my self to reach out to others. Because that brings a little bit of life in myself. Kind of when we do not feel like praying or even feel worthy of praying to God above, it is in that very moment when we need to pray the most.
So, your little sister is breech, specifically frank breech with her head up and bottom down. I have started breech work outs to try to get her to turn. And one day while I was lying upside down at a diagonal on an ironing board rubbing my belly in a circular motion, while listening to calming music, I thought this is so stupid! How is another child suppose to help me, and Why the heck is she breech?? It was in that very moment that I heard, "Because you need it." I thought WHAT? I need a breech baby, and I need to do these stupid exercises? And it dawned on me that, because I have not had enough time to adjust to this pregnancy, the Lord has blessed us with a breech baby give us time to bond before she comes into mortality. I unfortunately have avoided this pregnancy like a plague, not wanting to accept yet another life changing turn in and for our family. But she is moving now, and I can not ignore the life that is in me, and it may not be what I expected, but the Lord only gives what we need. Whether we want it or not, so as frustrating as that can be to get what we do not want, to continue to taste bitter after bitter..... our day of tasting the sweetest of sweets is coming, as long as we can keep swallowing the bitter and push forward through the grace that comes only through Jesus Christ.
So our family may have been in the line too long for the most challenges while we were in Heaven. But if anything we are not quitters, we are finishers. It will be difficult to face these events coming up, so we will tackle one at a time.... and NO MORE then that, because that is ALL we have strength to do.
Love you Caleb,
Love Your Mommy
Thanksgiving is coming.
This baby is coming.
Christmas is coming.
Starting a New Year is coming............
And I can't do anything about it!
I feel myself falling, and pulling away again into my own world. But I have been down this path SOOO many times. Becoming selfish and thinking only about myself, and avoiding everyone does not get me anywhere, but more unhappy and our family environment more unpleasant. I can not keep doing that to our family, but it is naturally what I WANT to do. I want to hide, I want to hibernate, I want to sleep forever until that blessed day of our Savior comes.
The most irritating thing is that we just celebrated these Holidays and here we are again doing it all over! It's like that book 'The Cat Comes Back' these emotionally exhausting holidays KEEP coming back like that darn cat! Too bad I can't just kick it out my door like a cat and seal it shut to take care of the problem. Because your siblings are still here experiencing mortality and these holidays come with that territory unfortunately. And your new sister I suppose she will re-teach me joy and happiness all over again, because I do not feel it during this time of year. I run on a very short, short supply of contentment.
Why is it Caleb that whatever we do NOT want we seem to get? The biggest antidote that I have discovered for myself is that when I do not want others to talk to me, be around me, or help me.... it is in that every moment when I need to push my self to reach out to others. Because that brings a little bit of life in myself. Kind of when we do not feel like praying or even feel worthy of praying to God above, it is in that very moment when we need to pray the most.
So, your little sister is breech, specifically frank breech with her head up and bottom down. I have started breech work outs to try to get her to turn. And one day while I was lying upside down at a diagonal on an ironing board rubbing my belly in a circular motion, while listening to calming music, I thought this is so stupid! How is another child suppose to help me, and Why the heck is she breech?? It was in that very moment that I heard, "Because you need it." I thought WHAT? I need a breech baby, and I need to do these stupid exercises? And it dawned on me that, because I have not had enough time to adjust to this pregnancy, the Lord has blessed us with a breech baby give us time to bond before she comes into mortality. I unfortunately have avoided this pregnancy like a plague, not wanting to accept yet another life changing turn in and for our family. But she is moving now, and I can not ignore the life that is in me, and it may not be what I expected, but the Lord only gives what we need. Whether we want it or not, so as frustrating as that can be to get what we do not want, to continue to taste bitter after bitter..... our day of tasting the sweetest of sweets is coming, as long as we can keep swallowing the bitter and push forward through the grace that comes only through Jesus Christ.
So our family may have been in the line too long for the most challenges while we were in Heaven. But if anything we are not quitters, we are finishers. It will be difficult to face these events coming up, so we will tackle one at a time.... and NO MORE then that, because that is ALL we have strength to do.
Love you Caleb,
Love Your Mommy
Saturday, November 3, 2012
My Boys in Costumes
Your costume was the one that I bought for you back in 2009, it would have been the one you wanted the year of the accident. You are even holding your red power ranger trick or treat candy bucket. And what you would have been this year?? Well, it pains my heart to not know.....
Thank You Caleb for sharing your blue power ranger costume with Montey this year. He wouldn't take
it off for a whole 2 days.
Sweet Little Montey said something that touched my heart and made we want to smile and cry at the same time.
He said," Mom when Kabub coming? After Halloween, after Christmas??"
How I wish I could say, "YES!!!" But I had to answer truthfully and say, "We don't know when, but we do know that he will be coming soon with Christ." I wanted to cry because it hurts my heart to not know when we will see you sweet face again. But it made me smile because your little brother is so mindful of you and desires the same thing the rest of us do... which is to be with you.
Hope you were pleased with us trying to make this Holiday work. Now on to the next medium and BIG Holidays left for this year, I have to admit I am not looking forward to it. I really hate this empty seat business....
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